I am having more fun trying to push myself farther and farther.
On Sunday I headed out to the drop zone to meet up with Natalie and Kim to do our 2nd dive that weekend.  It would be my third dive in total.

After my second jump from the plane I hurt myself. I don’t know what I did to cause me to lose feeling in my right hand, but I dealt with it so I could pull the chute and learn the navigation in.  It was more annoying than painful.
In the second jump there was more for me to learn and Jeff wasn’t going to let some stinking pinched nerve get me out of what he had to teach me.  “Lets gets the direction of the wind and find the drop zone.”  I turned the chute around to the East and felt our bodies stop moving.  “got it.”  I looked around to find the drop zone and was disappointed that it was that close. I wanted to be way far away so I could spend more time in the air.   Being cute and adorable I recited the t-shirt I had been reading all weekend, “Jeff…swooping is not a crime.”  He laughed and showed me how to swoop.  My body responded to the spinning and diving and I couldn’t control my child like giggling.  “Oh man, you are trouble!”  I think he might have a sense of relief that he isn’t going to be my AFF instructor!!  He did agree that after I am certified he will dive with me.  I’m sad that he won’t be strapped to my back anymore after this, but grateful that he was so professional and fun and was insistent about making sure that each dive I learned something and mastered it.

This last month has been one of the best things that ever happened to me.  It feels like all the things that mattered before are just slipping away. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said, “I don’t care…whatever…that shit don’t matter anymore.” And I’ve realized how important it is to have boundaries in my life.  I’ve spent too much time letting people be a part of my life without boundaries.  I’m not angry at people because the life I had before because I didn’t show people how I wanted to be treated.  That would have required me knowing what really mattered.

So what matters now?  Being honest with everything that I am feeling. Being present in every single minute of this life. Not even thinking about the ‘what ifs’.  Laughter caused by being alive.  God that laughter is fantastic!  Just letting go.

I believe that this July would be rough.  It marks the month that I got very sick. It also marks my anniversary and also our first marriage counseling meeting.  After the month of June being what it has and all that I have done and seen…July is just another month.  Do I expect a phone call or an “i’m sorry”?  No. Do I care? Not really.  He didn’t.  And I have never been more grateful that someone could care less about the outcome of our life together. So grateful!!

From July 2nd 2009 to December 28th 2009: I promise to myself, my kids and my friends to make up for those exact dates from last year.  All the stuff that has happened in the last few months was just getting us to this point.

I wrote a post about going scuba diving last weekend and wordpress ate the whole thing.
Trip Log:
4am: Leave for Monterey
8am: Get on boat to go scuba diving.
8:30am: arrive at first dive spot. Listen to dive master run  his mouth for 30 minutes while in full body wet suit and 30lbs of weights.
9:00am: Ruka and Lester get in water.
9:04am: Ruka and Lester get out of water.
9:05am: Dan gets into water.
9:07am: Kristine gets into water.
9:08am: Dan gets out of water.

Ruka got sick and Dan said he needed a refresher course before he felt comfortable diving.

So I went down sans a dive buddy to 72 feet for 14 minutes.  Freaking awesome!

That was LAST weekend.

This weekend has been a little more crazy.  Saturday went on my 2nd jump (sky diving) and I get a call  asking if  want to go again this morning.  Ohhh, without a shadow of a doubt I do.
Should I even tell you that we lost two jumpers yesterday about 10 minutes before I got there?  Their chutes got wrapped up. *sigh*  It was a sad day at the drop zone, but it clearly didn’t stop the old jumpers…or this new one.  ‘Cita went with me and she is just as hooked as I am.
I called her husband this morning and said, “Ask ‘Cita if she wants to go again today” and he said, “Are you fucking crazy?”

You know…I have been getting that question posed to me on a daily basis for the last month.

I finally have a good answer to the question: Why would I jump out of a perfectly good airplane? because the door was open.

Heading out to jump again!!!  Yes, crazy….crazy GOOD.

At 5:41 am tomorrow the sun is going to rise in California.
I have always enjoyed watching the sun rise, but with insomnia it was more of a reminder of my inability to allow myself to fall asleep.  Wait, I just reread what I wrote.  Let me clarify; Enjoying watching the sun rise and enjoying having to be up that ungodly hour is two totally different things.
When it’s because you’re headed somewhere to do something you love…heaven! When it’s because you spent the whole night on the phone with someone your getting to know better…awesome!  When it’s because your newborn was up crying all night…heartbreaking.

