It was 6am when my alarm went off and instead of having that hostage negotiation talk with my alarm clock and phone, I decided to get up and write.   There was a time when I didn’t schedule a time to purge through writing, I just sat down and did it.  Man I miss those days.

Today is June 1 and the way I see it, the first day of June is Summer. The last day of August is the last day of summer.
Welcome to the first day of Summer. I have 13 weekends to do all the stuff I want to do this summer.  It sounds daunting when I actually write it down. That’s not a lot of weekends and I have A LOT of stuff I want to do.  I am still very conscious of ‘TIME’ and how important it is and to not over commit to things.

Things I want to do this summer:
CAMP! I want to go camping A LOT.
Travel to places I have never seen.
Camp. Did I mention camping? I want to do that. a lottt. camp. yes.
It’s going to take a calendar and a plan of action.

Fuck. I suck at this. I got distracted by the boy getting ready for school and needing help getting his stuff ready.  I will try again tomorrow. Good thing no one reads this anymore.

I had the best birthday in the history of birthdays!

I ran my ‘Birthday Race’ and beat my time from last year by 15 minutes. That is huge for me.

After the race everyone gathered at my new place and we had a BBQ. I was surrounded by my friends and family. My travel agent and best friend both bought me my favorite whiskey (Red Breast). One bottle was gone within an hour and I only got a small glass. :(

My travel agent was so charming and everyone told me afterward that they loved him and understood why I liked my Ireland meetings so much.  
My mom and sister made it along with Dale’s mom, dad and son. Dan and the girls and my close friends came.

So Ireland!?!? Everything is paid for, booked and confirmed. It seems like it’s forever before Dale and I leave in September now that everything is done and just ready for us to get on a plane and go. Every week we meet and go over some important things we need to know about traveling in Ireland.  Last week it was driving.  I told Dale that I would pay for the rental and the insurance if he drove.  There is something frightening about driving on the opposite side of the road in a manual.  I think the first couple of days we will probably be laughing so hard as we figure it out.  We get a good laugh over just about everything though.  It’s going to be the trip that kicks off all our other trips in the future.  We are already talking about Italy next.

There isn’t a day that doesn’t go by that I don’t say, “I love my life.”    I bought a book to write in and I write down my favorite moment of the day.  Most of them are because of J.  He is an amazing man with so much love, respect and kindness that I have missed for more years than I can remember. I love the look on his face when I get home from work. He greets me with a smile, a kiss and “i missed you” almost every time.  My heart skips just thinking about it.
My sister loves him and I realized why they get along so well.  They are both very much alike when it comes to their heart. They make sure you are smiling, happy and taken care of.  The rest of my family will meet him in May and I know they will love him too.
My two best friends, Birdie and Dale think he’s a good match for me too. The best part is that my girls agree that he is amazing and love him too.

Work has been about the same.  Every day I get to learn something new about vehicles.  The 39 is coming along well and only needs a few more things before it hits the road and we bring in another to be completed. I know how lucky I am to have such an amazing boss and work place.  My co-workers are the best and I adore all of them.

 
Life is good

Of hot icky heaven

It’s been a good long time since I have updated anything.

With the election going on, I removed myself from Facebook and only post pictures of hiking.  I am excusing myself from all the hatred floating around social media.

Last week I got that bitch of a cold going around. I was certain I had the flu from the way I felt the first day, but on day 3 it turned into that head cold and cough.  It’s been miserable, but I managed to get a few hikes in the past week.  Last night we did our first night hike of the season and I had a minor panic attack. I didn’t have my normal head lamp and it was really dark out there. I also made the mistake of taking a trail I wasn’t familiar with.  Getting back to the car was heaven!! There is definitely more work on my end that needs to be done before I do that again!!

My social life is status quo.  I am seeing someone, but we are keeping it relatively quiet. Only our friends and family are privy to the information of the relationship until we are ready to go public, but I don’t see that happening anytime soon as we are okay with it being the way that it is right now.  

The weekends have been busy with hiking the soggy trails in Auburn. It’s been fun because I have been getting more friends out there and it makes for amazing memories and conversations.

