Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random

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For those of you still following the crazy saga of my life here, but mostly on Facebook you will have seen a complete shift in the woman I am.
I’ve been thinking about writing for quite some time, but life keeps happening and I just never have the time.  Also I have someone I keep bouncing my thoughts off of now.

I can’t start at the beginning because that goes back 30 years and so many crazy things have happened from the moment I saw the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, making a hamburger at the age of 14 years old.  That still sounds so crazy to me; the part about me wanting to spend my life with someone and loving someone that long.
Ethan was my first boyfriend, my first love, my high school sweetheart.  To hear his side of the story, he knew when he was 14 that he was going to spend his whole life loving me and even when I ended it and broke his heart he knew the day would come that he would get me back. Success.
Life rolled on for both of us and we brought 4 beautiful women into this world. I married twice and he held out.  I lived life on the straight and narrow while he went the complete opposite and tested the boundaries and bent rules. Things didn’t turn out how either one of had hoped, but that crazy road of being hurt by others and the hurt we caused ourselves brought us to right where we are.  Trust me, I hate that damn song “Bless The Broken Road”, but I can see how it pertains to our life.
Wanting to be able to take all that time we weren’t together and giving it to him is what I wish I could do, but I know that without all that happened in those 25 years we couldn’t have gotten here.
We always stayed in touch through the years, some calls to catch up and give condolences when we lost a family member or a friend. Sometimes he would call to check in and see if I was single. Some calls would turn into an argument with me insisting that I would NEVER talk to that asshole again. He would hang up the phone angry at me that  I was an idiot for not being with him.  Most calls ended that way.
One conversation we recently had we were talking about my last bad relationship with a person I thought I had wasted 4 years of my life with, feeling like I got NOTHING from that relationship that would help me.  It was then that I finally understood why I had to go through that.  It was to understand what I was walking into now.

I wish I could say that this road in the last month has been a breeze, but it hasn’t been and it won’t be an easy one for a good long time, but I am smiling every single day because I’ve changed for the better.
I’m not a “Happily Ever After” person, he believes that love is true and it conquers all.  I’m not a “forever” person and he is “forever in this life and all the ones before it and after it.”  I’m the realist and he is the dreamer.   He kept asking to give in and see how it felt.  Just for a moment in time, dream with him and believe in forever.   When I finally let that wall down and opened my heart fully…I trusted him and his heart.   He is my forever.  Loving him is like coming home.   Loving him now makes me feel like I never stopped.

I’m going to spend the rest of my life with someone who takes every opportunity to tell me that loves me, hugs me endlessly, kisses me and wants to just hold my hand.  He’s a man who has seen the darkest this world has and he loves ME with all that he has to give with just the slimmest chance that I will love him back.  All he asks is for all the sweetness I have and I didn’t think I had much sweetness left to give, but I am finding that it’s an endless well of it.  I want to love someone with all that I have.  Normally, I would follow that statement up with, “And that’s scary…” but I am not scared.  Not even a little bit.  I don’t care what ANYONE says about us…and trust me, people have things to say.

He asks me to marry him every time we are together.  On a hiking trail, on my patio, in his kitchen…I answer with, “Absolutely.” every time.  I will too…when the time is right, I am going to allow him to finally say, “I do.” for the first time and I will say, “I do” for the last time.

 

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Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random

ME

 

Everything has changed.

 

 

Evergreen

Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random

Have you ever thought about a certain day and how it can change your whole life?  What if you knew what that date was?  What if it was coming up?
I’m faced with exactly that. I have a lot of changes coming up soon that I thought I wouldn’t be ready for, like Shea graduating from high school.  The reality is that I am ready. That day use to scare me because that would mean a sense of freedom I have not had in roughly 23 years.  My grand plan was that I was going to pack it up and move back to Redding and spend my last half of my life with my sister.  Like a nimrod I didn’t exactly financially plan for it though.  When I met my second husband I was certain that we would build a life here and watch the girls grow up and live happily ever after.  Fairytale endings don’t seem to work out for me though.  Or maybe they do. We shall see.

