This could be the longest i’ve gone without posting. I was a prisoner in my own home and the covers from my bed kept me bound. I was forced to medicate and watch re-runs of Twilight Zone. I’m doing better today.
The ex came over (at the last damn minute) to bring the girls to school and decided that I needed to get out of the house for coffee.
There is nothing more theraputic than listening to stories about other people’s lives to make you feel better about your own.
There is also nothing more bizarre than giving your ex-husband advice on women and how to deal with the sort that call, call, call, call…and continue to do this for 16 years.
He doesn’t grasp the concept of NOT PICKING UP THE PHONE.
I got my first death threat email today. It read:
PLEASE PUT UP THE ASSIGNMENT FOR STUFF PORTRAIT FRIDAY OR I WILL BE FORCED TO COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND FEED YOU FISH!
This week is YOUR initials….
For example…my initials are: KLS (but soon to be KLB, so I am going to use KLB) so I am going to take a picture of something that starts with a K…and then L…and then a B.
It’s Super EASY. Please back away from the fish products.
And because I didn’t do it this weekend, I give you:
Comment Section Wish List…
Body: Okay, here’s the deal. The person above you in the comment section makes a wish (”I wish I had a banana!”), and then the person below grants your wish, and then wishes something else, but here’s the fun part: Your wish is messed up!
Example:
Renee—I wish I had a birthday present.
KimmyK—Granted, but the birthday present is a IRS audit. I wish I had a new car.
Dashababy—Granted, but it’s a Geo Metro that only goes 15 miles per hour…I wish..
*Have a great Wednesday everyone!
60 responses to “But there were planes to catch and bills to pay”
I wish I had a maid to help me clean today…
Wooohooo! I’m first for the first time!
Granted, but she spills bleach on your favorite jeans…
I wish I didn’t have to go to the grocery today…
Cats in the cradle……..
Granted but you have to go everyday for a month after today.
I wish I had a new car.
Cat’s in the Cradle. Written by Gordon Lightfoot, I think and also recorded by Cat Stevens.
Sorry, I forgot to play. Okay, you get your new car, but there is a dead body in the trunk.
I wish my boss would have suprised us with a 100 gift card to TARGET instead of STARBUCKS.
Fuck.
Granted, but you must use the Target gift card on a Saturday afternoon when the store is full of screaming children. And it’s for $100 Canadian.
I wish my boyfriend would pick up after himself.
Granted but when you get to Target you realize that they were taken over by white trash and all they sell are wife beaters and ghetto type outfits.
I wish I was 20 pounds thinner.
PS – I love this week’s SPF!!!
Crap, I was posting when someone else was. Let me fix it.
I take back my original granting.
To Lola, I grant your wish, but your boyfriend will pick up after himself naked while teabagging all over the good furniture a la the guy Charlotte married in Sex and the City.
I still wish I was 20 pounds thinner though.
Granted, but now you have to spend your whole tax refund on a new wardrobe.
I wish it weren’t so damn hot already.
Granted, but it will now snow for 40 days and 40 nights.
I wish I was in Las Vegas!
(((that lil’ angel is soooo YOU….she’s got YOUR CHIN!!))
Granted. Instead you’re body is frozen in time like Walt Disney (is he really frozen?) awaiting a cure for a rare disease that makes you fart outloud every time you blink.
I wish I could cut the stupid bunny’s feet off and hang them on my keychain for leaving stupid easter ass grass all over the house in various pastel colors!
*good luck with that one*
Sorry I screwed that up….Charlotte beat me.
I guess that means I lost MY WISH :(
ShelliB your wish is granted, but now there’s a mob from PETA on your front doorstep
I wish there weren’t so many unread papers on my desk
Granted, but once you read them, they all caught on fire and burned your hair off.
I wish I didn’t have to brand calves this weekend.
(How’s that for hillbilly??)
Granted, but the calves broke out of the fence and now you can’t prove they are yours and not your neighbors.
I wish this work day was over already.
harry chapin wrote cats in the cradle, not gordon lightfoot. i loves me some gordon lightfoot.
i’d play the game but i’m already confused!!
People calves or cow calves?
Ok, I’ll go again,,,
Granted but you have to pierce all their ears.
I wish there weren’t a dead body in my new car!
Gtranted but instead you have to brand lizards!
I wish I didn’t have to go to the gynecologist tday.
Kristine–talking to your Ex is weirder than most, but then you have to toss in advice about other women?!
I’ve said it before, but it is worth a repeat–Your life is better than a soap opera show!
Blogging at its Best!
Montana Anna- Your wish is granted…no calves to brand.
But you have to collect elephant dung for a month.
I wish all the books in piles around the room were on shelves in alphabetical order by author name. At least by the 4th of July, anyway.
excuse me,,,,, “wasn’t a dead body in my new car.”
ShelliB, that was hilarious what you wrote about farting everytime you blink.,,,,lmao.
Janelle – granted but now you have to see the proctologist.
I wish it was time to leave work.
Granted, but you were escorted out by security – time to leave work, permanently.
I wish I were a little bit taller …
Granted, but the surgery to make you taller made your butt bigger.
I wish I had full tank of gas
Granted, but you had to sell your right arm, your firstborn and your favorite pair of shoes to procure said full tank.
