Letter to Self

*inspired by Tracy Chapman – At This Point In My Life*

Dear Kristine,

At this point in my life
Ive done so many things wrong I don’t know if I can do right.
If you put your trust in me, I hope I wont let you down.
If you give me a chance I’ll try.
You see its been a hard road the road I’m traveling on
And if I take your hand I might lead you down the path to ruin.
Ive had a hard life I’m just saying it so you’ll understand
That right now, right now, I’m doing the best I can.

At this point in my life
Although Ive mostly walked in the shadows
I’m still searching for the light
Wont you put your faith in me,
We both know thats what matters
If you give me a chance I’ll try
You see I’ve been climbing stairs, but mostly stumbling down
I’ve been reaching high, always losing ground.
You see Ive conquered hills, but I still have mountains to climb.
And right now, I’m doing the best I can.
At this point in my life

Before we take a step,
Before we walk down that path,
Before I make any promises,
Before you have regrets,
Before we talk commitment,
Let me tell you of my past,
All Ive seen and all Ive done,
The things Id like to forget,

At this point in my life
Id like to live as if only love mattered,
As if redemption was in sight
As if the search to live honestly
Is all that anyone needs
No matter if you find it.

You see when Ive touched the sky
The earths gravity has pulled me down
But now Ive reconciled that in this world
Birds and angels get the wings to fly.
If you can believe in this heart of mine,
If you can give it a try,
Then I’ll reach inside and find and give you
All the sweetness that I have.


Dear Kristine,
I’ve read your words and I want to believe you because you have been so honest with me.
Truthfully, I’ve had a hard time with trust lately.
You say you’re afraid you’ll take me down the path to ruin if I take your hand, but if you would have looked over during your travels you would have seen that I’ve sort of been on the same path you’ve been on. I keep waiting for you to stop walking through fire to prove a point, but you not only walk over the coals into the flame, you stand there and let them eat at you. It’s sad to watch.  The only comfort I get out of it is knowing that eventually you see what you’re doing and you get out before the damage is reversible. Sadly, I see that maybe they weren’t healed wounds, but just faint scars that only I can see because I have been staring at them for so long.

You talk about the shadows you have walked in, Kristine.  There has never been anything that would cast a shadow on you. I am the one that has traveled in the shadows, waiting for you to realize that you’re stronger than all the hills you continue to climb, avoiding the mountains.

There is no need to talk of your past. If anyone knows about your strengths and weaknesses, it’s me. I’ve spent years with this little girl you use to be. Her beautiful hair dragging along the dirt as she  hung her head from the swing in the front yard letting the wind freeze her to the bone, refusing to wear a jacket because she wouldn’t be able to feel the sting of the air on her skin if she did.
Your teenage years were fun to watch as you experimented on how far you could push yourself and everyone around you. You learned your limitations quickly, but it never stopped you from pushing that line as you got older.
I remember the days when you would put your hand out the window and let the air glide your hand over the trees, over the hills, back down to earth again. I remember the laughter on your lips. The look you would get on your face when you were stumped by one of life’s questions or the smug look when you had insight to what was going through someone’s mind.
I was there when you were at that crossroad in your life when you had to make a choice.
You always struggled with the ‘what if’s’ in life. It never slowed you down as a wife, mother or a friend though.
I was sorry when your life came tumbling over itself. I was there though and I know you remember me. I was the one talking to you when you forgot how to breath.  There were days when you were just on auto-pilot. I knew you could always hear me though. You fought to get to where I was and sometimes I thought you would forget I was there because you would get so caught up in figuring it all out.
Once you settled into not knowing what path to take and just letting me lead the way, you seemed to do pretty good. Don’t get me wrong…you were still a major pain in the ass because you were so stubborn about everything.   Sometimes I would just let you think you were in charge then, but I knew I was doing a good job and you were happy.

You mentioned that you would like to live as if only love mattered. Kristine, you’ve always lived your life like that. Since March, 23rd of 1993, your life has been nothing but love. From the moment you saw your fist daughter you lived life as if nothing in the world mattered more than making life full of love for her. Again on January 7th, 1997 you fell in love again. Remember how your heart nearly exploded with love when you looked at your second daughter?  And if that wasn’t enough you were allowed to have love lead your way on May 15th of the next year.
Have you forgotten so quickly what your purpose in life was the moment you looked at them?  I didn’t think so. You’re smarter than that.
You don’t need redemption, you just need to remember again and again, every single day that love you felt when you thought there was no more room in your heart for love, but found more with each passing day.
Now, here is my promise to you;
If you take my hand and let me lead the way, forgetting all this other petty bullshit that you seem to think is so damned important, I will remind you every single day that you are good, beautiful & worthy. These are all the things that you are think are untrue. You think you’re not good, not beautiful, not worthy. I’m here to tell you that you are and if you PROMISE me that you’ll listen to me when I remind you every day that you are that I will find you those wings so you can fly.

I believe in that heart of yours
And will give you a chance.

You deserve that chance…at this point in your life.