For me, it’s because I am going somewhere to do something I love.  When the sun rises tomorrow morning I will be sitting in the back of a car with one of my wonderful friends that I have known a life time, camera in hand with a goofy, excited grin.

It’s been said to me on Facebook that I am a 50 year old man going through a midlife crisis that I am doing so much at a break neck speed.  If that’s the case, bring on the Corvette and young chicks because I have no plans to slow down!

Rumi wrote something that has been running through my head since I decided to live this part of my life for myself:

The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you.
Don’t go back to sleep.

You must ask for what you really want.
Don’t go back to sleep.

People are going back and forth across the doorsill
where the two worlds touch.

The door is round and open.
Don’t go back to sleep.

I remember the alive feeling I had when I lost my mind all those years ago.  I was feeling so many different things that I had never thought I would feel again.  The sad part was it was mixed with guilt and shame of what I was doing to the people I loved. It was a bittersweet freedom that I was holding on to with both hands.   The heartbreak I was causing mingling with the joy of feeling totally alive was causing me to not be able to sit alone with myself and I couldn’t allow myself that joy.  The guilt had won and even though I didn’t go back to the old life, I did fall back asleep and pushed aside the bees and butterflies that had taken up residence in my stomach.

This time around, I am having to find that awake feeling instead of it being thrust at me.  First was the spontaneous trip to Yosemite.  That was more for me to be able to get out of the house that the ghosts of my life were walking around in. I couldn’t stand to be here. I kept waiting for my step kids to burst into the room with a question or to look over and see my husband sitting at the computer working on some sort of design.  Every thing in this house was haunting me and the only way to get out of my head was to drive.   When I got there, I sat in my own silence and the hurt of knowing that it wasn’t the same without them there was painful, but I realized that even though I was there without half of my family, It didn’t kill me.  I was going to have to make new memories without them.
The last few weeks have been whirlwind for me.
Every Wednesday on my way home from work, something catches my attention and I decide, “I need to try that!”
1. Get on a motorcycle again. 2. Jump out of a plane.  and this last one was this Wednesday’s bright idea….
3. Go scuba diving.

Hopefully this is just the start of the many new memories I will make.  Dan is nearly finished with the Ninja and I will take my first lessons through the county on how to ride by myself.  Next weekend is my second of 7 sky dives before I can begin to start jumping out of a plane without a man strapped to my back.

So tomorrow when the sun is rising in California I will be half way to Monterey to go jump off a boat in a 77mm wet suit, BC and Reg with a tank of air and a dive buddy.

This new life suits me well. I won’t be going back sleep anytime soon.

3 girls. 1 new me.

On Wednesday I was driving home from work and thought that another ride on the motorcycle might be fun, but then realized it wasn’t as thrilling as it could be if I actually drove it myself.  Knowing I have to wait for the Ninja to be finished, there was going to be no way that Dan would let me actually drive off on his bike, I tried to think of something as fun.
Maybe it was the way the sun was shining through the windshield or a song on the radio, but I said out loud, “I’m jumping out of a plane.”

About 14 years ago I paid for Dan to go ski diving. I knew for a week he was going and I decided to make it a surprise. Each time I thought about him doing it, it made me physically ill.  The first thought was the plane so far in the sky and then my stomach would lurch thinking about him jumping out of it.  The hours before his jump my head was spinning and I was sure that he would die and leave me a widow.  When it was over, he was smiling and swearing he would do it again.  He made it out alive and in my opinion, he was NEVER going to put me through that again.

I picked up the phone and started to call Dan to see if he would want to go with me. Wait! What if something happened to both of us? Who would raise the kids? Bad idea. Let’s call…and I went through my phone list.  NO ONE would jump with me.
“Are you freaking nuts?” “OH HELL NO!” “Seriously, are you retarded?”  Cita was the only one that said she might go.
Okay then. I shall go on my own!
I found out that a friend of Ruka and mine was going to be in town for the weekend.
“Nat, you wanna jump out of a plane with me on Sunday?”
“ABSOLUTELY!”  I waited for the “not” to follow and when it didn’t I squeeeeeeled with excitement. I was certain she might puss out on me, but I put down the 25 bucks to do it anyway.