I was on a trail run with my crew last weekend and mid run I stopped.  “I know the date that my whole life is going to change and things will never be the same. It won’t be the same as it is today. I’m going to change and things are going to be different.”
It was scary and thrilling at the same time.  As that day draws closer I want to better prepare myself for it and that means living authentically.  Last night something threw itself in my path and I approached it as honestly as I could.   Walking around the situation with fresh eyes and seeing it for what it was. A test.  This was a test to see if I could handle this new change.  Stepping back from it, but being honest with my feelings for it I examined it.  Was it going to bring me happiness? No.  Was it going to make me love myself more? Absolutely not.  Not needing to examine it further I decided to let the other person see it for what it was as well.   When one is not living authentically they grow angry at examination and that is exactly what happened.
I believe I have heard the last of it and the test was passed.  I’m glad it happened now and not after the upcoming date of change.  I was able to live in that moment and deal with it the best way that I could.

I’m excited for change.  This is new for me.  The unexpected has always frightened me, but for once I am ready with open arms.

well that was dumb…

Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random

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Words are the most awesome things in the whole world.  Just a handful of letters in our alphabet and a everyone has a way of stringing them together to create stories, helpful advice, love letters or beautiful songs.  Sadly it goes both ways and words can be used to hurt.

 

See, there’s this thing.  I am ridiculed for the mistakes I have made in this life when it comes to love.  I have NEVER made the right choice and I have loved all the wrong people. Even the people that have been wonderful are subjects to the ‘mistakes mom has made.’

Alas, I will just silently walk out of the dating ring and hopefully after a million years go by my children will have forgotten my mistakes and only remember that I did once love, even if they weren’t the people they thought I should.

Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random

 

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“When I first saw you, I saw love
And the first time you touched me, I felt love
And after all this time,
You’re still the one I love
Looks like we made it
Look how far we’ve come my baby
We mighta took the long way
We knew we’d get there someday”

 

I spent the last weekend in the mud trail running with two of my best friends in the world.   Dan is my ex-husband (17 years) and Tabitha is my 2nd ex-husband’s first wife.    It sounds strange, but it works and I couldn’t be happier for that oddness.
There is something about running and hiking with people, you have to be honest with them and they have to be with you. It’s a trust thing that you build.   This weekend I let Tabitha know that I am ready to open up to letting someone in my life again.   That’s a HUGE thing for me because there are days when I don’t think I can do it again, but some days when I am not lonely (because I have learned the difference between ‘lonely and alone’…but alone and I think that I want to let someone in.

 

Baby steps.

 

 

 

Friday Nights

Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random

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It’s Friday morning and I was thinking how tonight I will come home and finish taking down my tree and preparing for the new year ahead of me.
New years was amazing. One of the bests I can remember.  I had a great dinner with my mom, sister and brother in law.  When I got home I got to talk to my best friend from high school.  It was beyond words I can use to explain how incredibly special that conversation was to me.  “Missing” her just doesn’t cover it. When I heard her voice it was like a part of my soul filled up.   The first day of the year I got to see her.  What a wonderful way to start of the new year.  The next day I got to hang out with my other friend, Bo from high school.   High school for me was in the 1980’s so it’s a great feeling to ‘remember’.
The friendships I had back then were like (what I would guess) people that go through boot camp with and then end up at war, fighting side by side.    The stories we have are hysterical and heartbreaking.  Putting our stories together and filling in the holes of our memories.

The whole, ‘not giving a shit what people think’ is still stirring around in my brain.  This life, the short grain of sand in the big scheme of things is tugging at me.  I’m ready to not give a shit anymore and just live this bitch until the wheels fall off.
Sometimes when I start getting too much in my head, I think, “Who fucking cares?”  and then I think about the shit that people will talk if I decided to live my life like I really want to…and that kills the dream, BUT THEN this voice pops into my head.  It’s Tabitha and she’s saying, “Go away, you are nobody.”   EXACTLY, all those people that will have my name on their lips, talking their shit are nobody.  In the BIG PICTURE of this life I really only care what my sister thinks about me.  She is my compass and she points me in the right direction.  My girls…well, lets be honest…they know that their mom is different, lives by the rules, but is constantly finding ways to break them.   They understand I am not like other moms.  I love differently.

So yeah. Who gives a shit if I decide to just pack it all in and just live this life until it’s over?

Christmas 2015

Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random

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This is the first Christmas in ever that I have woken up alone.  It’s probably a good thing that the last few months I have been doing just that to prepare me for today.  I was awaken by a text message coming in (Christmas and New year seem to be the holiday I get texts from family and friends I never hear from) and my first thought was, “This is Christmas morning…” and I felt sad that i’m alone.   After my coffee was made and I crawled back into bed, I decided to analyze my feelings and see where that sadness was coming from.   Was I truly sad or was it that I was SUPPOSE to feel sad waking up alone on Christmas morning?

