Oblivious…

Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random

I am so blind.

Again, my world just spun out of my control.
I look at my life and how hard I have tried to just be that person that has it all together and everything looks like it is where it should be.
At what point to do I just say, “That isn’t the way your life is going to go…You’re going to have a life of color and varying experiences.”
I’m crazy, why I can’t I just embrace that? Why I can’t I embrace the fact that I always get what I want and it is NEVER the way I wanted it?
There is a night in my near future that I am going to just have to sit outside with a single bottle of wine and just ask myself the question, “Why not. Why do you care what anyone thinks anyway?”
Someday I will look back and will I just say, “I didn’t love because it didn’t look the way I thought it should be.”

…or I can not worry about it and just let go.

Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random

I just spent the last 4 days with the girls and my person.
It was unbelievable! I’ve been to Disneyland many times in the past, but this was the first time I actually felt the magic of that place.

My person, Aaron is a hard core Disney fanatic. The stuff he knows blows me away.  He planned our whole trip and I swear there is a special place in heaven for him.
SIX hours in a car singing every single Disney song ever recorded.
Picking up Kara was so awesome! Her Facebook post: “Just hopped off the plane at LAX…” and that of course prompted us to crank up that song and dance in the parking lot to it.  After 2 hours of sleep in more than 24 hours and we are all dancing in Lot C of LAX.  We were parked under the path that the airplanes took to land and seeing the planes coming in so low was exhilarating.  So many times I would scratch my head and ask myself, “How did I get here? and what did I do right to deserve this kind of happiness?”

Day one was doing some crazy stuff that Aaron had planned out.  We went back to the house and got ready. He had planned for Shea to take a hip hop dance class at one of the best dance academys in Santa Monica. This was a surprise and she had no idea. Aaron and Alyx had planned to get her dance clothes and let her know once we got there.  She was blown away and scared to death.  I told her, “Just go in and make a friend. All you have to do is go  have fun.”   Can I just say, “DAMN!” That girl can DANCE!  She was picking up on all the moves so quickly and by the end of the class she had the whole routine down and the execution of it was flawless.  To say I was blown away is a complete understatement.  She has been telling me awhile that she wanted to take classes, but I didn’t realize that the importance of it to her.  I’m looking into it now.

After we left we went to this UN FREAKING BELIEVABLE book store. I just wish I had about 6 days to explore in there.  If I wasn’t completely exhausted at that point, I would have been giddy.
Dinner was so good that Kara shot me a warning look to stop looking like I was praying and chewing at the same time.

Disneyland. I can’t even describe it. TWICE I will have used this phrase because it fits, OH THE FEELS! So many feels.
As I waited in line for Peter Pan and I watched my oldest daughter teaching our family how to communicate in sign language, to the countless times while standing in lines and getting people to join in on singing with us to Disney songs, to watching Shea start shaking because she was about to get her picture taken with Sully, to Alyx nearly having her knees buckle because she got to meet Jessie, to the highlight of seeing Aaron totally bust out in Fantasmic dance, to getting stuck on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride for 45 minutes and not even caring because that was 45 minutes I wasn’t walking or waiting in line.
The whole first day was crammed with so much to do and see.
For the part of me that knows the best part was who I was with and the precious valuable time we had together, I am so grateful.  For the part just for me, I think it was feeling that life can be magical. You can wish upon a star and wishes to come true.  Good beats out Evil.  There is a such thing as Once Upon a Time and Happily Ever After.  That’s what I took away from this weekend.

I have so many stories from this weekend and I was writing them in my head as I went along, but there isn’t enough time.
I got home around 10pm on Monday.  It had started out a weird Monday because of a misunderstanding with an old friend and I. The great part was that it happened and then we talked and it was worked out in less than a few hours.  That was something I had forgotten could happen. People could misunderstand each other and then quickly talk it out.
This is important for me and It’s on the top of the green flag list.  Notice how I didn’t say, ‘red flag’? I’m trying to stay away from that form of negativity. Instead of focusing on things that will stop me in my tracks, I’m focusing on the things that are going to propel me forward in my path.  That was a “proceed forward” moment and one of those things when I do decide to tell the story, it will be one of the main reasons it worked out.

