went online to see if i could find a video from 2005. thought it might be on my vimeo or my youtube. not there. i even checked tyler’s youtube. nope.
maybe it was here.
i had to read through a few posts.
THANK YOU GOD i am not that person anymore. the anxiety parts of my life are manageable. the toxin has been purged. i am so much happier.
it’s just so strange so many of those years, i saw it…i even wrote about it. why didn’t i save myself?
i will NEVER be that scared again. ever.
Elevation Gain:1,288 ft Elevation Loss:1,298 ft MinElevation:541 ft MaxElevation:1,208 ft
I got my Garmin up and running and have been playing with it non-stop. Last week when Tabitha blew her calf out I got home and uploaded the information. It laughed at me.
Today I got to take it out again and I got all the settings on it ALMOST perfect. It was a great start of the hike/run. We took it slow and then when the rain started coming down in sheets, we picked up the pace.
When I got home and checked all my stats I was over the moon excited that for the first time I beat my goal per mile time!
Tomorrow I start my half marathon training. I love that the program starts me out slow, but I am way past that beginner place, but if I am going to do it right, starting at the beginning is what I am going to do. To be honest, i’m only a smidgen certain I am going to actually do the half. The thing is, it’s on pavement and I loathe running on the pavement. Today was the perfect reminder of that as we were driving up to where we trail run we passed a bunch of people doing a race. Even though it winds through a less urban area, it’s still a bike trail and no matter what direction you look you see buildings and hear cars. Whenever I see people running on the street I actually feel bad for them. Don’t they know that just a little bit up the road there are amazing, muddy, soggy trails with giant hills and a million rocks?
Okay, so that might not sound appealing to everyone, but as soon as my feet hit the mud I get giddy like a little girl.
Since Lester started running with me, I try to hold back the little kid in me. There are times when I want to squeal, “YAYYYYYYYYYY!! LOOK AT WHERE WE ARE? ISN’T THIS BEAUTIFUL!!???” I might have done that a few times today, but he couldn’t hear me because sheets of rain was pelting us for 3 solid miles and he lost his sense of adventure the last time I got him lost and tried to convince him I wasn’t.
I was telling him about a few things and people I had met on the trail. ” I met a lady that ran the Western States 100 mile endurance run! WE WEAR THE SAME SHOES!! I met a guy once with a dog that if he stops running the dog starts barking madly at him to keep him moving. Last week I am pretty certain these two trail runners saw my ass when I was peeing!” Low and behold I saw ALL THREE of the people on the trail again today. The guy with the dog was the most exciting. He stopped to help redirect me in the right direction and the dog started going crazy. “LESTER! THIS IS THE DOG!!”
I know I use the word magical a lot when describing my time out on my trails, but it always seems to fit…well, except the two guys seeing my ass. Not so magical.
On another note, somewhat related, but not really…I got the outline to my book started. Friday night I heard a song on the radio that reminded me of a book I started when I was about 17 years old. The book is since long gone, probably stored somewhere at my dad’s house. It got me to thinking about a book I do want to write and what it’s going to take to get me there. While sitting in the hot tub on Saturday night I got the outline started. The thing is, this is a big year for me. A few different things are going to happen and it’s either going to take the book in one direction, or a different one. I wished on a star for the first time in a million years. I can’t tell you what the wish was, but it was book related.
I also made another big decision. I’ll let you know how that one turns out next month. :)
Hope you all had a great weekend! CLICK HERE to read up on the continuing saga of transitioning from running shoes to barefoot trail runners.
I’m gearing up for my weekend. By gearing up I mean; drinking absurd amount of coffee, watching HGTV, and finally learning how to use the Photoshop program Lester got me for Christmas.
I’ve never used photoshop. I was given Photo Impact a million years ago by my dad and I wasn’t the one who mastered the use of it. I could change a few colors, but I figured if you can’t get the shot you want without the use of photoshop for basic touch up, you suck.
My friend, Tammy has shown me a bunch of really neat things you can do with the program and I have been wanting to give them a shot, but with 5,000 other things to do I just put it on the back burner.