It wasn’t real sad…it was expected sad.  After rolling around past Christmas-s I know that this one is going to be a great one.  Last night was my reminder of that.  The girls, Dan, Tabitha, Rina Roo and Jeremiah all piled into the cars and went to Boston Market for Christmas eve dinner and I sat there and listened to all my kids laughing so hard they were in tears.  I looked over at Tabitha and whispered, “This is the best present I could have been given….all my kids back in one place and laughing.”  She knew because we spent the whole dinner just smiling and laughing with them.  It’s my favorite sound when all 4 of my girls are laughing at the same time.
Next Christmas is going to be different and I am going to enjoy this one with every fiber of my being.  Who knows what next year will bring into our lives or what will be removed.   My thought is we will have Dan’s new girlfriend with us, and who knows…maybe Tabitha and I will have met someone we want to share our holidays with.  Right now that is the least of my expectations of next year.  I do know we will be sitting around talking about all the adventures we went on in 2016 and what plans we have already going for 2017.   The girls might have their significant others over.  Maybe Marina will have made it home again.  I don’t know.

I do know that someday after I am gone I want the girls to read this and know that there was no better moment than hearing all of them together last night.   To know that later Kara and Marina got to go for a drive alone and sing music and talk and be the sisters they haven’t got to be in so many years because of distance.  I want Marina to know that sitting outside listen to her just SPILL her heart and tell her story for an hour was a memory I will cherish.   I was Marina’s step mom from 5th grade and I know how she is when she has too many feelings going on at one time, she shuts down and doesn’t talk or share.  She pushes you away until she works out what she needed to and if you’re lucky you will get to hear her share how she feels.  Most of the time you didn’t. That was always reserved for Kara.   I can’t tell you how many times I use to lay in bed with her while she just sat there, tearless and just in horrible emotional pain and unable to share what she was feeling.  She would just sigh and say, “It’s just….” and she would start to tear up and suck it all back in.  It killed me that she use to do that.  I knew it wasn’t healthy, but it was how she got through.   She was telling her story yesterday and she cried and didn’t stop sharing.  She has grown up so much and I am so proud of her.   For My Rina Roo, I wish her the wings to fly, the voice to tell her story and the love she has finally found.

Okay, it’s time to get ready to open presents at Dan’s new house and then take my kids on a hike!

The State of Self…

Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random

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My doctor thinks I’m okay.  He said, “I’ll see you in class.” Without medication in me, he doesn’t need to make appointments.   It was kind of sad, but I am excited about being back in class and able to get more focused.   I did ask him about my old friend and he just smiled and said, “What would it hurt?”
Ohhhh, nothing except my brain, heart and mess up my whole freakin’ zen thing I got going over here.

I was listening to a bunch of old songs on Friday night (yes, that is what I do as a single person. I sit in my apartment and listen to old music and edit pictures on Friday night) and I had to keep listening to this one line over and over because I wanted to fully absorb it:

“Life is too short to have sorrow
You may be here today and gone tomorrow
You might as well get what you want
So go on and live, baby, go on and live” -Aaron Neville

I started thinking about my mom and her story. When Dan and I split up we sat on the phone for a couple of hours when she finally told me about how it ended with her first husband and the regret she carried. I’m glad for that conversation even though I swore she was just telling me so I wouldn’t leave my husband.  Sometimes I wonder if we glamorize the loves of our parents youth because it was such an innocent time? It was just young love and that shit is the most powerful thing on the planet.  If we could harness the energy from our first loves…we could seriously cure each and every crisis out there.
There doesn’t seem to be anything more powerful than love and loss.   Loss brings about a creative outlet that creates music, poetry and art that will rip through your soul.  The falling in love creates this addictive like drug in our system that makes us just stupid as hell.    That first love though, OUCH.
My friend, Kacy lost her husband this year.  It was one of those kinds of loves that you enjoy being able to see blossom.  Johnny loved her with every fiber in his being and it was that toe curling love.  He was never holding back his love for her and didn’t care if he looked like an idiot.   He loved like he knew that life was too short to have sorrow.