The weeks gearing up to Disneyland have been beautiful too.  I had my weekend get away and it was perfection.  We talked and laughed for hours. The time went too fast though so we decided to spend the next weekend together where we could just hang out and catch up on old times.  We played pool, danced to 80′s music and we watched the sun come up before we laughed ourselves to sleep.  Two hours later we got up and went on a hike that was so amazing with all the new life and green fields of flowers and butterflies.   The four hour nap afterward was the best.
That night we watched the sun go down, the moon come up slowly in the sky, move around the horizon and then watched the sun come.  We never ran out of things to tell each other and the stories we had to share were endless.  When the birds came out we finally got sleep and at noon on Easter morning we got up and made omelettes.
If I could tell a young Kristine anything it would be, “this person is going to be your friend…forever. be kind. don’t be afraid. it will all come back around someday”

Sometimes it’s ‘ Once upon a time…”.  Sometimes it’s “Happily Ever After”.  Sometimes you get lucky and you get both.

 

 

New word…

Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random

I was lollygagging around the shop and heard one of the guys mutter, ‘cock-sucker’.  I starting laughing and swore that I was totally going to put that word back into my daily vocabulary.
He kept coming up to me during the day to ask if I had used my word yet and I said, ‘nope…I will though.’
At the end of the day all four guys had their head shoved in the hood of this old car trying to figure out what was wrong with it. I pushed my way in and looked at the engine and then around at the guys and said, “So what’s wrong with this cock sucker?”
They lost it! I totally got a high five for that one.

On Wednesday I learned what a serpentine belt is and what they look like right before they come off and destroy a bunch of stuff.  Thursday I learned what a freeze plug was.  Who knows what I will learn today.  I’m hoping that I will be taught how to change the oil in my car soon.  It just gets too busy and I get about 4 minutes into a lesson and then I am pulled away with something that is so important that my boss FINALLY remembers my name (he calls me, ‘what’s her name’ or ‘the girl’) and yells it across the shop.
Today I am bringing in tri-tip and potato salad.  It’s going to be a pain the arse trying to make it there, but it’s so good when it’s fresh.  Friday Pot Luck will start off with a bang! :)

Soooo, it’s Friday.  That means tomorrow is Saturday and I get to take my trip I planned last month. A WHOLE MONTH AGO! That is SO unlike me! When I am going through something, my ‘do it now!’ gene kicks in, but this time I planned it out and I am SO happy I did.  It gave me something to look forward to.   It’s only one day and night, but that’s perfect.  I’m so ready to get in the car and go for a road trip and laugh. and laugh. and laugh.

Next weekend is OkaCup and I said I was going to go, but as it nears I have added a bunch of other things I want to do.  Victoria and I are going on a trail run early in the morning.  It’s going to day 5 on my program and like week 7 on hers.  She cheated though. Maybe I will a little too. I hate the 2 on 4 off…I want to keep going!!!
THEN DISNEYLAND!  Kara is flying into LAX and we are going to pick her up there.  She’s convinced she will see a celebrity.

My life is right about to spin off and I am scared shitless about a few things, but hopeful about a few more.
I do know this…I am happy, hopeful and ready to begin again.

spoilers darling…spoilers.

Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random

It’s 6am. I’ve been wide awake for the last hour catching up on some letter writing, chatting with my best friend before she heads off to work and thinking about my life.

