ugh!

Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random

Pathetic. I know.

So I have been tracking my food on my fitness pal app and I started to really see what I was eating. I reversed that type of eating and I went too far.
I started with a protein shake for breakfast, a salad for lunch and something low carb for dinner.
I was averaging about 1700 calories a day.
After a month I started getting lazy and went to 2 shakes a day. Now with the break up…i’m at 3 a day and nothing else. I swear to GOD, I want to eat…I even tried to eat breakfast this morning and it tasted SO sugary. When did sausage start tasting like a spoonful of sugar?
I’m at 500 calories a day and it’s just stupid. I know this and I hate it.
Food just doesn’t taste good.

Ugh. I will get through this.

Hate isn’t sustainable.

Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random

Years ago I went through a stint of watching a television show called “Hoarders”. I was in a unhappy relationship where I felt I was giving my all and not getting the same love in return. On this one episode it was of a very large woman living in a small home packed with things that gave her comfort. Her collections of stuffed animals and other knick nacks. The home was nearly impossible to navigate through and the kitchen was packed with so many things that the only thing that would work to make food, that could be accessed, was the toaster oven.
In this episode they interviewed the boyfriend of this woman. He was a good looking man, had a home that was clutter free, but he spent his time with her, struggling to get through the madness of her home so he could heat her up some food or just spend time with her. They asked him why he put up with it, he said…”Because I love her.”
While watching this episode I was shaking my head and saying to myself, “Why are you doing this, you idiot? This is YOUR one life you get and you’re wasting it on someone who is clearly sick. You could be doing so much and you’re here in this FILTH of an existence. Get away from the sickness and maybe you’ll see how she’s dragging you down into her pit of hell!”
Then he said he loved her and I was all, “Oh for the love of Christ. I am healthy, of fairly good looks, I am talented and loving and I DON’T LIVE IN FILTH!…why can’t someone love me like that?”

A few years later I was given that kind of love and I couldn’t believe I could be so lucky. Someone truly loved me.
On a photo shoot in L.A. I had a meltdown of sorts. I had been battling my 19 year anxiety disorder and had it mostly under control when all the sudden the anxiety turned into a depression I had not experienced for a very long time. I hid it until I got home and then and then I was unable to cope with any situation from everyday life. Everything was, “just too much. i can’t. i just can’t keep doing this.” The simplest of tasks made me so fearful that I would lock up and lay down, waiting for the nausea and hammering heart to subside. It felt like it never quite did.
It was soon after that I knew that I had to get on medication, talk to someone and hopefully get some kind of handle on what was going on with me.
I was working on the first month of medication when I started to slowly feel a shift, but that first month was trial and error of trying to get a handle on what time to take each medication so I wouldn’t wake up a zombie the next day. I was informed I should take it at bedtime. For someone who has insomnia I had to guess as to what time normal people went to sleep and I took it at 10pm. Zombie. The two weeks was trying to pinpoint the exact time to take it. Of course, by the time I figured it out, my body was use to the medication and I was constantly altering the time. It was a struggle with just that one aspect of the medication, the next came when I realized I had absolutely no interest in spending time with anyone, talking to anyone, I became very disconnected. I have interest and hobbies. I love to hike and take photos. The thought of leaving my house was so overwhelming that I didn’t do any of these things unless I was forced.
Work was a daily challenge. On a day to day basis I am unsure as to what kind of day I am walking into. It was my job to be certain that everyone always stayed calmed and if they didn’t, I did, so I could lead them through the chaos until it was over. All the while with a fake smile answering the phones and dealing with customers. By the time I got home through traffic I was mentally and physically exhausted. Yes, I was making it through the day without the thought of hoping my next breath was my last…but just to function. If I could get through the day without mentally shutting down it was a success and that is really all I was doing. A zombie with a smile.