This time next year I will be Ireland. We have our second meeting with our travel agent next week and we will have hopefully picked out the accomodations that we can agree on. So far my choices have been on the lower priced places, except for the castle. The castle where we will be staying is the most expensive and will take some saving!!  

I got my second tattoo a couple weekends ago. It’s the match I have been thinking about getting for a year.  It comes from a saying, “You don’t have to catch yourself on fire to keep others warm.”  I tend to give all of myself at the risk of losing myself and it’s not something I want to do anymore.  There is also a song with the lyric; “I’ve only got one match, but I can cause an explosion.”  I tend to do that too…and burn myself out. I’m an Aries fire sign.  The match was exactly all the things into one single one.
I was joking with my mBFF the night we went out and we said, “Yeah, we will probably end up at the tattoo place next to where we are eating.” and we did.  He said, “I’ll get the same tattoo as you.”  I couldn’t understand why he would want to get a match, it made no sense.  “Because then we will have MATCHing tattoos.”   He actually did it. We now have matching tattoos of a match.

My aunt passed away this month. I am sad, but glad she is will all those that she loves now. My heart hurts for my mom who has lost all but one brother now.

Kara passed her exam and is a licensed cosmetologist now.  

Life is going great here.

What a great weekend!

This weekend I got to see Lindsey Stirling in concert. Holy shitballs is that woman one talented creature!

I heard of her through a hockey friend about 4 years ago and became an instant fan.  She has this fluid way of playing and moving that is magical to watch.  In person, it was one of those things you watch and shake your head because it is unreal.

My other friend is also fan and about 6 months ago I told him that she was going to be playing in a town near us. He waited too long to get the tickets and they sold out.  When she came up again near by I let him know again so he wouldn’t miss out on getting the tickets and he swooped up and got the first available. Unbeknownst to me, he got me a ticket too!  I just didn’t realize how far Fresno was away from me.

Sunday was spent recovering from Saturday’s long drive, concert, Jack and Coke and long drive back on Sunday.   It was fun and I was glad I was able to go.

It’s Monday and I am well rested, but not wanting to go to work. I want to hang out at my place and get stuff organized.  By the end of the day I am so tired, I just want to go to sleep.  It’s time to just pack my work out gear in my trunk and hit the gym before I even step in my front door.
Summer is coming to an end I feel like I missed too much of it, but grateful because I did get to cultivate and nurture friendships that I set aside for one reason or another.  Because of the BS with E, I found I have a pretty good friend in someone that he insisted I was sleeping with.  Okay, so he thought I was actually sleeping with everyone…but this was the one that started the whole thing because of a stupid comment on a facebook status from 3 years ago.
I’m learning that friends are more important to me than I gave them credit for….but sometimes I have to understand that not everyone is my friend.  Some people don’t want my friendship at all. Some people want more and some just don’t get me.
I have to accept that and just move on.
Right now…friendship is all I have to give.

