I don’t want this to be my life! I don’t want to be this person I’m turning into. As every minute passes I am getting colder and colder. Last night I thought something to myself; I will never trust another person for as long as I live because I believed that someone knew ME, the real me, and despite my blinding flaws wanted to marry anyway. He had his mountain of baggage and hidden flaws and I agreed to love him for the rest of my life. Now it’s all bullshit.
On our wedding day the only people in our wedding party was us and our kids. We were getting married as a family. He took those vows to all of us. He prided himself on being there for the kids and making them laugh when they were crying. He’s the one that is causing the tears and like an idiot-shit I am, I’m convincing the girls that they should go hang out with him..not for them, but for him.
There are a few blessings I can find throughout the day.
I was pretty certain that I had touched on every single emotion out there, but I figured out one that I won’t be feeling … Guilt. I am not feeling guilt. That one isn’t mine. I will not own that one.
That shit will eat you up inside and at least I can fall asleep at night with that fiery guilt and shame coursing through my body.
19 responses to “You couldn’t pay me to own that one….”
Kristine I could not agree with you more on the guilt part. Guilt does nothing for anyone!
One thing I have not felt through the entire process is regret or guilt. There is no place in life for those things.
Hang in there. You will find peace again.
that picture is awesome by the way! Where was it taken?
Kate…
I’m feeling regret. There isn’t a thing that I’m not second guessing thinking, ‘is that what caused him to leave me? was it that? was it this? I regret doing this…thinking that…’ I even feel regret over things that I don’t have any control of. I regret being sick. I know there was NO WAY I could have controlled my illness, but i’m still at that place where I am angry and every potential thing and every real thing that lead us here.
Picture was taken in a small town near Truckee, California.
On Saturday I wake up and I can’t be here, I have to get out of my head and driving seems to help.
I spent 8 hours driving to and from Yosemite last weekend.
I have no idea how all this came about, or who did what. Don’t need to know. One thing you said here really struck me, though: “not for them, but for him.” If that’s so, please rethink what you’re doing. Kids should never have to shoulder any responsibility for adults’ happiness or emotional well-being. It’s our job to look out for the kids’ emotional well-being and happiness; not the other way around. I know you know this; in my line of work, this is one of my pet peeves.
this should be your life! A powerful force driving through the coldness and making it through. This picture is beautiful, which is just another aspect of how awesome you are. You will get thru this.
I love to escape (did that yesterday) but i hate the driving. That’s when my head thinks too much.
Susie…I had to sit and think about it for a very long time before I actually realized that I was doing it for him and hoping that if they saw him and was around him that they would see that everything is going to be okay. The reality of the situation is that it’s NOT going to be okay.
I’ll talk to them.
You and the kids are more than welcome to come and hang out at my place when you need to get away.
Hugs to you.
peace…
Someone told me once that when she was going through cancer treatment, she got tired of hearing, “It’s going to be OK,” or “Everything’s going to be OK.” She said that just wasn’t true. “It” is never really going to be OK and stay that way; and “everything” certainly won’t ever be OK. She said the thing to tell people going through a tough time is that, “IT sucks, and will probably keep on sucking for a while, but YOU are going to be OK. No matter what happens with “it,” YOU are going to be OK.” That made a lot of sense to me. We have to be determined to be OK, in spite of whatever “it” is. I hope this is making some sense. Even though IT is not OK, they (and you) will be.
I AM SO PISSED RIGHT NOW!!!
Throwing and hitting something right now is what I want to do. Kara just had this melt down and it was all anger and frustration and then the girls lose when she does.
I am SO angry that I ever allowed ANYONE to ever hurt them. ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGG.
Sometimes I think they are doing okay, but shit, they are just faking it JUST LIKE ME.
I HATE right now…and I DO NOT LIKE HATE!
Oh <3. I hope that you find something to soothe what’s happening. I’m sorry you feeling so much hurt right now, it’s a horrible thing go through (I watched my parents do it this time last year) and my heart goes out to you and your kids. Really. <3.
no wisdom to offer, only <3
More room in a broken heart? Yes, remember that. It sucks right now, be quicksilver and love your girls and never let anyone hurt you again. In the next stage of your life, be independant and let the love that is around you come in. You are talented, smart and a good mom. Your life is only going to get better. Focus on that – let the love in and let the bad things float down that raging river. Been there, done that. It does get better. Hope you are okay.
very powerful……..from the picture til the end. wow
Wishing I could wrap you all up and take your pain away. I’m here for you anytime…Sending you lot’s of Love and Hug’s…….
The only thing I can think to say is You Will Get Through This.
When my life fell apart 4 years ago, those were the ONLY words that held any meaning. I didn’t know if things would be OK. I didn’t know if I was “better off”. I certainly didn’t know that I would be stronger when it was over. All I knew is that I would get through it.
You, and your beautiful girls, WILL GET THROUGH THIS. It will suck. It will be hard. But you will get through. I swear.
Oh. Still wish I could help somehow.
(((((Kristine)))))
The girls will get through this too..I’m an adult child of divorce..and it’s painful yes, but somehow it’s also a life lesson..and it helped me to see what i deserved/needed in my husband years later. You are such a creative, beautiful, smart woman. Don’t forget that. They have a wonderful mom–to look up to. I remember my mom read a book called “Crazy Time” during the separation..she said it was because that time is such a crazy time..emotions everywhere. I’m so glad you have a blog/place to write them down. This time next year you will look back and think “Wow i am so glad i got past that point”..
I am so sorry for you and your kids. I can’t imagine how hard this must be for everyone. I was a reader back when you were planning the wedding and was really rooting for you guys. Hugs.
hey. i like you!