I keep thinking that I should be mourning the loss of the relationship that just ended, but instead I am feeling really happy.   Maybe I was mourning that loss towards the end and that is why it is so easy for me to move forward.  I’ve already done my grieving.
Some days I give myself ten minutes to still be angry.  Not at the final moments, but the conversation that followed afterward.  As I was sitting there in shock, he gets a text from his ex-wife at 2 or 3 in the morning.  I’m all, “REALLY? you already told her? it’s been 5 minutes!” He said “I just said, ‘ I have become you.’  ”
Now this is where I have issues in the past.  If your world just come crashing in, by your own doing and you text your ex wife before you even say you’re sorry to the person you just crushed….doesn’t that right there speaks volumes? It kind of does. It kinda makes my argument pretty valid.
Now that the full picture is in front of me and I know that the  married woman he cheated on me with comes over to ‘hang out’ ….I have to say, he didn’t become his ex-wife…he became the guy she had an affair with.

It takes me a few times to get a life lesson, but this last one. I got it now. It’s a mistake I will not make again.

This last month has been refreshing.  I get up at 6am every morning and I get ready to go to work with the greatest people.  Seriously, my boss is one of the last men in the world that is honest and fair.  Yes, he has a few (and by few I mean A LOT) to say about how much he hates the prez and the political arena and he is so politically incorrect that it’s like spending the day with my dad.
The other week, he drove a customer’s car home and I watched him sit in the living room and talk to this 80 year old woman and ask her about her family (he remembers everything!) WHO DOES THAT?  What mechanic will drive your car home?
He’s the best boss I have ever had.  People come in and tell me great stories about how long they have been coming there.  THIS job has been my saving grace and has brought me more happiness than ANY other place I have ever worked.
We all have our place in the shop.  They laugh at how well I blended in with 4 very different people.  A customer was there when I was handing out their vitamins for the day and she giggled at the absurdity of it. Yes, I make sure they take their vitamins!

Being happy during the day has been the best medicine.  A lot of that is because of my friends too.  They are so supportive of the direction I am moving.
I don’t call him my ‘friend’…I call him my ‘person’.  Aaron.  I feel so sorry for the poor kid.  I kept it all in until I couldn’t anymore and I called him, bawling, trying to tell him I needed a coffee.
He’s young, he’s NEVER seen me lose it and I am certain he was absolutely clueless as to how to handle the situation…but he stepped up and brought me TWO coffees.  Since that day, that 5 minutes we haven’t said another word about it. He didn’t ask the details. He was just there to listen and watch me shake my head.  A month later and he still doesn’t know the details of what happened and doesn’t care, He just knows that I am happy now.   That’s a person. That’s MY person. The person I will call if I need a body buried in hurry.
My hockey friends…holy shit. So amazing.  The prayers, the calls, the texts, the lunches.  I’m going to be a better friend to everyone for this.  Collectively they have shown me so much love and acceptance.  I know that when I do move forward into a new relationship, they will be happy for me because they love me and want me to be loved.  Wow, they will get to see what I am like HAPPY!

I’m not letting this or the one before it stop me from being hopeful that there is something out there for me.   I’m absolutely CERTAIN of it.  I’m not closing off my heart. I’m not bitter. I’m not angry. I am not anything but hopeful and happy.  That is the good stuff right there.

 

Oh Happyyyy Dayyyy….

Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random

I am so sore!  I shot a wedding yesterday with a 70-200 F/2.8 and my arms…are….sooooo…hurty. I was right, that is too much glass for me.  On a different note. I loved it.  It’s not my lens, it’s Dan’s, but it technically partially mine because I was the one who talked him into it.  SUCKER.  I had two camera’s going with the black rapid strap I got for Christmas and the other on the one that Lester had made for me.  His strap was so much better.

