Don’t you wish you were me?  Sporting a samsung 1 gig of music.  whoo. friggin. hoo.

DID YOU PLAY?

In a conversation with a online friend I had informed her that even though I had gone off the medication that if I ever felt that I needed help, I would get it. Even if meant that I had to go back on the medication.

Being able to commit to saying, “I am going back on medication.” isn’t something I am ready for.  A couple of weeks ago my daughter in law said something horrible things about me and my ‘drug problem’.
I was upset.
It took me a long time to even tell someone I had a problem. After that, it took a long time to finally get help for it.
When I did reach for help I was told that I was one of the top ten worst cases my therapist had treated.  The medication that had to be ‘worked through’; Which meant I had months of trying this type of medication to see it worked and when it didn’t, you up the dosage and start over again.
All of this just to feel ‘okay’.  Through all of this, I was honest with everyone. I told my friends and family, ‘this is my deal. i’m not alone’ … Taking the risk of looking crazy.

Being honest with people comes with risks.  You’re opening yourself up to people talking shit about you.  Like I said before, I understand it, I just didn’t expect it from family.
I’m not exactly certain if I was told that she had the ’same problem’ I had just to make me feel better or because she wanted to be able to connect with me…either way, it’s now clear, after the words that she said about me that she has never suffered with what I have.   With all honesty I say this, I am very happy she doesn’t have what I have because I wouldn’t wish this on ANYONE.

With all of the words and the emotions I went through after hearing them, it’s hard to say, “I need to get back on the medication.”
I enjoy being a part of the no pill community.

Weighing the feelings I have been battling with and the other things is what I am going through right now.  The pro’s and con’s of everything.  It’s not just the hurtful words that is holding me back from running to the doctor with my hair on fire, it’s a lot of things.
I can’t tell you how many times I have thrown my arms up in the air and said, “Fuck it.” this week alone. I am so damn tired of everything.  It’s the following thoughts that run through my head that make me think it’s time to either talk to someone or get back on medication.

Now you know.

*hair falling out*

Shea came into the bedroom the other day and without any prelude she asked, “Mom, am I going to die from global warming?”
It was an moment I could have siezed, as suggested by a Twitterer, and used with, ‘Yes, unless your room is clean.’
I didn’t though. I refrained from being the consistently cruel parent.  “No baby, global warming won’t have any effect on our lives for thousands of years. THOUSANDS of years…we have nothing to worry about.”

Her question made me wikipedia ‘global warming’.  I got the definition and read it to her so she would understand. Done. Who is the best parent? I AM.

And then…

I’m flipping through my Showtime movies I have access to for 2 more months and found the Al Gore movie, “An Inconvenient Truth”  I decided to record it for two of the lamest reasons ever. ever. ever. EVER.  1.) I saw Al Gore in 2000 in pair of jeans, drinking a beer and laughing…after losing the election. He somehow managed to still find some normalcy after a defeat. I admired that.  2.) He was on a late night show talking about the movie and he was SO excited about it. The next guy that was on said, “Yeah, he was trying to show me the damn slide show in the dressing room!” and they laughed.  Al Gore had passion about something and if I could spend an hour and half watching it, what did I have to lose?

Now, I am the first to admit that I am last one on a train.  This global warming thing wouldn’t have even been something I looked twice into if my daughter had not asked me if it was something she would die from.   I’m really living my life with my head shoved REALLY far in my ass that I don’t have a clue what is going on.

Dan, my ex-husband, has always been a forward thinker since the moment I met him.  When we bought our house he wanted with great conviction to have these ugly ass ’solar panels’ put on the top of our home. They were inexpensive and would ’store’ energy.  They were also ugly as sin, and would not be placed on TOP of my house or anywhere near my house. I mean, come on…how are those stupid black things going to store energy? Don’t you need like a power plant to do that? Hell our gas bill was only 30 bucks a month.
I have since admitted to him, “I was wrong. You were right.” and his chest puffed up and his head got so big it exploded.

Back in the 1980’s I watched a show on how by the year 2000 that gas was going to cost us $3.00 a gallon.  At that time, that was an outrage! People were PISSED that these people would ‘project’ that something so horrible would happen.  As a young kid, I was not effected by the show, but the fact that I remember that…it means something.   There was another show that freaked me about this weird thing called ‘green house effect’ and I thought, ‘why would people be building these green houses that are messing with the world?’
And I really thought I was doing my part to ’save the ozone’ layer by not using aerosol hairspray.

