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Today was the second class of six that I have to take.
I brought my books and read while waiting for the class to start. I decided before I went in that I was going to go into this open minded because in order to get through it, I would have to GET THROUGH IT. As a matter of fact that whole breathing thing seems to be working for me.
I mentioned that I downloaded some ‘meditation/hypnosis/earthy/bamboo-loving’ music and have been putting on the mask that my Most Awesomest Friend, Kristie, Who Is Awesome For More Than The Fact That Her Name Starts With a K, bought me. I have been breathing and falling asleep without the TV on.
ANNNNNNNNNNNND, I would like to also like to point out how serious I am taking this; I deleted ALL of my Forensic Files, Physic Detective, 48 Hour Mystery, Cold Case Files, and The Investigators from my Tivo and took them off my record list.
Yeah, I am one serious hombre about getting through this anxiety and off the damn medication.
Where was I? Oh yeah, The doctor hates me.
So I’m sitting there and everyone is all talking about how they were having anxiety and thought they were going to die. These people are here because they have the same problems I do. They are awaken in the middle of the night certain that a meteor has fallen on their homes and everyone is going to die in a burning like fashion. They believe that every store is a mad gun man running around going to jump out and shoot them. They think that if they don’t know the description of the faces of everyone in the restaurant they are dining in and what articles of clothing they have on that when one of them bursts out and bombs the place the police are going to need a damn good description.
–alright, maybe I was the only one in the class that has those thoughts…but ultimately the end result is they feel like they are going to die or at least kill themselves if they don’t stop feeling the way they do.
During a lull in the talking I had asked the class who was all on medication for their anxiety? Half the class of about 20 people raised their hands. I asked them if they had the same situation I had when I still have full blown anxiety attacks, just can’t feel them. I went on to describe that at the end of the day I was still PHYSICALLY hurting from it, but couldn’t really feel them, but they were there.
Everyone seemed a little confused by what I was saying, but the ones that weren’t on medication said, “YOU DIDN’T FEEL A PANIC ATTACK!??” as if I had the directions to the pool of eternal life. “You can ‘feel’ it, but you don’t ‘experience’ it.”
Dr. Lousy angrily asked, “So what are you trying to tell the people here in this class?”
I said, “I wasn’t TELLING anyone anything, I was wondering if anyone had the same experience I had so I would know I’m alone in all of it.”
He says, in front of the whole class, “Kristine, I have told you before that you are a very special case of anxiety and panic disorder.”
Oh yeah, I forgot…I’m the TOP FIVE PERCENTILE! How does one forget a comment like that? My case is CLEARLY out of his realm of understanding, yet I have to sit in this class and do these exercises as if I am only in the lower 5 percent.
He pulled out little coffee stirrers and asked us all to breath through them to ‘engage in an anxiety attack’. I declined. He looked at me and said, “Kristine, please participate.” I looked at him and said, “Nope. Sorry. I’m not comfortable participating in this.” and then at the end of the exercise he made a point of saying…”See now that wasn’t so bad, and for those of you that didn’t try it, well we know you have more issues to work through.”
Later in the class he trivialized the ‘disorder’ we have. He said, “Now with cancer patients people understand that you’re going through and can sympathize with them. People with panic and anxiety have over dramatize their situation for people to understand them and get sympathy…this just aggravates the system into believing what you have is more than it really is. As you explain to people what you are feeling, you’re building up the reality of what you have. You have to tell people to get that sympathy.”
I, now truly pissed off, said, “Actually no one knew I suffered from anxiety for MANY years. In fact it’s only been in the last couple of years that I have felt comfortable sharing it with people. I have spent many years HIDING the fact that I have anxiety. The straw exercise goes against everything I have been doing to try to over come my anxiety.” He glared and some other participants in the class agreed with me about not letting people know that they have what they have in fear of feeling like 1.) an idiot 2.) weak 3.) crazy 4.) hypochondriac 5.) people not getting it.
As the class was ending he had us do deep breathing and tensing and relaxing of muscles. Our eyes were to be shut while doing these exercises. I tried, I really did, but I am one of those people that fear that someone is going to come into a room while I am not prepared to ‘fight or flight’ and be taken by surprise. I must always be alert.
