• Random and Odd

    The Ex-wives Club



    The Ex-wives Club, originally uploaded by Suddenly Single.

    Last night was the last night for Tabitha and Jeremiah in the town we live in.
    Her phrase always was, “I am not from here!” and I get it, but once we got past our differences (ha-that makes it sound less painful than what we went through) we got really close and I very much enjoyed her conversation and the times spent laughing with each other. I’m going to miss her ‘not from here’ ass.

    She was warned that she will have to come stay one weekend out of the month because I am going to go through Jeremiah withdrawals. I asked him last night while he was giving me the biggest hug, “What’s my name, little man?” he hugged me tighter and said, “Auntie Awesome.” I hope he never outgrows that…or calling Kara, Kiki.

    Things have been going pretty good for me though. I’ve lost nearly 20lbs…with only 60 more to go! Breaking past the 20 marker has been a pain in the ass though. I can’t remember the last time I had a soda. I thought for sure I would miss them, but I haven’t and I can actually SMELL sugar if it’s close enough to me. The artificial sweeteners are too sweet for me now.

    It seems like everyone is going out and getting their Christmas trees and I have no interest in doing so. I have 5 boxes in my garage screaming to be unpacked and put up to ring in the holiday and I’m just not there yet. Thanksgiving came and went without any fanfare…(well, except that one thing) and I guess I was hoping that Christmas could do the same. I have a feeling I won’t be so lucky…on either count.

    I have 25 days to find that Christmas spirit. Might be in one of those boxes in the garage.

  • Random and Odd

    Split Social Personality

    I’m at that weird cross road where I am caught between who I am, what I want to be…and in those moments I seem to be able to write from the heart.   As you can tell, i’m kind of half assing it here.
    So here is where the split social networking personality comes into play.
    Facebook: I write whatever the fuck I want, but then I hit delete and try to write it where my family doesn’t want to wash my mouth out with soap, my aunt feels she needs to pray for my soul, that is without a shadow of a doubt, going to rot in hell. I don’t want to sound single/available because I don’t want anyone interested. I don’t want to sound single/bitter because there will come a day when I do and I don’t want someone to think I will cut off their penis if they leave the toilet seat up either.  I don’t want to sound weak, because i’m not. I don’t want to sound strong, because I’m not.
    I just write really pointless crap…which I have come to find is what Facebook is best for…oh, and being able to find the funniest shit on youtube. I mean come on…Antione and “hide your wife, hide your kids, hide your husband because they are raping evr’one out here.” I don’t care who you are, that was funny as fuck.

    R&O is my heart. This is where I bring it and dump it and not really care who is going to read it.  There’s a pretty good chance I will not ever go into a position in my life where high up executives will go through my blog and say, “Dear God! that woman spoke of boob hair on the internets!!”

    Flickr that is mostly associated with my blog is where I had a blast.  The amount of technical crap I learned from those amazing photographers that I have passed onto other people in return is the ultimate pay it forward website.  I have since blocked nearly 9,000 pictures.  Not sure where I am going with it yet, I might bring back the artistic pictures…right now it says what I need it to, it’s my reminder to move forward.
    The other Flickr I have is from Suddenly Single.  When I got my new phone I put the address to upload my pictures to that Flickr instead of my old Flickr because I didn’t want a bunch of ‘cell phone pictures’ cluttering up my main account and with this new phone that is *cue angels singing* heeeeaaavvvvennnnn….I had noooooo idea how many ‘cell phone pictures’ I would be taking.  For the record, A WHOLE BUNCH. Since we are talking about my new phone… How did I live before swype? I. DO. NOT. KNOW!
    In the process of getting to know my new phone I found some cool apps that do a great job fucking up a normal picture and sometimes making it look kind of cool.  Fine line people, FINE line.  When I started uploading them and looking at them, I was inspired to write. When I write there, I would like to say it’s from my cheerleader side.  You know that person inside of you when you break down and start crying and that voice starts yelling at you to stop, pick yourself up, keep going…that one that tells you that you’re a fucking idiot and to get a clue.  That is the one that writes on that Flickr. I think I kinda have a little crush on her.  She’s the smarter, wiser, stronger part of me.

    I wish that I had more of an artistic side, but I guess I can only have 1 or 2…that is split up into 2 or 3 each.

  • Random and Odd

    everything’s alright I’ll just say goodnight and I’ll show myself to the door

    The weather was so nice driving back up to Redding yesterday. This morning the weather is horrible!
    The wind is kind of scary.
    I can drive in rain and snow without freaking out…but you throw wind in there and I get a bit weirded. It wasn’t as bad when I was driving the big truck, but my wee little car tends to get whipped around on the road.

