• Random and Odd

    I’m holed up in my room.

    For Christmas break the girls decided it was time to repaint their room.

    When I moved back into the house many years ago, I painted the room a very pretty green and cream yellow.  It was such soothing colors.  After Dan moved out and I went back into the master bedroom, Kara got my little room back.  She HATED the colors, despite the attempts on getting her bedding and decor to match.

    The day after Christmas we went to Ikea to pick out new bedding for the girls.  The colors are a very clean white and light blue.  In order to paint the room they had to move EVERYTHING into the living room and kitchen.

    I checked in on the girls.  Gone is my beautiful, soothing colors…replaced with clean blue and white.  The music is blaring and the floor is covered in white paint spots.

    The only safe place in the whole house is my room.  When Shaun gets home, he can pull all the loose ends together and help with the decorating.
    Me…I am going to stay RIGHT here playing my PC game (chuzzle) and watch CNN.

    Stat-counter check: 1. Letters to sister  2. mother sucking 13 year old boy.

  • Random and Odd

    Stat-Counter truly creeps me out.

    I’m not a big fan of Stat tracking for my website.  When I started years ago, I thought it would be cool to see when my ONE reader had checked my website.
    “Oh look, Mom read my website at 2:21 pm!”

    As I got more readers, it was sort neat to see WHERE people were coming from.
    “Oh look, mom is still in Redding!”

    Then more readers came and I stopped looking at the stat-tracker cause it freaked me out.
    “Why would anyone other than my mom want to read this babble?”

    I actually took it off until one day when I was particularly freaked out from a comment I got. I wanted to know where it came from.  I put it back on, but I didn’t check it very often.

    I got bored today and checked it.  REMIND ME AGAIN WHY?  Because I am an idiot.

    Random and Odd with over a thousand hits today was most popular with:

    1. Boob hair
    2. tit sucking vacuum cleaners
    3. lameness of school dances
    4. Tom Petty lyrics
    5. The whole town of Reston, Virgina

      Really? What the hell?

      I did find this thing I did back in July.  Did I link this yet?

  • Random and Odd

    The Christmas we didn’t think we were going to make it.

    As I write this post, I am sitting on my couch in front of the tree that had to be redecorated after the trauma it had sustained the night of decoration. I should have known that night it was the precursor for the what I believed would be the most horrible of all Christmases.

    This Christmas has turned out to be a Christmas of learning the definitions of words I have thrown around so loosely. Words I have heard for the last 35 years in Christmas songs.

    As the season began to roll into the stores with HAPPY HOLIDAYS, MERRY CHRISTMAS, BUY ME! I started to stress out. Then I checked our bank account and said, “WHOA!” and then I pulled a Christmas Tree and fell to the floor having everything knocked out of me. “WHY DO THEY KEEP LETTING STUFF GO THROUGH?? CAN’T THEY SEE THE MONEY IS NOT IN THE BANK!” But they continued to allow stuff to go through…because every time they do, they get 34.00 bucks. I have been RAPED by the bank in overdraft charges for stupid things like buying GAS. Silly me, thinking I should need such a luxury! Sorry, I digress.

    The week before Christmas is when my throat began to close up because of fear. As I write this, I am finally allowing myself to feel the full impact of magnitude of what someone has done for me. I am crying.
    My friend ‘Cita and her husband gave me something that I haven’t felt for awhile. They gave me HOPE. They pre-payed several hours of photography so I would be allowed to buy my children Christmas gifts.
    When I heard the words leave ‘Cita’s husband’s lips, I started crying. I wasn’t going to have to put off Christmas for 5 children.

    I heard a Christmas song after that said, ‘Friends and Family send salutations’ and I began to think about the holiday for what it was.
    Two weeks before Christmas the cards start coming in and the music has already been on full rotation in every store you walk into.
    Everyday I went through the mail and there they were, Christmas Cards. People taking a moment out of their busy lives to send ME and MY FAMILY a card to say, ‘Hi. I’m thinking about you.” Family, Friends…and my readers. I got more cards from you all…I feel guilty.