I did close my eyes for awhile and my eyelids were twitching too hard and I wasn’t relaxing so I sort of glanced over at Dr. Lousy. On his lap is a folder with what he was READING to us.
Now, to my knowledge, he has been teaching this class for quite some time. Once a week, month after month, year after year. Do you think he wouldn’t really need a book to tell him what he is needing to tell us to relax?
I am convinced he hates me. He knows I belong in a class that is being taught by someone that has some sort of electricity attached to our chairs and a morphine drip. He knows that I know he’s never had an anxiety attack.
‘Cita pointed out when I told her that he tried to induce a panic attack in class to help us ‘breath’ through it; “That’s like onsetting labor in a Lamaze class to teach you how to get through it. You don’t need to have a baby just to show you how to breath through it.”
Good point. I checked the books…I’m just going to sign up for Lamaze classes.
30 responses to “I think Dr. Lousy hates me…”
I disagree. He hates you because he knows you know he is a Colossal Clusterfuck and he knows that you should be in a class taught by someone who is sympathetic and knowledgable and not an Asswipe. (I tried to find a tactful way of phrasing it but I failed.) Additional proof is that he needs instructions after so many years. Cita is so right.
I never share my anxiety/panic/stress with anyone. I tried once and it didn’t go over very well. Also, I would NEVER be able to close my eyes and relax in a room full of people. I have to be ALERT and READY at all times.
Hang in there girl. Love you.
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Dr. Lousy should be named Dr. Malpractice. Inducing a known mental episode? Is HE fucking NUTS? (puns intended). And what if, say, somebody had a bad episode he could NOT control? Or, say, THREE people had bad episodes at once?
You need better treatment, you deserve better treatment. Worse, he humiliated you in front of everybody, and his critique wasn’t constructive to your progress at all. I’m not saying he should hold your hand and treat you like a child, but.. wow.
I have had anxiety problems too. Trust me, Kristine, the right help can do wonders. Moreover, trust YOURSELF, you know this guy is bad news. I think he might actually cause more anxiety in your than he alleviates.
Yes, what Sue said. It is helpful to have a therapist who’s had panic attacks. They are out there. I started watching the Sopranos recently (I’m slow about everything) and was impressed with how they portrayed Tony’s panic attacks. I said to Jif, “the director has had panic,” because he really got the changes in sense perception — vision, hearing, etc.
I’m sorry this is such a long road, Princess.
Ditto what Sue said, too. I’m just floored that he would have you all engage an attack. There’s no way I would have participated either. Good on you. And for him to trivialize the issue is ridiculous. Why is he teaching this class?
this man is practicing unethically. i’m going out on a limb here, but i seriously recommend not only finding someone else, but reporting him to whatever medical board is responsible for him.
Although I have many troubles with certain situations, I can’t say I felt a full-blown panic attack.
Well, there was that one time, during mid-terms in LPN training when my dad had to carry me to the ER and the doc had me breathing into a paper bag and a scrip for Valium which did nothing to help my concentration for writing on the tests, but that was 30 years ago and it was mid-terms and all.
Where was I–oh yeah, I was gonna say that I cannot bow my head and close my eyes during prayers in church services.
When I’m with other people, even on sacred ground, I have to be watching, especially in a place where God might smite those who question authority.
Also, since you mentioned TiVo, we’ve been watching dvds of LOST.
Talk about everybody being paranoid and not trusting their neighbors.
I like the Gilligans Island idea of castaways better.
Yet, I keep putting in the next disk and picking up the remote.
I don’t like him..and I don’t like that you’re giving him the time of day. He’s not a helpful therapist!! :( (stomping my feet about it)..
though it IS a good idea to delete those shows. If you’re like me–watching all those murders/and crimes doesn’t help with the anxiety. Often I have to stop reading news/watching news for awhile too.
OK. I. AM. FURIOUS.
I can’t even finish reading your post because I will explode!!
He is being abusive… this is just wrong! How can he…. why should you…. what.. arrggghhhh…..
I can’t say much more than “I’m sorry.” Sorry you have to deal with a jackass. Sorry you are still struggling. Sorry for your hurt.