    I tend to be a spur of the moment type of person. I decided in 3 minutes that I was going to throw a pair of pants and my running shoes into a bag and head to Redding to see my sister. Three hours isn’t too bad if you have music and a good attitude. It would be wise for me to be a bit of a planner, because as pretty as it was yesterday…i’m going to driving home today in crap ass weather. This wasn’t a big secret, apparently it was on the news.

    Recently, I have had a lot of wake up calls and one of them is, there might come a time when I am not allowed to drive because I might forget where I am going. There might a time when my kids freak out because I am too old to be driving in a car all by myself. So if I can throw my stuff into the trunk of my car and drive, dear God, I am going to do it.

    This is just another one of those things in life that I am going to push through…so that way next time I can say, “Hey, I’ve been here and I survived it!”

    So bring on the freaking tornado. I’m just going to tighten my seat belt and turn up the radio. :)

  • Random and Odd

    Oh the blessings…

    Happy Thanksgiving!

    How fantastic was it to not wake up to an alarm this morning? Amazing!!
    How awesome is the cup of coffee I am enjoying from my bed on my NOT work computer? HEAVEN!

    Alyx is with a friend down south this week. It took a act of God for both Dan and I to agree to let her go because to both of us, she’s still just 5 years old and never too far from either one of us.  In a little over a month she turns 14 and it’s just not easy to wrap my mind around that. I am thankful that she’s a smart, funny and responsible girl that we can trust.

    Shea and Kara are sleeping in like they have this whole break.  Kara actually crawled out of bed at 3pm the other day. Damn, I sort of miss those days when laying in bed all day wasn’t a treat, but a weekend requirement.  Now I get up at 5:30 every morning and drive an hour in traffic.

    Everyone on Facebook has been talking about what they are thankful for for Thanksgiving.  Family, Friends, Health. Those are the staple things I have been reading.  I am thankful for all those things too, but I think the really things tend to get forgotten and so I am taking my little things and writing about them here.

    1. I am thankful for my car. Yes, it’s old as hell without a single bell or whistle, but it gets me from point A to point B.  Would I love a newer car? yes, I would, but I am thankful for what I have today.

    2. For the woman who gave me a shot and allowed me to move into her home as a renter.  Having lost my home this year was heartbreaking and I swore I was going to end up in a tiny apartment, but someone heard my story and trusted that I would treat her house as a home and take care of it. I will not let her down.

    3. The school system my kids are in.  I don’t think they get enough credit for all that they do. The teachers that take their lives and dedicate it to making sure that our children will not fail.

    4. My amazingly comfortable bed. Sometimes I sink my face into the feather down goodness of it and say, “thank you..I love you!” It’s not until you sleep in somewhere else that you realize how you and your bed have a special relationship.

    5. My memories. Sometimes they are mean to me, but for the most part, I have some great memories and recently I found out how vivid a memory can be that you can actually remember what someone feels or smells like.

    6. Those rare moments when Kara and Shea get along and realize they have more in common than they thought. Those moments where Kara realizes how much her little sisters look up to her and relish every moment she is nice to them. I am blessed that my girls do love each other, stick up for each other when it counts and keep each other out of trouble.

    7. My ex’s.  Let’s start with Dan. Does he piss me the fuck off on a daily basis? YES he does. He also loves his daughters and as much as he hates to admit it, he loves me too.  I am the mother of his children and he knows what I do is for them and though there isn’t a chance in hell we will ever be together again, he there if my car breaks down, needs air in the tires, the smoke alarm batteries are chirping, the garbage disposal gets clogged or I need to have a mental break down…he is there. Next Shaun…there are two things I am grateful for; 1. He left. 2. He left me with Tabitha, Jeremiah and Marina.
    and last the best Ex of all: Tabitha.  Our friendship which is like a sisterhood started out great, got rocky, got ugly, got hateful, got beautiful, got hateful again and now…through all that we have been through is something I am PROUD of. She has turned out to be a better friend than all those people that were a part of my life and helped me bash her and call her names. No, i’m not proud of that, but I think that it just had to happen to get us to where we are now. I’m sure everyone of her friends have wonderful stories of the things she said about me too. :)  We have gotten past that and when I don’t hear from her on a daily basis, I actually MISS her.

    8. My blog.  Ups and downs this poor thing has been through huh? The fact that I still get comments and emails from you all is truly amazing!  The fact that so many followed me to Facebook and our friendship have blossomed is shocking. I love it.

