This was the first piece of pizza I have had in probably 4 months. Actually this is the first piece of bread I have had in that long.
So what made me finally cave in? too tired to NOT eat it.
Last night I packed up my bye-bye bag and headed to Lodi to hang out with some of my sky friends. The combination of people was screaming trouble, and I was game to get into a little of it.
Since I’ve lost weight, I think my alcohol tolerance has gone to zero. I use to be able to have a few glasses of wine and be able to hold my own. The last time I went out, I had one drink and a beer and I was praying the prayer, “make the spinning stop and i swear, never again will I just start mixing whatever I find in the counters and adding ice. For the love, I AM NOT A BARTENDER!”
This time I knew that I wouldn’t be able to pull off the normal couple of glasses and be cool so I paced myself. Sha. That worked. NOT.
One glass of wine and I was finished.
The night was fun though. I sleep on feather down goodness so leaving my house knowing I wasn’t going to be creeping back home to climb in my comfortable bed is always a challenge. I brought my pillow, blanket and the robe and my comfy cozies. It was a girls night in and of course where there are girls in jammies with a huge bottle of wine…there are boys!
How I managed to get suckered into watching Taladaga Nights should be proof that I had a half a glass of wine too much.
The night officially came to a end at 4 in the morning on the couch and was up at 7am to get ready to head out to the dropzone.
Yes, it wasn’t a well thought out plan. I see that now.
It took me until 2pm to peel myself off the couch at the dropzone and painfully make my way home.
This was a really weird year of my life and the ending was no different than the whole damn thing.
Tonight my friends are coming over here and I am going to do my best to bring in 2011 with more laughter. After last night and all the laughing I did, I might need to do some crack to stay awake!
I love this life, it’s crazy and messy and beautiful all at the same time. I have been blessed and I realized this week, I am going to be juuuust fine.
The new year is right around the corner and I am giddy with excitement!
I’ve decided to change so much in my life and even though many of them are already in motion, the new year is the rock solid date fora few of them. Prepping for the new year has been challenging, but I am ready.
I’ve decided that I am letting go of all that anger and resentment I have been carrying with me. The first part of that is forgiving myself. This is the hardest part.
I got a facebook message from a reader and she opened up to me and her words have had a healing effect on me since then. I took what she said and I turned it around in all different directions, much like trying to figure out a puzzle piece and how it fit into my life. The words were from the heart and it was a part of the paying it forward part of this blog. I say that because when I started writing here, it was for nothing more than keeping my mother and sister updated on what was going on. It was a carry over for another blog I had. Where this blog has gone has been amazing. I have been contacted by readers through out the years with questions and recommendations. They have been there when I had a question I couldn’t figure out for myself. This comes from the brutally honest way that I have written and how open I have been. There were people in my life that said to stop writing and telling people all the stuff I was going through. Looking back through the years, I don’t regret my honesty because from it, I have gotten more than I could have given.
This reader was catching up and because of something I was going through, she felt she could share with me. I am so lucky she did because it has allowed me to look at the way I want to live my life for the following years.
The part of forgiving myself comes from that very message. In order to be loved, I have to love myself. People will come into my life that can’t love me because they don’t love themselves. I can’t fix the second one, but I can fix the first one.
Being honest with what I tell myself.
The other day I put that into action and this whole taking what you’re saying and REALLY looking at it and questioning it is hard work. It was so hard that I decided that I am not telling myself anything anymore because 90% of it isn’t really true.
If you haven’t gone to www.thework.com and filled out the ‘judging your neighbor’ form, do so. The reality of how what I say has such an impact is brought into light.
The end result of the ‘relationship’ part, I came the conclusion that without the things I was worried about, telling myself and feeling I wouldn’t be holding myself back from true happiness. I would be amazing again.
You would think that would be something that people should just know, but I guess not. I’m not stupid in any way, shape or form (except directionally) and getting to the question, “imagine what your life and what you be like without that thought.”
It was at the end I decided to forgive myself.
Because I am forgiving myself, it’s okay to forgive the other people in my life. Does this mean they have a place in my life? No. They don’t. That is now something that will have to be earned.