    With the fire somewhat roaring, the stocking stuffed, the presents under the tree and a fridge full of Boston Market Turkey and Mashed Potatoes, and a body that is relaxed without fear…I write this.

    This season is a blessing. It’s about friends. It’s about family. It’s about the stupid things like tree’s that fall, the lights, red, green and candy canes. It’s a time to remember that there is hope, and there is a reason for the season. It may not be about religion or big men in red suits. There is a reason for it and I finally get ‘it’ and I will not forget it.

    Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and all that wonderful stuff. Thank you all for being my friends and coming to say “HI”.

  • Random and Odd

    …and that too shall pass.

    Kara has had a new friend she’s spending time with.  She’s a sweet girl who seems to fit right into our little family quite nicely.  She is just as dorky and fun as Kara.

    The other day, I grabbed the girls and went driving for something or another.  This is when Kara tells me who Kyla is.

    Remember last year when Kara came home CRYING because girls were mean to her?  Yeah…THIS is the little shit that caused it!

    The urge to pull the truck over and beat the hell out of the poor girl was suppressed because her and Kara were giggling about how bad of a day that was and how Kyla was SOOO sorry for being mean…and how some girl had made her cry too.

    If you would have told me that Kara would be friends with that girl that caused her to crawl into my arms and cry until my shoulder was dripping with her tears, I wouldn’t have believed you.

    I told Kara that day, “If they just had a chance to get to know you, they would love you.” and I don’t think she believed me when I said it, but now she does.  I think she sees that she’s worthy of decent friendships where she’s not picked on for being a dork, loud, dramatic and random.   She is mini-me..and I am loved.  She will be too.

    Happy Holidays…and Thank God for answered prayers.

    Tomorrow…you will get a ‘Very Special Christmas Post by Random and Odd’… yeah, you all just on the edge of your seats huh?

  • Random and Odd


    There are only TWO things I have ever prayed for that wasn’t something that was NEEDED.  You know, like…let my mother live until I get there, watch over so-and-so as they go through surgery…stuff that’s ‘needed’.

    These two things…these two tiny self indulgent requests  I have prayed for have been over looked by UPPERCASE GOD for decades.  I didn’t want to believe he wasn’t listening, because HELLO…how many nights can I lay there praying for them and he not hear me?


    Oh, I guess you need to know what those two prayers were, right?

    1. They cast Philip Seymour Hoffman as Ignatius J. Riley in the movie based on the book “A Confederacy of Dunces”

    This request has fallen on deaf ears.  I am just happy that Will Ferrell will NOT be doing it.  Baby steps, Hollywood. Baby steps.

    2. They make a sequel to My Favorite Movie That Has Ever Been Made.

    Thank you. I was looking for a reason to live…and it has been handed to me on a silver platter.

    “See, Kristine…life does get better.  Sure, you’re broke, depressed, out of medication, your tooth is chipped and causing shooting pain through your jaw and the car is being held together with dried soda syrup and French fry dust…BUT THERE WILL BE MORE CHRIS KNIGHT!”

    We can all rest well now.

  • Random and Odd

    24 Hours of Sleep..Give or Take 12 hours

    I needed some healthy sleep to be able to decide what needs to be done.
    I took a pill around 6pm last night, it never seems to work…just makes me dizzy or loopy, but it worked last night.

    At 6 am I woke up.

    I physically feel better, but the mental part is slow coming.  The last time I went to the doctor and told him what was going on, he said; “Up the dosage.”  I told him I didn’t want to, that I had been trying to go to a lower dosage.
    Okay, maybe he was right.  So I am.

    Thank you everyone for your support. I am taking steps. There is help out there for depression (which I am SO new to) and I am taking it.
    The depression is centered around not being able to handle the things around me. I feel like I am either going to laugh or cry.
    I keep thinking, “If I can just get through THIS, I will be okay.” and then with THIS is handled, THAT jumps out of the corner.The grim reality is; “This and That” are tag teaming.  At some point I need to tap out.

