I keep waiting

Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random

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I threw out my back two days before leaving for Kauai.  I was hoping to use this time to get stronger and get over all the bullshit I have going on in my head, but I am spending the majority of the time learning how to sit down and stand up without crying in pain.
Everything happens for a reason, this I know for certainty.  The saying always pisses me off because it means that I am in the process of learning something I don’t want to learn.
I got a text and a phone call, most of which I don’t remember because I was highly medicated on pain killers, but the one thing I do remember is asking the one question that holds whatever future we might have and he didn’t want to answer it so I know that means that nothing really has changed.

I don’t want to be here and be sad. Yet here I am…sad.  Sad because I was suppose to be holding his hand and walking along the beach. So far I have just sat there and looked out at the beach.  Maybe tonight I will walk out there.  I don’t know.

Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random

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Dreaming is a bitch.
The other night I dreamt that everything was back to normal. We were laughing in my kitchen and I looked into his clear eyes and he said, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what happened, I wasn’t right in my head. I am sorry I hurt you and believed such wicked, horrible things.” I touched his face and smiled at him. I woke up crying because I knew that day would not come. If past truly does repeat itself then I will be at blame or all that went wrong this time around, just like when we were kids. Someone else will be to blame for his actions. I wish I could say, “I didn’t know what I was getting into.” but the reality is, I did. I just didn’t incorporate the mental breakdown he was going to have and how I went from being the person that brought him calmness to the person who was his trigger in such a short amount of time.

I know that I will never be able to be with the person I love because I cause him to lose his mind by just being who I am and the person he said he would love forever. Sometimes love isn’t enough I guess.

I woke up this morning angry. Since this all happened I have been sitting on the edge of anger. That comes with having to defend myself every time we spoke. This morning though I was angry because I had more dreams. This time I was yelling at him to listen to me, to believe me. He just stood there and mocked me. I don’t know what is better, the good dreams that make me sad and miss him or the dreams where I wake up angry and want to scream at how unfair this whole thing turned out. If I am being honest, I thing I would take the angry mornings because at least I am in touch with the reality of how it’s going to be….over. It’s unfair that his mind wasn’t strong enough. It’s unfair that I couldn’t be the one to spend the rest of my life with someone that would love me with all that he ever was and was going to be. It’s unfair that he made promises of a lifetime of cuddles, dinners, laughter, walks in the woods and fun adventures. It’s unfair that I got to see all that I ever wanted with the one person I wanted it all with and it got ripped away from me in such a cruel way.

Now I see all that I want. He showed me what kind of love I deserve. Maybe someday someone will walk into my life and be able to show me that again. It won’t be him though. It won’t be the one person that looked at me like I was his angel. He will never look at me like that again because his mind broke and he saw me as something so unlike me that there is no magic eraser to fix it.

“Dandelion
A million little wishes float across the sky
But it’s a waste of breath and a waste of time, I know
Cause just like him, you always leave me crying
Dandelion”

Now I prepare for Hawaii where hopefully I recover from this disaster.

Throwing Rocks to Save My Life.

Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random

I hit the trails today.
We had planned a different hike, but when it was suggested we hike Knickerbocker Canyon, I agreed.  It was too soon to reclaim it, but a reminder was what I wanted.  I wanted to see us one more time…when things were beautiful and right with us. I wanted to remember you.

On every hike I went on after I decided to give my heart back to the one person who never wanted to give it away in the first place, I would see a rock and pick it up.  I told him he was on every trail with me, in one way or another.  A large collection of rocks are stacked on my counter by the sink.
” see all the trails i took you on?” I asked him, then I would lean into his neck and steal a kiss.
The trail today started off rough. Rocks were flashing before me saying, “I’m here.” and I would refrain from picking them up and holding them close to my heart, “I know you are. I know you are here with me.”

I reached a point in the trail that overlooks the calm river below and my heart ached. I remembered.  I remembered as I looked over at him on that very first time i brought him there. “this is my favorite part of the trails.” I smiled at finally being able to show him.  “ask me.” and he smiled at me knowing what I wanted to hear, “will you marry me, Weezie?” “Absolutely!”
I remembered that moment because his hand was in mine as he fiddled with the ring that was a promise of a lifetime of proposals until the day he would make me his bride and possibly everyday after that.