I’m excited about the woman I am becoming. You would think by now I would be the woman I am going to be for the rest of my life. SOOOOooo not the case! My sister is an example I am proud to have. She is willing to use this next year to do some of the things she said she would never do and in the process of doing that, she’s changing. Supporting her means that I change too. Because I am willing to do other things, there are people in my life willing to follow me.
Last night was great. I looked at the pictures that were taken and I look genuinely happy. This morning on the way to work when I have such a long trip and time to pull out boxes of the things I think about, I recognized some of my old thought patterns and I stopped. I looked at what has been bothering me and how it wears on me emotionally.
I don’t want to be angry anymore. Just saying, “it’s okay if people in my life are not in the same place.” has been a source of relief. Not everyone is courageous, not brave enough to make the changes to be truly happy…not willing to dig deep in themselves and remember what makes them happy and run towards it without hesitation because they feel they will be rejected. Not everyone can do that and it’s no reflection on me.
I’m getting there. Thanks for following along and pushing forward on your own path.
I admitted to someone the other day, “I’m the only person left on the road that still has a cassette tape player and not a CD player.”
This was only one of many admissions of the person I am.
Since I have the damn thing, I figured I would buy some tapes. The only one I have listened to is Def Leppard. Over and over again.
I’m not a ‘retro’ type of person, but I tend to embrace what I have. I have a tape player, I have cassettes, I have a two hour commute to work and home. I am rocking the hell out of my rewind and fast forward buttons and smiling about it. Yes, it’s stupid…but this is my life and I’m not mad about it at all. Don’t get me started on the speakers! :)
Tonight is my best friends birthday. I didn’t get to spend it with her last year and I’m really excited about ending this year with all kinds of new things in my life. Instead of spending our evening at the local haunt, I’m going to try one out that she liked to go to when she lived in her house. They have swing dancing and I can ‘fake’ a mean swing dance and her boyfriend actually knows how to dance. More than likely I will try to sit back and take it all in as some of our sky friends are coming out and I don’t want to look TOO stupid. I have an image to uphold. HAHAHHA.
I’m getting excited about this new year coming up. I’m making my list of the things I want to do for myself and some of the things I am doing in support of others and it looks pretty good so far.
Kara got her outfit for Lady GaGa, and I really hope she can go. I wanted to be able to provide her with the tickets to her concert that just happens to be on her 18th birthday. She has her ‘concert buddy’ and I am so glad that later in life she will have some amazing memories of her concerts with her girlfriend.
She’s also getting her costume ready for her New Years Rocky Horror Picture Show she’s going to.
I’m amazed by her. If only I was half as cool as she is!!
She’s talked me into the 365 Picture A Day thing. I sucked at it last year, but I am willing to give it another shot.
Supporting my sister:
10k run. Climbing Mt. Lassen and quitting smoking Jan. 1.
Supporting my daughter:
Let go and move on.
Do The Work.
Be okay with who is in my life and how long they will be here.
It’s not much, but it’s a start.
I didn’t write a letter last year.
This year I will.
I was way hotter than 2009 right? Because 2009 was a total dick to you and I was really good to you. I mean, other than that whole heart break thing. My bad, i’m sorry. You weren’t ready. He wasn’t ready. You two just seemed to be an unstoppable force and I just let it ride. I figured I would let 2011 deal with it.
Let’s recap. You uh…well..hmm. Shit, sorry. WAIT, I got one, your divorce was finalized! You lost your house. Again, sorry about that.
You made a new friend. crap, that was 2009.
Okay, fine. Truth be told, I sucked too huh?
Well, if you’re going to look at me like that, i’m leaving! Good luck with 2011, i’m sure he will treat you better than I ever could.
This year was a quiet one. As I type, Alyx is playing downstairs with her new Ipod touch and the other two are playing Family Feud on the Wii.
I knew it was going to be a year with no gifts for me as I am as single as they come, so I bought myself a pair of new heels, 2 more sweaters…as if I need another one and a book I have been waiting to go to paperback so I can afford it. Instead of waiting, I downloaded it when I installed Kindle on my phone.
My mom and sister have been asking me to give them book suggestions since I gave them, “Water for Elephants” and they loved it. My book tastes range and I can read a book in a day. At one point, I can have 3 books going at once. Right now I am in the middle of “Unbearable Lightness” and “Love, Lust and Faking it”.