    9. My bathtub.  After my fall down the stairs where at the bottom I looked like a homicide victim, I still ended up going to the gym with a jacked up knee and shoulder that I am pretty sure is dislocated…that amazing bath took nearly all the pains away.  Not all…this shoulder hurts like hell!

    10.  Entertainment.  I remember after a tearful conversation a year ago when I had poured out all the things I needed to say…I turned on the TV to get my head somewhere else and I turned on Chuck.  30 short minutes later I was cracking up. I had said my final goodbyes to my husband through tears…and 30 minutes later I’m laughing at a TV show?  It sounds heartless, but it showed me that I would laugh again…oh how much laughter have I had in the last 19 months? SO MANY!  Music has moved me into action and pulled me from sadness and helped fuel anger to push me forward.  Rocky Horror  Picture Show brought down a wall with my daughter and allowed her to accept a friendship she wouldn’t allow.  The Biggest Loser has shown me that I can push, push, push myself.

    So there it is. My crazy list of things I am thankful this year :)

  • Random and Odd

    The consequences that I’ve rendered…I’ve stretched myself beyond my means

    I decided to bring back Random and Odd because tomorrow marks my divorce finalization date.  In the last 19 months I have learned so much about myself. Some good, some great, some…not so good or great.

    I decided to keep thing events of what happened in our marriage and divorce somewhat private, outside of some snarky comments, no one except the people close to me know the details of why our marriage ended. 
    In the beginning I was hurt by the end of my marriage. I think mostly because It was another failed relationship and I felt that I had given so many “chances” to right the wrongs and even sought marriage counseling.  It was difficult to take the counseling serious when I knew that his problem wasn’t with our marriage, but with an addictive behavior he admitted to having and without getting that under control,  it didn’t matter how much talking we did and promises that were made, we weren’t going to survive. 

    It didn’t take long before those feelings subsided and were replaced with new friends and a new kind of laughter.    Where I am today and the woman I was then, I realized that I didn’t love him the way that a woman should love a man. I loved him like the best friend he was to me.  When he left, he took that friendship that I thought I would never be able to replace.   Let it be said, I was wrong.  There were things that I did miss that I may have twisted in my head and it took truly falling in love to see the difference of the two.

    After my husband left, my room felt so empty and the side of the bed was this haunting reminder of his absence.  The side of his bed became where I placed books, plates, remotes.   After awhile I realized it wasn’t  HIM that I missed, it was that safe feeling I had knowing that I wasn’t alone in the room.  When I moved into the new house and that side of bed belonged to someone else, when he left too, I didn’t put stuff over there.  I recognized what I had done before and decided this time around is to make myself feel safe.  


    Another thing I had twisted was that I was afraid I was going to miss intimacy.  Looking back, there was no intimacy in our marriage.  Because of the issues we had it never felt like my husband ever really opened up to me. I see that now…there was something he was holding back.  It took many, many, many conversations with his ex-wife (who now is counted as one of the two people I TRUST in this world, and you all know our past!) to fully understand the depth of the ‘holding back’ issue.  I can say, I didn’t see it then, but it’s so obvious now that I actually feel retarded for not seeing it before.  Oh, the arrogance of thinking that I knew everything about him and that he shared such intimate secrets with me that no one ever knew. Yes, I was a retard.

    It wasn’t until I finally did have intimacy in my life that I realized how truly special that is.  It wasn’t through secrets we told each other or the secrets we shared, it was through touch and unconditional trust we had for each other.  There was one incident I will never forget, and in that moment I made a promise to someone that I would love and care for this person for the rest of my life and never hurt him. Sadly I had to ask to be released from that promise in order to move forward.  The next relationship I am in, that person will be truly blessed because I do understand the difference between friendship and intimacy.  Sometimes we get lucky and we get both.  Sometimes it doesn’t last and it’s okay to move forward…and you don’t have to be graceful like I thought I had to be.

    In the beginning I chose to do some things that would mask that feeling of hurt and betrayal.  The most obvious thing was taking up skydiving.   I love skydiving more than anything I have ever done in my life. I am start enough to see now that I threw myself into it because I was running from something.   When everything began to fall apart I had to make some choices that I kind of regret.  I say ‘kind of’ because the choices I made were smart ones, but I had to give up some things to achieve them.

