This weekend I got to see Lindsey Stirling in concert. Holy shitballs is that woman one talented creature!
I heard of her through a hockey friend about 4 years ago and became an instant fan. She has this fluid way of playing and moving that is magical to watch. In person, it was one of those things you watch and shake your head because it is unreal.
My other friend is also fan and about 6 months ago I told him that she was going to be playing in a town near us. He waited too long to get the tickets and they sold out. When she came up again near by I let him know again so he wouldn’t miss out on getting the tickets and he swooped up and got the first available. Unbeknownst to me, he got me a ticket too! I just didn’t realize how far Fresno was away from me.
Sunday was spent recovering from Saturday’s long drive, concert, Jack and Coke and long drive back on Sunday. It was fun and I was glad I was able to go.
It’s Monday and I am well rested, but not wanting to go to work. I want to hang out at my place and get stuff organized. By the end of the day I am so tired, I just want to go to sleep. It’s time to just pack my work out gear in my trunk and hit the gym before I even step in my front door.
Summer is coming to an end I feel like I missed too much of it, but grateful because I did get to cultivate and nurture friendships that I set aside for one reason or another. Because of the BS with E, I found I have a pretty good friend in someone that he insisted I was sleeping with. Okay, so he thought I was actually sleeping with everyone…but this was the one that started the whole thing because of a stupid comment on a facebook status from 3 years ago.
I’m learning that friends are more important to me than I gave them credit for….but sometimes I have to understand that not everyone is my friend. Some people don’t want my friendship at all. Some people want more and some just don’t get me.
I have to accept that and just move on.
Right now…friendship is all I have to give.
It’s been a week and a half and it’s still hard to write about.
Last Tuesday I was suppose to go to my weekly mBFF friend dinner, but he couldn’t get back to Sacramento in time and we decided to put it off until next week. This is the part where everything got weird. I have a notfriend/friend guy I knew from my hockey days and I had sent him a facebook message letting him know that everything he was writing about our friend, Midori was spot on and exactly how it feels. He opened up about how he was struggling with losing his friend. He asked if I wanted to go with him to see her and her husband tonight with him. I knew these were her final days with her family, but was also told that she was no longer responsive…we were just waiting at this point. After insisting that he ask our friend (her husband) if it was okay to go and getting the thumbs up, we headed out.
I still can’t write about it because I want to cry.
There was a point in the night when I looked around the room at the six of us, Midori in her hospice bed not responsive, eyes closed, labored breathing….her husband who has been with her since he was 19 years old. There was 6 of us in that room the night before she passed on and I honestly believe she hand picked each one of us to be there. I knew when I was listening to the stories and how we were making Midori’s husband laugh (a promise I made to her when I got to say my goodbye to her “we will make him laugh for you”) Her purpose for having us there was that we were the select few that were strong enough to deal with what was to come and we could bring Jon laughter. We did not fail.
During a serious part of the night when Jon’s phone was blowing up with texts and he said, “This thing has been going off all day!” I rolled my eyes and said, “Oh Mista. Popular with all his phone calls and texts…how ever did we get so lucky to be able to hang out with you tonight!?” Everyone laughed because it was such an odd moment to be cracking jokes, but everyone else joined in on picking on Jon about something or other and the mood was lightened. Some other crazy stuff happened that night and because of the people that were there we managed to crack jokes through a really horrible situation.
She picked us to be there that night. I know this and I am honored I was one of those people that got to say goodbye to her. I also know that the notfriend/friend is now a friend. He was someone I judged very wrong and I told him that. He said “same.” She saw something in both of us and loved us, there is no way after what we went through that night that I can’t call him my friend now.
Midori was all light and all love and it’s so fucking unfair that she’s not here. The other day I was going through my “Facebook – on this day” memory and Midori had posted this incredibly awesome post on my wall talking about what a good friend I was to her…and I swear it was it was OTHER WAY AROUND. That woman made everyone she knew a better person and I told her that all the time. There were many times I would just send her a message and say, “I need prayer” and that woman would send me the most amazing message back that would lighten my heart and know that things were going to get better.