This brings me back around to the episode of “Hoarders” where I was pissed at the guy for sticking around through her sickness. His one life.
This wonderful person I was blessed with, he spent countless days trying to find what it would take for me to be the happy person he was with when we got together. Bending over backwards to make me genuinely smile. The thing is, there was nothing I could do that could bring her back unless I went off the medication and got it out of my system. If I did that I risked being back in the dark place I was two months ago. Scared I wasn’t going to see my daughter graduate or the day they got married.
He would have stayed. He would have spent as long as it took for me to get back to the fun girl who tickle him and lay on the couch and watch stupid tv shows. I couldn’t do that to him. It wasn’t just him, I shut everyone out. My sister, my best friend, my family. If I had my wish, it would to just sit alone in my apartment in silence and stare out the window. Finally understanding why mental patients did that. It’s calming. You’re safe in there…you don’t have to communicate and try to pretend that you’re okay.
I could see how my illness was draining him too. It’s frustrating when you’re trying to do everything to get someone to want to live, to laugh, to talk…to be in love; to be normal…..and they don’t respond at all. He would have spent all this time trying to save my life when I wasn’t trying to save my own.

He hates me now. I understand all the things he’s going through. I broke up with him to set him free from all this, and also selfishly because it was breaking my heart to see him so sad. It was like looking at my failure in the face and seeing what I was doing to another human being. I couldn’t get well fast enough for him and I don’t know how long it will be until I am okay again.
I’m in an 8 week class and round 2 of blood tests. 3 different medications. I have no idea.

Someone said, “Hate isn’t sustainable.” and that is what I keep holding on to. Someday he won’t hate me for the choices I had to make to save my life….and his future.

fermare…to stop.

Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random

stonee

 

 

Whoa. This last month has been incredibly difficult to get through.

When I got back from L.A. from shooting this wedding I fell into this really dark place in my head.
Everything was to overwhelming and I just couldn’t function. I mean, I did function. That is something I have learned I do. Get up and keep going.  There wasn’t a single moment that I wasn’t silently chanting, “i can’t do this anymore. i can’t. it’s all just too much.”   The stress of everything finally caught up with me and it ripped me open and pulled me to this place I hadn’t visited in so very long.
Within days I knew I couldn’t do this alone and I reached out for help from my doctor who basically told me I needed to lose weight and get a grip on my emotions.  (just for the record, asshat…being overweight doesn’t instantly make people depressed.)  I did demand that he send me to a specialist and get blood work done.  This wasn’t my first rodeo with anxiety and depression.  Ugh. I hate that I have to use the word ‘depression’ because that isn’t a word I would ever associate with myself.  There are people in my life that fight that depression battle and what I was feeling doesn’t even come close to what they have to deal with.   This was just a short term thing…or so I kept telling myself.

The specialist couldn’t help me.  She was amazing though. FINALLY someone that might not have suffered what I was going through, but was sympathetic to where I was.  As we finishing up our eval she sat back in her chair and said, “That was the first time in all the years that I have felt like I actually was talking to someone that wasn’t just here to get drugs.”  It’s sad that she said that, but I know what kind of society we live in and for those of that need help can’t get it because of the abuse.   She spent the next 20 minutes trying to locate someone that could help me and wrote my doctor a letter.  Despite the letter, he refused to help.
I hate our health care system.

I’ve gotten back to hiking and during those times I seem to be able to get back to where I need to be.  I got the new Garmin Vivoactive. It’s alright. There are some strange quarks that I need to figure out before the next outing.
I have tiny little wrists and it’s taking some getting use to having it on all the time.

This weekend is Western States 100 mile endurance run. I’m volunteering again this year.  It will be weird not being at Foresthill, but I am glad I am getting the opportunity to get back out there and do this again!

I’m still working on my next installment of “SELF”.   I have been thinking about it a lot lately and more aware of when someone uses the word ‘self’ or when I say “My” or “Myself”.  It’s helping me through this place I am still in.

-K

Cognosco…I recognize.

Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random

I was on my way home from work one day and I had my Pandora set to a comedy station because Lord knows that I need a little comedy after some of the days I have there.

The skit started out like a self help workshop delivered in a high pitch emphatic tone and before I had a chance to change the channel, I heard something that resonated so deep in my soul I had to quickly pull over to find the name of the comedian.  Katt Williams.  I had never heard of him, but when he was talking about women saying “You messed up my self esteem…” and his response was “Bitch it’s called SELF ESTEEM! It’s the esteem of ya Mutha Fuckin Self Bitch… How did I fuck up how YOU feel about YOU?”   instead of laughing, it was an AH-HA moment for me.

It was then I started the dissecting of the words associated with the word SELF.