Yesterday I went into the Garmin online program and I set my routes and goals. I am so excited to finally get a chance to use this thing as it was meant to be used…and then it started raining. NO, I am not complaining because I am giddy with excitement because I know that my trails are going to be all soggy and squishy! That is my favorite part of being a trail runner is that moment when you’re in the deep cut and you have to watch every single step you take. That’s usually when Tabitha starts singing the Indiana Jones theme.
I thought that this weekend was my one year, but it’s really the weekend in January and I am going to be out of town. Who knows, maybe I can find a trail out there and get all muddy. Lester asked, “What if it’s raining?” when I mentioned getting out on the trails this weekend. “Then we get wet.”
Run a 5k in 2012 is going well. I haven’t checked, but I think I actually bypassed my goal for 2012, but I don’t want to count yet. I’m just enjoying everyone sharing their stories with me and each other.
My transition to barefoot running is going so slow it’s almost painful. Since the last time I pushed it, I have been taking it even slower. I want to bust out on a trail and see what I can do with them, but I don’t want to hurt myself.
Last weekend I took them out for a quick 5 miles. Lester’s son said after watching me do some rock climbing without slipping at all, “I wish they had them in my size.” I had to laugh because his dad hates the look of them.
Tabitha’s is doing better with her calf. She can now put some pressure on it and isn’t hobbling like she was earlier in the week. I was so worried this was going to take her out of the game for awhile, but she’s been taking it slow too and I think it’s almost time that we get back into the gym and start training for the summer.
I’m doing good. I have been having weird days and I have to remind myself that it’s okay to be weak every now and again. It’s just this uncertainty in my life. There is only one person that can fix it and that’s me, so I am going to take the steps to get more stable.
Well, there are about 3 more cups of coffee with my name on it and If it kicks in and stays kicked in I can find my yoga pants for the class I am about to sign up for! Yep…you hear that right…YOGA.
I don’t watch any of the reality shows like Bachelor or Bachelorette, Real Housewives, Mob Wives… unless Tabitha is over lounging around after a run.
Yesterday we got sucked into Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. I got sucked in because I had been cleaning most of the morning and I needed a break and it was on.
They had these women, who in comparison to some of the shows I have been forced to watched, were somewhat stable.
They are all from sort of famous background, but I had no idea who or what because I don’t subscribe to most of that. If you’re not on my Twitter feed, I had no idea what you’re doing, who you’re married to…
This one woman; older, classy…and well put together with a cool accent was watching this other housewife who was a lot younger, no class and not so put together put her hand around her husband’s shoulder.
It looked harmless enough, but the classy woman came unhinged for a moment.
“Get your hands off my husband.”
I actually cheered for her.
If I have learned anything in my life being on both side of this story, is this…if you want to keep what you have….GET UNHINGED.
We don’t get out too much with other people, but if and when we do and some woman is brave enough to get even a little bit flirty with my man, I will let her know that she can back the fuck right up and kick rocks.
This is mine…and you can’t have it.
“and I was like, KA-POW!”, originally uploaded by Random and Odd.
This weekend I got to take Birdie and Mara out on a hike.
WELL, I got to take them out on a half hike, because shortly after this picture was taken where we were all laughing and joking, Tabitha sprinted up a hill and the shit hit the fan.
We had been walking for about two miles when Tabitha decided to sprint and about 10 feet up this hill, I saw her hit the ground and scream, “Mother Fucker!”. Tabitha doesn’t cuss on hikes (minus the trip we did training hill) and certainly not on Sunday. I thought she fell so I made my way up to her to see her clutching her leg.
“IT POPPED! SOMETHING POPPED!” I thought she broke her leg. She let me know she didn’t and that she did something to the muscle in her calf. Oh shit. Dan took Mara and Birdie over Robie and down trailbed and I hobbled Tabitha back to the car.
Even with the blinding pain she did so good. We stopped at one point and a family came up and a man and his wife offered to piggy back her back to the car. She gracefully declined and we kept on going…slowly. We laughed on the way back to the car more than we have laughed in a long time and with as much pain she was in, I didn’t think that would be possible.
At one point a handsome man, and I mean HAWT guy rides up on a horse and offers to give her a ride back to the car. She declined ever so gracefully and he was off, bewildered why she would decline. I even had to ask her, “Why did you say no! I could have ran behind you!” She shyly stated, “I don’t ride with strangers.” Pointing out, “I’m injured, he knows I can’t run away!!”