Both books are awesome, but I am finding that I love the way that Jenny McCarthy writes. It’s like reading a letter from a friend you’ve known for years and isn’t afraid to say what she is thinking. I can’t imagine who that sounds like. Me, just in case you didn’t figure it out.
I got to the part of the book where she talks about having sex with someone beneath her level. Yes people, there are leagues..and we are all in one. For example, there is this amazingly hot guy I know. I’ve gotten to the point where I am tempted to remove him from my facebook friends because whenever he uploads a picture, I feel naughty for the amount of time I stare at it.
I’m telling you, being single fucks with my head. When I am in a relationship, no one but that person exists. When they say, “Blindly in love” they were talking about me. Much like the book i’m reading, Brad Pitt, George Clooney and the guy from True Blood could have walked naked into my room and if I was with the man I was in love with, I would have said, “Brad, move your ass you’re blocking the TV and Colbert Report is on!”
I’ve also dated beneath my league. Which gets me to the second part of the book where she is talking about Booty calls.
This whole term was straight from the ghetto slang handbook I was not privy to until I got into college. “Hook Up”? what the hell was that? My much younger boyfriend was the first to introduce me to ‘booty call and ‘hooking up’. In return for his immaturity, I learned a new one ‘revenge sex’. My college years were not something I can say I was proud of, but a few good things came from it. I learned what a booty call was.
There is something extremely hot about the thought of driving across town and be fed dinner in front of a fake fireplace and then having sex on his thrift store couches…and then leaving. This went on for awhile and then he got fed up with me leaving afterward and something happened when he asked me to stay the night with him. It took everything in me to not put my shoes on and leave afterward. The fact that his bed wasn’t really a bed, but a futon mattress on a bunch of boxes only had half to do with it. Sleeping over meant that we were taking our three time a month thing to another place I wasn’t comfortable with.
Long story short, I married my booty call. We threw out his mattress and he moved in with me.
For those of you paying attention and taking notes; DO NOT MARRY YOUR BOOTY CALL GUY.
So here I am again, single again and having to get use to the idea of either never having sex again or just being with someone for a few hours. The thought of being in a relationship scares the living shit out of me. Oh who am I kidding, having sex with someone new scares the shit out of me. Just talking about having sex with someone new scares me. I’m just scared I think.
I’ve been lucky in the last couple years about getting real. Ending friendships that have outlived their expiration dates, purging the toxic people out, getting real about what I want and what I know I deserve in this life. Now that ‘getting real’ thing is either going to go wonderful or horribly wrong. I’ve decided to open my life back up to letting people in and with that comes the Truth and Lies. The truths we tell or keep to ourselves and lies we have to tell to keep someone interested. I told myself I’m not ready to play any games, but with dating it happens.
For example; I’m not telling people I skydive. Telling a potential date that I skydive is like telling them I am a stripper. It’s pretty cool and exciting…at first. Then you realize that this person lives a completely different life than the rest of the world and you don’t have a part in it. If you open your mouth and suggest they change, you’re an asshole.
So, this is a lie. I’m not being honest, so it’s a lie.
The subject of ex’s will come up at some point. These are more stories I am not willing to share. What happened in my past relationships built who I am today. Besides, do you really tell the guy you’re interested in, “oh the last guy I was in love with said i’m clingy, smothering and caused him resentment!….Ohhh yeah, I’m a keeper!” I guess the fact that I wrote that and i’m googleable, it’s now out there. Yep, that’s me…
the truth in all it’s uglyness. I am everything a man would run the opposite direction from…unless you’re freaking crazy and sorry, my days of being with ‘crazy’ ended when he walked out the door a year and half ago.
So that leaves me what I do want. The more guys I talk to, the more cynical I find myself though. There’s this one guy that seems like a good enough guy, but he does yoga. Really? Yoga?. Well, at least he was honest, unlike me who won’t admit she skydives. I think the only reason I find him remotely attractive is that he reminds me of an ex boyfriend I had once a long time ago. Dear God, what is wrong with me and red heads? When I read the books as a little girl, prince charming wasn’t a red head. He was tall, dark and handsome. There is something about the fact that they can only be in the sun for a little while. It’s like dating a gremlin. It’s dangerous and thrilling at the same time. What happens if I get him wet and feed him twinkies after midnight? Oh the challenge of dating one is intoxicating!
