Dreams…

I’m finding that weekend mornings are the hardest.

Not wanting to get up at six am on the weekend, I turned off my phone alarms (3 of them) and hoped to sleep in.  I woke up at 6:30 am.  So much for sleeping in.  Once I wake up, my mind is processing everything that happened the day before and what will happen today.

During the day I have control of the directions my thoughts will wander.  It’s only been 2 days that I have had that super power and there are moments when I am unable to control it and I feel like someone gut punched me and bashed my head into the kitchen counter.  Last night I was catching up on some unwatched Criminal Minds and there was this one where the guy comes up and just stabs the woman right in the stomach.  She doesn’t scream.  She just walks quietly to the couch staring down at the blood and then she sits down and this look of confusion and dies.   The lack of screaming, the look of confusion and I’m guessing the pain she was feeling was the closest thing to what I am feeling right now.

At night, when you would expect it to be harder, is a little easier.  All of the unknowns of the day have played out for you and all you have to worry about is what will happen the next day.

Dreaming is a whole other story.  My dreams will not shut the fuck up.  The more control I have over what is going in my waking hours, the less I have when I am sleeping.
When I woke up this morning I felt like not only was I stabbed, but drug behind a truck.
“Are you fucking kidding me?!” Is not the first thing you should wake up and say. “Can I have at least ONE dream where things are freaking good and I’m not surrounded of what is going to be the ghost of my past?”

‘Cita played me a song and the woman’s voice is haunting, but I keep repeating her words over and over when I feel like I am about to lose my mind.

Dont give up
cause you have friends
Dont give up
Youre not the only one
Dont give up
No reason to be ashamed
Dont give up
You still have us
Dont give up now
Were proud of who you are
Dont give up
You know its never been easy
Don’t give up.
cause I believe theres the a place
Theres a place where we belong

I see my girls saying these words.

I’m not giving up….I’m just sitting on the couch in a dazed confusion.