    Last month I was faced with what it felt like to give up something I loved and my first reaction was to head out to the dropzone and hurl myself from the next plane going up.  I quickly saw the flaw in that way of thinking and decided to deal with that hurt in a healthy way so when I do get back on that plane I can leap out with a clear mind.   When my marriage ended, I didn’t care about ending anything ‘healthy’, I just wanted the pain to stop and I pushed it far away.  Because of that action, I became somewhat jaded.   The fact that I actually recovered from him leaving so quickly was kind of shocking.  I have asked myself since the day he left, ‘Do you miss him?’  and I realize that it wasn’t him I missed, but I missed feeling safe.   The other night, it was blinding clear to me that when you truly love someone you remember how they feel and smell when they aren’t there.  I never had those thoughts in my head after my husband left.  I can’t remember what he felt or smelled like…I never cared to.

    I do not regret anything that has happened in the last 19 months.  My kids got to see that sometimes things don’t work out and as hard as I tried to not fall in love again, I did.  They saw what Mom was like when she felt truly loved.  They also got to see that even after you get knocked down, you get back up again…and then you get knocked down again.  It is just like that song.   They got to see me finally snap and they saw that true friends rally around you and they let you say, “I’m done.” But they take the keys from you and they sit with you and build you back up.  My kids will see that you can hate someone with every bone in your body and that person turns out to be the person that picks you up and dusts you off and jokes, ‘There was a time I would have used the opportunity to run you over and back my car up and do it again. ‘. 
    They have the joy of watching Mom start another journey in her life, even though I keep looking over my shoulder at the past to make sure that I don’t make any of those same mistakes again.
    I think the biggest mistake I made was going against something I promised myself.   I said I would never get married again and because I began to feel safe again, I went back on that promise.  This time around I will take the advice of someone I loved with my whole heart…I will never say something to someone that I don’t mean to make them feel better. 
    I will NEVER get married again.

  • Random and Odd

    I got this…as always.

    I’ve been on this strange roller coaster of emotions lately.
    This month is turning out to be worse than the whole year of 2009.

    Tabitha has this saying, “Fake it till you make it.” and dear Lord, the amount of energy it requires to smile through any type of situation is exhausting.  I will admit, at first it was pretty easy…but about 3 weeks in I feel like taking a baseball bat to anyone that has the audacity to ask, “you okay?”.  No, i’m not okay.

    I’ve been going to the gym, and I hate to admit it, but it has helped my sleeping habits.  By ten o’ clock I am exhausted and fall asleep wherever I am sitting.  It could be that or the lack of food I am eating.  Either way, I am so grateful to finally being able to get sleep.
    In the last month I have been corresponding with someone at some point in my life meant a lot to me.  I’m hesitant to let this person too close and for good reason.  I recently stopped that correspondence because he has  more drama than a Jersey Shore cast member.
    Then last week, out of the blue another person that meant absolutely nothing to me growing up came back into my life.   My sleep patterns changed dramatically because of the hours we were spending on the phone catching up.
    Now, hopefully…after yesterday’s all sleep marathon…I hope to be back to normal.

    Things are shitty. For some of you…that will bring you great happiness. For others you know that this doesn’t usually last that long for me and I tend to bounce back faster than most.
    Yesterday I had a range of emotions going through me. “Damn, I wish I could just drink a pint of something, laugh, do crazy shit and not remember it in the morning!”
    My brain then kicks in and says, “You would remember and you would feel like shit because you let someone do Jager shots off your tits.  You’re not in college anymore, grow up.”
    Then the other options. “I wish I could do bong hits all night long and just laugh until my face hurt.”
    Then brain then tells me, “You’re not in high school anymore, you would just get the munchies and the diet that you’ve been on for the last month would go to shit.  You don’t want to sit around and watch Spongebob for 5 straight hours. Besides it would be your luck something bad would happen and you wouldn’t be in control enough to drive…and really…where in the hell would you find anyone that even has a bong or pot? you’re a dumbass.”
    Next option…I wish I could just move far, far away.
    Brain starts talking, “Your kids are in the best schools you’ll ever have them in. You have sacrificed so much to keep them in for years. You have 5 more years and then you can go wherever you want….so suck it up and just deal with this shit you’re going through!”

    I hate the fact that I am my own cheerleader.  My cheerleader is more like a mean PE teacher.
    That responsible part of me is usually right though. So I get up every morning, take a shower, go to work, smile and pretend that everything is fantastic. Come home, put on my gym clothes and use that hour to run, walk, jog, bike or lift that angry aggression I have.  When I get home I pass out.  There really is no time for anything else outside of my kids and making sure I have clean clothes for the morning.
    This is just how it has to be for me for the next five years and when I get it through my head that nothing else but getting healthy, looking decent, putting money in my savings account matters I will be able to get through this part.