For 4 straight days I had that nervous excitement stirring in my stomach. “Holy shit. What am I thinking?” would cross my mind about 5 times a day.  Each time it would be followed up with a big grin and a burst of laughter. “I’m DOING IT!”

This morning when the alarm went off, I grabbed the nearest clothes and asked the girls if they wanted to go.
“Mom it’s 6 in the morning….we will watch the video when you get home!” the little ones said.
I’ve never seen Kara move so fast, “I’m not missing this!”

I was waiting for the normal Kristine to surface and talk this crazy Kristine out of this madness.  I guess at six in the morning, crazy Kristine runs the show.

We got to the airport and joined our class for the hour of instructions.  I can break down the instructions to 15 seconds:
1. Arch your body when you jump and deploy the chute.
2. Tuck your legs in.
3. Hold on to your harness when you jump.
4. When you get to 6,500 feet, pull the cord.
5. Smile.
Out of the five things on that list you will only remember one. Smile.

We got to our gear on. I heard my instructor tell me the five things again and I shook my head as if I was really listening to what he was saying. “Got it. arch, hold on, tuck, smile. LETS GO!”
The plane was going to be the biggest obstacle to this whole ordeal. Here was a plane on the ground. The plane was going to go way up in the air. We were going to leave the plane behind. STUPID.
I got on the plane and waited for the, “tell me there is a bathroom I can go to and hurl in.” moment. It never came.
Then the door opened at 13,000 feet.
“Someone opened the fucking door!” I state the obvious to the people on the plane.
“That’s part of what you pay for.” Natalie’s adorable instructor laughed. “She said that you’re going first.”
Damn right I was.

I eagerly made my way to the huge hole in the side of the plane, put on my goofy goggles, grabbed my harness and jumped out of the plane.
Waiting…waiting…waiting…where was that feeling in my stomach?  It wasn’t there.  No Fear. I had none. I was just falling and it was the most beautiful feeling I have ever felt in my whole life.  The world was spinning around and around and I was trying to do everything in my power to not start laughing.  HOLY SHIT, I just jumped out of a plane! Every time I thought about it, I would smile and all the air in the world would rush into my mouth.

My instructor tapped my hand to remind me to check where we were. We were already at 7,000 feet and in less than a few seconds I would have to end the fun and pull the cord that would save my life.
I reached down and when I thought I had no strength left inside of my body, I pulled the cord and all the sound fell away and I was floating.

“Well?” my instructor leaned in. “were you scared?”
“Not even for a second!” I needed an explanation for this madness!
“Oh no…you know what that means?  You’re one of us.”  He explained to me that there are people that will jump once or twice in their life. They would show the video to anyone that will watch it and then be able to say they went ski diving.  Then there was people like me that will spend all their spare time getting certified so they could dive alone.
That thought gave me that butterfly feeling. “YES!”

Ski diving was my biggest fear in the world. It’s stupid, reckless, immature. Why would anyone even think of jumping out of a perfectly good airplane?
Now I truly feel there isn’t a thing in this world I can’t do.
I’m going back in 2 weeks to do it again. ‘Cita is joining me. Nat is flying from Portland again to do it too.

I was re-reading my 2009 goals: “Once upon a time there was this woman who loved her life…let’s go find her again. If we can’t find that woman, let’s fall in love with the new woman that is on her adventure to get back to good.”

Forget that woman...this woman is so much more amazing and I am falling more in love with her every single day!

Click here to watch my video

Just in case I hit the earth at 233 miles an hour because the chute didn’t open:

1. Drain my body of whatever fluids are left and bury me in the skinny jeans I have hanging in my closet.
2. My daughters: My only purpose in life to was to keep you off the pole. Finish school then finish college.
3. My stuff is all lame, so come over and grab what you want.
4. Bury me with the D300.
5. I love you. I will always love you.

Alrighty then.  I’m ready for this.

Oh, and I wanted the last potential picture of me to be one where I look like I am standing next to Robert DeNiro.

I’M DOING IT!!!