But it was part of the joy of her Pixie Dust…good looking men and horses, she happened to get both in one.
We made our way further down the trail and we got her through the roughest part of the trail which is a waterfall in a deep cut in the canyon, shimming down to the waterfall and over the rocks. I managed to get her up the steep hill without even stopping.
This was the second blessing of the trip. I egged her on, “you’re almost there. you got this. we are almost done. keep moving.” and I could hear all the times she had cheered me on when I was certain I couldn’t make it. There was a time when I couldn’t get up that hill without stopping twice. Now I can do it nearly carrying someone. Not only did she learn something about herself, but I learned something about myself…I’m one strong chick.
We walked on, laughing at the fact that we were laughing in such a stupid situation. Then blessing three came running down the trail.
“you okay?” the woman running was wearing a 50 mile endurance wicking shirt and a Western States 100 mile endurance run hat. She was in her 60’s. She was a woman. Sweet baby Jesus, what more could I ask for!? We chatted a bit where I asked her 500 rapid fire question and she answered every one. She headed on the way and I stopped and looked at Tabitha. “OH MY GOD! Seriously? What the fuck!?!” We just laughed at the fact that a handsome man on a horse showed up for her, a WS100 runner showed up for me. I couldn’t even imagine what more her Pixie Dust could provide!
“Okay, since we both got everything we can ask for, I’m just going to fuck with the pixie dust and ask to see like, Elton John and Richard Simmons.”
Yes, it was a fucked up situation, but one of the best trips out on that trail I have had in a whole year.
Dan, Mara and Birdie made their way back around to us and knowing Tabitha was taken care of, I asked if I could please run. I took off down the hill and across No Hands Bridge.
Our time for a 4 mile “hike” was 3 hours. I will PROUDLY clock that time!
my two men., originally uploaded by Random and Odd.
I had a fantastic hike yesterday with Lester and his son. It was another hike I was getting time on my Vibrams. It might not have been the best idea to wear them on a trail I know was too rocky, but I thought I was ready. Today my feet are a little on the tender side and hooooo boy do my legs feel it. It’s crazy how a shoe can make all the difference in using leg muscles you don’t normally use.
Today I am taking out a few friends to do a hike. It’s going to be maybe 8 miles max. It’s the once a month/two months invite people to hike and not kill them with running. I will of course make them run, but it’s really for their own good. ;)
I plan on doing the MLK march down town on Monday. I’ve always wanted to do it, so it should be great!
In an attempt to get my friend Mark off the couch this year I had to incorporate my evil plan with his brothers evil plan.
My plan was to get Mark to run a 5k with me. Simple enough. Well, apparently his brother is a little bit more evil than I am. I had to up the evil level a notch and decided to see if I could Mark to run in an all woman’s half marathon. His brother said he would…with a little more gusto than I thought he was capable of. After all the fanfare it would seem that Mark would run in this wearing all pink, a boa and tiara.
The next day I figured I would be nice to my friend and make it very simple. Half marathon, at night and at the end he can have a metal that glows in the dark. The best part is he doesn’t really have to drive anywhere, it’s in his area.
I will be happy to see these two brothers run together in this half.
During our hike I thought of a bunch of things that Lester and I could do this year and I’m excited to start the planning. It’s going to require a retarded amount of sunblock though.
:)
It is my that time of year that I start reading my favorite piece of writing I have ever read.
Every year I sit down and dedicate an hour or two to really reading it and this year as I read it, I am in a different place than I have ever been while reading it. A few years ago when I read it, it was during Prop 8 and it touched me to read his words and see how he spoke for the people of today and their crisis even though this letter was written in the 60’s about a completely different issue.
Today I am reading “Letter from Birmingham Jail” and I am seeing my life and how, perhaps, it relates on a personal level.
The letter written in 1963 was in response to a letter published in the local paper, though thinly veiled, stating that outsiders(MLK jr) were coming in and causing tension and they felt they were concerned for the community with such words as, “We recognize the natural impatience of people who feel their hopes are slow in being realized.”
MLK jr. replies with a letter that is so well written in response, it makes me cry. I want to know, was it really read?
Ho w many times have I spoke out for my very own needs to have them dismissed and not really heard? Too many times.