Midori’s Celebration of Life BBQ

It’s been a week and a half and it’s still hard to write about.
Last Tuesday I was suppose to go to my weekly mBFF friend dinner, but he couldn’t get back to Sacramento in time and we decided to put it off until next week.  This is the part where everything got weird.  I have a notfriend/friend guy I knew from my hockey days and I had sent him a facebook message letting him know that everything he was writing about our friend, Midori was spot on and exactly how it feels.  He opened up about how he was struggling with losing his friend.  He asked if I wanted to go with him to see her and her husband tonight with him.  I knew these were her final days with her family, but was also told that she was no longer responsive…we were just waiting at this point.  After insisting that he ask our friend (her husband) if it was okay to go and getting the thumbs up, we headed out.
I still can’t write about it because I want to cry.
I can’t.
There was a point in the night when I looked around the room at the six of us, Midori in her hospice bed not responsive, eyes closed, labored breathing….her husband who has been with her since he was 19 years old.    There was 6 of us in that room the night before she passed on and I honestly believe she hand picked each one of us to be there.  I knew when I was listening to the stories and how we were making Midori’s husband laugh (a promise I made to her when I got to say my goodbye to her “we will make him laugh for you”)  Her purpose for having us there was that we were the select few that were strong enough to deal with what was to come and we could bring Jon laughter.  We did not fail.
During a serious part of the night when Jon’s phone was blowing up with texts and he said, “This thing has been going off all day!”  I rolled my eyes and said, “Oh Mista. Popular with all his phone calls and texts…how ever did we get so lucky to be able to hang out with you tonight!?”  Everyone laughed because it was such an odd moment to be cracking jokes, but everyone else joined in on picking on Jon about something or other and the mood was lightened.   Some other crazy stuff happened that night and because of the people that were there we managed to crack jokes through a really horrible situation.
She picked us to be there that night. I know this and I am honored I was one of those people that got to say goodbye to her.  I also know that the notfriend/friend is now a friend.  He was someone I judged very wrong and I told him that. He said “same.”  She saw something in both of us and loved us, there is no way after what we went through that night that I can’t call him my friend now.
Midori was all light and all love and it’s so fucking unfair that she’s not here.  The other day I was going through my “Facebook – on this day” memory and Midori had posted this incredibly awesome post on my wall talking about what a good friend I was to her…and I swear it was it was OTHER WAY AROUND.  That woman made everyone she knew a better person and I told her that all the time.  There were many times I would just send her a message and say, “I need prayer” and that woman would send me the most amazing message back that would lighten my heart and know that things were going to get better.
I still can’t. I can’t cry about this anymore.
I just can’t…but here I am. Crying.

Okay Okay Okay…enough.

People come into your life for a reason and I keep wondering why my past came to visit me in the second half of my life and I keep getting gentle reminders. This weekend I met this young kid who was hanging out at the trash bin at my apartment complex. I struck up a conversation with him and found that he was homeless and doing some couch surfing to get out of his hometown of Stockton because he got into drugs and he didn’t want that lifestyle for him and his dog. We talked for a good 30 minutes and we shared stories. I explained some of the things I had just recently went through and as I was describing some of the things that happened he was shaking his head yes. He said, “He was on meth. That was me and that is classic meth behavior.” I asked him if he would ever be able to look back and know that what he thought was real was just a delusion. He didn’t know because he’s not sure what was real and what was made up in his world when he was in it.
He told me that the story I told him will steer him in the direction he needs to be going. His stories will remind me that there is goodness in everyone and if you want it bad enough, you can overcome the most evil in this world…you just need your reasons. I was not reason enough to leave meth alone.

I lost my father in law recently and went to his celebration of life. Seeing his family and telling the girls about how it went got us all to talking about stories from their youth. Alyx talked about how when she was little and she was sick that Shaun was always there to help take care of her. We laughed about stories of when all the kids were sick and we had the washing machine going non stop. We tag teamed sleeping and making sure the kids were taken care of. It was the first time in a long time that I got to hear good stories and not the sad ones. It’s been a very long time since they even spoke of that time in our lives. The girls are excited about reconnecting with Jessie. I am so impressed with how well the young kids have been raised. They are all such amazing kids in that family. I also got to see my Gma Billie. I longed for the times when we could sit at the table and talk for hours and listen to her and Gma Baland’s stories. She touched my face like she always did and said, “I never forgot you and think of you often. I miss our long phone calls.” I promised to come see her and listen to her talk. Sharon, of course, carried herself with a spine of steel. Watching the family move around the room and comfort others even though they were the ones broken with sadness was incredible to watch and made my heart break for them all. Seeing Shaun tell stories and his voice crack made me cry. Knowing how much he loved his dad and he was now gone, just heartbreaking. It killed me to see pictures. I loved that man SO very much and I am so mad that I waited so long before I called and talked to them again. I’m also glad that I did get that time to tell him all the things I never got to say.
Despite the circumstance, Shaun looked happy and supported. I’m glad because he does so much for others, i’m glad he’s not alone in the world.

I move out of Rocklin at the end of the month. Time to start new adventures. This is one of my gentle reminders from the past. E told me that it was sad that I was in this dark box of an apartment all alone. I didn’t see it before and always thought of it as my sanctuary, but maybe he was right. Time to get out and meet new people and start living.