I really need to stop driving home from work because it’s in that hour drive that I get those wild hairs!   First the motorcycle and now this.

AND NOW THIS!! OMG… Fuh-REAKING out excited.

I’m not in the waiting room. I’m not missing a damn thing, baby!

Three mutha fuckin’ miles!

How did people run before ipods? at two miles I was bored out of my mind! Dixie Chicks actually pulled me through. The last mile one of the boys joined me and pushed me to finish.

Oh and by the way, texting and running is not a good idea. I started in the middle of the track and somehow ended up taking a digger into the cement runner along the track!  Oh, and if you do get a text from me that says, ‘doo usrkd ick’, it means, “no, i’m not home yet. i will text you after i stretch out and smoke a cig.’ and ‘der’ means, “LOL, that’s funny, now leave me alone and quit making my phone vibrate in my sports bra!”

Note to self: 1. go pee before you leave. 2. the track on the right side is fully flooded by 9:47pm. 3. When you hear someone yelling at you to slow down for a second, it’s not a mass murderer and there is no reason to scream like a ninny and run faster.

Running is still moronic, but I’m starting to like it. Shut up.

I had to reset all my passwords and like a total dork, forgot them.
It took a few hours, but I found them and now I can’t remember what it was that I was going to say.

In the great delete of 2009 (deleted 19, 873 pictures) I also deleted all my mail.  I now have lost all the requests for the other place I write at. Soooo, if you’re mad at me for not giving you the email…just email me again.

Things are going alright. My weekends are busy as I realized that being at home is what I would guess HELL feels like.

Cita and I found this awesome place to go have breakfast on the weekends and I would give my left arm to not miss it.

I booked a rafting trip in a few weeks.  Every time I have gone I have enjoyed myself so much and that is exactly what I want.

Ruka is killing me with her, “I’m going run THIS …and this…and THIS one too!”  so I am having to train harder and harder to keep up with her.  So far she has two she’s running and that means, I have two I am following her in.
Two miles a night isn’t bad, but according to this person I run with  that I met about 2 weeks ago, “You have to push through to the fourth mile! Tonight we shall run HILLS!”  This is coming from someone who had knee surgery recently so I can’t exactly complain, “Yeah, well my heart was ripped out of my chest and stomped flat.” without feeling like a wussy, so I keep running.  How that person keeps talking during running, I will be glad to know.

It’s strange when you start running you realize how many other people do it too.  Honestly, I think it’s the most moronic thing in the world. I run. I run. I run. I don’t get anywhere.  Last week I was tempted to not go, but I realized it wasn’t the running I needed, but the structure of doing it every night.  Oh, and I run like a girl. A girl with no balance what so ever. I actually SWERVE while running.  Last night I tripped over a dog.  True words. Not just saying that to make you laugh. Big Doberman got in my way.

Work is going good. The drive is a pain in the ass.  I have moved on from the Spanish stations to music on my Ipod (thanks Maria for the charger!).  There is music I still don’t listen to, but that might come back in time. It’s still the angry, I hate you, die, die, die variety, but at least I understand what they are saying.

AND OH MY GOD…I rode the motorcycle again!  I had my first lesson in actually driving it myself.
Wanna hear my progress? Good. I can start it, put it in gear, stand it up right.

Next up, getting brave enough to put the kickstand up.

We went to the bank yesterday to open her a bank account and while we were waiting for the woman to finish up we followed Alyx and Shea’s suit and played “Rock, Paper, Scissors.”  She said, “Not lizard and Spock though…I don’t know how that one works!”

I insisted I would tell her the truth.  I threw Spock, she threw rock.  “I win.”  She raised her eyebrows at me and I instantly began to look guilty. “MOM! You could say that every time and I wouldn’t know!”
We laughed and decided to play again.

“ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS, LIZARD, SPOCK!”  and Kara throws her hands into prayer and says, “JESUS.”
“What? You can’t throw Jesus!” I laugh.
“Mom, Jesus trumps your Lizard. Jesus trumps everything.”
“Noooooo….Lizard bites Jesus. Jesus dies.”  I look triumphantly at her.
She smirks at me, “Jesus dies, but comes back three days later.”

Damn.  Now we have to wait three days to see who wins.

I’m going throw Darwin! hee hee.