    A bunch of girls and I were talking one day and the subject of bitches came up.  I’ve been lucky enough to surround myself with non-bitches.  One asked, “Ever realize how the longest relationships we know usually involve a nice guy and a horrible, cold, mean bitch?”  We pondered why that happens.  Why do guys stay with total bitches? I still haven’t figured it out.

    Anyway…I need to go gather my clothes for work tomorrow and start all over again.  Thank you xanax for all that sleep yesterday. I needed it.

  • Random and Odd

    What you’re not saying is coming in loud and clear…



    Thanks Kackles…a year ago!, originally uploaded by Random and Odd.

    For the last few days I have been watching the two shows I have Tivo’ed for the day and then I turn off the tv around 10pm and talk myself to sleep.
    To be able to do this is SHOCKING. I have fought with insomnia for so many years it’s not funny. To be able to shut off the tv and to be able to dig deep into my thoughts and let that lull me to sleep is a blessing that I am holding onto.

    A million years ago I was able to be able to put things in ‘boxes’ in my head. If I could figure out where something fit, then I could move on and it wouldn’t nag at me any longer. I stopped doing that when I was told it wasn’t healthy how I was doing it. I wasn’t facing the issue, just how to get rid of it.
    The other night I had some suppressed anger that was nagging at me.
    I turned off the television and drew a line in my head. One side was what happened. Underneath that is how that action made me feel. On the other side was who caused that feeling and why they did it.
    Right smack in the middle was a blame column.
    I started at the beginning of it all from my point of view and then switched over to the other side. I realized after about ten minutes that I brought it on myself. This one belonged to me. I owned this anger, frustration and sadness.
    I feel asleep feeling better because even though I was the dumbass that did it to myself, I had learned from that action and it’s not one I will repeat again.

    Last night I had some other things rolling around so I did the same thing. I turned off the tv and went digging in. It was about 35 seconds later I feel asleep. I guess that issue wasn’t as pressing as I thought or I wouldn’t have been able to fall asleep if I hadn’t figured it out.

    Everyday is new day (or so I am told, I’m starting to feel like I’m recycling old days sometimes) and today on my way to work I had one of those awesome moments where I thought, ‘right now, i’m happy.’.
    I’m happy with how well I am doing. I’m flipping pages to my life and each chapter is so different from the last one, but damn…i’m living it.

    Did it turn out like I planned? Nope…and it’s darn good thing because I can’t imagine what tomorrow is going to bring.

  • Random and Odd

    Happy Halloween 2010

    Let’s just start this off with, I love my kids.
    I love that they might be too old to be trick or treating, but still go out, buy a costume and go trick or treating.  Kara was the alien toy from Toy Story and it didn’t matter how many times she said,  “The claw has chosen.”  It made me giggle.
    Her boyfriend and best friend borrowed Pooh and Tigger from our collection of costumes.  They looked so cute it almost made me cry!
    Shea was a barmaid and her long hair made it look awesome!  Alyx,  my ever so creative child got a toddlers crayon costume and wore it as a shirt.
    Jeremiah FINALLY got to wear his spiderman costume.
    A few weeks ago we went to the store and he wouldn’t stop. “Auntie…auntie….auntie…I’m getting my costume today right?! Mom, tell Auntie I am getting my costume. WHY ARE WE HERE!? WE SHOULD BE GETTING MY COSTUME!”  If we were smart, we would have gotten that damn costume at the beginning of our outing.

    Saturday night Shea had her long belated birthday party.  She has ‘postponed’ her party many times and it was time to just stick to a date and go with it.  I picked the weekend my brother was in Redding and my other friend was having a birthday party. I’m the master of planning shit out.
    10 preteens hyped up on candy and the most amazing zombie cake was what my Saturday night looked like.  I thought it would be cool to buy them the Nightmare on Elm Street movies.  What a great way to scare them at the end of the night!  *rolling eyes* those little brats LAUGHED at the scariest move the 1980’s produced!  They were belly laughing the whole damn thing.

    At the end of that very long night I crawled up the stairs…and I mean, crawled because I was exhausted! and I had a few minutes to myself before I crashed. In those quiet moments alone I managed to figure out something amazing that will allow me to continue to keep moving forward and not be bitter.   That will come in a post later, but it’s safe to say…Holy Shit…I saved myself again and this time it didn’t require jumping out of a plane. :D

    Happy November.