I pushed past the memories and took on some hills, begging for a moment of peace in my head. I began talking to myself, “There are two important times in life.  The moment you realize that all the shit you went through in your life led that you to the place you are so you can appreciate the person you had become and the person you were with.  The other time is when you realize all the the shit in your life that happened led you to the place where you have to use that knowledge to make the right choice to save your life.”
I was out there today to save my life.  I had a destination…the river.  I was going to dive into the river and wash myself clean and find my footing.
The water was freezing, but the breeze was still warm and I plunged in and came up gasping.  My foot rested on a rock and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t find the balance to remain standing on it.
“find your footing, Kristine.”  I whispered to myself.  I dropped my heel down and just like that I was no longer floundering. I was standing effortlessly. “Stare ahead and focus on something on the horizon.”  I rested there with complete focus for what seemed like forever and then I felt myself falling backwards into the water, “TRUST FALL” I yelled out and went under.

The climb back out of the canyon proved to be hotter than I anticipated, but a million small steps got me through. I was too overheated to think about my heartbreak or feel his hand still in mine as he smiled at me, “Weezie, you’re the worst hiker EVER.” played on the hot breeze that would occasionally creep through the canyon walls.
My determination to get through this hike blocked out sounds and memories until the final stretch.
I climbed out of the canyon and I saw us sitting there from months before. “go on without me.” i begged him and we laughed so hard we both were crying.  There we were, that memory so vivid.
I kept walking and put my head down.  Sadness washed over me.  We would never have a moment like that ever again. We would no longer be making new memories.
I kept my head down and watched my feet as they kept moving. I begged God to make it better, to make this pain stop and that is when I saw the broken beer bottles on the trail and I had a flash of sound of bottles hitting the bottom of my trash can.  I heard the words he yelled at me. I heard myself begging for silence. “Do not respond.” I repeated over and over. I saw the face of mental illness and how it was destroying all that we had spent a life time building.

With only a short amount of time left to clear my head I said out loud, “I AM HERE! I AM NOT THERE!”

I crested the canyon alone. no one pulling me up. his hand not in mine anymore.

It will take a long time to be able to hike that trail and not see him next to me, hearing our laugher echo through the canyons.

Someday I will reclaim that trail.

Today was not that day.

Evergreen

Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random

Have you ever thought about a certain day and how it can change your whole life?  What if you knew what that date was?  What if it was coming up?
I’m faced with exactly that. I have a lot of changes coming up soon that I thought I wouldn’t be ready for, like Shea graduating from high school.  The reality is that I am ready. That day use to scare me because that would mean a sense of freedom I have not had in roughly 23 years.  My grand plan was that I was going to pack it up and move back to Redding and spend my last half of my life with my sister.  Like a nimrod I didn’t exactly financially plan for it though.  When I met my second husband I was certain that we would build a life here and watch the girls grow up and live happily ever after.  Fairytale endings don’t seem to work out for me though.  Or maybe they do. We shall see.

I was on a trail run with my crew last weekend and mid run I stopped.  “I know the date that my whole life is going to change and things will never be the same. It won’t be the same as it is today. I’m going to change and things are going to be different.”
It was scary and thrilling at the same time.  As that day draws closer I want to better prepare myself for it and that means living authentically.  Last night something threw itself in my path and I approached it as honestly as I could.   Walking around the situation with fresh eyes and seeing it for what it was. A test.  This was a test to see if I could handle this new change.  Stepping back from it, but being honest with my feelings for it I examined it.  Was it going to bring me happiness? No.  Was it going to make me love myself more? Absolutely not.  Not needing to examine it further I decided to let the other person see it for what it was as well.   When one is not living authentically they grow angry at examination and that is exactly what happened.
I believe I have heard the last of it and the test was passed.  I’m glad it happened now and not after the upcoming date of change.  I was able to live in that moment and deal with it the best way that I could.

I’m excited for change.  This is new for me.  The unexpected has always frightened me, but for once I am ready with open arms.

well that was dumb…

Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random

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Words are the most awesome things in the whole world.  Just a handful of letters in our alphabet and a everyone has a way of stringing them together to create stories, helpful advice, love letters or beautiful songs.  Sadly it goes both ways and words can be used to hurt.

 

See, there’s this thing.  I am ridiculed for the mistakes I have made in this life when it comes to love.  I have NEVER made the right choice and I have loved all the wrong people. Even the people that have been wonderful are subjects to the ‘mistakes mom has made.’

Alas, I will just silently walk out of the dating ring and hopefully after a million years go by my children will have forgotten my mistakes and only remember that I did once love, even if they weren’t the people they thought I should.

Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random

 

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“When I first saw you, I saw love
And the first time you touched me, I felt love
And after all this time,
You’re still the one I love
Looks like we made it
Look how far we’ve come my baby
We mighta took the long way
We knew we’d get there someday”

 

I spent the last weekend in the mud trail running with two of my best friends in the world.   Dan is my ex-husband (17 years) and Tabitha is my 2nd ex-husband’s first wife.    It sounds strange, but it works and I couldn’t be happier for that oddness.
There is something about running and hiking with people, you have to be honest with them and they have to be with you. It’s a trust thing that you build.   This weekend I let Tabitha know that I am ready to open up to letting someone in my life again.   That’s a HUGE thing for me because there are days when I don’t think I can do it again, but some days when I am not lonely (because I have learned the difference between ‘lonely and alone’…but alone and I think that I want to let someone in.

