For those of you still following the crazy saga of my life here, but mostly on Facebook you will have seen a complete shift in the woman I am.
I’ve been thinking about writing for quite some time, but life keeps happening and I just never have the time. Also I have someone I keep bouncing my thoughts off of now.
I can’t start at the beginning because that goes back 30 years and so many crazy things have happened from the moment I saw the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, making a hamburger at the age of 14 years old. That still sounds so crazy to me; the part about me wanting to spend my life with someone and loving someone that long.
Ethan was my first boyfriend, my first love, my high school sweetheart. To hear his side of the story, he knew when he was 14 that he was going to spend his whole life loving me and even when I ended it and broke his heart he knew the day would come that he would get me back. Success.
Life rolled on for both of us and we brought 4 beautiful women into this world. I married twice and he held out. I lived life on the straight and narrow while he went the complete opposite and tested the boundaries and bent rules. Things didn’t turn out how either one of had hoped, but that crazy road of being hurt by others and the hurt we caused ourselves brought us to right where we are. Trust me, I hate that damn song “Bless The Broken Road”, but I can see how it pertains to our life.
Wanting to be able to take all that time we weren’t together and giving it to him is what I wish I could do, but I know that without all that happened in those 25 years we couldn’t have gotten here.
We always stayed in touch through the years, some calls to catch up and give condolences when we lost a family member or a friend. Sometimes he would call to check in and see if I was single. Some calls would turn into an argument with me insisting that I would NEVER talk to that asshole again. He would hang up the phone angry at me that I was an idiot for not being with him. Most calls ended that way.
One conversation we recently had we were talking about my last bad relationship with a person I thought I had wasted 4 years of my life with, feeling like I got NOTHING from that relationship that would help me. It was then that I finally understood why I had to go through that. It was to understand what I was walking into now.
I wish I could say that this road in the last month has been a breeze, but it hasn’t been and it won’t be an easy one for a good long time, but I am smiling every single day because I’ve changed for the better.
I’m not a “Happily Ever After” person, he believes that love is true and it conquers all. I’m not a “forever” person and he is “forever in this life and all the ones before it and after it.” I’m the realist and he is the dreamer. He kept asking to give in and see how it felt. Just for a moment in time, dream with him and believe in forever. When I finally let that wall down and opened my heart fully…I trusted him and his heart. He is my forever. Loving him is like coming home. Loving him now makes me feel like I never stopped.
I’m going to spend the rest of my life with someone who takes every opportunity to tell me that loves me, hugs me endlessly, kisses me and wants to just hold my hand. He’s a man who has seen the darkest this world has and he loves ME with all that he has to give with just the slimmest chance that I will love him back. All he asks is for all the sweetness I have and I didn’t think I had much sweetness left to give, but I am finding that it’s an endless well of it. I want to love someone with all that I have. Normally, I would follow that statement up with, “And that’s scary…” but I am not scared. Not even a little bit. I don’t care what ANYONE says about us…and trust me, people have things to say.
He asks me to marry him every time we are together. On a hiking trail, on my patio, in his kitchen…I answer with, “Absolutely.” every time. I will too…when the time is right, I am going to allow him to finally say, “I do.” for the first time and I will say, “I do” for the last time.