It was time to start analyzing and examining the words I put with SELF.   Self is ME and the person I am.  What words in the past had I used without any thought to ownership?

My esteem is what I feel about myself.  Be it a high or low esteem should be based on no one’s assessment of me…it’s not their esteem to assess. It’s mine. It’s my very own sense of worth.

 

I decided that I will start researching the word “SELF” and what it really means and begin listening to words that I put with it.
It was during a hike with a friend when she said something about “Self Hate” and I thought about those two words separate from each other.  Self…me.  Hate..the ugliest word in our vocabulary.  Why would I want to put those two words together?
Nearly every single day when I open up Facebook I read some inspirational quote about one thing or another.  “Be careful how you talk to yourself. You’re listening.”  I’m probably guilty of sharing this one at some point in the last 6 years.   This was the first time though that I really thought about it.

So this starts a series of writing about Point A (where I am) to Point B (the place I am on my way to)  and this journey to get me there. It starts with not assigning anyone with the ownership of my esteem.  It will journey through the extradition of blame that I had assigned to people in my past with the destruction. It will show me better ways to talk to myself and even more important how I LISTEN to myself.
Hopefully through this I will stop throwing around words that have no right being paired together.

 

Well that didn’t work…

Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random

So I deactivated my FB, but my friend Tammy sent me a snapshot 72 hours after I deactivated and it’s still there.  She posted pictures of Alyx and I wanted to see them full screen.  I logged back in long enough to check my messages and leave a comment on the photos.  I deleted the App from my phone and no longer will get notifications.

I only have 2 to 3k more pictures to cull through. It’s such a process. I will be SO happy when they are done.  Today is going to be one of those days where i bring my laptop into work and cull through some of them during my lunch break.

It’s raining and cold.  It fits me today.

Lame Ass Easter

Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random

I spent the day in my apartment cleaning and working on pictures.  My lunch and dinner where Ikea meatballs. Yes, I know it sounds pathetic, but I think it was exactly what I needed.
The fish tank is moved out and I am going to take it to Goodwill on my next day off, which according to the calendar is in October.  The boys are now in their separate non-noisy fish tanks and they are much happier.  Bigger doesn’t always mean better, especially for two Betta fish.

Work was busy, I am trying to stay super busy during work so I don’t think about going outside and having a smoke. It’s such a hard habit to break. Get bored, go smoke.   Today I spent an hour listening to dirty jokes from a customer. The best part is that he looked like he was in pain telling me dirty jokes, but he just had to tell me.   I had to call him ten minutes after he left to get information on his car and he said, “Oh I was hoping you were calling to tell ME a joke.”  I love our customers.

Alyx is in Redding getting her senior portraits done. The sneak peeks are adorable.  Some will ask, “Why don’t you do them?”  I would rather pay someone money than take my own kids pictures…YES, we have come that far.  She acts totally different for other photographers, especially Tammy and I am grateful that someone else is doing them.  Tammy sent me the pictures to my phone because she knows i’m not on FB anymore.   Oh yeah, it’s going actually rather well not being online unless I am looking something up or writing here.  Well, and pintrest…cause those trailer pictures are not going to pin themselves.

 

Meh. I am ready to call it a day. It’s weird coming home and not having anyone to talk to or anything really to look forward to. Not knowing when someone is working and if you’re going to be waken up with kisses in the middle of the night when he gets home.   I will somewhere find a silver lining. Right now…I just really want a cig and an hour of candy crush….neither of which I can have.  I guess I will nap and then stay up until 1 am working on pictures.

I know, jealous of my life aren’t you?

Kristine un-plugged.

Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random

16688283387_558c484513_z

 

I have been kicking around the idea of deactivating my Facebook for quite some time. I almost did it a year ago and I probably should have then.
I need a break from everything and everyone. Things have been feeling a bit overwhelming lately and it’s time for me to find my center.

I had to call my ex on Friday to get some information from him so I could fill out a passport application that ironically I won’t be needing any more. Could have told me THAT before I had to bite the bullet and make that call.  It was so weird to hear his voice on his voicemail. It’s been a lifetime, or at least it feels like it.   He called me back and I asked how he was doing and how the family was.  Neither one of us could remember our wedding date.  We were two people that shouldn’t have ever gotten married. The thing is, I KNEW IT before I did it too.  Idiot.  Anyway, I swear it sounded like I was interrupting his suicide.  I guess talking to me has that effect on exes.  I actually do hope he is happy. What happened, happened. Water under the bridge.