 

Baby steps.

 

 

 

Friday Nights

Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random

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It’s Friday morning and I was thinking how tonight I will come home and finish taking down my tree and preparing for the new year ahead of me.
New years was amazing. One of the bests I can remember.  I had a great dinner with my mom, sister and brother in law.  When I got home I got to talk to my best friend from high school.  It was beyond words I can use to explain how incredibly special that conversation was to me.  “Missing” her just doesn’t cover it. When I heard her voice it was like a part of my soul filled up.   The first day of the year I got to see her.  What a wonderful way to start of the new year.  The next day I got to hang out with my other friend, Bo from high school.   High school for me was in the 1980’s so it’s a great feeling to ‘remember’.
The friendships I had back then were like (what I would guess) people that go through boot camp with and then end up at war, fighting side by side.    The stories we have are hysterical and heartbreaking.  Putting our stories together and filling in the holes of our memories.

The whole, ‘not giving a shit what people think’ is still stirring around in my brain.  This life, the short grain of sand in the big scheme of things is tugging at me.  I’m ready to not give a shit anymore and just live this bitch until the wheels fall off.
Sometimes when I start getting too much in my head, I think, “Who fucking cares?”  and then I think about the shit that people will talk if I decided to live my life like I really want to…and that kills the dream, BUT THEN this voice pops into my head.  It’s Tabitha and she’s saying, “Go away, you are nobody.”   EXACTLY, all those people that will have my name on their lips, talking their shit are nobody.  In the BIG PICTURE of this life I really only care what my sister thinks about me.  She is my compass and she points me in the right direction.  My girls…well, lets be honest…they know that their mom is different, lives by the rules, but is constantly finding ways to break them.   They understand I am not like other moms.  I love differently.

So yeah. Who gives a shit if I decide to just pack it all in and just live this life until it’s over?

Christmas 2015

Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random

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This is the first Christmas in ever that I have woken up alone.  It’s probably a good thing that the last few months I have been doing just that to prepare me for today.  I was awaken by a text message coming in (Christmas and New year seem to be the holiday I get texts from family and friends I never hear from) and my first thought was, “This is Christmas morning…” and I felt sad that i’m alone.   After my coffee was made and I crawled back into bed, I decided to analyze my feelings and see where that sadness was coming from.   Was I truly sad or was it that I was SUPPOSE to feel sad waking up alone on Christmas morning?

It wasn’t real sad…it was expected sad.  After rolling around past Christmas-s I know that this one is going to be a great one.  Last night was my reminder of that.  The girls, Dan, Tabitha, Rina Roo and Jeremiah all piled into the cars and went to Boston Market for Christmas eve dinner and I sat there and listened to all my kids laughing so hard they were in tears.  I looked over at Tabitha and whispered, “This is the best present I could have been given….all my kids back in one place and laughing.”  She knew because we spent the whole dinner just smiling and laughing with them.  It’s my favorite sound when all 4 of my girls are laughing at the same time.
Next Christmas is going to be different and I am going to enjoy this one with every fiber of my being.  Who knows what next year will bring into our lives or what will be removed.   My thought is we will have Dan’s new girlfriend with us, and who knows…maybe Tabitha and I will have met someone we want to share our holidays with.  Right now that is the least of my expectations of next year.  I do know we will be sitting around talking about all the adventures we went on in 2016 and what plans we have already going for 2017.   The girls might have their significant others over.  Maybe Marina will have made it home again.  I don’t know.

I do know that someday after I am gone I want the girls to read this and know that there was no better moment than hearing all of them together last night.   To know that later Kara and Marina got to go for a drive alone and sing music and talk and be the sisters they haven’t got to be in so many years because of distance.  I want Marina to know that sitting outside listen to her just SPILL her heart and tell her story for an hour was a memory I will cherish.   I was Marina’s step mom from 5th grade and I know how she is when she has too many feelings going on at one time, she shuts down and doesn’t talk or share.  She pushes you away until she works out what she needed to and if you’re lucky you will get to hear her share how she feels.  Most of the time you didn’t. That was always reserved for Kara.   I can’t tell you how many times I use to lay in bed with her while she just sat there, tearless and just in horrible emotional pain and unable to share what she was feeling.  She would just sigh and say, “It’s just….” and she would start to tear up and suck it all back in.  It killed me that she use to do that.  I knew it wasn’t healthy, but it was how she got through.   She was telling her story yesterday and she cried and didn’t stop sharing.  She has grown up so much and I am so proud of her.   For My Rina Roo, I wish her the wings to fly, the voice to tell her story and the love she has finally found.

