I’m back from Kaua’i.
I spent the most of today just sleeping and trying to get my back feeling better. I figured by now it would be better, but it’s not. That’s what I get for daring to take on the ocean.
I’d like to say that I was healed and my heart is no longer broken, but it is. In so many pieces that I don’t think it will ever go back to the way it was.
Screaming is what I really want to do, but it’s pointless. I keep thinking there is some sort of reason for all of this, but I don’t see it. Why would the universe give him back to me only to have him taken away in such a fucked up way? I can understand if we got back together and we just couldn’t make it work. This is just cruel.
His mother said to me that we aren’t good for each other. I got so angry and hurt when I read that because we WERE good for each other. Between the two of us we had all the love in the world. Yes, the odds were stacked, but we loved each other so much that we were willing to figure out how to make it work. I love him. I love his family SO much. His mother made me feel like I was the best thing to happen to him and I thought I was. That is a great feeling too. She was amazing with all the love she has for her family and I wanted to be a part of it. We talked about our first holidays together an what we were going to do. Plans that now break my heart to even think about.
So now I pretend that I am going to be alright, but I’m not. I want to scream and cry and how unfuckingfair this whole thing is. Mental illness fucking sucks and it steals happiness. Mine, his, everyones. Why couldn’t he have gotten the help he needed before it was too late? before he fell so far down the rabbit hole?
It’s was easy for me shift blame on someone I thought was feeding him lies. It was easy because I didn’t want to believe that anything was REALLY wrong. The texts prove that he is in this alternate universe that I can’t reach him in. My love couldn’t convince him that he was wrong about all the things he is seeing and believing in his head.
At dinner the other night I was watching our waiter talk about the specials and I felt my heart break again because I thought, “he might be crazy and no one would ever know.” I don’t look at people the same anymore.
I have to get better soon. I hate not trusting people and hate not trusting myself. I have to let go of what I thought was going to be the reason I went through all the shit I did…and that I was FINALLY going to get all that I really wanted. That reality isn’t going to happen.
“Maybe your ‘happily ever after’ doesn’t include true love. maybe it’s you being happy and doing all the things you want to do.” I know it was said to make me feel better, but knowing that your one true love is battling this horrible demon in his head is breaking my heart. I am so angry at him and I know I can’t be angry because he loved me and if he was in his right mind he would NEVER do this to me. He wouldn’t want me to be hurting like I am. I know this to be true. I have a box of broken promises under my bed to prove it.