I think Dr. Lousy hates me…

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Today was the second class of six that I have to take.

I brought my books and read while waiting for the class to start. I decided before I went in that I was going to go into this open minded because in order to get through it, I would have to GET THROUGH IT. As a matter of fact that whole breathing thing seems to be working for me.
I mentioned that I downloaded some ‘meditation/hypnosis/earthy/bamboo-loving’ music and have been putting on the mask that my Most Awesomest Friend, Kristie, Who Is Awesome For More Than The Fact That Her Name Starts With a K, bought me. I have been breathing and falling asleep without the TV on.

ANNNNNNNNNNNND, I would like to also like to point out how serious I am taking this; I deleted ALL of my Forensic Files, Physic Detective, 48 Hour Mystery, Cold Case Files, and The Investigators from my Tivo and took them off my record list.
Yeah, I am one serious hombre about getting through this anxiety and off the damn medication.

Where was I? Oh yeah, The doctor hates me.

So I’m sitting there and everyone is all talking about how they were having anxiety and thought they were going to die. These people are here because they have the same problems I do. They are awaken in the middle of the night certain that a meteor has fallen on their homes and everyone is going to die in a burning like fashion. They believe that every store is a mad gun man running around going to jump out and shoot them. They think that if they don’t know the description of the faces of everyone in the restaurant they are dining in and what articles of clothing they have on that when one of them bursts out and bombs the place the police are going to need a damn good description.
–alright, maybe I was the only one in the class that has those thoughts…but ultimately the end result is they feel like they are going to die or at least kill themselves if they don’t stop feeling the way they do.

During a lull in the talking I had asked the class who was all on medication for their anxiety? Half the class of about 20 people raised their hands. I asked them if they had the same situation I had when I still have full blown anxiety attacks, just can’t feel them. I went on to describe that at the end of the day I was still PHYSICALLY hurting from it, but couldn’t really feel them, but they were there.
Everyone seemed a little confused by what I was saying, but the ones that weren’t on medication said, “YOU DIDN’T FEEL A PANIC ATTACK!??” as if I had the directions to the pool of eternal life. “You can ‘feel’ it, but you don’t ‘experience’ it.”

Dr. Lousy angrily asked, “So what are you trying to tell the people here in this class?”
I said, “I wasn’t TELLING anyone anything, I was wondering if anyone had the same experience I had so I would know I’m alone in all of it.”
He says, in front of the whole class, “Kristine, I have told you before that you are a very special case of anxiety and panic disorder.”
Oh yeah, I forgot…I’m the TOP FIVE PERCENTILE! How does one forget a comment like that? My case is CLEARLY out of his realm of understanding, yet I have to sit in this class and do these exercises as if I am only in the lower 5 percent.

He pulled out little coffee stirrers and asked us all to breath through them to ‘engage in an anxiety attack’. I declined. He looked at me and said, “Kristine, please participate.” I looked at him and said, “Nope. Sorry. I’m not comfortable participating in this.” and then at the end of the exercise he made a point of saying…”See now that wasn’t so bad, and for those of you that didn’t try it, well we know you have more issues to work through.”

Later in the class he trivialized the ‘disorder’ we have. He said, “Now with cancer patients people understand that you’re going through and can sympathize with them. People with panic and anxiety have over dramatize their situation for people to understand them and get sympathy…this just aggravates the system into believing what you have is more than it really is. As you explain to people what you are feeling, you’re building up the reality of what you have. You have to tell people to get that sympathy.”
I, now truly pissed off, said, “Actually no one knew I suffered from anxiety for MANY years. In fact it’s only been in the last couple of years that I have felt comfortable sharing it with people. I have spent many years HIDING the fact that I have anxiety. The straw exercise goes against everything I have been doing to try to over come my anxiety.” He glared and some other participants in the class agreed with me about not letting people know that they have what they have in fear of feeling like 1.) an idiot 2.) weak 3.) crazy 4.) hypochondriac 5.) people not getting it.

As the class was ending he had us do deep breathing and tensing and relaxing of muscles. Our eyes were to be shut while doing these exercises. I tried, I really did, but I am one of those people that fear that someone is going to come into a room while I am not prepared to ‘fight or flight’ and be taken by surprise. I must always be alert.
I did close my eyes for awhile and my eyelids were twitching too hard and I wasn’t relaxing so I sort of glanced over at Dr. Lousy. On his lap is a folder with what he was READING to us.
Now, to my knowledge, he has been teaching this class for quite some time. Once a week, month after month, year after year. Do you think he wouldn’t really need a book to tell him what he is needing to tell us to relax?

I am convinced he hates me. He knows I belong in a class that is being taught by someone that has some sort of electricity attached to our chairs and a morphine drip. He knows that I know he’s never had an anxiety attack.
‘Cita pointed out when I told her that he tried to induce a panic attack in class to help us ‘breath’ through it; “That’s like onsetting labor in a Lamaze class to teach you how to get through it. You don’t need to have a baby just to show you how to breath through it.”

Good point. I checked the books…I’m just going to sign up for Lamaze classes.