I still can’t. I can’t cry about this anymore.
I just can’t…but here I am. Crying.
Okay Okay Okay…enough.
People come into your life for a reason and I keep wondering why my past came to visit me in the second half of my life and I keep getting gentle reminders. This weekend I met this young kid who was hanging out at the trash bin at my apartment complex. I struck up a conversation with him and found that he was homeless and doing some couch surfing to get out of his hometown of Stockton because he got into drugs and he didn’t want that lifestyle for him and his dog. We talked for a good 30 minutes and we shared stories. I explained some of the things I had just recently went through and as I was describing some of the things that happened he was shaking his head yes. He said, “He was on meth. That was me and that is classic meth behavior.” I asked him if he would ever be able to look back and know that what he thought was real was just a delusion. He didn’t know because he’s not sure what was real and what was made up in his world when he was in it.
He told me that the story I told him will steer him in the direction he needs to be going. His stories will remind me that there is goodness in everyone and if you want it bad enough, you can overcome the most evil in this world…you just need your reasons. I was not reason enough to leave meth alone.
I lost my father in law recently and went to his celebration of life. Seeing his family and telling the girls about how it went got us all to talking about stories from their youth. Alyx talked about how when she was little and she was sick that Shaun was always there to help take care of her. We laughed about stories of when all the kids were sick and we had the washing machine going non stop. We tag teamed sleeping and making sure the kids were taken care of. It was the first time in a long time that I got to hear good stories and not the sad ones. It’s been a very long time since they even spoke of that time in our lives. The girls are excited about reconnecting with Jessie. I am so impressed with how well the young kids have been raised. They are all such amazing kids in that family. I also got to see my Gma Billie. I longed for the times when we could sit at the table and talk for hours and listen to her and Gma Baland’s stories. She touched my face like she always did and said, “I never forgot you and think of you often. I miss our long phone calls.” I promised to come see her and listen to her talk. Sharon, of course, carried herself with a spine of steel. Watching the family move around the room and comfort others even though they were the ones broken with sadness was incredible to watch and made my heart break for them all. Seeing Shaun tell stories and his voice crack made me cry. Knowing how much he loved his dad and he was now gone, just heartbreaking. It killed me to see pictures. I loved that man SO very much and I am so mad that I waited so long before I called and talked to them again. I’m also glad that I did get that time to tell him all the things I never got to say.
Despite the circumstance, Shaun looked happy and supported. I’m glad because he does so much for others, i’m glad he’s not alone in the world.
I move out of Rocklin at the end of the month. Time to start new adventures. This is one of my gentle reminders from the past. E told me that it was sad that I was in this dark box of an apartment all alone. I didn’t see it before and always thought of it as my sanctuary, but maybe he was right. Time to get out and meet new people and start living.
2017 I go to Ireland with my mBFF and that will hopefully spark a bunch more trips for both of us. We both need to get out and do things with people that don’t expect more than what we can give them. I’m not ready for a relationship. Do I want to be with someone and in love? Absolutely, but it’s not the right time for me. I am still processing a lot of shit that I never processed.
I went to Redding this weekend and my sister and I had couple of nice hikes.
We went to some waterfalls up in Mt. Shasta and then made our way over to a lake to walk off our lunch.
We came across this bridge that a bunch of kids were jumping off of. There was this young blonde girl and her boyfriend standing on the edge. She laughed and let go. He jumped in right after her. I walked to the edge to see the two had entangled in an embrace and were kissing. Tears instantly filled my eyes.
E use to talk with such love when he spoke of our time as kids when we would jump off the cliffs of Whispering Waters back behind my old house. The last time he was out there he said he could smell us out there. I didn’t fully understand what he meant. There was no way our scent had stuck around for 25 years for him to smell. As I stood out there and watched the couple swim off to the island I took a deep inhale of air. I could smell my youth. It was the smell of sunshine, warm pine needles and wet skin. Yes, I could smell us.