I read something that said, “Fair is where you get cotton candy.” This to me at first was humorous, then hurtful. Yes, there are people that say, “that isn’t fair.” And to which I want to say, “That’s life.” What a shallow thing for me to even think. Fair is relative. For me, fair means that each person has a say in how they will be treated. They will get the respect that they have earned.
Look around you, is there someone in your life that has treated you with respect? Have they been understanding and actually listened to you when you spoke your needs? If you have someone in your life that has given you that fairness, count that as the biggest blessing you have been given. Through those actions you learned self esteem and hopefully have been able to give that in return, not only to the person that gave it to you, but those around you.
MLK spoke of tension which led me to focus more directly on my life. In every friendship and relationship there will be tension. For any growth there must be tension and how you deal with that is what is going to make or break the friendship or relationship.
MLK said there are four separate actions that need to be taken. First collect the facts to see if an injustice has been committed.
What he is speaking of is way more profound than anything that I have in my life, but for my purpose I have to think of the situation I am dealing with and because I am a woman…it comes down to my feelings. Is what I am feeling completely irrational? It’s “feelings” so it could go either way. I began with sitting back and thinking about what I feel like when certain actions or words take place and it is more of an annoyance than an injustice. When I sit quietly with myself without the distractions and dig deeper, I listen to what the actions or inactions are really saying to me. Sometimes I will hear “let it go.” And other times I can physically feel how damaging it is to not address it.
The next step is negotiation. Here is where the problem looms for me. I will stand up for myself, but only after allowing myself to get pushed really far. This comes from not wanting confrontation. I don’t talk about it a lot here, but I grew up in an alcoholic family. I am not unfamiliar with yelling, screaming, throwing things and irrational name calling. Please don’t think for a second that my parents do not regret every single negative word and action during those times, because they do and they have changed their lives tenfold and I do not blame anything that happens in my life on my childhood, I am just stating why I feel like I personally don’t like confrontation.
If you have ever heard me fight back with you, loudly or even threaten physical violence then you have tapped into something that not a lot of people will ever see and they should fear it, because I do. That side of me doesn’t come out very often. It’s an ugly side that serves no purpose but to break me.
I’m a negotiator when it comes to finding a fair balance.
For example if I am wearing a perfume that makes you feel sick and you come to me and say, “that choice of perfume is annoying me, it makes me uncomfortable.” I am certain you won’t ever smell it on me again. Now if that is my absolute favorite scent in my collection and I have never had complaints before and only compliments I am going to have to negotiate with that person. I won’t wear it if I know we will be spending time together. This person isn’t asking me to throw my bottle in the trash and never wear it again; they are simply expressing their needs. I can totally respect that and it’s a fair negotiation in my eyes.
Most of the time…it doesn’t go that way with me. I express what I am feeling or need and then I wait to see what route the other person will take. This leads to nothing ever really happening and I have to decide what is important, my needs and feelings or the good of everyone else and their needs. Sadly, I always pick everyone else, because I don’t want to fight…and that is what negotiation to some. It’s a fight where they can see who can get cuss the loudest or say the meanest thing to shut the other person up. For some, negotiation is a way to make the other person feel like they are wrong or irrational.
That leads us into the third step which is self purification. I think this is where through the years the most of the growth I have had has been. It has always felt that bouncing back from situations took longer than I could patiently sit through. Through removing the toxic situations from my life and finding a healthy way to happiness I am able to recover more quickly from a situation I would once be heartbroken over.
During my second marriage I would have the same conversation over and over with my husband. So many times it walked us right into marriage counseling. I am certain he heard me the first time I brought up the situation I had found because we talked for hours and hours about it and how there were things I could tolerate and others I would not stand for. Then it happened again. We talked for hours and hours…well, he mostly talked…I just sat there in complete disbelief that he would do it again after the hours of sitting up into the early morning hours discussing it before. It wouldn’t happen again. It did…and I kept hearing myself say all the things I had said before and somewhere throughout the years I finally stopped talking.
