At some point I was going to have to start writing about the dating scene. Not exactly sure where to start with this, but let’s try it out anyway.
I’m not saying I’m dating or seeing anyone in particular…because that’s the truth. Let’s just go with what I was told when I my marriage ended, we are just “Hanging out”.
I’ve found in the past month or so, I suck at ‘hanging out’.
Being VERY clear with people about, “Not ready to make a commitment. Not ready to get back into that. Just want to have fun.” just isn’t enough. I know I said in the past I will never get a tattoo, but I am thinking, “NO, I REALLY MEAN WHAT I SAY” in dark black, outlined in gun metal gray and highlighted in blood red across my forehead might be a good choice for me to get.
They seem to understand what I am saying for the first couple of dates and then all the sudden it gets to the point where I feel horrible guilt if they get closer than they thought they would.
“I’m sorry.” doesn’t seem to cover the hurt feelings anymore.
I’m starting to understand why people leave though. I just can’t be what they think I should be, even if I told them from the start that I am hurt and scared shitless.
No one gets to see the Kristine that cries herself to sleep. No one gets to see the Kristine that will stare at the ringing phone from a concerned friend because she knows if she answers that phone her throat will close and the tears won’t stop. No one hangs out with the Kristine that just wants to stand up and scream out of frustration.
No one gets to see that person, because I won’t let them. I get up. I go to work. I do my job. I go home. On the weekends I go jump out of planes and laugh and joke. No one sees me cry anymore.
No one will.
And because no one will, they think I am strong. I am over it. I have moved on and i’m in a better place doing wonderful things and meeting fantastic people.
Yeah, I’m a better person…but I still freaking hurt 90% of the time and I am still finding new things on a daily basis that rip my heart out. Today a friend accidentally touched my ring finger and it felt like someone spilled battery acid on me.
It gets better. I know. But right now…I’m not ready.
18 responses to “Suddenly Single…”
Dang, don’t beat yourself up . It hasn’t been that long. You have a lot of stages to go through yet. And just when you think you hurdled one, Smack, there it is again. Or one to replace it. Time, lots of time. And like my comment before, sometimes some of it doesn’t go away altogether. You just learn to take a deep breath for a moment and it passes. big hug girl!
woo hoo, it worked this time!
you need to be who you are…and you need to give yourself a break. you have made such great strides in such a short time.
given what you have gone through, it is understandable you don’t want to share or let people see the hurt…don’t want to give people the opportunity to take the hurt and hurt it more…but maybe instead of the stoic and fun-loving girl they want to know better…let the see a glimpse of what your going through…you both might be surprised.
barring all that…the hell with ’em for not sticking around…this time is about Kristine…time you need, time you deserve. Enjoy it, pain and all.
I just read another blog post that said:
i would not change my journey
that i did 4 the world
all of it
the ups
and downs…
You will get there!
See, that’s the thing about pretending to the world that everything is ‘fine’. One day you’ll wake up and you won’t be pretending – it really will be fine. You hang in there, you are amazing.
Breeda
Prentending to be fine can be harder than not being fine. We will often heal faster if we cry, express anger, vent, and well, just allow ourselves to feel and admit that we are feeling all these crazy emotions. Keeping it all inside is not going to work in the logn run my dear. I have been reading your blog for awhile now and you are most definitely a strong woman, but even strong women need to let go of the bottled up emotins sometimes. A good therapist once told me that the only way to get past/through hard emotions is to acknowlege them, admit them openly. She said the longer we wall them in the more power they have.
Hang in there.
Nothin’ but love for you.
You are worth every bit.
I agree with Michelle– sometimes it helps to “embrace” the process of going through the hurt, the anger, the grief. Doesn’t take the hurt away but the longer you ignore it (or pretend it’s not there– to yourself or others) the “more power they have.” Like the song says:
Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared beneath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known you’d ever say goodbye
And now I’m glad I didn’t know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I’d of had to miss the dance
Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn’t I the king
But if I’d only known how the king would fall
Hey who’s to say you know I might have changed it all
And now I’m glad I didn’t know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I’d of had to miss the dance
Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I’d of had to miss the dance
I agree with Michelle too. The people that disappear when the going gets rough or who you can’t completely be yourself with are not the ones you want in your life anyway; it’s the people who stick around no matter what, who simply, matter. You’re pretty damned terrific just as you are.
And yes, there is a song for everything :D
((you))
You can call and yell and scream at me. I promise not to take it personal. And you can cry on my shoulder, cause I will probably do the same.
You are strong. The tears let out the stress of being strong all the time. And they are ok.
Lovin you.
peace…
I have found that only very few people are actually able to go the whole stretch with you… you need to find those people and stick with them. They’ll always be there for you, even if you’re a crying-screaming mess.
I love you. I miss you. Come to Florida. Oh yeah and check out my page cuz yoou’re linked on it hahahaha!!!! You’ve always been there when I needed you :0)
You have to do what is best for you and those who are really there for you and good friends to ‘hang out’ with WILL understand. Take care and don’t give up.
I’m not sure it ever gets ‘easier’ you just get stronger. Nobody can expect you to let go of years of your life in a matter of months. It’s normal to hurt, it’s sort of like a scab you keep picking at. You pick and pick, and rip it open and it bleeds, but eventually there comes a day you forget to pick at it. And before you know it, it’s a scar a reminder, but it’s healed. Just don’t pick so hard you need stitches..those are a real bitch.
One day at a time. And know that you are loved so much by the people that really know you.
I know how you feel. I was in a 5 year relationship that just ended recently. I do the same, go to work, put on the happy face, avoid my mother’s calls because she’s going to be too nice to me and I know the minute I hear her voice I’m going to break down. People say it gets easier and in my head I know it will but my heart hasn’t got the memo yet. Hang in there girl.
Wait a minute, according to Vegas rules you should have slept with, um, about a dozen guys by now and a half dozen women and a half dozen something else.
But I think the rest of the world works a little differently, so do what feels right for you.
XO
thinking of you. i dont have any words of comfort or wisdom, but i am here to sit with whatever kristine you need to be…i’ve got strong shoulders and good hands to squeeze and a huge box of tissues…
sending you lots of love from the east coast…
xo,
gypsy
I am sorry Kristine. I know it’s hard and it might seem impossible, but it will get better. I know you have great love around you.