2017 I go to Ireland with my mBFF and that will hopefully spark a bunch more trips for both of us. We both need to get out and do things with people that don’t expect more than what we can give them. I’m not ready for a relationship. Do I want to be with someone and in love? Absolutely, but it’s not the right time for me. I am still processing a lot of shit that I never processed.

I went to Redding this weekend and my sister and I had couple of nice hikes.

We went to some waterfalls up in Mt. Shasta and then made our way over to a lake to walk off our lunch.
We came across this bridge that a bunch of kids were jumping off of. There was this young blonde girl and her boyfriend standing on the edge. She laughed and let go.  He jumped in right after her.  I walked to the edge to see the two had entangled in an embrace and were kissing.  Tears instantly filled my eyes.  
E use to talk with such love when he spoke of our time as kids when we would jump off the cliffs of Whispering Waters back behind my old house.  The last time he was out there he said he could smell us out there.  I didn’t fully understand what he meant. There was no way our scent had stuck around for 25 years for him to smell.  As I stood out there and watched the couple swim off to the island I took a deep inhale of air.  I could smell my youth.  It was the smell of sunshine, warm pine needles and wet skin.  Yes, I could smell us.
The lump in my throat showed me that despite knowing that it was an unhealthy relationship and I am better off, that need for my innocence to not be sullied by what happened was something that still hurt.

I finally had that conversation with my daughter.  She laughed and cracked jokes. I didn’t really expect anything different, but it sucked having to tell her those things.

When I think about it now I have to keep telling myself that I am grateful for this time and be happy that I got to love with 100% of my heart one more time. I didn’t leave anything left unsaid. I made some amazing memories that I will carry with me until I die.

Being up there was harder than even I had prepared myself for. Passing the exit off of I-5, looking at the moon and stars…just about everything was a reminder.  It will get easier and I told myself that a million times when I was there, “I will forget all the little details someday and everything will be fine.”

I know, you’re sick of hearing it as much I am saying it…cry me a river, right?

Had dinner with the bestest of friends.

It had been about 13 years since we all hung out and my beautiful friend, Lisa was more than thrilled to have both of ‘her boys’ at dinner.  
We made our way over to the Tree and it was so weird to see the changes they have made to the place, but it still looked and felt the same.
We sang along with Jerry when he sang Family Tradition and even danced when he sang Margaritaville. So many amazing, wonderful and beautiful memories of hanging out with my crew from when I was in college.
Lisa rode from dinner with Dale and she said, “He values your friendship so much.”  It made me feel good too.  If we were allowed to pick one person in this world to be a sibling, he would have been my brother. Hell, we would have been twins!  
We are planning a trip to Vegas at the end of September to see Lionell Richie. Well, *I* am going to see Lionell, he’s going to hang out with my friend Sammy and do some pub crawling.
That’s the only downfall to Las Vegas trips is that I want to spend the whole time with my brother and sister in law.  The last time we went, I had the BEST trip of my life.  The best times were when we were in the truck driving somewhere singing Uptown Funk or some Jason Derulo song.  It’s when I am with my family that I have some of the greatest laughs.

This trip I will get to see them a little bit, but I keep promising to go hang out with Sammy and she keeps calling me on me being flaky.
In my defence, I work Monday through Friday and I did take an unexpected vacation.  I am dreading having to tell Bruce that I am going to take a Friday and a Monday off for this one, but I am giving a couple months warning.
Next year I am going to have to tell him I am taking 2 weeks to go to Ireland.  That will go over like a fart in church.

Staying positive lately. Last night I got ANOTHER call about something that was said about me and my daughter from a friend. I’m going to have to tell her about the rumor that he spreading. I had hoped my conversation with him years ago and the one recently would have cleared up the problem, but that clearly isn’t the case.
He’s also saying some pretty wicked things about me in a class he is in and it’s getting relayed back to my brother. I wish it would just stop, but he’s mentally unhealthy and it’s not worth the trouble to ask him to stop. If there is one thing I could go back and undo it would be staying in contact with him and letting him back into my life.  A mistake I will never make again. Ever.