“Kris Keeton – Turn her on and she’ll keep you up all night!”

15 years ago:

In 1990 I was driving around with my boyfriend’s sister when these two guys on a motorcycle pulled up next to us. I was obnoxious back then and could open my mouth and say whatever I felt without fear…of anything.

“Hey you wanna race?” Gina was driving a beater Cavalier and these guys were on a Ninja. They beat us off the line. As we pulled up to the next stop light I yelled it again. They took off and then slowed down long enough to tell us to meet them at Carl’s Jr.

When we sat down with them and started talking I noticed the guy that was seated in front of me looked like he was coming off some drugs.

“You looked beat.” I didn’t care if he liked me or not. My boyfriend was a bouncer and I was making some kick ass money training dogs and mooching off my parents.

“He works at the radio station.” His friend pointed out. Ahhh, the wingman. They are so easy to spot. They are there to point out all the really cool things their buddy owns or does for a living.

“You look beat.” I repeated. I didn’t like the wingman. He was too pushy.

The guy smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “I just got off work a couple hours ago.”

I looked at the clock at the wall and noticed it was 10 am. Shit, I was going to be late going to the Mother’s Day fair with my mom if I didn’t get out of there.

“What radio station you work at?”

“B-94”

Okay, i’m now listening. This guy works for my favorite radio station. “Whatcha’ do there?”
There is NO way this guy is a DJ because for one he doesn’t look like a DJ and two…I know all the DJ’s. All right, I didn’t KNOW all the DJ’s, but I listened to that station 24/7 and I know the voices of each one and this guy ISN’T one of them.

“He’s a DJ.” Wingman pipes in.

“What shift?” I don’t want to look to impressed, but inside I am quietly freaking out.

“Midnight to six. I just got off got work.”

I think we talked a little bit after that, but honestly I don’t remember much of the conversation. All I remember thinking was, ‘if I don’t get out to the Mother’s Day thing I was NEVER going to be able to mooch 20 bucks off my mom and be able to go dancing tonight.’

A month later I am sitting on the couch and we had the radio on.
“Gina, that’s the guy on the bike.” I point at the boom box.
“CALL HIM! tell him to play Wilson Phillips!!”
I called the number he repeated about 15 times in one break.
“B-94 FM, this is Danny Marks.”
“Hey Danny, this is Kristine…you met me…”
“at Carl’s Jr.” he finishes. “I’ve been hoping you would call.”
Okay, maybe it’s all the smoking that happened about 15 minutes before the call, but i’m a paranoid freak and that didn’t help.
“You did..are? you’ve been waiting for me to call? for how long?”
Pot. Kills. Braincells. “Will you play Wilson Phillips ‘Hold on’ ?”
He says he will play it for me and he was glad I called. I hung up the phone and looked at Gina. “Dude, you’re calling next time. He’s a tripper.”

I called him again about a week later and he seemed like a pretty cool guy. We started talking once a week and after Gina’s brother and I broke up and I moved back in with my mom I decided I might actually take him up on his offer to go check out the radio station.

I turned 18 that summer and I looked really cool in this black mini-skirt and white top. I didn’t need to impress him. We had talked so much on the phone that I was sure he was really into me. I wore the skirt just in case.

The radio station was my Disneyland. I grew up listening to this station. I was in love with every one of the on air personalities. I wanted to party with Robb O’Brian because he sounded like he would be so much fun…and oh so dreamy looking. I didn’t want to be a DJ…I just wanted to date one.

I did. We dated for awhile and he taught me how to run the board and cut commercials. He would nap and I would run the board and pick the music. I was a DJ assistant. I got to hang out with the DJs.
Oh, and if you’re wondering: 9 out of 10 DJ’s do not look like their voices. It’s just wrong how much they DON’T look like they should.

One Sunday night he handed me the keys to the radio station and told me he was not going to be able to make it to the station in time to start “Rick Dee’s Weekly Top 40” and all I had to do was cue up the music and take it from there. It wasn’t anything I hadn’t done before. I just usually had him there to help me.

The program director was still there and I made up this crazy story about why I was there to start Rick Dee’s for my ‘boyfriend’.
The program director was sort of prick, but he couldn’t really say anything because not only was Danny Marks the over night DJ, he was also the station engineer. If something broke, from the players to the tower, Danny fixed it. He couldn’t be replaced easily…so he got away with a lot of shit.

I started working there soon after. I was cutting commercials and doing the ‘automated’ programs on Sunday nights and after midnight. Then one night I checked the schedule and I was in the time slot to go ‘on air’…live…me…speak…live..on…radio.

Kris Keeton was born that night. Danny came in with me for encouragement. I already knew how to run the boards and all the other stuff…I just didn’t know the fine art of speaking with the microphone on.

I never did get the hang of it. Each time I turned on the microphone I froze up. I had to read what I was saying from a piece of paper or read a public service announcement. I sucked royally. It got easier, but honestly I hated it.

Danny and I moved in together and about a month later he got fired from the station. They hired some guy to come in once a month to check the players and it saved them hundreds of dollars. I got Danny’s 12-6 am time slot.

I was now working full time at the radio station. Life couldn’t get any better. Then I found out that Danny’s ex girlfriend was pregnant with his child.

We stuck it out through the pregnancy. I was only 18 years old and thought that after the baby was born we would find out that it wasn’t really his and we would live happily ever after.
The baby was his.

My radio career ended soon after that. I was faced with, “Kristine, I’m moving and I want you to come with me. I can’t live here anymore…she’s going to make me crazy.”

I moved from Redding to Sacramento with him. It was horrible. I missed my family and friends. I missed my job and co-workers.
Our first night here I cried. “I want to go home.” He convinced me to give it a week…then a month…

Then I married him. Yes, Danny is the one and only “Dan – The Ex”

Kara is really into radio. She’s just like I was at her age. She knows that her mom and dad were DJ’s. We’ve let her listen to some of our old shows and she laughs. We sounded like such goobers. We aren’t cool like her favorite station DJs. We were though. We were SO cool then.

If you’re a DJ in the Sacramento area and you work for 107.9 The End and in 4 years you meet a girl who is totally hot and impressed by the fact that you’re a DJ…you better ask her name.
If she says, “Kara Stone” YOU BETTER TURN AND RUN BUSTER. I WILL HURT YOU IN SO MANY WAYS IF YOU TRY TO DATE MY DAUGHTER!

What have we learned here today? Pot kills braincells and DJ’s steal your youth.

Be careful out there and thanks for listening.

I’m Kris Keeton and I’m done. Put a fork in me.