Is it a goal?

I finished Nip/Tuck last night..er..this morning at 5 am. I was awake when Shaun’s alarm for work went off.

You would think after watching 10 hours of plastic surgery that I would be a bit self conscious about my looks, stretch marks (or ‘racing stripes’ as I like to refer to them) and ‘baby weight’ that I carry from 12 , 8 and 7 years ago.
I don’t though. Yes, my weight bothers me, but it always has. When I was thin I was teased, when I gained weight I was teased. You get to point where you think, “I can’t please anyone.” so you just begin to like you for who you are. I like myself for who I am. Yes, I want to be thin…so thin that I can wear any pair of pants that I want. I want to glide into a room and not worry if my panty lines are digging into my ass.
I like how my face looks when I have lost weight. I have pretty facial features and stucture.

It’s just not that important right now.

Why though? Why do I need to be PUSHED to get something done? Why does my health have to be at risk for me to go to the doctor? Why do I have to be getting the phone calls to pay a bill? Why do I have to wait until a week before guests come before I panic and start cleaning and stress out that I don’t have baseboards on my walls?

These are all things that have been sitting right here whispering at me for months…in some cases, YEARS.

I’m franticly searching my mind for a time when I had it all together. How do I get back to that person? Was I ever organized? Did I ever have any goals I wanted to reach?

I don’t think I ever did. When I started college and they had that first day meeting where they try to show you the big picture and say, “This is where you want to be in 2 years, work hard..blah…” I remember thinking, ‘If I can make it through the first month I will be lucky’.

I’m rambling. I do that when I’ve had 3 cups of coffee and get to a place where you’ve been depressed for a week or more and you’re starting to come out of it and you realize because of the depression you’ve let some things just go and now you have to face the music.

My Flickr photo stream shows I’ve taken about 10 pictures this week. My normal week includes 200+ pictures. I know, I know, my back has been out and it’s impossible to get out and take pictures.

I’m overwhelmed. I have a notebook and I need to sit down and figure out how to make things not so overwhelming…come up with a plan of action. I’m not good at setting goals, but I am good at trying to fix things and make them all better.

Oh, and I have a small stack of Thank You notes to send out to you that have donated to my Nikon Lens Account through Pay Pal/Credit Card thing.
You guys are awesome.

So who’s coming over to help me write lists and make phone calls?