So, I watched the movie…and then I watched another…and now I am on my 5th documentary on EVERYTHING.

I’m just asking for hate mail on this one, but before you do that,  watch and research a both sides before you say, “It’s not real, it’s just hype.”  I am watching both sides and just going, “Whoa.”

Whoa.
Whooooooa.

Now I am asking myself, “DUDE, WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN AND WHY DIDN’T ANYONE SAY SOMETHING?” and what do I do to fix shit?
Maybe I can’t fix the ozone layer, but maybe being informed is enough so when I am faced with a decision I need to make, I can do it with some knowledge under my belt.
It also is hitting close to home as far as how can I change my life in a way that I can be proud of myself?

That is my brick wall that is stopping me from jumping on the train.  I’m trying people and for those of you that have been on the train and tootin’ the horn for everyone else to pay attention, I’m sorry…I wasn’t listening, but I am now.
Now to find a nice way to tell my daugther, “You might want to clean your room, because global warming is right on your ass.”

I joined “Curves for Women” today.  Yep, they had this 30 days for 30 bucks and since I have spent 30 bucks on stupid things like bad wine and leg warmers, I figured since I would pay a 11 year old to make sure I drank water for a month, I can spend my money wisely and try working out.

Guess what? I am the youngest person EVER when I am there.

Guess what? I got my ass beat down by some old women in New Balance shoes and “World Best Great Grandma” t-shirts.  If I am being 100% honest, I think one of those women was wearing the orthopedic shoes….they were brown and shiny.

So I am going to be kicking it REALLY old school for the next month. If I start saying stuff like, ‘nay sayer and geewizards’ you can officially stop reading my blog.

Brother Love’s Traveling Salvation Show - Neil Diamond

DID YOU PLAY? you did. How could you resist this week?

Me:”I was thinking about doing Sexual Healing…thus insuring I wouldn’t have to worry about having younger readers to my site ever again.”

Shaun: “or how about ‘Let’s See How Far We’ve Come’.” *wiggling eyebrows*

Me: “How about a picture of me and it could be, ‘The Last Beautiful Girl’.”

Shaun: “Or ‘Crazy’.”

In Tony! Toni! Tone!’s song, “If I Had No Loot” there is a line that my sister and I have been trying to figure out for years, but after we heard it one way, it’s nearly impossible to hear it any other way…

Through out the song, and in the beginning before the song starts, there is this echoey voice that says, or what I BELIEVE he says is, “And you can New Jack Swing on my Nuts.”
anyone? I have no idea what a new jack swing is and why anyone would want to do it on someone’s nuts. anyone?

**UPDATE**
What did we do before Google? Did we all just walk around like idiots?
I got my answer:
There’s also the great Cube line “It ain’t no pop cuz that sucks / and you can new jack SWING on my nuts” which would later be sampled by Tony! Toni! Toné! on “If I had no loot”.

Alrighty then, instead of SUCK IT, it is now: New Jack Swing on My Nuts!

This Friday will be my most favoritest of SPFs!  This whole month of May it’s going to be dedicated to music.

May 2nd is A SONG TITLE
May 9th is YOUR MP3 PLAYER (or Ipod for those that can afford such niceness)
May 16th is A LYRIC FROM A SONG
May 23rd is (SELF or SOMEONE) YOU IN MUSIC (playing an instrument, dancing, getting ready for a dance getting into music..whatever)
May 30th- YOUR TRIBUTE

Each week I’ll give you an example so you’re not totally lost.  For this weeks example visit the Stuff Portrait Friday page.

Prick.
Alright, I have a hat of things I want to talk about, and I keep writing and deleting. Writing and then deleting.

(i just wrote and deleted again)
Okay, *pursing lips*

I think.  I think. Hmmmm.

I think my ex-husband’s best friend thinks it’s okay for to make comments about me because I had an affair that ended my marriage with his best friend.   They aren’t mean comments to me, but suggestive.  As if, because I had an affair with my FIRST husband…that I might do it again.

It’s not okay.

Just because I ran my life head on into a brick wall ONCE, doesn’t mean I will do it again.

And there you go. Just ONE of the things that has made my day suck.  Now I am off to find that tank top with the scarlet letter on it.