Regardless, I am seeing what I see in the type of men I am attracted to and within the first few conversations, I’m done. “I only like him because he looks like…”, or “Never married, but has no baggage?…you scare me more than a guy divorced 3 times!” The conversations I have had in my head are hysterical to say the least. I’m picky. WAY too picky for my own right. I know I don’t deserve to be this picky.
So I have friends that are helping through this part in my life. They are teaching me how to build the right kind of walls. One is trying to teach me how to flirt again. It’s amazing, once you stop flirting, you tend to forget how.
No really, at this point if Brad, George and True Blood guy came in my room naked, my first reaction as a single girl would be, “You, the one with the shlong, there is this massive spider in my bathtub, please kill it. You with the abs, I have a shelf that needs to go up. And you with hot ass, come over here because I am freezing cold and my ass needs a warm back to heater up to!”
My sister’s bucket list keeps changing and I have to say, I’m okay with it. She decided that she wanted to try skydiving, which I have to say…I SUPPORT. She also said she wanted to run a marathon and hike a mountain. Last two…not so much. Gotta say.
I don’t want to be a bad sister, but I have talked her down from the marathon and into a 10k and hiking Mt. Lassen this summer. She has agreed. I started training and she is blessed by God with the ability to be able to pull that inner strength from her elbows or something and do it without any sort of effort. She’s kind of a bitch that way.
Last night I started the preparations for the mountain. I’ve climbed it twice before and I have to say, it sucks. I complained the whole way up. I’m not much of an, “oh look, a bird, listen to the sounds of nature, oh that view is amazing” kind of girl. I’m more of a ‘Get me to the top of this thing, cross it off your damn bucket list and let’s go get a freaking drink and hot bath!” kind of girl.
I realize that the treadmill isn’t the ideal way to prepare for the hike. This isn’t a shocking realization for me since I will actually wait for the one treadmill that is located directly under the air conditioner and the fan so I don’t over heat. Something tells me that I won’t be so lucky while climbing that mountain. I did a level 13 incline for 3.5 miles last night. Today, I am in a touch of pain.
While on the treadmill trying to look like I wasn’t going to pass out, I had a friend texting me and I have to say, the looks I was getting as I burst into laughter were not good. It could have been the “Jump Bitches. Team Dock a Ho” t-shirt I was wearing in addition.
Today, as tired as I am, I feel fantastic. Yes, freedom gave me a right hook to the jaw, but I am coming back with a round house!
I was having the most beautiful dream last night.
There was this beautiful lake and I was surrounded by people I adore. The sun was so hot it was stinging my skin and I walked up on this plank that over looked the lake. Everyone was joking as if they were going to push me in, but before they could make their way to me, I began to run and when my feet left the plank and hit the cold water I was filled with this amazing, joyful feeling.
I grabbed at the weeds at the bottom of the lake and pulled my legs down and pushed off from the rocky bottom and pushed my way out of the water.
It wasn’t anything like the feeling when your feet leave the door of an airplane, but it had that same feeling of joy I get.
When I woke up I felt like I understood what I wanted more than anything I have ever wanted. No, not to go swimming or go skydiving (even though, either one of those sounds fabulous right now) I want that feeling of complete freedom.
No one stopping me from realizing what I know is good for me, and that includes myself. I’ve said it before, and it always rings true. I tend to get in the way of my happiness. Block my own bliss.
You know that moment when you stop holding on to something that isn’t right for you and you’re rewarded tenfold? That is how I feel right now. I keep letting go and just when I feel those blessing start coming in, I turn around and grasp onto what is safe.
When my feet left the plank, there was nothing to hold on to and I was rewarded greatly.
Ready to jump!
Every day there is one more thing that reminds me that I need to do just this.
Today is just another ‘every day’.
I keep making the steps to do just this, and then I make the foolish mistake of taking 19 steps backward.
Today. Today is the last day I will do that.
It’s been two years of saying, “Next year will be better.” This year, this one is mine. I’ve made my resolutions and I’m sticking to them.
2011 I will be too busy to worry about what anyone else thinks. 2011 will be full of new, beautiful things.
Before this DAY is over, I will let go of all of it and be done with it…I need to make room and practice for 2011.