The lump in my throat showed me that despite knowing that it was an unhealthy relationship and I am better off, that need for my innocence to not be sullied by what happened was something that still hurt.
I finally had that conversation with my daughter. She laughed and cracked jokes. I didn’t really expect anything different, but it sucked having to tell her those things.
When I think about it now I have to keep telling myself that I am grateful for this time and be happy that I got to love with 100% of my heart one more time. I didn’t leave anything left unsaid. I made some amazing memories that I will carry with me until I die.
Being up there was harder than even I had prepared myself for. Passing the exit off of I-5, looking at the moon and stars…just about everything was a reminder. It will get easier and I told myself that a million times when I was there, “I will forget all the little details someday and everything will be fine.”
I know, you’re sick of hearing it as much I am saying it…cry me a river, right?
Had dinner with the bestest of friends.
It had been about 13 years since we all hung out and my beautiful friend, Lisa was more than thrilled to have both of ‘her boys’ at dinner.
We made our way over to the Tree and it was so weird to see the changes they have made to the place, but it still looked and felt the same.
We sang along with Jerry when he sang Family Tradition and even danced when he sang Margaritaville. So many amazing, wonderful and beautiful memories of hanging out with my crew from when I was in college.
Lisa rode from dinner with Dale and she said, “He values your friendship so much.” It made me feel good too. If we were allowed to pick one person in this world to be a sibling, he would have been my brother. Hell, we would have been twins!
We are planning a trip to Vegas at the end of September to see Lionell Richie. Well, *I* am going to see Lionell, he’s going to hang out with my friend Sammy and do some pub crawling.
That’s the only downfall to Las Vegas trips is that I want to spend the whole time with my brother and sister in law. The last time we went, I had the BEST trip of my life. The best times were when we were in the truck driving somewhere singing Uptown Funk or some Jason Derulo song. It’s when I am with my family that I have some of the greatest laughs.
This trip I will get to see them a little bit, but I keep promising to go hang out with Sammy and she keeps calling me on me being flaky.
In my defence, I work Monday through Friday and I did take an unexpected vacation. I am dreading having to tell Bruce that I am going to take a Friday and a Monday off for this one, but I am giving a couple months warning.
Next year I am going to have to tell him I am taking 2 weeks to go to Ireland. That will go over like a fart in church.
Staying positive lately. Last night I got ANOTHER call about something that was said about me and my daughter from a friend. I’m going to have to tell her about the rumor that he spreading. I had hoped my conversation with him years ago and the one recently would have cleared up the problem, but that clearly isn’t the case.
He’s also saying some pretty wicked things about me in a class he is in and it’s getting relayed back to my brother. I wish it would just stop, but he’s mentally unhealthy and it’s not worth the trouble to ask him to stop. If there is one thing I could go back and undo it would be staying in contact with him and letting him back into my life. A mistake I will never make again. Ever.
Another weekend in the books.
I had a Celebration of Life BBQ I went to on Saturday. My friend, Midori has terminal liver cancer and all of her hockey family got together to give her some love and spend some time with her.
I met Midori while I was scorekeeping a few years ago. It was a job to just have a few extra dollars between the photo shoots and weddings I was busy doing. I was at the rink all the time anyway because my boyfriend played hockey there on Sundays. Midori was quiet, but she was fun to hang out with. I use to play her dance music and watch her in the stands as she cheered on her husband. She would dance and always had the greatest smile. After my boyfriend and I broke up she kept in touch. Always sending a text when I needed it the most. She’s a believer and one day after she found out she had cancer I asked her how she was doing and she said, “I am grateful and give thanks to the Lord for cancer.” I was stunned. She explained that she is stronger because of it and her walk with the Lord is more clear now. She knows what is truly important in this life.