This isn’ t healthy. I finally went all the way back to the very beginning and analyzed how I had gotten to where I was. Answer: I didn’t want to be his ex wife. I wanted to be the cool understanding new wife that was super understanding and show him I wasn’t like his ex. Well, there came a point when I figured out why his ex was like she was. She had been super cool and understanding until she finally sat down with herself and saw that his actions and words were damaging her self esteem. She probably had a conversation with him and expressed herself clearly on her wants and needs. I am almost 100% he listened and said he would respect them. Then he faltered. She had the conversation again. He promised, and broke that promise.
You see, I had gotten to the point where I wasn’t even going to have the conversation anymore and that is when our marriage truly ended. Our marriage ended long before he walked out, it ended when he came home one day and could clearly see that there was something wrong and I had given up on speaking. He sat there and par to ever other conversation it went like this, “You ok?” and I said, “Yep.” No, I wasn’t, but I wasn’t going to say, “hey, guess what I found” one more to that man. He then got mad at me because there was something wrong and I wouldn’t tell him. My thought at that moment was, “I have had this conversation with you a hundred times and if you didn’t hear it the 100 times before, you will never hear it so shut the fuck up and let me figure out how the hell I am going to ‘get over this’ so I can find my own happiness all while making sure our kids aren’t hurting.”
Because of the things that happened in my marriages and even relationships, I have fast tracked myself to self purification and it goes something just like this, “Kristine are you pissed? Yes? Is it for a good reason? Yes? Okay then…have you talked to him/her about it? No? well then you need to sit down and express how you are feeling and see what happens. Oh you did talk to him/her about it and it got turned around back to you? Okay…did you give it a day to simmer down and then you negotiated a reasonable compromise? No, they just pretended it didn’t happen. Okay…here’s the plan of action, GET THE FUCK OUT.”
Yeah, I see how unhealthy it is, but how many more years do I have to waste expressing my needs and feelings to only haven them shoved back at me as if they are irrational?
My time is valuable and there are people that respect that.
So that leads into the last thing MLK jr speaks of. Direct action.
Before I ever go to direct action I re-examine the situation.
1. Did I express myself and needs clearly?
2. Was I heard or was the situation then turned back onto me?
3. Was that action deserved and was your response heard?
4. Is that person willing to negotiate a fair settlement and actually stick to it?
Every year I read that letter from start to finish and each year it brings tears to my eyes to think of how he poured out his heart to be heard, to address the statements and claims that had been made against him and his fellow brothers and sisters. It makes me sad because I know that letter was never truly received by the people intended. I imagine the person picked up the letter, began to read and felt uncomfortable and angered that someone would begin to express how they felt because of an action that they were directly involved with. If it is going to take away from something they hold dear to and they aren’t willing to change or modify then it will anger them.
I’m afraid they read the first few paragraphs, got angry and just skimmed to the end.
Perhaps, they didn’t hear it. I did. I do every single year and this year I with a different heart. With a different focus.
Happiness and success isn’t ever going to meet you were you’re comfortable. I know that time doesn’t heal all, what you choose to do with that time plays a role in it.
Again, my time is precious and valuable and I don’t want to waste another minute of it on people that blame me for their life not turning out the way they thought it should turn out. Guess what? Mine didn’t turn out the way I thought it was going to either. Poor planning on my part, I didn’t know what I wanted, but I sure the fuck know I didn’t want to ever feel like I should be lied to. I sure the fuck didn’t want the person I trusted my children with to destroy everything I fought to get. And I certainly don’t want to be told for fucks sake to knock it off when I express myself.
There are people that will have to be in my life and to them I say show me the respect I have earned. I do not feel guilt for the things that happened in the past. I don’t live there anymore. I forgave myself years ago and I moved on so you can’t use those threats anymore. They do not work on me and they take all that I have worked for and make me feel like you did nothing but use me.
There are people that I want in my life, forever. To those I say, I love you..always will… and I hope you figure out a way to treat me with the respect that I have shown you and earned from you. I hope you see what I want out of what is left of my life isn’t irrational and situations can be negotiated for both people to be happy.
I am so worth that.
Lester finally got to see one of my favorite trails today.
This is the ten miler that can break your spirit if you’re not ready for it. It’s 1200 feet of elevation loss and gain…and his spirit was nicely intact by the time we got back up to the truck.
He did fantastic on the Resolution run and I knew he would do great today.
We went out the other day and he got his Camelbak and some trail mix.
