We have family meetings. With 5
bratskids and two adults living in this house, we need to get together and beat the childrenhave long, important talks about how things get ran around the house.
I’m making it sound much better than it really happens. Here’s how it really happens:
The first step is Shaun coming home to me curled in a fetal position on the side of the bed.
“Hard day honey?” He leans down and rubs my head.
After the shaking and sobbing stops, “yes. i hate children.”
He smiles at me, “I know you do honey. Wanna talk about it?”
I then slam my head into the side of the bed a few times until my noggin is resting on the carpet.
“The kids…they yell at each other all the time” Then I go into my Marina/Kara/Shea/Alyx impression of them. “and…Tyler, he doesn’t listen…he WON’T WALK THE DOG UNLESS I DEMAND HIM TO! and oh…god…the…class party is tomorrow…”
“I’ll help. Kristine, why are you on the floor?”
“DAMN DOG PEED ON THE FLOOR AGAIN!”
Then after I finally calm down and the insane eye blinking and twitching stops, we go talk to the kids.
Shaun, he’s so rational and calm. He gives examples, stories and adds little jokes. I think if he knew how to give a Power Point presentation on ‘family harmony’ during our meetings, he would.
I on the other hand sit on the couch next to him and yell things like, “Yeah! what he just said!”
and “If you do THAT again, I will ground you!”
After the meeting the kids all go about their way, happy, laughing and joyful. I personally think we should end each meeting with a shot of capscum to the eyes or at least a little bit of electrocution to drive our point home….”NO MORE YELLING! NO MORE FIGHTING! GET THE FUCK ALONG OR MOMMY IS GOING TO SNAP!” but we don’t. We just let them get along for 5 minutes until it starts up again.
Last week we had to have a meeting because everyone is being really rude to each other and Shaun is tired, really tired of the kids yelling from one end of the house to another.
“KAAAARRRRRAAAAAAAA!!!!!” Marina yells from the bedroom.
Kara ignores her, because Kara is a bitch like that.
“KAAARRRRRAAAAAA!!!!!” She yells again.
Kara ignores her again.
“KARA!” I yell from the other bedroom, “ANSWER HER!”
“WHAT DO YOU WANT MARINA!?!”
As you can see, it gets annoying and Shaun said, “No more yelling…I can’t stand the yelling in this house. If you want to say something, say it…there is no reason to yell it…”
and it was at THAT MOMENT that I heard the sound of SANTA CLAUS ON THE FIRE TRUCK….IN. OUR. COURT!
I was 5 again. “SANTA IS HERE! SANTA IS HERE!!!!” I screamed it and Shaun said I pushed Shea out of the way as I ran for the front door. “SANTA!! HE’S HERE!!”
Do you know how hard it is to try to look stern while we were finishing our family talk with a candy cane sticking out of my mouth, knowing I had broke every new family rule we had just made?
I have done one of the meanest things a parent can do to a child, outside of running over their cat. Which I may or may not have done during my college days.
I numbered the Christmas gifts.
Yes. I know. MEAN HUH? (this is where you hear me laughing like an evil loon)
The girls came home from their dads and there is a pile of gifts under the tree.
“YAY, GIFTS!!” They run towards the tree and pick up the multi colored boxes.
“Mom? Who’s #4?”
“You’ll find out on Christmas….unless…you can figure it out on your own.
Oh the whining…Complaining…and then the “I’ll figure it out first!” threats.
Everyday after school, Alyx has been setting aside a little time to figuring it out. She asks me very simple questions in hopes of finding out what the answer is.
Today, after what sounded like a simple question, her eyes brightened and she rushed into the house.
She had been asking one or two questions a day. Well, all those questions added up to the answer she was waiting for.
“Mommy, if I get the answer right and show you how I got it, will you tell me if I’m right?”
I made her promise that if she did get it she wouldn’t tell the other kids how she got the answer. She promised.
Then she brought me the right answer.
I told her that if anyone else figured it out because of her notes that I would take her presents away.
