I tried to meditate yesterday and I kept having anxiety bursts. I finally had to yell, STOP in my head to get it to stop. The anxiety attacks have been creeping back in, but not as big as the one I had before a wedding I had to shoot. In retrospect, I had a lot going on and I was suppressing a lot of things. These are the little ones that happen before the massive one hits. The jolts (not a full on anxiety attack…just a heart stopping jolt that usually kick starts a doozy) hit me from out of no where. I had just finished a guided meditation and I was doing the visualization exercise and all the sudden I thought about a few different scenarios that included people and I jolted.
The day after E left I had a few of them. I could hear him yelling at me or saying my name and it scared me. This one was just the thought of anyone in my apartment. This silence is golden and I after I got home from vacation that first day I was okay with silence then I missed the sound of people around me, but not here.
After what happened with E, there is a good chance that no one will be allowed in my apartment ever again. Yes, the girls…but I don’t want people in my space anymore. I feel violated by what happened here and I don’t think some sage is ever going to fix it. I have removed all markers of any sort that remind me of that short amount of time, but he’s still here in my head and I can hear him, I can see him…I can feel him here with me. Sometimes it’s the wonderful moments of watching him making something to eat and smiling over at me or just falling asleep. Sometimes it’s him pacing and glaring at me like I was a stranger to him.
I hate that I have both of those memories. I hate not knowing which one will win out at the end of the day. Today I woke up and I was feeling alright, but then I remembered a conversation I had with someone last night and I was sad again. Sad that I can’t express myself the way I want to as to explain something to him that will help him understand.
I DON’T KNOW EITHER! that’s all I have I guess.
I’m suppose to go hang out with my friend today, but I don’t think I will. I’m feeling out of sorts again.