The State of Self…

Author: randomandodd  |  Category: Random

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My doctor thinks I’m okay.  He said, “I’ll see you in class.” Without medication in me, he doesn’t need to make appointments.   It was kind of sad, but I am excited about being back in class and able to get more focused.   I did ask him about my old friend and he just smiled and said, “What would it hurt?”
Ohhhh, nothing except my brain, heart and mess up my whole freakin’ zen thing I got going over here.

I was listening to a bunch of old songs on Friday night (yes, that is what I do as a single person. I sit in my apartment and listen to old music and edit pictures on Friday night) and I had to keep listening to this one line over and over because I wanted to fully absorb it:

“Life is too short to have sorrow
You may be here today and gone tomorrow
You might as well get what you want
So go on and live, baby, go on and live” -Aaron Neville

I started thinking about my mom and her story. When Dan and I split up we sat on the phone for a couple of hours when she finally told me about how it ended with her first husband and the regret she carried. I’m glad for that conversation even though I swore she was just telling me so I wouldn’t leave my husband.  Sometimes I wonder if we glamorize the loves of our parents youth because it was such an innocent time? It was just young love and that shit is the most powerful thing on the planet.  If we could harness the energy from our first loves…we could seriously cure each and every crisis out there.
There doesn’t seem to be anything more powerful than love and loss.   Loss brings about a creative outlet that creates music, poetry and art that will rip through your soul.  The falling in love creates this addictive like drug in our system that makes us just stupid as hell.    That first love though, OUCH.
My friend, Kacy lost her husband this year.  It was one of those kinds of loves that you enjoy being able to see blossom.  Johnny loved her with every fiber in his being and it was that toe curling love.  He was never holding back his love for her and didn’t care if he looked like an idiot.   He loved like he knew that life was too short to have sorrow.

This very short life we have, we will have many people come and go.  They will judge you, they will hate you, they will be angry at you for not being in their life anymore.  There will also be people that will love you, support you and be grateful that you allow them your time.

I want to live guilt free, but I know that isn’t possible.  I’m so fucking guilty of hurting others, not being what they needed to be, for no longer being in their life.   I can’t feel that guilt anymore though. This life, is SO FUCKING SHORT and I want to be happy for the last tiny bit I have left.

So fuck it.  I’m going to live…

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