Things with me have been boiling under the surface. Anyone that really knows me saw this coming a long way off. Sad thing, most people don’t know me.   It was time for me to delete some phone numbers, delete facebook and head out to the dropzone.  It’s weird, right before a huge shift in my life I go there. Today was no different.  My life shifted and I came home to emptiness.   In typical Kristine fashion I rearranged the holes and filled them up with other things. I think that’s going to be a metaphor  for my life.  In a month or two I’ll find my footing and begin my phoenix like transformation into a new life that I am uncomfortable with and that scares the living shit out of me, but makes me stronger in the long run.

I had this odd conversation with Dan on the way to the DZ. We were talking about stupid shit like the cosmos and religion.  After we are gone, we are actually just poof. gone.  We are so tiny in this big galaxy of a million galaxies we can’t even see or fathom.  Then I was talking to Victoria and we were talking about death.  We both are in agreement that hopefully we don’t make it past 60.  Not going to lie, sounds good to me.  I’d only have 17 more years of this dumb ass bullshit.  Yes, I’d like to see my grandkids, but I honestly think that the stories my kids could tell them would surpass anything I could actually achieve.  Dan said he wanted to live forever.  I am ready whenever God, the cosmos, a semi truck want to take me.  No, i’m not suicidal, I am just seeing a side to old age that I am not too thrilled about and if it’s something I will put my kids through, 60 is a good jumping off pad.

With that being said, I won’t ever see anything outside of the United States so I better enjoy the places I can see around here. Find new places to find my center.

I deactivated Facebook. I guess it’s an act of congress to actually DELETE Facebook.  It will reactivate in 28 days automatically if I want it to or not. So odd.
So now I am on this weird version of my Spotify because once I deactivated FB, I have to make new sign in and none of my playlists are on there.  Probably good, I would have been tempted to listen to “This” soundtrack and get all sad and shit.  Instead I am listening to classical music now.  Don’t get me started on Candy crush. 28 days without it. I think I will live, but I can’t  play it because it won’t auto advance to my spot if I am not logged in.  28 days of staying unplugged and focusing on me, my writing, my photos.  Maybe I will do it.

My friend, Lisa said today it was time to take flight and I said I wasn’t ready, but soon.  She wants me to find a balance in my life and I do too.  I guess sometimes you don’t get to decide to take flight, sometimes you’re pushed into having to fly and today I was pushed.  Time to fly I guess.

Oh happy day….or something like that.

Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random

shea

It’s been a busy week.  In the middle of editing photos I had Shea’s prom I needed to get ready for.  Luckily her Dad stepped in on the day of and took her to get her hair and make up done.  She’s getting better at not being such a brat when it comes to stuff like this, but if you were to ask her sister, Alyx she would highly disagree.  I’ve found that just throwing money at the situation seems to do the trick on my end.
She looked beautiful. She is such a stunning young lady.   Her boyfriend, Jeremy was awesome too. He showed up on time and I got to get some of just him. They make an adorable couple and they compliment each other’s personalty.

 

 

wedding

 
This was one fun wedding, but OH SO EXHAUSTING.   This was an all day affair. Up in the morning to get the opening of the wedding gift all the way to the last round at the pub by the hotel they were staying at after the wedding was over.

So today is my birthday and this is the first time in forever that I honestly don’t give a shit.  I use to know someone that when their birthday would come around I would make a big deal out of it and they would say, “It’s just another day.” and I thought how sad and depressing that was because it’s not just another day, it’s the day you were born and that should be a special day.   I get it…it’s just another day this year.
I ‘hid’ my birthday on FB because I don’t want to deal with the people that are only coming by to say HBD because FB reminded them to.  Even I won’t leave a birthday wish on people’s page if we never talk.
So today is just another Tuesday in the books.

I am getting my  nails done and a massage tonight so that will be my celebration to myself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

just broken

Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random

after a few days of trying to hold it together i am ready to just let it all go.