I am so thankful that he is joining me out in my weekend playground and interested in doing some of the runs I have planned for this upcoming year.
At the end of January it will be my hiking and trail running birthday and I am going back to where it all started!
I am heartbroken.
Thank you for all your words, emails and encouragement this last year. You were an amazing couple with thousands of people who have nothing but nice things to say about you and all that you did for them.
Hike 1, originally uploaded by Random and Odd.
I have been a little freaked out over 2012. Since 2011 was such an amazing year for me, I’m afraid that 2012 won’t even compare. Every time I get a little freaked out about it, I remember that 2011 didn’t make itself good, I made it good. The work I put into it was exactly what I got out of it.
The start to this year has been slow. A few things have been already thrown my way and my anxiety level has been through the roof. Again, I am the only one that can fix them, but the desire to hide under the covers has been stronger than my desire to get outside and fix it.
On the first of the year, Lester ran his first 5k. He did so much better than I could have ever imagined. I’m still trying to figure out how I got him to agree to do the 5k, but I am 100% certain it didn’t involve a tattoo. Joking with him I said, “You run a marathon with me and I will get another tattoo.” Now this is one I am certain he can’t hold me to!
On Sunday morning we headed up to where I do the majority of my trail runs and hiking. I usually fill up my camelbak up all the way for a whole day hike, so I only filled it up half way for a short 3 miler. This turned out to be a mistake as I ran out of water only a mile in. Forgetting to calculate in the 3 glasses of wine I had the night before was stupid as I was much thirstier than I had thought I would be.
The director of the race didn’t have any portapotties and we were reduced to 1 bathroom with 3 toilets which only one worked. I got back to the starting line right as the race was starting. We took off in a fast paced walk and then picked up to a slow jog. As we were still on the highway part of the run, I was passed by a man running with a horse. Only in Auburn would you see this.
The downhill grade was ridiculous and not what either one of us had planned for. A mile downhill should have been an indicator that we would be running uphill at a similar grade.
The day before we had gone on a small hike where I wore my Vibrams to get my leg muscles conditioned for further running in them. I was almost certain we wouldn’t be doing any running because Lester had just gotten his shoes and we also brought his 6 year old son. I was wrong. Lester and his son took off and I took it slow watching in awe as they were enjoying their time outside.
Again, this little hike/run would play a part in the pain I would be in by the time we hit the uphill slop in the race. I did okay the first couple of hills because I was stretching out the calf muscles by making long strides. Lester seemed eager to take on the hills and I told him to run ahead and that I would catch up, maybe, probably not.
The trail flattened out a little bit and I stopped for a few seconds to do some serious stretching. My calf muscles were screaming at me, but I pushed on to the next hill. Somewhere near mile two a long hill with a flat surface at the top showed itself and I decided to sprint up it. I did and when I reached the top my calf decided it was done. The only sensation I can compare it to is being hit in the back of the leg with a orange that had been heated to lava degree in the microwave.
Fearing being pulled from the race for limping, I did my best to get through it and took it very slow.
At the very end of the race where you come up out of the canyon I saw Lester walking towards me. Yay, I was almost done.
“Hand me your camelbak.” He took it from me and handed me his bottle of water, “You want to run it in?” All I could think was running it in to the aid station. I got through it and never located the aid station. Using the cold sidewalk to ice my leg was the best that I could do.
My time has never been important to me, but crossing the line and seeing 1:05 I was a little peeved, but in that same second I was proud of Lester because that means his time was going to be so much better.
I tried to explain to him that if he did a conventional 5k without those massive hills, his time would have blown him away. He was happy with the hills though and that just shows me how well he will do out on the trails with me in this coming year.
He did unbelievably well with only a week to prepare for his first race. There are a few more on the calendar for 2012, but I promised to not push him. I’ll have him on the weekends with me and that is more than this girl could have hoped for.
I have a list of things I want to do this year.
1. Climb Castle Crag in Shasta County.
2. Half Dome in Yosemite.
3. Lose another 40lbs
4. Walk or run across the Golden Gate
5. Learn how to rock climb
I’m not sure how many of these I will get to do, but I have my goals set and I know the journey to my goals is what is going to make 2012 as wonderful as the last.