I’m so happy right now with the direction of my life.  When they say that God closes a door for a reason they weren’t kidding.
I knew that from the beginning that I was going to have to forgive to be able to move forward and able to see the good that was coming.  The only way I was going to get through it was to let go of all that I have been resisting and just find my faith again.  I prayed, “Dear God, take that image and replace it with something beautiful.”  Instantly I had an image of a path with a stack of rocks.  When running that is the path you want to be on and it means you are going the right direction.  So whenever I had that nasty image invade my brain and want to eat me alive, I INSTANTLY remembered, “i’m on a path, i’m on the right path, this is where I need to be.”  and I had faith in God that he would give me something else and he did.   I made it through that part.
Yesterday I had a great day surrounded by people in love.  People ready to pledge the rest of their life to someone else.  To become one with another person.
I should have been a little bit bitter, but I wasn’t.
At one point I checked my phone and I had a bunch of messages from friends telling me they loved me and asking me how my day was going.  My friend Victoria was giving me airport / plane / landed texts.

On the way home I had a friend call me and I swear I almost cried when he asked, “How was your day? Tell me about it…”
I have been waiting for someone to ask me that question for a long time.

My Day was awesome…thanks for asking.

Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random

Yesterday was crazy.

I went to the house to pick up a few things.  It’s hard being there. I look around and see the life I will no longer have.  Then I see him and I miss him. I mean, I miss the us. The good times when he would want to be fun and would allow it.  I let my mood be dictated on how his day was going or how he treated me.   I do miss the times when we would laugh. I use to do that a lot more.

Work went quick because I had to leave at noon to pick up my niece from the airport and then I had a dentist appointment.
I got back an hour before we closed and did all the close out invoicing for the day.

Sez and I went to dinner and to the casino. It was so much fun. We both walked out winners.  I can’t remember the last time I was even in that casino!

I got a great text during dinner letting me know that things had gone well, but not as well as expected.  This is going to sound fucked up, but I am so glad it didn’t go TOO well.
This gives me an opportunity to put my foot and the door and show what I can do.

I got a phone call later that night from my old friend and I laughed for what felt like an hour straight. It’s been like that a lot with me.  People have been coming into my life and I can feel that part of me coming back. That very social, sweet, caring and FUNNY person.
We talked up until 11pm about stupid things and people we use to know.  For the most part, I thought my memory was pretty good, but it’s not until you’re talking to people you knew when you were a kid that you start remembering the small details.
He mentioned a friend that I forgot we even had and I was shocked that my memory could completely erase someone I had known for that long, completely out.   I was reminded of the long summers on the dock of Woodridge/Truetts lake.
We promised each other that we would go back to Shingletown and visit the old haunts.  How strange of a trip will that be?  He wants to see his father’s memorial bridge.  That one will be hard for both of us.  I can’t remember crying so hard for another person’s pain.  That funeral was the hardest one to go to.  A police officer.  I saw him there after years of radio silence and he hugged me with such intensity.  I wouldn’t have guessed I would see him almost a year later when his 23 year old sister died.   Things like that shouldn’t happen to a kid.
I’m glad we talk again though.

 

*sigh*

Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random

So I am waiting on a phone call that might change the way things have been moving forward in my life.
I know that I have zero control of this next step I am taking, and I have to trust that if that door closes, I can’t let it derail me. I’ve been asking for doors to open and close to make sure I stay on the right path, but fuck this one…I want this one open.
One day I will understand, but for now I am baffled at the way things happen.

I just don’t want to wait another 22 years for an answer. *sigh*

Don’t Blink…whatever you do, don’t blink

Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random

https://www.flickr.com/photos/obnoxiousaries/13202147874/

People say it all the time. Life can change in the blink of an eye. Deep down I knew that, but usually it’s a long blink for me. This time, it was a blink.
All excuses I had used to stay were taken away and I was forced to stop making excuses for myself…and for him.
It was a long time coming, this blink. We both knew it was long over, but for some reason we kept going as if something would happen that would make everything make sense. There is no making sense of it though. It was it was, until it wasn’t anymore.