She took a pair of scissors and cut up the paper in a million pieces.
At this moment she is sitting in the living room laughing like a evil loon.
Any reason to write Ho 3 times.
Last week I wanted to be able to accommodate everyone…this week, it’s for those of us that wear bells, roast our nuts and yell ho, ho, ho at random people.
(yes, I realize I have just described Bucky every month of the year)
- Your favorite wrapped present
- Something new you added to your decorations this year
- Your Christmas cards
I put a lot of work into wrapping all the presents this year. All of them. BY.MY.SELF. I can’t wait to showcase the wrapping job I did this year.
I also added a few things to the decor.
Ohhh ho ho ho the cards I got this year. I even have a couple favorites. ;)
I’m sure you were all thinking I was going to ask to see your tree huh? Yeah, well…if you want to throw your tree into the picture, by all means…go for it. It’s almost Christmas and I’m feeling a bit high on the egg nog…or it might be the spray on cheese.
‘Cita and I are being interviewed today for the work that we have been doing on the Christie Wilson case.
It’s flattering, yet it brings so many things into focus.
SOMEONE out of my control is going to be able to take pictures of ME. I offered to just take the shots myself.
Not wanting unfavorable pictures of us in mass publication, I was ready to crop, soften and remove any gnarly shots of us and only mail in the good ones, but they insisted they have a real photographer come out and take the shots.
My mother, sister and I have this agreement: no one posts pictures of each other without first getting permission from the other first. There is a reason for this, my mother is a cruel-ass-bitch.
This is a good thing to have, an agreement. I broke it recently when I posted the picture of my sister with the ‘underwear’ on her head. She retaliated by posting EVERY horrible picture of me she has…well, except that one picture…that’s her ace in the hole.
This agreement has let me have restful sleep at night. I know that I won’t wake up to bad pictures plastered on the internet…that I didn’t put up there.
Who knows what kind of shots this ‘photographer’ is going to get. He’s going to take a picture of me and the non-existing chin. Did you know that? My face is going slide off because I have no chin. It’s there from a front view and then the side profile…NO CHIN, it slides into my neckline.
Don’t get me started on the shots he’s going to get of me smiling. I hate the fake smiles. Some people have the greatest fake smiles…I’m not one of them. I look like the brother on “My Name is Earl”.
Racoon eyes. He’s going to get a shot where my eyes look like they are sinking into the back of my head.
Am I really this vain? I am, huh?
Why do I care? really? I mean…you guys saw me with cursed hair.
I think it might have been the ‘We need to send a ‘real’ photographer.’ comment.
I swear if this REAL photographer shows up with a Nikon D70 I will beat him to death with my camera bag all the while yelling, “I COULD HAVE DONE THIS MYSELF AND SAVED MYSELF TEN XANAX!”
I did something this weekend that I have been putting off. I sat down and began my wedding planning.
Making reservations for dinner isn’t something I do a lot of anymore. I usually just yell the order at the menu board and hope the kids don’t spill the french fries all over the van floor.
While the kids were gone for the weekend we decided it was time to have our engagement dinner and actually pin some things down. It’s important to have a place and a time. right?
After a nice steak dinner we had come up with nothing.
No date, place, colors…nothing.
It’s official, We suck at wedding planning.
We have decided that it MUST be done and we can’t afford a wedding planner so we are going to have you all help us pick everything out.
How do you all feel about picking out things from dresses, party favors & colors?
Click the pic to see how you’ve all help make Aly’s frog picture one of the most watched items on Ebay!!!!
Dec 16th – For Everyone…
- Something RED
can you see me in the reflection??
- Something GREEN
Christmas Card from a couple of Random and Odd readers :)
- Something you decorate
The Aloe Plant on my coffee table. It’s not easy making an aloe plant look festive.
Did you play???
This week…seeing that we are nearing the ‘holiday’ season.
I found out that some of my readers don’t do Christmas. When I was little and I was told that a kid didn’t celebrate Christmas…I cried for them.