Kara had a rerun of this show on and the main character said, “We make boundaries and we find out that they don’t keep people out, they keep us boxed in.”
I think the lesson I have forgotten that I held so dear to me is that this life of ours, it’s short. In the big picture of things, we are only here for a short time. Kara said, “In 90 something days…I’m going to be 18 years old.” It was another reminder of how quickly our time here is. It wasn’t that long ago that I was looking at her little baby fingers in the hospital and in awe of how delicate she was. Now those hands are creating beautiful things, driving a car and holding the hand of the man she loves. This life goes by so fast. What am I doing with each day of it?
Lately I haven’t been doing enough. This last week has been spent stressing about Alyx being so sick. There isn’t anything I can do to help her but watch her and make sure she’s breathing. It’s frustrating as hell.
In between stressing about Alyx, I have been stressing about Christmas.
Again…did I do enough? get enough? will the girls be happy or disappointed on Christmas morning?
I’ve also been reading the bible. It’s a hard task to break through the walls I have built up about organized religion. His word use to soothe me and give me hope. There will be a break through, I know there will be. Right now, I am trying to not question the words I am reading. The reminder that I need peace in this life is around me every day. I want happiness again and I have failed to find it on my own.
Patrick left for home to visit his family for the holidays. Kara is sad and I understand that feeling of void she has. The difference is she knows the man that loves her is coming home soon. Until then though, she looks like me. She’s just a shell of the woman she is when he’s around. She has a purpose when he’s near.
In a few days she will find her footing again and will find her smile again.
I’m still finding my footing, but I keep stumbling. My smiles and laughter will be back soon too.
That’s really all I want for Christmas. To laugh. To smile. To have hope that I can stop getting in my own way of happiness.
and a pair of jumper cables too.
Tomorrow is Tabitha’s birthday.
I keep wanting to write something really nice for her, but I was rereading some of the post with her in it and I think I have said it all.
When I write my book, her chapter will be called. “I hated her. She sucked. We became friends. I love her.”
I remember thinking about her, “I wouldn’t trust that crazy bitch as far as I can throw her…unless I was her friend. She seems damn loyal to her friends.”
Oh thank the lord I am on the other side of the friend/not friend line.
We’ve learned a lot in the process of our friendship.
1. If one of us end up in jail, the other one will rally and get the bail money to get her out…and only joke about how funny it was after the appropriate amount of time.
2. If one of us is standing in line at the store and the other one’s credit card doesn’t work, we will pay for whatever it is without question.
3. There will be calls at the stupidest of hours for the stupidest of reasons. Most of the time those calls will start out with some angry words directed at someone else or the universe in general…but will end in giggling, laughter and support.
4. My sister likes her now. If my sister likes you…you’re in.
5. She has this strange ghetto grace that I make fun of on a daily basis. “Oh girl, HELL…YOU DON’T KNOW ME!” I swear, there have been days when that one line could make me laugh for a solid 3 minutes. Ghetto Grace is what I call it now, because she turn from a respectable adult woman who is having a normal conversation and all the sudden we are in da hood!
6. When I’m around mile 3 on the treadmill, the same song comes on: “Get Low” and I can’t help but get this dorky smile and start giggling remembering when Tabitha and I were dancing in my new house and that song came on and I finally saw what she was saying, she is kinda black. That girl has MAD DANCING SKILLS.
7. She’s a good mom and she reminds me that I am too. We may parent different, but we respect each other.
8. We are the same kind of ‘crazy’. And that is a freaking wonderful thing!
9. There are days when I am feeling just about average and she will say, “Good morning beautiful, don’t you look like a sexy ass bitch today!?” and for a minute, I feel beautiful…and like a sexy ass bitch.
10. She’s taught me a lot, but the number one thing will always be, “love with all your heart, don’t hold back and don’t be afraid of it getting busted open over and over again…because it will and you will heal and do it all over again!”
For Tabitha’s birthday I promise to love again, not hold back when the opportunity arises. I promise to dance and get low when I can. I promise that if I do anything to land myself in the clink, it’s going to be for kicking the living shit out of someone that deserves it….
Happy Birthday you sexy ass bitch!