I decided to get through this as gracefully as possible and with that I forgave instantly. I didn’t want that bitterness dragging me through a fire i didn’t need to go through.
I surrounded myself with the most amazing people and I told every single one of them that they need to surround him with love and support as well. I hope only the best for him, his loved ones and our friends.
I only have love for him, no hate, no bitterness, no anger. Only love.
Doesn’t mean that I forget, and trust me…out of all the shit-crap things that have I seen, that one is the worse and I WISH I could forget. When the images pop into my head I imagine this beautiful new path with a rock tower showing me that I am going the right direction. I am too. I’m on a new adventure and the best part of those is the unknown.

I’m not afraid. I’m more hopeful today that I have been in as many years as I can remember.

Forgiveness feels AMAZING.

gut feeling.

Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
SOOC by Random and Odd
SOOC, a photo by Random and Odd on Flickr.

I know that things happen for a reason and I am the first to get pissed that they do.

I don’t know what tomorrow brings, but I swear to God that all the shit that has happened to me in the past better fucking be for a reason and a damn good one too.

offering up my heart.

Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random
Cold Sisters Cuddle by Random and Odd
Cold Sisters Cuddle, a photo by Random and Odd on Flickr.

Last week on my monthly trip to Ikea, Dan was rambling about how he was going to do this thing where he hooks up his old phone to speakers and streams Pandora. I didn’t understand how that would work because those phones are not activated. He said they didn’t have to be, as long as I had WiFi to run them on, they still work, just not the calling option.
Really now?
I have never kept an old phone before because it usually had Tide detergent filled water seeping from the cracks. The last one that had to be retired was because of a cracked screen. It’s still functional, but the tiny flakes of glass in my finger was reason enough to bite the bullet and buy a new one.
I pulled the finger slicer out of the old phone drawer and charged it up. I had to redownload Pandora and I was questioning this plan the whole time. It works! Now I can listen to music while I edit photos without it being all choppy and slowing my computer down to a snail’s pace!

Pandora is my new favorite thing. Shut up, I know I am late to the game. The last time I used it was when it first came out and they had commercials every other song and the amount of music was very limited. Recently I have been on this weird music kick. I don’t know what you would call the genre of music that it falls under, but it’s not the stuff you hear on the radio and at 41 years old, it feels like I have heard every single song on the radio and I need something else.
I’m a 15 year old that suddenly decided to quit the cheerleading team and only listens to underground music and rolls her black eyelined eyes at everything.

Last week was one of those weeks where I buried myself in my office to edit pictures with a vengeance. I had about 7 client’s proofs on deck and had 2 more sneaking in before Christmas and with Kara coming home, they couldn’t wait. Pandora felt my pain and stepped up to provide me with that mix of music that had me smiling and sometimes even crying. I mean, I was bawling at Passenger’s – Let her Go. Rosenburg with that haunting, British-folky sound gets me every single time. That last line…oh my lawdy my heart just breaks.
I have been writing down all the music that I love so at some point when I have a second I can download it and make a CD that I will never remove from my car.
One of my clients and friends came over to go over his pictures and he laughed at my broken phone set up and questioned my musical choices. He said, “This actually fits the weird mood you have been in the last week.”
Music is so revealing. I hadn’t talked to him about anything I have been going through because he’s a part of our BFF group and I didn’t want to talk about it to one person and then have to deal with it from anyone else later. I’m lucky enough to have pockets of friends that I can lean into and it won’t overlap with the other pocket. It does sometimes, with the photography club, running team, hockey team, skydiving team…they all intermingle now and I NEVER saw that happening. I’m happy though because I have the greatest friends and they are good for each other. Anyway, I was surprised he picked up on my mood.
“I’m good now. I’m better than good.” I’m on a different road and I have to switch the way I have been thinking for the last four years. It’s scary, but I am ready.

The past week the Pandora has been honed with the thumbs up, thumbs down and it even knows what time of day what I want to hear! At night it’s that folky sound. During the day it’s Warren Haynes grit. Sometimes she slips in some country and I can be heard belting out, “Follow your Arrow” by Kasey Musgraves.
I blame this new music interest on Carson Daily…he got me hooked on Joshua James which has opened up so much more music I wouldn’t have normally listened to.

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