I tried one year to give Louisa Newcomb a present because I didn’t want her to not have anything to open on Christmas morning and she wouldn’t except it. I tried to convince her that she could hide it and her parents wouldn’t have to know.
She explained to me that she just didn’t believe in Christmas and that to open that present on that day wouldn’t mean anything to her.
I cried for her and never understood why her parents could be so mean as to take Santa away!
I now understand…but I still want to give presents to those who don’t celebrate. I’m not sure if I am just a moron or I was shaken too much as a child.
This week…so everyone will play:
Something that you decorate.
Next week, I’m going all Holiday…so don’t give us TOO much!!
‘Cita and I went to court this afternoon for the cross examination and closing arguments.
It was frustrating and heartbreaking. The judge went over all the evidence and ruled to take it to trial.
I hadn’t realized that everyone on the right side of the court room was holding their breath until he gave his ruling. It was at that moment that we all let out a sigh of relief and began breathing again.
I know it sounds weird for everyone to hear that we are searching for a missing woman. In the last month, it’s gone from a missing woman to a ‘dead body’. I’m sure it sounds even more strange that we are going to the court to ‘hear’ the evidence in the trial. To explain to someone that we are just trying to find out more in hopes of being able to point us in a direction to search just isn’t enough.
The first time we went into court we watched hours of testimony on hair DNA. We also met Christie’s family, and to speak for both ‘Cita and I, we were blown away by their strength and friendliness. In a rough time they were thoughtful and polite to everyone they came in contact with.
Christie’s step-father, Pat has a calming effect on everyone. He can reassure you with just a look or a smile. Her mother…what an amazing woman. In my family we call my sister ‘The Rock’ because that is what she is to us. My mom is the glue. I’m guessing that Christie’s mom is both.
I handed her a candle & holder that ‘Cita and I picked out for her…it said “hope” on the holder and she looked at it and I know she understood what we were trying to say. She hugged us…it was one of those REAL hugs.
After she was interviewed in front of the courthouse she came over and told us to have a great holiday season…and to let us know that she has lots of Hope. She hugged us and thanked us again.
In fact, all of her family came over and said hello and offered up hugs.
I understand how this looks ‘weird’. Two house-wives out looking for a ‘dead body’ and spending our time in court.
What I don’t understand is how people can tease, mock or poke fun at us for doing it. We aren’t asking that they get in our car and help us look. We aren’t asking for them to come to court with us. We have never asked anything from them.
‘Cita’s husband told her, “Just remember that they can say whatever they want. They can crack all the jokes they want. They will never know how good you feel when Christie’s mom thanks you and smiles when she is updated on the places you have been and where you’re going next. It doesn’t even matter when you think about the hope you bring that family.”
Hope. It’s not even measurable.
Where the hell did this weekend go?
Who took the weekend like a wet rag and RUNG IT OUT?
The Ebay craze in our house is over the top. Alyx, our budding artist, has decided that she’s going to put up her picture of the Blog Frog she drew when he was here.
When you ask her what she wants to be when she grows up she says, “An Artist.” When Shaun moved in and brought all his paint brushes and paints it just fed her dream.
Being the supportive mother I am, i’m going to promote the hell out of that picture for her.
If you have Ebay, go check out the listing. Bid you want, but PLEASE at least put it on your ‘watching’ list so when Shaun shows her how many people are ‘watching’ her picture she will get excited.
For my readers if you are the winning bidder (at ANY price) I will include a pair of Monkey Toe Socks. If you win, just send me an email.
*note to Jessica Rabbit – your cursed monkey is on the way. I will not be held responsible for the fucked up hair days and reduced breast size that might occur after the monkey arrives.
When Kara decided she wanted to be a singer, I bought her a karaoke unit. The sound of her trying to hit certain notes caused some hearing loss, but I’ll live.
I guess I should be grateful that Alyx wants to be a artist and not a brain surgeon.
Wait…..maybe I need to re-think this.