I am a better person because this amazing woman calls me ‘friend’. The best thing about being her friend is that I wouldn’t have to explain that last sentence to any of her friends because I know they all feel the exact same way. She has makes us better.
After the BBQ I was surrounded by my old friends, Kent and Jennifer. We had pizza, laughed and talked about old times when we use to live in this townhouse in Redding. I love the stories they remember. We ended the night going out to get frozen yogurt and listening to Shea tell us all about Pokemon Go.
I’m thinking about moving. There is a place downtown that I am thinking about. If it falls through, I still think I am ready to leave Rocklin. I only stayed because of the girls getting through high school. I wanted to be here for them and because of it I am struggling financially trying to stay in this overpriced apartment. It’s time to get into a new place that doesn’t cost me so much and has a better commute to and from work. If I live downtown I won’t fight the traffic going up to Fair Oaks and on the way home everyone is leaving downtown to go back home. Either way it will need to be closer to where I work. I am tired of the drive. The girls are doing their own things now and it’s time to go.
That’s pretty much it. The heartbreak is getting better. I’m not sad anymore. I am not angry anymore. Confused as fuck, but I just have to shake my head when I think about it and remember that there was no logic to the things that were said. The dreams are lessening. The one I had the other night was about a house built on a cliff overlooking the ocean. During low tide it was beautiful. Everything you would ever wish for in a home. I was walking for the door and a giant wave hit and I could feel it in my chest. I turned around to look out of the front of the house that was all glass and another giant wave hit causing the whole house to move and go completely white. It scared me. I walked over to the glass and I put my hand on it as the next wave hit and I said, “I can’t live here.” I knew that even though it was everything I ever wanted, there would be these violent waves that would have me scared the rest of the time. That pretty much summed up my relationship with E.
In the last conversation I had with his mother she said, “You dodged a bullet. You don’t have to live with this craziness.”
As time passes, I see that is true.
After I realized that I wasn’t in any position to move forward, I decided I couldn’t stay in that place. I had been in that place before and it wasn’t a healthy place for me to be. To those around me, I am doing fine and they don’t even ask how I am doing anymore (except my step daughter who knows that even though I am smiling and say i am fine–it’s a lie and she calls me on it).
I have a handful of friends that I have allowed to know the true details of what happened and how fucked up sad I am from it. I have a few friends that don’t know details, don’t care what happened, but just wanna be there to make me laugh and move into the new place in my life.
I am grateful for both sets of friends.
Once a week I have dinner with friends. I have been doing this for a long time, but of course when I get into a relationship my friends fall aside and I throw myself away and I lose friends. Thank God for the friends that love and know me…and forgive me for this act of blind love stupidity.
Last week I went to dinner downtown with my mBFF and we made a pact to not get into a relationship with anyone for a year. We put money on it and set up some ground rules (which both of us will probably find loop holes in) as to not lose the bet. We are both Aries and we love being in love…but we have both been burned before.
Now some people think that men and women can’t be friends without some sort of sexual underlying thing to it. This is bullshit. Complete bullshit. We have been friends for over 16 years and nothing has ever happened between us. We have both been single and drunk as fuck and in the same bed and nothing has ever happened because both of us don’t see each other like that. Maybe that’s a rare thing, I don’t know.
When I told him that my ex thought that there was something going on between us he said, “Did you tell him, EWWWWW?” I had to laugh because I told him that is EXACTLY what I said!
Not that my friend is gross, or I am gross. Not that my friend wouldn’t make a wonderful companion, but not with me…Ewww. Anyone that is our mutual friends know that we are siblings that just have different parents.
So, our pact allows us to go on dates with people. This was such an odd thing to say, because that thought alone is just terrifying still. It’s going to be a good long time before I trust anyone enough to do that. Until then my friends are stuck going to dinner with me once a week and my hiking/running friends dragging me out of the house.