    Christmas is like, what? less then a week away?  Every time I think about it…I have an anxiety attack and want to hurl.

    The commercials on TV…come on, BUY A NEW CAR.   How about being able to pay the car payment that I already have?

    *tugging on hair*  As my mom always says, “This too shall pass…”

  • Anxiety,  journey

    Why did you use the ‘sad face’ picture?

    Shaun watched over my shoulder as I changed my layout again.
    “Why that picture?” he asked.
    “It’s how I feel.”
    “It’s depressing.”

    All I can say, is that is how I am feeling right now.
    Saying that I am ‘depressed’ isn’t easy for me.  It’s taken me a long time to admit that I had anxiety.  I think it’s going to be harder to admit that I have ‘depression’.

    Tyler and I have been battling through this cough and cold.  Yesterday when he got home from school we were both coughing. It was funny at first because I would cough, and then he would cough.  For awhile I thought we were having a ‘coughing war’.  Later that night I could hear him coughing in the living room and I was in the bedroom coughing.
    Today I asked him if his neck was hurting.  He told me no and I explained to him that my neck was in so much pain.  He said to me, “Well, maybe it’s because your down..like..forever.”

    You know that commercial where it says, “Who does depression hurt?  Everyone.”?  Yeah…He sees it and doesn’t know how to confront me about it.
    Kara leaves me text messages telling me she loves me.  Alyx crawls in bed with me and cuddles, trying to find a place in my world that she can connect with me.

    And now I am going to say it;  I need help. I need support. I can’t do this alone.

    The battle with anxiety is at bay. The control I have over it is manageable and knowing I can go into a situation I wouldn’t normally be able to handle is a feeling I can’t explain.  It’s not gone, but damn it…I got a grip.
    This new thing; the feeling of despair and sadness is indescribable.  If you have it, you could probably put it to words better than I can.

    My dearest, sweetest, most loving husband…you can’t fix this.  I know that is the most horrible thing to say to someone who spends 18 hours of his day making sure that at the end of the day, things are resolved or in the process of being fixed.
    I swear, I believe there isn’t anything you can’t make all better because you are the voice of reason, everyone’s rock and the first person people come to when they need advice.

    Just start with listening when I need talk. Don’t talk. Just listen.

    When I say, “PINEAPPLE” just know it’s time to call the doctor and figure out what they can do STAT.

    Until then, everyone just bear with me.

  • Random and Odd

    Seeing that I blogged this, I won’t actually be able to do it now…

    My ex-husband, Dan and I went food shopping yesterday. Yes, you heard that right.

    Between the two of us, we are trying to figure out how to get through the month of December without the debtors police coming to beat us with bully sticks.
    Since paying child support isn’t in our near future, we decided to work together to be able to at least have food at both houses.
    This is where Costco comes in handy. We picked out the most logical things to buy and then split them.  Even the Oreos…even though Oreos weren’t on the ‘logical’ list…they are tasty.

    After we circled Costco, we cruised over to Walmart to get things that didn’t need to be bought in bulk.  Since we were there we went to the toy section to see what they had out for Christmas ideas.
    We would pick something up, turn it around, check the price…and then conclude that it was garbage and it was just going to end up somewhere under a bed or in the garbage.

    “I officially hate December this year.”  It needed to be said. Actually it needed to be screamed, but my throat was sore.
    “Me too.”

    On the way home, Dan decided to tell me all his financial woahs and I restrained myself from shoving his head through the window.
    I told him, “Take a life insurance policy on me and I will try to make it look like murder.”
    He laughed.
    “No really.”

    After hours and hours of tossing and turning, my body finally relaxed and I fell asleep.

    In my dreams, I planned the perfect murder.  I got to watch the whole thing like a television show, except I was the leading character. (Oh and I looked fantastic! I love it when I am skinny in my dreams!!)

    I was so bummed when I woke up this morning.

    Understanding seasonal depression comes easy to me this year. I am just wondering how long it will last?