Last year on this day I was not happy. I was sad & frustrated…and fed up. I was done.
I’ve never been a big fan of New Year’s day anyway. It seems like all the really bad things in life, I found out on or near New Years Day.
When I was 16 I found out on a 45 minute trip to town that my best friend slept with my boyfriend. We were half way to where we were heading when new years rolled over. I was sitting in between the two of them. It was horribly painful to not be able to get out of the car or beat the living hell out of them.
When I was 18 I found out that my parents still had sex on more than just New Years Day. They had sex a lot. That just grosses me out. I love The Fonz…but EWWW. just…eww.
I found out in 1999 that the party I was waiting for, SUCKED. Prince was so wrong. I now party like it’s 1988 instead.
One New Years a few years ago I found out the guy I was obsessed with was with someone else.
The next year I spent New Years rearranging my furniture and avoiding breaking up with someone that I was with only because I was lonely.
One New Years I was with someone that wouldn’t kiss me in public because he didn’t want our friends to know we were sleeping together.
Last year, it wasn’t any better. It was almost the end of my relationship with Shaun.
This year marks a huge accomplishment in my life. I was in a relationship that I wasn’t sure I wanted to work out. I stuck with it instead of just walking out. I WORKED for this relationship.
So tonight when it rolls over to 2006 I will know that last year was one of the better years in my life. I wasn’t obsessing over someone I couldn’t have, I wasn’t with someone that was embarrassed of us and I wasn’t trying to figure out how to end a relationship I didn’t want to be in.
I earned this year.
Watching The Ball Drop- 2006
As Dick Clark is dusted off and joins Ryan Seacrest (third sign of the apocolypse, I believe) for the televised beginning of 2006, we bloggers pause momentarily to reflect on 2005.
My New Year’s Resolution
Lenses. They are a integral part of my photography obsession. I’ve actually put together a formidable collection of these bad boys, now I need to master them. So my resolution for 2006 is to improve my photographic skills by learning these things inside and out. So if you were sick of all the 2005 photos, get out now.
My Favorite Picture of 2005
SOOOOO many pictures to choose from…..but this one was a fun one that actually ended up becoming my blog masthead for many months of 2005. The photo is actually one Shaun took of me taking a picture of Alyx while we were all on a very secluded beach in Pacifica, CA. Deciding on my favorite photo was a toughie, but if it has to be just one……
Something I’ll be GLAD to leave behind in 2005
&*^$@*&*^$ Ugly curtains must go in 2006. They’re ugly. They don’t match our room. And they’re ugly and don’t match our room. They are gone in 2006. Along with several other home improvements, the great curtain replacement will surely make its way to Random and Odd (that would be the day you want to skip…maybe go outside or something).
Well, everyone have a great and safe New Year’s! 2006 should be a fun one.
I watched “One Flew Over the cuckoo’s Nest” tonight.
Shaun fell asleep half way through, and even though I’m not a big movie watcher, I was too lazy to get up and turn it off. I watched it all the way through.
After it was over I thought; Anxiety. yes. Mentally Ill. no.
I turned off the tv and got into bed thinking about how much Jack Nicholson reminded me so much of an old friend of mine, Dale. He has the same ‘Devil may care’ attitude. I talked to Dale the other day online. He got married. I’m getting married too.
I’m getting married. I need to set a date. I guess I need to set a timeframe of how long it will take me to lose this weight so I can fit into a dress.
It’s about here I realize what I am doing. I’m going into ‘anxiety mode’. I rub my eyes and scratch my scalp real hard. That might help clear my head enough to go to sleep.
The lights are off. The TV is off. Shaun’s asleep right here. I’m safe.
Sometimes if I roll over it will shut off the anxiety or redirect my thoughts. Now on my left side I am thinking about the car. I need to renew the insurance. They are going to want some sort of payment up front. I’m going to have to use some of the child support check to take care of that. I need to call the ex tomorrow and have him…oh God. I can’t breathe.
I sit up and try rolling over to the other side. The other side is full of everything I left over on the other side now. Car insurance. Dress sizes. Ex husbands.
I can actually feel my stomach knotting up as I try to find a comfortable pillow.
Excedrin PM or Benedryl…which one will knock me out fastest? The clock only says 1am. There is no way I can fall asleep on my own that early. I could turn back on the television and get lost in the episode of Frosty the Snowman I have Tivoed. No. I need to learn to go to sleep on my own.
I put my head back down and try to remember a time when I could turn off the lights and go to sleep like a normal person without feeling like I am going to burst into tears, clutch my stomach and explode. I know there was a time when I could lay down and not worry about every single detail of my life.
Is there a way I could just focus on ONE part of my life without everything jumping in line screaming “WHAT ABOUT ME? Remember ME?”
Was I really good at drowning those things out or did I not have that before? When did all of this start?
Realizing that trying to analyze why I have anxiety isn’t going to make it better I decide to get up and check the locks on the house. OCD? no. maybe a little. When did I start doing this? I check to make sure the boy is covered and the back door is locked. The locks on the door seems a bit harder to turn. I need to get that checked. I also need to call the people about the carpet. I really need to have it cleaned again. dumb dogs. During a task to try to get my mind off not being able to sleep, I pile more on.
I know. I’ll go to bed and swear to only think about really good things. This week the kids are off of school and Shaun took his vacation time. I need to clean the bedroom. I just tripped over something that may or may night be alive at the foot of my bed. This week we are going to do neat things like some home repair and I promised to take the kids rollerskating. How did I get swindled into doing that again? Oh yeah, dumb ex asked me if I would. Oh yeah. I need to tell him to come over and drop off the check he keeps forgetting to drop off. I would rather I didn’t have to do that. He always makes me listen to his financial whoas when I do. STOP. I swore to only think of the good stuff.
