• Random and Odd

    We stick together and can see it through cause you’ve got a friend in me.

      It’s been a week and a half and it’s still hard to write about. Last Tuesday I was suppose to go to my weekly mBFF friend dinner, but he couldn’t get back to Sacramento in time and we decided to put it off until next week.  This is the part where everything got weird.  I have a notfriend/friend guy I knew from my hockey days and I had sent him a facebook message letting him know that everything he was writing about our friend, Midori was spot on and exactly how it feels.  He opened up about how he was struggling with losing his friend.  He asked if I…

  • Random and Odd

    Trying to fit your hand inside of mine when we know it just don’t belong

    People come into your life for a reason and I keep wondering why my past came to visit me in the second half of my life and I keep getting gentle reminders. This weekend I met this young kid who was hanging out at the trash bin at my apartment complex. I struck up a conversation with him and found that he was homeless and doing some couch surfing to get out of his hometown of Stockton because he got into drugs and he didn’t want that lifestyle for him and his dog. We talked for a good 30 minutes and we shared stories. I explained some of the things…

  • Random and Odd

    Cry me a river…

      I went to Redding this weekend and my sister and I had couple of nice hikes. We went to some waterfalls up in Mt. Shasta and then made our way over to a lake to walk off our lunch. We came across this bridge that a bunch of kids were jumping off of. There was this young blonde girl and her boyfriend standing on the edge. She laughed and let go.  He jumped in right after her.  I walked to the edge to see the two had entangled in an embrace and were kissing.  Tears instantly filled my eyes.   E use to talk with such love when he…

  • Random and Odd

    It’s a Family Tradition!

      Had dinner with the bestest of friends. It had been about 13 years since we all hung out and my beautiful friend, Lisa was more than thrilled to have both of ‘her boys’ at dinner.   We made our way over to the Tree and it was so weird to see the changes they have made to the place, but it still looked and felt the same. We sang along with Jerry when he sang Family Tradition and even danced when he sang Margaritaville. So many amazing, wonderful and beautiful memories of hanging out with my crew from when I was in college. Lisa rode from dinner with Dale…

  • Random and Odd

    Life goes on…

    Another weekend in the books. I had a Celebration of Life BBQ I went to on Saturday.  My friend, Midori has terminal liver cancer and all of her hockey family got together to give her some love and spend some time with her. I met Midori while I was scorekeeping a few years ago.  It was a job to just have a few extra dollars between the photo shoots and weddings I was busy doing.  I was at the rink all the time anyway because my boyfriend played hockey there on Sundays.   Midori was quiet, but she was fun to hang out with.  I use to play her dance…

  • Random and Odd

    band-aids don’t fix bullet holes.

        After I realized that I wasn’t in any position to move forward, I decided I couldn’t stay in that place.  I had been in that place before and it wasn’t a healthy place for me to be.  To those around me, I am doing fine and they don’t even ask how I am doing anymore (except my step daughter who knows that even though I am smiling and say i am fine–it’s a lie and she calls me on it). I have a handful of friends that I have allowed to know the true details of what happened and how fucked up sad I am from it.  …

  • Random and Odd

    quest.

    It feels like I am at a stop sign to a busy street and instead of trying to find a spot to get in, i’m sitting there staring off into space with no interest to move forward. There is a girl power- fight song on the radio and I know I should be able to let all this go, but it’s wrapped around me like a blanket.  I have no interest in fighting this sadness. The lyrics of the song is still poking me.  Yes, I know…shake it off, pull yourself into the light you belong and stop having your wishbone where you oughta have a backbone.  Lyrics, songs, memes,…

  • Random and Odd

    Fermare…again.

    To stop. I tried to meditate yesterday and I kept having anxiety bursts. I finally had to yell, STOP in my head to get it to stop.  The anxiety attacks have been creeping back in, but not as big as the one I had before a wedding I had to shoot.  In retrospect, I had a lot going on and I was suppressing a lot of things.  These are the little ones that happen before the massive one hits.  The jolts (not a full on anxiety attack…just a heart stopping jolt that usually kick starts a doozy) hit me from out of no where.  I had just finished a guided…

  • Random and Odd

      I’m back from Kaua’i. I spent the most of today just sleeping and trying to get my back feeling better.  I figured by now it would be better, but it’s not. That’s what I get for daring to take on the ocean. I’d like to say that I was healed and my heart is no longer broken, but it is.  In so many pieces that I don’t think it will ever go back to the way it was. Screaming is what I really want to do, but it’s pointless.  I keep thinking there is some sort of reason for all of this, but I don’t see it.  Why would…

  • Random and Odd

    Out with it!

    I haven’t really said much about all the stuff that went down with E and I because I have a saying, “It’s not my story to tell.”  and the things that lead up to where I am now still isn’t my story to tell, but the things that have happened is. I need to tell it because I don’t want to forget and 20 years from now thing, “Oh I wonder if I should give that crazy ass another chance.”  No. I don’t. It’s been hard on me, because I have loved him for a long time and he has loved me for even longer. To be loved by someone…