I wish I could punch Tom Cruise in ovaries, right in the babymakers.
Granted, but now Tom is suing you in addition to millions of others.
I wish I could kick Tom crusie in the ovaries right after Keri Anne punches him.
Yes, but after you kick Tom (after Keri Anne punches him) he pukes up Katie’s placenta sammich that he ate post birth all over your shoes.
I wish I wasn’t addicted to the Food Network
Granted – but you’re now addicted to “All Sumo Wrestling All the Time!”
I wish I had enough money for a house.
Granted – but your next door neighbor has appeared on Jerry Springer. Twice.
I wish I had a girlfriend.
Granted, but the money is in an escrow account until you’re 75.
I wish I had a nanny for my 4 kids…
Granted, but she lets them run riot anyways and wears all your clothes.
I wish I had the early shift at work!
Closet Metro – granted but she calls you 32 times a day.
Charmed1 – granted but she smokes pot in the house and tries on all your lingerie.
I wish I lived in Houston.
Granted, but you live under a bridge.
I wish I could get more sleep.
Granted but it is hanging upside down from a tree like a bat.
I wish my kids had a mute button.
granted but being quiet only makes them destructive and rowdy…
I wish I could find someone who could give me the haircut I want…
Granted but since they can’t talk they’re always poking you in the arm and pointing at what they want and now you’re black and blue.
I wish I would win a free home makeover.
Shoot!
Granted, but instead of the cast from ABC’s MakeOver Home Edition, it’s the cast of MTV’s Trailor Fabulous.
I wish San Antonio wasn’t the hottest city in the world.(sarcasm)
Lee, granted! but the haircut you “want” has become a mullet.
KimmyK, granted! but your new home comes complete with Ty Pennington and his foghorn, and there is no mute button for Ty Pennington, or his foghorn.
I wish I could win an all-expense-paid trip to London.
Sarah:
Granted, but you are transferred to the coldest city in the nation.
Kerri:
Granted, but your trip is sponsored by “The Maury Povich Show,” theme being “Your Husband is my baby daddy!”
I wish my butt would be smaller (now that you all made it bigger when I got taller.)
Granted, CY, but your intestines and all that stuff gets smaller and doesn’t work, so you have to wear a colostomy bag on one hip.
I wish I had nothing to do today.
Granted. But you’re George Bush.
I wish I could hold Tom Cruise down, force him to shit a watermelon, and see if he can do it without screaming.
Granted, but you have to let him jump all over your new white couch first, in his shoes covered in mud.
I wish I could quit my job and live a life of leisure.
Granted Catheroo..but the life of leisure is with moi…and I have many sexual fetishes that I could not describe here.
I wish I had a minature donkey.
Dr H.O. Potamus
Granted, but it shits all over your house. (Hippo, you kill me.)
I wish my sinus headache would GO THE HELL AWAY. (And don’t give me a damn migraine, ya heard?)
granted! but now you have a strange foot fungus that makes your knees itch.
I wish my sister was coming to spend the day with me
Granted, Randomandodd, but she brings her new boyfriend, who proceeds to sit on your couch all day watching trash TV with no shirt on, smoking and eating your food while you and your sister catch up, interrupting occasionally to yell to her (or you) to bring him another beer. AND he misses the toilet when he stumbles in your bathroom to relieve himself …
I wish I could slow down for ten minutes and relax.
I wish I had your camera because I’m freaking jealous of the quality shots. (Love todays and how in the world did you get a firetruck, police car AND ambulance in perfect position? ROFL.)
Hope to play SPF tomorrow!
LOL. Well that wasn’t too hard. Go to downtown Sacramento and WAIT. It usually takes about 5 minutes. ;)
Shaun and I were driving and I saw the fire truck first, then the ambulance pulled around right at the moment that you could see the cop car in the background.
Notice how ‘foggy’ it is? I took it from the front seat of the van and I need to clean my windows!!
I wish I had a clean front window
Granted, but your kids all walk right into it because it’s so clean, and you have to haul all their butts back to the dentist to fix their grills.
I wish my kid would realize that I don’t HAVE to be RIGHT NEXT TO HIM all day today.
Granted, but now he shrieks whenever you come near him.
I wish my eye doctor would call and say my contacts were in!
granted, but they are the wrong prescription and your proper ones have to be specially ordered from someplace that has a 2 year delivery time.
I wish I didn’t have to work tonight.
Granted…but you will now have to work doubles back to back for the next week…
I wish my Mother’s Day ring had been delivered today…
Granted Kristine, but then you wouldn’t get a paycheck and you’d be stuck sitting at home with your kids who are on spring break and fighting all night long.
I wish someone would come clean my house for me.
Granted, but then they dump all your junk and garbage out on the lawn.
I wish I lived near a Dairy Queen.
Granted, but the Dairy Queen is a gay milkman
I wish I could move in to my new apartment sooner.
Granted and your new neighbors are Nudists and have sex on the balcony outside your bedroom window bright and early.
I wish my health would get better so I could go back to culinary school.
Granted, but the only things they teach you is different ways to fix liver and onions (ewwwww)…
I wish I was 100 lbs lighter and beautiful….
Granted, but you’re beautiful to giraffes and other extremely slender animals.
I wish the cut on my forehead was gone.