There doesn’t feel like a time in the day that I am not impacted by what happened. I’m ready to be mad that anyone would believe such horrible things about me.
There are moments when I think about all the things we did get to do in the short amount of time we were allowed to have together and the things we shared through letters and I am baffled why his mind would believe what it does. There was nothing in all the years we’ve known each other that would even direct him on a path to thinking I would have ever, ever, ever….EVER done p**n.
I do too much thinking in the car and yesterday on the way home I was thinking about how much fun we had riding roller coasters. I smiled and then got angry instantly. It’s not fair! Why couldn’t his mind think GOOD things about me? I don’t know, I have to stop trying to figure out why things happened the way they did and just accept the fact that it is what it is and it’s over. I will never know how his life turned out. Since we were 14 years old I have always known where and how he was doing…and now I can’t. I can’t even ask anymore because now it won’t be because I am his friend and I want to catch up. It will be too painful to know that he’s not doing good, too painful to know he’s doing amazing (without me).
I’m just going to keep moving forward, putting band-aids on these bullet holes and maybe it will be alright.
It feels like I am at a stop sign to a busy street and instead of trying to find a spot to get in, i’m sitting there staring off into space with no interest to move forward.
There is a girl power- fight song on the radio and I know I should be able to let all this go, but it’s wrapped around me like a blanket. I have no interest in fighting this sadness.
The lyrics of the song is still poking me. Yes, I know…shake it off, pull yourself into the light you belong and stop having your wishbone where you oughta have a backbone. Lyrics, songs, memes, all of them flooding me and trying to build myself back up from the ruins of the life I actively participated in.
There is a gap in the traffic. No. I am not leaving this stop light until I figure out where I am going.
I can’t go back, that’s not an option. Moving forward and seeing myself past the next 60 seconds seems like an impossible task.
People are waving me in, “Come on, there is plenty of room for you.”
All I have to do is just move forward, but i’m shaking my head violently NO. NO I CAN’T! I can’t leave here because if I leave here…I can’t ever come back.
No. I can’t ever come back anyway so why I am waiting here? Why am I actively putting myself in a waiting room?
Someone is going to pull up behind me and I am going to have to move. Oh God, please don’t make me move from this spot. Please God, get me out of this spot.
I tried to meditate yesterday and I kept having anxiety bursts. I finally had to yell, STOP in my head to get it to stop. The anxiety attacks have been creeping back in, but not as big as the one I had before a wedding I had to shoot. In retrospect, I had a lot going on and I was suppressing a lot of things. These are the little ones that happen before the massive one hits. The jolts (not a full on anxiety attack…just a heart stopping jolt that usually kick starts a doozy) hit me from out of no where. I had just finished a guided meditation and I was doing the visualization exercise and all the sudden I thought about a few different scenarios that included people and I jolted.
The day after E left I had a few of them. I could hear him yelling at me or saying my name and it scared me. This one was just the thought of anyone in my apartment. This silence is golden and I after I got home from vacation that first day I was okay with silence then I missed the sound of people around me, but not here.
After what happened with E, there is a good chance that no one will be allowed in my apartment ever again. Yes, the girls…but I don’t want people in my space anymore. I feel violated by what happened here and I don’t think some sage is ever going to fix it. I have removed all markers of any sort that remind me of that short amount of time, but he’s still here in my head and I can hear him, I can see him…I can feel him here with me. Sometimes it’s the wonderful moments of watching him making something to eat and smiling over at me or just falling asleep. Sometimes it’s him pacing and glaring at me like I was a stranger to him.
I hate that I have both of those memories. I hate not knowing which one will win out at the end of the day. Today I woke up and I was feeling alright, but then I remembered a conversation I had with someone last night and I was sad again. Sad that I can’t express myself the way I want to as to explain something to him that will help him understand.
I DON’T KNOW EITHER! that’s all I have I guess.
I’m suppose to go hang out with my friend today, but I don’t think I will. I’m feeling out of sorts again.