Last night was Shea’s dance show. I’m going to take a moment to share with you what my amazing person did on just another average day. He went to the show. That right there is is 100% more participation than what any of my other ex’s have done. There’s more. He went out while I was at work and got Shea flowers & cupcakes. He then came home and cleaned my apartment and did laundry because he knew I wouldn’t have time after work and before the performance to do it. That right there is someone who loves me. When you will do things like that for someone it’s because you’re a good person and want other people’s happiness before your own. I’ve never met anyone quite like him. I guess I have always just spent my time around self serving assholes who’s needs are more important than those he claims to have loved.
So last night was Shea’s dance show and I wish I could tell you, “Wow, you should have seen her do this one move…” but I can’t because my face was shoved behind a camera and I realized how much I missed because of it. SO, I will be going to another one of her shows because I want to just sit back and watch her.
After’s Shea’s show we all came back to the apartment and I pulled up the pictures on my new Mac computer. I feel like I am being shoved on a plane and being told “You fly this. All these buttons make no sense to you, yet some kind of look familiar. Good luck landing this bitch!” Oh and did I mention how fast it is? I can have Lightroom, Bridge and Photoshop all open and it doesn’t miss a beat. My trusty old black Betty struggles with just having the browser open. I am not sure how I did it before, but I do know that it was easier on a Windows. I will get this though. It might take 40 years, but I will get it.
Today I try out a new massage person. I am so picky when it comes to massages because i’m a sissy la-la and I hate it when they are too rough or not enough. There is a perfect in between place and hopefully this lady will get it.
*sigh* last day of the month and a Friday. It’s going to be a long day at work.
The day before yesterday was a fluke day that I wish would repeat. I came home from work, made myself dinner and then sat down to watch my Netflix, Destinations show to see where Scott and Justin ended up this week…(Iceland if you care to know) and the sound of the TV lulled me to sleep at 7:30pm. I woke up at 11:30 and checked my messages (holy crap, you don’t check your phone in a few hours and the texts just start coming in!) and fell back asleep until 5am…where I then got up and cleaned my apartment before work. It was fucking awesome! Yes, I totally felt old for going to bed so early, but I felt so much better. So last night I was totally expecting it to happen again. I don’t watch a lot of TV so I thought that was the magic…turn on the TV and see where my two travelers ended up and boom I go to sleep. NOPE. I had the computer open to check on some trails and camping sites and one click led to another and I swear I took the craziest internet trip of all time.
I was looking at my Flickr site that had this old town I had been to years ago, which then lead me to the comments and one of those being an ex of mine. It’s been like 10 years right (feels like it) since we have been together and i could give a fuck what he’s doing, but i was bored….and I clicked…which then led me to another click, to another link, to this link and then I found some photos he had taken recently and it wasn’t even the photos…it was the EXIF data that interested me the most.
I just smiled.
Auto — every single setting
Flash fired– in full sunlight.
That explains it, I closed my browser and called my sister. “I feel SO MUCH BETTER ABOUT MY LIFE.” and yes, that is so petty, but it bugged the fuck out of me that when we split he had his new wife become his 2nd shooter.. Anyone in the photography business knows you don’t just pick up a camera and say, “I’m a wedding photographer.”
Yes, it’s okay to have some ‘good ideas’ for shots and carry your Costco bought camera along, but that doesn’t make you a photographer. Hours and Hours and Hours of classes, studying, being mentored by experts in lighting, posing, business, and the wedding industry. Spending more money than you have to make sure your lens are not the shit lens that comes on every crap camera they sell…and about 900 things I could go on and on about
And with all that said, looking at the photos…her photos were better than his. Everything was set to auto and it was what I like to call “Spray and Pray” kind of photography. Just shoot a million and hope 400 come out. Not well thought out, but still better.
Both cameras set to auto…it was a match made in heaven.
My daughters and I are finally shooting our first wedding with all four of us there. (And yes, we all shoot manual) I know between my set up and my ex’s set up the girls are going to be in heaven. We both have the 70-200 f2.8, 90 f2.8 and I have the 10-20 and 30 and 50 f1.4. They all have the 50, but the other lenses…it will be a buffet for them to pick which ones they want. I’ll stick with my 70-200 and possibly the 10-20. I’m so excited to be shooting with all my girls for the very time. This should be a great one, if only for the laughs we will have.
What a weekend we had! Getty Owl is always the best damn run in Sacramento and having my running team there is always awesome. I walked it this year with Victoria and we talked the whole time. I caught up on what she was doing and where she’s thinking about going. The more she talked about it, the more I wanted to join her. Wyoming sounds like heaven! I know as soon as Shea graduates from high school I’m outta here. California is just too much and I can’t afford it anymore.
I am still waiting on my tax return and then I am going to sit down and budget how much goes to hike thru gear. I was thinking of putting a down payment on a car, but the more I think about it, it would actually be smarter for me to just shove that money in savings and hold out for a old pick up truck. Just wait until I find it instead of rushing it and wanting it NOW. I’m smart, but horribly impatient.