This very short life we have, we will have many people come and go.  They will judge you, they will hate you, they will be angry at you for not being in their life anymore.  There will also be people that will love you, support you and be grateful that you allow them your time.

I want to live guilt free, but I know that isn’t possible.  I’m so fucking guilty of hurting others, not being what they needed to be, for no longer being in their life.   I can’t feel that guilt anymore though. This life, is SO FUCKING SHORT and I want to be happy for the last tiny bit I have left.

So fuck it.  I’m going to live…

Dreaming

Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random

Every dream I have been having is about hiking.  The dream I just awoke from was about this beautiful canyon.   I was setting up our tent (which was HUGE and not the 1 man tent I have) and I tell Dan and Tabitha that I need the poles to spike. Dan brings me over my trekking poles and they are chewed off at the end.  I asked what happened and he told me ‘big ants ate them.’  That means something, i’m just not sure what.

I’m signed up for my snow shoe class.  As predicted, I got tired of waiting and signed up and I have a hockey friend of mine going with me.  What’s strange is that she is on my photo a day group and we run around in all the same circles, but we have never actually met in person.  Now we are signed up for a day long snowshoeing class and she’s joining me!  We are both into photography, hiking and getting outside more so this should be fun.  I signed up for a couple of trail runs too and I put them out there and people said they want to join me, but come race day I am sure I will be toeing up to the start line alone.

Today is my counseling session. There a couple things I want to talk to him about.  Recently someone I pushed out my life a million years ago has come back.   This has happened a few times in the past year and instead of holding on to that anger, I decided to let it go and listen to what they had to say. I have been blessed with being able to forgive them for what they did.  This is one of those opposite things though.  Even though this person isn’t asking for forgiveness from me.  They just want to hang out and catch up.
This person isn’t a ‘hang out and catch up’ kind of person in my life.  This is someone I have kept at arms length for 20 plus years.   I need to ask my therapist if I need to stop keeping this person in a box.  It’s so complicated he might tell me to run.  I think I would be sad if I did that though.  Weird.

My friend Amanda said, This sounds like it went from 2016 to 20KRISTINE.   I just wish the holidays were over and my new year was started already.

I think I will meditate the new year in with thoughts of letting go of the past.   Last night I heard a line, “every step forward begins with a foot firmly planted in the past.”
I was on a hike awhile back and I had one of those moments where things seem to make sense and I knew what I needed to do.  I needed to recognize when I KNEW I was doing something that wouldn’t benefit my future Self and stop focusing on the current Self.  There is something so powerful about the past and holding on to things you know aren’t good for you.  It’s a mistake I’m not ready to make…again.   Or am i?

 

Bittersweet

Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random

I decided I was finished waiting to see who would join me on my adventures for 2016 and decided to just sign up for them and if people want to tag along, they can do it. I am done waiting.

I signed up for my yearly Getty Owl run. I signed up for a 10k trail run and also a 10 mile trail run.  I want to use these races as a moving meditation session and get back what I put into them.
I am registered for my 2016 Mindful Meditation classes.  It sucked missing the last couple of classes last year, but I would never take back that trip to Vegas.  Boy we had fun!

The one race I signed up for, I have never done, but the trail is one I have done many times in the past and it’s not too overly hot and difficult.  I hope to finish it with the desire to want to go further next time.  I promised a friend I would go and visit them for my birthday, but this is so much more important to me in the aspect of staying on track for my mental checks.

This upcoming year is me getting back to where I need to be.  I want to read more, visit friends more, trail, hike, bike and meditate more.  Travel. I want to travel.   I guess that’s where I decided that if people want to tag along, good…because I don’t have time to wait for people to decide if ‘this or that’ is a good time for them.  It never works if you’re waiting for the perfect time to do something.   I did get to do a few of the hikes I wanted to do in 2015, but those were just warm ups for the big 40 in 4 trip.  Every time I think about it, I nearly pee myself.   To be able to spend 4 days doing the thing I love the most…omg….I almost just peed myself.

Travel will have to be limited in 2016.  I’m going to Utah with my dad. Crater Lake, Oregon with my hiking group and my Pacific Crest Trail hike.  That uses up about all the time my boss will allow me to leave without going into a crying fit.   I would like to make one last Disneyland trip with the girls before they decide I am no longer cool enough to hang with them.

Is Christmas really only a couple weeks away? *sigh*