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Today’s the big day that I go visit the doctor. Some of you are going to kill me when I admit the last time I have seen my ya-ya doctor: I think it was sometime around Shea’s first birthday.

Yes, it has been about 6 years. I could have a Buick growing inside of me and I wouldn’t know because I didn’t go to the doctor to find out. I have six years of questions I want to ask him, but on the other hand I am freaked out that he’s going pull out a rubber chicken and beat me with it because I have been a bad person for not coming to see him earlier.

You know after you have a AIDS test taken and you have to wait out those three days before you get the results? You start questioning EVERY SINGLE sexually related thing you did.
“Let me see, last week while watch ‘A River Runs Through It’ I might have….no, you can’t catch something if you’re by yourself…hmmmm.”

I feeling like that. I am questioning EVERY SINGLE thing that my body has been through. IN SIX YEARS.
I am destroying my poor body. I gained weight, lost weight, gained weight. I smoke. I drink WAY too much coffee, I have unexplained pains and I do nothing about them. My back is out. I take advil everyday to help the pain. I don’t take vitamins. EVER. I eat HORRIBLY. I don’t exercise. I have anxiety attacks everyday. I don’t drink enough water. I sometimes forget to brush my hair….Oh the list goes on and on.

How in the hell have I got this far? I guess I have good genes, because the list above, excluding the water, sounds just like my mother. I’m sure my mother would say my grandmother was the same.

I feel like getting a running start down the hallway and just sliding up to the bed with my hands in prayer.
“DEAR GOD, IF YOU LET ME GET THROUGH THIS DOCTOR’S APPOINTMENT WITH A CLEAN BILL OF HEALTH, I SWEAR I WILL TAKE BETTER CARE OF MYSELF IN THE FUTURE. I WILL STOP SMOKING, DRINKING COFFEE AND I WILL TAKE VITAMINS EVERY SINGLE DAY!”

I’m admitting it. I’m scared. I’m scared of why I haven’t had a period since July 10th. I know the list of things it COULD be. Stress is the number one on the list, but if I can make it through 7 years of marriage, his exgirlfriend, three kids and an affair WITHOUT missing a period, then a little bit of stress isn’t going to stop Aunt Flo from visiting.
menopause? I’m only 33. I would understand if I missed one as a welcome basket to the Estrogen club, but I’m going on THREE months now.

I’m afraid to google symptoms of ovarian cancer. The last time I googled something to make sure I spelled it right, I found out I had it.

11:15 is my appointment. I hope I don’t come home with rubber chicken bruises.

I deserve them though.