Going Back…

This picture sums up the walk I took a couple days ago.
We have these wet lands, very small ones, but they are always on the side of people’s homes and I always feel strange about going to look at them. That day, much like the last week, I have been in a ‘fuck it’ mood. I decided to scale down someone’s fence to the wetlands and see what I could find. I found quiet, shade, tiny bits of sunlight hitting this blanket of small brown leaves. This green sheet of eww was covering what underneath probably was the home of many different types of bugs. I even told a huge dog, ‘please be quiet’ in a soft tone so I could enjoy the quiet. I guess I said it just right, because he laid down and watched me as I clicked away.

I checked my sitemeter yesterday and my visitor level is at an all time low.  It was actually comforting. Things around Random and Odd have been just that.  My health has been declining and no matter how many appointments, calls to the doctor or the emails I send to them, they have nothing for me.  I finished the one bottle of antibiotics I was on and now I am just back to one.  I will be on it for 3 months before they can say, “Well, we tried that and it didn’t work so now…” I’ve never known the frustration of not knowing what is wrong with me.  My anxiety level has been through the roof and I feel like every morning when I wake up all I can think is, “Oh God, another day of the same ol’ bullshit.”   I’m not hoping for sunshine and butterflies to fly out of my ass and everything to be better, but just some ray of sunshine would be nice. My ass could use a ray of sunshine.

It’s sposta rain today. First time in what seems like forever.  I’m not a big fan of rain, but I keep looking out the window hoping to see drops falling from the sky.  You can smell it, it’s just not here yet.

The ex came over yesterday and we had a good, long talk.  I’m not sure what words were used to trigger his response, but he decided that even though he had no money either, that we needed to get keys to the truck that were stolen replaced.  It seemed stupid to be paying for a truck that had no keys.  He never drives it, but I think he saw that the final straw of my mental status had broke and he called a locksmith.  $200 later we had 2 keys to the truck.
This morning I drove Marina to school and it had felt like I had not driven in years. If I wasn’t running on 3 hours sleep and a quarter tank of gas, I would have driven to Ohio.

It’s Friday. I use to do Stuff Portrait Friday, but the whole business of being in photography has robbed me of the joy of photography.  Funny how that happens.   I did get an email from a client that made me happy and reminded me of why I love doing what I do.

I’m not watching CNN lately.  It’s depressing.  The econony is crashing, we are in a downward spiral. Gas prices. War. I could have told you that just living my life.  We could just broadcast from my house and it would cover ALL of that.
My neice lost her husband to the war last week.  She wrote something on her MySpace that broke my heart.  It’s not fair.

I’m giving Wellbutrin another shot at getting me to quit smoking.  I’ve been smoking like a house on fire and I don’t even want to smoke. It’s just stupid. I’m smoking just to smoke now.  Before I did it because I was surrounded by smokers. Now i’m THAT smoker that people are around.

Hmmmm…I think I see drops of rain.  Nope, just wishful thinking.