Skiing. Tyler and Shaun have never been skiing so I am taking them skiing. Tomorrow is Wednesday right? Shit. We have to go on Wednesday or Thursday because Friday they go to their mom’s house. I need to call and check road conditions. This is going to be a pain in the ass. Who’s going to watch the little ones while we go?
I roll over again, hoping to locate the pillow that will somehow cause me to fall asleep when I see the answering machine messages. 18. The dog ate the phone lines and now I have no house phone. There are static messages on the machine from parents saying they may or may not be able to make it to Alyx’s birthday party at the roller rink next week. The same party I HAVE NOT BOOKED YET.
GOOD THINGS. I lay back down and think about Christmas with my sister. I love her so much. At any point my parents could die.
I’m up now. There is NO way to go back to sleep after that.
I go and crack the bedroom door and climb back into bed. Sometimes getting up out of the bed will shake bad thoughts. Sometimes I will stare at the door crack and listen for things. It’s my ‘Guard Dog’ motherly ways. If I just stare at the door I can make sure that nothing comes in the house, down the hallway and into my children’s rooms. Sometimes I stare at it until one eye closes…then the other and I fall asleep. At least, in my head, I can rationalize that fear.
Anxiety. yes. Mental illness. ?.
It’s New Years Eve this Friday…in like 3 days! You ready for this? You ready to start a BRAND NEW YEAR?
Your mission for Friday (New Years Eve) is this:
1. Your New Years Resolution.
2. Your Favorite Picture from 2005
3. Something you’ll be glad to leave behind in ’05
The first one is almost a freebie. You can just get all random and odd and post a picture that has nothing to do with your resolution. You will not be seeing a pack of smokes on my blog. Quit asking me to stop. NO ONE LIKES A QUITTER!
The second one is up to you. It can be a picture from something fun you did or just the best picture you think you took. Something you achieved. Something you got. Anything really…I’m being SO damn nice this week.
The third one is a bit harder huh? Something you want to leave behind…Sometimes it’s hard to capture this…try. I bet you can do it if you just look through the view finder and try to capture it.
I made it easy or hard. Much like my sex life.
This year…Christmas went to the dogs. I have 6 different dogs on my Flickr site from this weekend alone. I had no idea how fun dogs were to take pictures of.
Did you know that after you take their picture and show them the shot you got they don’t say, “Ewww, that makes my face look fat!” In fact they look at the picture and then look at you and NEVER say anything. I didn’t even hear, “That one is a little blurry, try again.”
Dogs are so cool.
So is it wrong to say that I am glad Christmas is over? Is it wrong to want to say it because I want to go buy myself presents?
I got some neat things. Of course, my favorite being the Muppets DVD. The Ex bought me a nice robe from the girls & my step son. It’s really cozy and I look like Hugh Hefner. My father in law…with keeping with tradition, bought me a wooden duck.
I had mentioned to my brother that I wanted a John Deere hat, I got it. Next year I am going to mention that I want a new Ford F150.
I was so excited to see what you all had gotten. I made it to a few of your blogs to check out your pictures. Recovering Straight Girl got a Nikon D50! Nothing says, “I love you so much.” Like a Nikon.
There were a couple things I REALLLLY wanted for Christmas. I wanted a bottle of the DKNY be delicious perfume. Don’t think I am a label person, because i’m not. I don’t even know who DK is, but I know she lives in NY. Also know that I don’t want the perfume just because the bottle is shaped like an apple…that’s just a total bonus! I actually like the smell of it.
I also want the speedflash for my camera.
So if you find yourself in Rocklin and you see a hooker on the side of the road wearing a Hugh Hefner robe, let it be known that I am hooking myself for camera supplies…but I smell fantastic!
I hope you all had a great Christmas! I got a wood duck, pink robe & the first season of “The Muppet Show” on DVD.
Shaun got a cross dressing Santa hugging a frog-ornament (thanks Fonz), Nintendo Flashback (with the greatest game EVER…Pong!) and a Home Depot gift card.
Tyler got his NintendoDS system. Marina got her cell phone. Shea got a video camera. Alyx got a video game that will keep her entertained for hours and hours. Kara got a credit card (Watch out Roseville Mall!)
All in all it was probably the best Stone/Baland Christmas thus far. (We’ve only really had 2 official Christmasasssess though)
What did you all get?
I thought it would be an ‘online’ story, but it made it to the black and white!
For a larger size so you’re able to read it, Click HERE
Every Friday morning I go to your blogs and check out your stuff.
I noticed a certain name that is usually ALWAYS on my list, not there today.
Renee from “Our Life Journey” lost her dad in a car accident.
Please, send prayers or good vibes…both if you have them. Take a moment today to give her all the strength you can spare.
Renee, know we love you, have you in our thoughts….
Stuff Portrait Friday- HO HO HO!!!!
OK, this episode is not a ‘holiday’ version. Its a straight-up baby Jesus, Santa with reindeer, stockings, and overpriced electronic goods Christmas post!! For those of you who don’t celebrate Christmas, thanks for respecting our difference in traditions. And sorry for all the crowded malls, traffic jams, and sickening jewelry store ads. The three wise men realllllly should have seen this coming.
My favorite wrapped present
I have no idea whats in this box, but I’m loving the crinkled paper technique that would make Martha Stewart and Christopher Lowell squeal in delight (insert your own joke there).
What I added to the decorations this year
My favorite word: Hope. On a star, on the tree, in the living room. Perfect.
The Christmas Card Collection
This is so cool. Cards from all over the country. From friends, family, and fellow bloggers. We are so blessed to have such a great froup of people here. The great cards and wishes have been great!!
So its been a very special Random And Odd. I hope you and your family have a Merry Christmas!!