Okay, it’s time to get ready to open presents at Dan’s new house and then take my kids on a hike!

The State of Self…

Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random

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My doctor thinks I’m okay.  He said, “I’ll see you in class.” Without medication in me, he doesn’t need to make appointments.   It was kind of sad, but I am excited about being back in class and able to get more focused.   I did ask him about my old friend and he just smiled and said, “What would it hurt?”
Ohhhh, nothing except my brain, heart and mess up my whole freakin’ zen thing I got going over here.

I was listening to a bunch of old songs on Friday night (yes, that is what I do as a single person. I sit in my apartment and listen to old music and edit pictures on Friday night) and I had to keep listening to this one line over and over because I wanted to fully absorb it:

“Life is too short to have sorrow
You may be here today and gone tomorrow
You might as well get what you want
So go on and live, baby, go on and live” -Aaron Neville

I started thinking about my mom and her story. When Dan and I split up we sat on the phone for a couple of hours when she finally told me about how it ended with her first husband and the regret she carried. I’m glad for that conversation even though I swore she was just telling me so I wouldn’t leave my husband.  Sometimes I wonder if we glamorize the loves of our parents youth because it was such an innocent time? It was just young love and that shit is the most powerful thing on the planet.  If we could harness the energy from our first loves…we could seriously cure each and every crisis out there.
There doesn’t seem to be anything more powerful than love and loss.   Loss brings about a creative outlet that creates music, poetry and art that will rip through your soul.  The falling in love creates this addictive like drug in our system that makes us just stupid as hell.    That first love though, OUCH.
My friend, Kacy lost her husband this year.  It was one of those kinds of loves that you enjoy being able to see blossom.  Johnny loved her with every fiber in his being and it was that toe curling love.  He was never holding back his love for her and didn’t care if he looked like an idiot.   He loved like he knew that life was too short to have sorrow.

This very short life we have, we will have many people come and go.  They will judge you, they will hate you, they will be angry at you for not being in their life anymore.  There will also be people that will love you, support you and be grateful that you allow them your time.

I want to live guilt free, but I know that isn’t possible.  I’m so fucking guilty of hurting others, not being what they needed to be, for no longer being in their life.   I can’t feel that guilt anymore though. This life, is SO FUCKING SHORT and I want to be happy for the last tiny bit I have left.

So fuck it.  I’m going to live…

Dreaming

Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random

Every dream I have been having is about hiking.  The dream I just awoke from was about this beautiful canyon.   I was setting up our tent (which was HUGE and not the 1 man tent I have) and I tell Dan and Tabitha that I need the poles to spike. Dan brings me over my trekking poles and they are chewed off at the end.  I asked what happened and he told me ‘big ants ate them.’  That means something, i’m just not sure what.

I’m signed up for my snow shoe class.  As predicted, I got tired of waiting and signed up and I have a hockey friend of mine going with me.  What’s strange is that she is on my photo a day group and we run around in all the same circles, but we have never actually met in person.  Now we are signed up for a day long snowshoeing class and she’s joining me!  We are both into photography, hiking and getting outside more so this should be fun.  I signed up for a couple of trail runs too and I put them out there and people said they want to join me, but come race day I am sure I will be toeing up to the start line alone.

Today is my counseling session. There a couple things I want to talk to him about.  Recently someone I pushed out my life a million years ago has come back.   This has happened a few times in the past year and instead of holding on to that anger, I decided to let it go and listen to what they had to say. I have been blessed with being able to forgive them for what they did.  This is one of those opposite things though.  Even though this person isn’t asking for forgiveness from me.  They just want to hang out and catch up.
This person isn’t a ‘hang out and catch up’ kind of person in my life.  This is someone I have kept at arms length for 20 plus years.   I need to ask my therapist if I need to stop keeping this person in a box.  It’s so complicated he might tell me to run.  I think I would be sad if I did that though.  Weird.

My friend Amanda said, This sounds like it went from 2016 to 20KRISTINE.   I just wish the holidays were over and my new year was started already.

I think I will meditate the new year in with thoughts of letting go of the past.   Last night I heard a line, “every step forward begins with a foot firmly planted in the past.”
I was on a hike awhile back and I had one of those moments where things seem to make sense and I knew what I needed to do.  I needed to recognize when I KNEW I was doing something that wouldn’t benefit my future Self and stop focusing on the current Self.  There is something so powerful about the past and holding on to things you know aren’t good for you.  It’s a mistake I’m not ready to make…again.   Or am i?