• Random and Odd

    Looking back and moving forward…

    I had an awesome weekend with my whole family in Redding.  My little ones wanted to spend the week with their grandparents and auntie during their break.  Spoiled just doesn’t cover it.

    They have been back this week, but since they missed karate last week they have to make up for it all week this week.
    I’ve gotten home from work and they are already gone. It feels like a life time since I have been able to yell, beat or smother them with love!

    My niece is getting married this summer, I know…I know…she’s SO young, and she wanted to get some shots taken in the town her dad grew up in.  It was so weird taking her to all my old hangouts when I was a kid.  We visited one of the few lakes, the burned down old bar and the house we grew up in.  Yes, we were living big and glamorous huh?

    In order to get the shot, we had to get out of the car and work our way closer.  After taking the pictures, I looked at the house with new eyes.  I have a million memories there, some of the good and more that really suck.  I don’t really remember us moving out. I just remembered that one day we didn’t live there anymore and life was suddenly better for all of us.
    I love it when you can look back at your past and see the future right there smiling at you.

    I am hopeful and grateful that I have a future to look forward to…a very happy one.

  • Random and Odd

    It’s just stupid

    How much I love the TV show Chuck!

    Okay, and now to things that don’t involve the best show on TV.

    I am hoping that in the next two days I will find out the best news I have had in YEARS!  Two days might be too hopeful.

    I am hopeful…so freaking hopeful right now.

    When you hear the high pitched squeal coming from California…It’s just me…excited and happy as hell!
    You won’t hear sobbing though…because if I found out anything last year, I am stronger than I thought I could ever be, stronger than anyone ever gave me credit for…well, except my sister and mom. They’ve known all along!

    :) *fingers crossed* and ARCH!

  • Random and Odd


    I had a rough last year and this year tried to wear some of 2009’s clothes, but despite that…I have hope.
    For almost a year I have despised the word “Hope”. Because not only did I allow someone to take it way, it made me question EVERY single thing and EVERY single person I met.  I admit,  there is nothing more surreal than feeling hopeless while surrounded by family and friends that would take a bullet for you.

    I have been having dreams again. In the last month I had one of the gut wrenching, sobbing dreams.  I have a fantastic friend who I share everything with…but at that early morning I had to call someone that would understand where I had been. I called Tabitha at this ungodly morning hour and poured my heart out and explained the dream I had. I’m not really sure how much she heard between the sobbing and sniffling.
    We talked like two soldiers that had been on the same tour.  She reminded me that she got through it and I would too.
    She also said something funny, “I wasn’t always this bitch. People made me this way.”  I finally get it.  Yes, she is crazy, dramatic and holy hell if you’re on her bad side, you will think she has lost her mind with her logic that makes no sense, but at least I understand her because *I* know her now.  Yes, crazy, bitchy, dramatic are the words I will describe her…but I would also like to add, when she loves, she loves red hot and fiercely with everything in her and with loyalty that I am envious of.

    I had another dream. This one wasn’t one like the one I had before, but more of a ‘Hey, remember this dream and figure it out when you have time’
    It had been nagging, naggging naggging at me to pick apart and the other night it finally hit me what most of it meant.  It means that there is a balance I need find. That in order to get across I need to learn how to walk across on top and stop trying to walk through at the bottom.
    There is also that I need to listen to what is being said, let everything just go and with balance and grace I can get through it. I can get through anything.  Because of that dream and all the heart wrenching ones before it…I am brought back to the one word that my friend, Ken would say all the time when things got bad and there was nothing I could do to fix it.

    Wash.    It’s a wash.

    I can’t wait to start this new part of my life. I realize there will be disappointments and I got roll with those changes.

    I am blessed beyond words. I have the most amazing people who love me. I was able to verbally say I was sorry for not listening to a friend and letting her know that my biggest regret was not listening to her.  I have the most amazing men in my life right now. Each one so strong and loving.  I have the strongest women as role models. Women that have been through a lot, been loved and hated.  My children, so brave and strong and beautiful and everything a mother could ever want in children.  They make me laugh every single day and I guess there is something to be said about what happened and having to talk to my daughter about details of my life I never wanted her to know, we are honest with each other now and I know I can trust her.

    And lastly, I get to play where others only gaze in wonder.

    My world is good place, it may look like shit, but DAMN, my world is pretty fucking awesome right now.

  • Random and Odd


    Last night was one of THOSE nights where you don’t say anything to piss me off or I am going to bite your head off.
    It’s been a rough week as it is and I didn’t need any bullshit.
    I IMed my friend and told her I was about ready to snap.   She calmed me down after 500 questions and realized I was just being bitchy.
    Finally, having enough I looked over and let it out, “WOULD YOU STOP GLARING AT ME!? GOD! You have been glaring at me all damn night!”
    His mouth dropped open.”I have an EYE INFECTION! I am not glaring, I am looking at you! I JUST HAVE TO SQUINT!”

    Yeah, I might have been a little bit bitchy the other night.