I’m trying to work several things out in my head lately and how to process them. As soon as day light savings hits, things are drastically changing in my world and I am afraid everyone in my life is either going to love me or hate me. A customer came in yesterday and he was talking about his days off and he said, “In time the thing I learned was the most important thing was to be very selfish about my time off. I take that time very seriously now and I don’t waste it.” I was thinking about that all day and how much of my free time I just toss away. I’m going to be selfish about my time off now too. It’s MY time and I have earned that time.
And on that note, I have to go get ready for work.
This whole week has been one of those “Catch Up” weeks where I think I am going to catch up and I don’t. On Friday at 3pm I looked at my boss after going through all the invoices and bank statements and I said, “Did I even do anything on Tuesday? I mean…if you look at all the stuff I just did, you would think I was dickin’ around on Tuesday and just let the whole place run itself.!” He then looked at me and said, “This place was insane on Tuesday. Don’t be so hard on yourself.”
What other place can I work that I can tell my boss that according to my catch-up workload it looks like i did nothing on a certain day and then he reminds me that I was too busy to keep the schedule that i set for myself? That’s the best part of my job…I set my own goals and expectations of myself. I put together my own workload and every day I get a post it note with random things written on them from my boss that he either needs me to do or look into.
At the end of the day, i’m exhausted and I am SO PROUD of that exhaustion. The mental drain of doing what I do, dealing with the employees and also the customer is so rewarding.
Home is base now. This is safety and quiet. The TV comes on once or twice a week for an hour and the other times it’s silence or if I am home alone working on pictures it’s a soft jazz in the back ground.
OH MY GOD! I forgot the biggest thing I am planning!! I have a one week hike thru this summer. Of course, I have to plan the whole thing, but that’s okay. I have all the books and I just need to do more research on what section I am doing, but I am hiking the Pacific Crest Trail! I read the book a couple years back and I was like, “No fucking way, that’s RIGHT HERE!”
I’ve done the research on my core items: Tent. I have decided to just bite the damn bullet on this one and get the 380.00 tent that is 1 lb. Yes, 1 lb. I’m trying to decide if I keep my 12 degree sleeping bag or if I should just get a 24 degree and go with that because it’s lighter. (another 200 bucks) I guess after I put all the stuff together I will decide. The water purifier, foot print, stove and bear canister will also have to be lightweight and I have done research on all but the canister. So far no one wants to come with me. Victoria doesn’t pee outside. Aaron doesn’t camp and Dan is being a total putz about it. It’s okay, it was the same thing with Skydiving. No one wanted to do that with me and all these years later some of my best friends are those that I met when I was skydiving. Maybe I will make new friends when I start thru-hiking!!
Yes, another adventure I will start doing and people will slowly follow. I CAN FEEL IT!!
My life is taking yet another direction and because of all the twists, turns, and fires I have walked through I am not afraid.
Yesterday I was in a really icky mood. I know that everything happens for a reason. I texted my BFF and said, “Need Prayer…” in the morning and I know her well enough that she was praying for me because I would get random texts from friends during the day. I was talking to one friend and he was having a hard time hearing what I was saying because he was seeing what I was going through on the other side of the coin. I then got a text from another friend asking for advice on something I went through when I was in my 20’s. It made no sense as to why I would be going through them and now 20 years later because I went through them, I can help her.
When you ask for prayer, sometimes weird stuff happens. Embrace the weird.
I’ve been trying to get back into writing and expressing. I bought three different books to spark questions to get me writing again and it’s been more of a pain in the ass than helpful. I’m keeping up with them, but when it asks the hard questions I find myself fearful of actually writing it down.
I’m going to take this meditation yoga class tonight with my new friend. She’s one of those people that actually make me think about the way I talk to myself and the things that I say. The other day she very dryly said, “You make excuses for people.” It stopped me in my tracks and I was like…yes, yes, yes I do. I had to sit with that statement for a few days. Because her expressing an observation about her new friend, it spurred a change in me. I want to be more authentic, but it’s nearly impossible when I am living with all these demons.
On Pintrest I saw this quote with a desolate looking picture that said, “She was drowning and no one saw her struggle or scream.” I fee like that. Sometimes I stop what I am doing and I think…”How do people not see how much I am fighting to keep going every single day?”
Today I am hoping to find a way to deal with the demons and hopefully find some peace in my life.
I just had a friend post a quote from a book she wrote, “Make your mess your message.” I have always felt like the human crash test dummy in hopes of helping others not hit the same walls, but I guess some times people just need to hit their own walls, how they come out on the other side is hopefully something they have learned from watching me continually hitting the same walls. There are a few people in my life that don’t handle life’s bombs so well. It’s painful to watch them just sit there and cry, “Oh poor me, I am not loved…no one loves me…I give so much and no one loves me back!” If you’re not being treated the way you want to be treated, you did a piss poor job letting people know how you deserve to be loved and you’re a dumb ass for allowing those people in your life for as long as you have.
You pick up the pieces of what you were left with and you move the fuck along. You don’t look back because it doesn’t do any good to try to figure out what went wrong. It just went wrong. You wanted to give someone the whole world and be treated with respect and not like your thoughts and feelings didn’t matter.
Anyway, I am projecting again. Time to get ready for work.