Hang in there. We care.
First of all, I have to agree with what everyone else has said above.
If someone has never had a panic attack, they really have no fucking clue what it’s about. They don’t understand the pain. They don’t understand the fear. They don’t understand ANYTHING about it at all.
I believe this guy is doing you more harm than good sweetie. Isn’t it possible you could find someone who might actually be uhhh…HELPFUL?!
I can honestly say, this is the first time you’ve posted about your anxiety (that I’ve read) that not only did I sympathize, but I kinda sorta feel like I understand (even though I could never truly understand without having experienced).
And all I know is that if I were in your shoes, I would not want any money (whether it be out of pocket or insurance) going to fund this quack! I hope you can find actual help instead of someone who belittles, criticizes, and thinks it’s all a bunch of B.S. when it so obviously isn’t.
Dr. Lousy needs to have the stir-sticks shoved up his ass so HE can breathe through it. The guy is a moron.
did you talk to anyone after the class? I’d be having anxiety about GOING to the anxiety class.
Where did this guy come from?
I’m sorry this is such hard work. But I am proud of you for sticking it out and trying new things. Yay for breathing! Hugs.
Why do you keep going back to him if you feel like he isn’t taking you seriously or the right person for you? Maybe you should cut ties and find someone who is best suited for you or who at least makes you feel comfortable in the process.
My laptop died today. SOMEONE was using it without the laptop cooler and blocking the fan. It overheated and fried about 3 different components in it.
Anyway, Thank you for your words. I love ya.
I HAVE to stay in this class in order to show that I am attempting to move on to the next level. Lucky for me, he’s the only one teaching that class.
Yay! GOOOOO KAISER!
I don’t know anything about this, but the guy sounds like a real jackass.
That is all.
(ps – hugs)
Oh man – If you have to stay in this class to show you are attempting to move on to the next level – I would seriously consider talking to whoever is above him.
Good for you for standing up for yourself. Bad for him for not being more respectful, empathetic, adn everything else he seems to be lacking.
I can’t say much more than I am so sorry. I have issues….but not anywhere I can even relate to what you experience on a daily basis. so again, I am so sorry you have to deal with an idiot….I hate idiots!
I thought we all decided he was an idiot. A vote was taken and we said dump him. Can’t you follow instructions? Add that to your disorder list. Put it at the top please.
:-)
Yes, the only reason those of us with Panic Disorder ever share our inner most personal fears & undescribable feelings is for the attention and sympathy of others…Where the hell did this ‘dr.’ get his medical degree? A cracker-jack box???
All you needed to say was that one word:
KAISER
Now I understand completely.
Kaiser Sucks.
Good. Fucking. Grief.
Are you kidding me?
he’s a loon. hold your ground.
and tell him to go experiment somewhere else.
I hate insurance companies.
I hope you come out of this in one piece and can find a competent Dr who can actually help you. Reading this post made me angry in so many ways.
(((Hugs)))
Geez, Louise. I had to come back because I can’t get over this. You know I got you in email, Princess, but I wanted to add: the idea of restricting your breathing with those little straws in order to bring on panic is SO malpractice. First, the more panic experiences you have, the more you’re likely to have. Secondly, if he was thinking that he could teach you all coping skills better if you were actually “in” a panic state, that is entirely ignorant. In order for us to learn anything, our brain waves need to be in “alert, focused” state. That is NOT AT ALL the brain state of someone in a panic attack. In short, you are biologically incapable of “learning” anything while in the midst of a panic attack. Can’t happen. As someone else here said, there are skills that can be learned, but they must be practiced and overlearned while you are calm, so that they kick in almost automatically when panic starts. This man needs to find a new line of work.
Thanks for the cell-phone-serenade today.
I loved it.
And, I love you:)
Kristine,
I’ve have gone through a lot of the anxiety things that you are describing. If you would like to email me maybe I can share some of my “coping” ideas with you. It’s a tough thing to overcome and a lot of people out there don’t get it. It’s kind of like explaining menstral cramps to a man, if you don’t experience it, you really don’t understand! Feel free to email me if you’d like,
nicole
nperry@glenergy.com
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