This is the first Christmas in ever that I have woken up alone. It’s probably a good thing that the last few months I have been doing just that to prepare me for today. I was awaken by a text message coming in (Christmas and New year seem to be the holiday I get texts from family and friends I never hear from) and my first thought was, “This is Christmas morning…” and I felt sad that i’m alone. After my coffee was made and I crawled back into bed, I decided to analyze my feelings and see where that sadness was coming from. Was I truly sad or was it that I was SUPPOSE to feel sad waking up alone on Christmas morning?
It wasn’t real sad…it was expected sad. After rolling around past Christmas-s I know that this one is going to be a great one. Last night was my reminder of that. The girls, Dan, Tabitha, Rina Roo and Jeremiah all piled into the cars and went to Boston Market for Christmas eve dinner and I sat there and listened to all my kids laughing so hard they were in tears. I looked over at Tabitha and whispered, “This is the best present I could have been given….all my kids back in one place and laughing.” She knew because we spent the whole dinner just smiling and laughing with them. It’s my favorite sound when all 4 of my girls are laughing at the same time.
Next Christmas is going to be different and I am going to enjoy this one with every fiber of my being. Who knows what next year will bring into our lives or what will be removed. My thought is we will have Dan’s new girlfriend with us, and who knows…maybe Tabitha and I will have met someone we want to share our holidays with. Right now that is the least of my expectations of next year. I do know we will be sitting around talking about all the adventures we went on in 2016 and what plans we have already going for 2017. The girls might have their significant others over. Maybe Marina will have made it home again. I don’t know.
I do know that someday after I am gone I want the girls to read this and know that there was no better moment than hearing all of them together last night. To know that later Kara and Marina got to go for a drive alone and sing music and talk and be the sisters they haven’t got to be in so many years because of distance. I want Marina to know that sitting outside listen to her just SPILL her heart and tell her story for an hour was a memory I will cherish. I was Marina’s step mom from 5th grade and I know how she is when she has too many feelings going on at one time, she shuts down and doesn’t talk or share. She pushes you away until she works out what she needed to and if you’re lucky you will get to hear her share how she feels. Most of the time you didn’t. That was always reserved for Kara. I can’t tell you how many times I use to lay in bed with her while she just sat there, tearless and just in horrible emotional pain and unable to share what she was feeling. She would just sigh and say, “It’s just….” and she would start to tear up and suck it all back in. It killed me that she use to do that. I knew it wasn’t healthy, but it was how she got through. She was telling her story yesterday and she cried and didn’t stop sharing. She has grown up so much and I am so proud of her. For My Rina Roo, I wish her the wings to fly, the voice to tell her story and the love she has finally found.
Okay, it’s time to get ready to open presents at Dan’s new house and then take my kids on a hike!