offering up my heart.

Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
Cold Sisters Cuddle by Random and Odd
Cold Sisters Cuddle, a photo by Random and Odd on Flickr.

Last week on my monthly trip to Ikea, Dan was rambling about how he was going to do this thing where he hooks up his old phone to speakers and streams Pandora. I didn’t understand how that would work because those phones are not activated. He said they didn’t have to be, as long as I had WiFi to run them on, they still work, just not the calling option.
Really now?
I have never kept an old phone before because it usually had Tide detergent filled water seeping from the cracks. The last one that had to be retired was because of a cracked screen. It’s still functional, but the tiny flakes of glass in my finger was reason enough to bite the bullet and buy a new one.
I pulled the finger slicer out of the old phone drawer and charged it up. I had to redownload Pandora and I was questioning this plan the whole time. It works! Now I can listen to music while I edit photos without it being all choppy and slowing my computer down to a snail’s pace!

Pandora is my new favorite thing. Shut up, I know I am late to the game. The last time I used it was when it first came out and they had commercials every other song and the amount of music was very limited. Recently I have been on this weird music kick. I don’t know what you would call the genre of music that it falls under, but it’s not the stuff you hear on the radio and at 41 years old, it feels like I have heard every single song on the radio and I need something else.
I’m a 15 year old that suddenly decided to quit the cheerleading team and only listens to underground music and rolls her black eyelined eyes at everything.

Last week was one of those weeks where I buried myself in my office to edit pictures with a vengeance. I had about 7 client’s proofs on deck and had 2 more sneaking in before Christmas and with Kara coming home, they couldn’t wait. Pandora felt my pain and stepped up to provide me with that mix of music that had me smiling and sometimes even crying. I mean, I was bawling at Passenger’s – Let her Go. Rosenburg with that haunting, British-folky sound gets me every single time. That last line…oh my lawdy my heart just breaks.
I have been writing down all the music that I love so at some point when I have a second I can download it and make a CD that I will never remove from my car.
One of my clients and friends came over to go over his pictures and he laughed at my broken phone set up and questioned my musical choices. He said, “This actually fits the weird mood you have been in the last week.”
Music is so revealing. I hadn’t talked to him about anything I have been going through because he’s a part of our BFF group and I didn’t want to talk about it to one person and then have to deal with it from anyone else later. I’m lucky enough to have pockets of friends that I can lean into and it won’t overlap with the other pocket. It does sometimes, with the photography club, running team, hockey team, skydiving team…they all intermingle now and I NEVER saw that happening. I’m happy though because I have the greatest friends and they are good for each other. Anyway, I was surprised he picked up on my mood.
“I’m good now. I’m better than good.” I’m on a different road and I have to switch the way I have been thinking for the last four years. It’s scary, but I am ready.

The past week the Pandora has been honed with the thumbs up, thumbs down and it even knows what time of day what I want to hear! At night it’s that folky sound. During the day it’s Warren Haynes grit. Sometimes she slips in some country and I can be heard belting out, “Follow your Arrow” by Kasey Musgraves.
I blame this new music interest on Carson Daily…he got me hooked on Joshua James which has opened up so much more music I wouldn’t have normally listened to.

Scouting for Fall

Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
Scouting for Fall by Random and Odd
Scouting for Fall, a photo by Random and Odd on Flickr.

Yesterday I was in the place to watch an all day marathon of OWN television. It was that show Ayana Save My Life or something like that.
I think I watched 3 episodes and slept through the other 2.
During each of the episodes the key to fixing the problem was communicating. This one episode really resounded with me because of the words that were used.

I wish I had a closet of all the words I have heard that have moved me through the years. I would hang them up and on days when I needed them I could wrap them around me like a warm robe.

In this episode she is trying to talk to this older gentleman who was very set in his way because of how he was raised and his life experiences. She said, “Sometimes you have to meet people where they are.” (in their experience) and this man was not in the same place that she needed him to be to be able to make a difference. She tried for about 20 minutes to communicate what she needed and it wasn’t working. She thanked him for his time and told the viewers, “you have to meet people where they are, but sometimes you have to leave them there.”

It got me to thinking about the gift of conversations. If you ask someone who has lost someone what they would want and 90% of the time they say something like, “I wish I would have told them…” or “I wish I just had one more day to just sit and talk…”

In my life I have had ‘last conversations’ with people. I didn’t always know that it was the last conversation though. I was on the phone with Grandma moments before I would have no other conversations with her. She got up to check on something and fell down. I would never be able to talk to her again, to hear her voice.
My last words to my grandpa was, “I’ll see you later, Ugly.” and his were to me, “Yep, see you later, Double Ugly.” I wouldn’t change any conversation I had with either of these people if you offered me all the money in the world. There is something gentle and comforting about the way I conversed with my grandparents. They had unconditional love…and in that love I could feel safe to hear their words and give them mine.

I can think of the last conversations in my life that if I could change, I would. My step daughter is one of them. The way it ended was wrong and It was based on her immature behavior and someday when she is grown, I hope that she chooses to change our last conversation with an apology. I don’t care that she is still in contact with her step sisters, but as for me I will not allow her to disrespect me the way she did ever again. I have forgiven her, but I won’t allow myself to be hurt again.
My ex-father in law. I did get to say goodbye to him and I know that he loves me, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t miss the conversations. I miss the phone calls to each other to talk about Twilight Zone or some other old movie we both loved. That easy way of conversing.
My old best friend. The last conversation I had with her was her being very mad at me that I was going skydiving without her. I can’t believe that was the last thing we talked about. I can’t believe after everything we had been through, that our last conversation would be something so incredibly stupid.
Looking back, I realize now that she had no idea how strong I really was and it made her her feel better as a person to have control over me and our friendship. She crossed the line when she wanted control over how I was raising my children. I’m all up for ideas, tips and conversations on how to do things that work better. It’s a whole new story when she went behind my back to someone else that didn’t have my families best interest at heart and thought they could turn my daughters against me.
Sometimes people have their final conversation with you and you can’t control how that will go. I accept now that some times…stupid conversations are going to be the last conversation.

I decided yesterday that I am not going to take any conversation for granted anymore. I am going to really hear what people are telling me. I want to be able to say at the end of the conversation, “I heard what you said to me.” and they will know that their words are blessings…or they are weapons. I will let people know that if they give me love, I will not take it for granted. I will also understand that not everyone has a large emotional vocabulary, but if they can express their disappointments, they can just as easily express their love.
Today I will wear my warm robe of words that were given to me by the three amazing women in my life. I am loved.