It’s not something we talk about because…it’s just not what we do.  Everyone thinks I ‘overshare’ or I am some extrovert but the truth is, I was raised in a family with alcoholics and we are fiercely private about our lives.  Living in a small town growing up you know not to open your mouth and tell anyone your secrets.

holding it together is getting a little bit harder ever single day though.

We don’t let people see our weaknesses either. We never ask for help because that usually just comes back to haunt us…which it has twice in the past week.  I ask for advice and that information gets spread to someone who has a huge fucking mouth and is now spreading MY family secrets to people that have no right knowing.  The other time I ask for help…to be held after something very traumatic and It gets turned around on me that I should have known what I was getting into.  Never again will I ask for help.  Never again will someone see me weak and scared.

i’m holding it together for my kids. for my brothers and sister who are fighting this battle along side of me. the difference…they have someone they can turn to and cry and tell their secret fears and know their secret is safe.   me though…i’m holding this one in all by myself.  NO ONE will see these tears.
with every phone call and update I hold it together.  In the quiet hours I have to myself I don’t let my mind wander to the past when things were alright and we all use to laugh and think about what the future has in store for us…but sometimes it does and It takes my breath away and I weep.

 

I’m holding it together.

Her gift…

Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random

11

 

 

My friend, Jen had a new granddaughter last week and I was so eager to get photos for her.  I didn’t want to nag her, “Hurry…they are only this tiny for a short amount of time.”  so I waited.  I texted her on Friday to find out what was going on. Their new grand daughter had spent her 1 week birthday in the NICU. That is when she told me that she had a metabolic genetic condition and they would have to remove her from life support.  My heart was broken for Jen, her daughter and her new husband.  For months I had followed the journey of getting married and her pregnancy.  The absolute love and joy of watching her daughter go through all these beautiful things made me so happy to be her friend.  She’s the example of how much a mother should love her daughter.
On Sunday they called to see if I could capture some pictures for them.  Without hesitation I said yes.  Afterward I thought back to a foundation that provides this kind of service for the hospitals and I looked it up.  It would be hard to do this, but this was for a friend and I was the one they trusted to do this.  I could do this. I could be professional and hold it together. So I thought.
I was doing alright until I saw Jen’s husband.  This man played hockey with my exboyfriend so I know him from that part of his life.  He was always the guy with a smile and a hug.  Strong and sweet.  This day he was quiet and blank.  I wrapped my arms around him and my heart broke again.
We all know that the woman is the strong one in the relationship, but what makes her strong is that love of her husband.  I knew my day was going to be much harder than I had expected.

This was uncharted territory for me. I shoot weddings.  I see people on what they think is the best day of their lives. I chase crazy brides and i’m the time keeper.  I know where to be, where to stand, what direction to give.  My eye catches the tags in a dress, stray hairs and distracting back grounds. I capture the first moments of a life time together.  Today I was capturing the last.

I began getting shots of baby Clara as she was still on the breathing tubes and then waited until they removed all of them. I soon realized that this was going to be a candid photo shoot.  My time there would be spent capturing this time for them.

For two hours I watched the most beautiful show of support and love I have ever witnessed in my entire life.  Both parents surrounded by their parents.  The way people move and touch during a time of sadness is so profound.  People reach for a hand to hold and an shoulder to sink into.  Others reach out and touch. Small movements in the exact moments that they are needed.
I watched Jen’s husband gently reach out to support his wife as she had her head on her daughter’s shoulder.  Was it to comfort her or to give him support?  I don’t know, but I cried watching this happen over and over with 3 different husbands and wives.   I observed the way they could all just look at each other and speak without speaking.  They were all in different places of pain, yet they all could be strong for each other.  Even just writing this makes me cry.   Yes, it was horribly sad and yet the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. This little girl has no idea the world she changed in the small amount of time she was here.
She made a strong family stronger and they will set the world on fire with a foundation to bring awareness to this genetic disease so no other family has to go through this.

There was no question as to why I was with my ex for the time we were together.  After a break up most people will say, “WHY!!?? Why was this person in my life?!”  I am grateful for that time because it brought me to the exact moment I was on Sunday.  Without having known him, I wouldn’t have been where I was to provide the only gift I have in this world; photography.

I will keep you posted on the foundation as it starts its journey into this crazy world.

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