One of the hard things about making sure your kids aren’t getting into trouble on the internet and watching what they do, is finding out stuff you don’t want to.
Someone in UpperClass Heaven loves me, because my kids…as annoying as they get, are GOOD kids.
As I am typing this I hear Kara and Marina giggling and goofing around as they avoid getting ready to leave for school.
Normally I would be yelling at them to knock it off and just get ready or the’ll be late. This morning, I’m just listening to them laugh at each other.
I’m counting my “I have teenagers” blessings today.
1. Kara is dressed in all black. Not because she’s goth and suicidal, but because she’s wearing her softball uniform for her game later today.
2. The girls are yelling at each other. It’s not because they hate each other, but because they are trying to help each other find backpacks and jackets so they can be to school on time.
3. The girls are giggling like loons. Not because they smoked a bowl in the bedroom before getting up, but because Kara’s being a dork and trying to make Marina laugh.
4. One of them has a band-aid on. Not because they cut themselves, but because they fell down playing.
5. They talk to me. They don’t post messages that say, “I hate my mom, she’s a fucking bitch” on MySpace for all their friends to see.
It’s one of those mornings that I realize how lucky I am. Or is it luck?
Am I lucky that I don’t have to go through my kids rooms and backpacks to find out what is going on in their lives? Am I lucky that I know when they walk out the door to go to school that they actually end up there and not Mr.C’s pool hall? (sorry mom).
Is it luck that I know when something bad is happening in my kids life they don’t go in their room and cut themselves?
No, this isn’t luck. This is parenting. Holy shit, I’m a parent! I’m a damn good one too!
It takes looking at other kids that are leaving horrible messages, cussing left and right, talking about cutting themselves and wanting to die, that you realize…I did something right.
So what did I do right? I raised my kids just like My Mom, The Fonz did. Essentially, I became my mother…minus the .357 in my purse.
If there was something that I didn’t like that she did, I changed it.
I didn’t like that my mom drank when I was younger, so I don’t get drunk in front of the kids…(well, that one time, but who knew merlot could be so good?)
I didn’t like we lived in a mobile home in the middle of the woods, so I moved to Sacramento.
I didn’t like that she threatened to shoot my boyfriends, so I got a camera and I threaten to put incriminating pictures of their boyfriend on the internet.
It’s all about tweeking what our parents did right and wrong.
Now I’m left with what I do with the information I find out about these other kids…like, “I wish my mother was dead because she’s a fucking bitch.”
I understand that we all thought those things, we said them to our friends, we wrote them in our diaries…but these kids are putting stuff out there for the world to see. I would be MORTIFIED if one of the girls did that to me and I found out another parent had seen it.
I’m debating if I call this parent. She’s a single parent with like 3 or 4 kids. I don’t know what kind of parent she is, but if you read what her daughter writes or heard what she says about her…you would think this woman locks her in her room, beats and ignores her. If I say something to this parent, it’s going to be very clear WHO went to her mother and told her what she was saying on the internet and that means my two teenage girls MIGHT get their asses kicked at school.
What would you do? What would you want to know if you were the mother? What do you think?
44 responses to “peeking into the dark corners of the internet”
I had to put moderations on my comments. I’ve gotten over 300 spam messages on my blog in the past 24 hours.
Hi Kristine – Yes, you absolutely should say something to the other mother. Much as any kind of confrontation/tale-telling etc is gruesome, it is important that she is made aware of this potential situation that is brewing. If nothing else, if you do not tell her how would she too have a chance to be a damn good parent?!
Sucks about the spam comments!
Since you are such an awesome parent to your own kids, would it be possible for you to talk to the girl and let her know that you are concerned? And maybe get her side of the story? I know that a teenager would never do this, lol, but maybe she’s exaggerating small things online so that she can seem cooler to her friends. You know..one kid says my mom sucks, and then they try to best each other about who has the worst parents. Just an idea.
But, if you are really concerned and think she might be serious, I’d say risk it and tell the mom. The girl may end up hating you for it, but you could be preventing something bad. Just my opinion…
I am constantly all over my kids MySpace. It gives them an outlet but I still need to know what they are putting out there. My daughter has a friend who puts questionable things on her Myspace, like how sexy she and lies about her age. I have never told her mom because her mom wants to be her friend, instead of her mother, so it really wouldn’t do much good. It’s a tough call.
Technically, you are shooting their boyfriends just like Fonz threatened to shoot yours, but with a camera huh?
You are lucky your kids like to be around eachother and get pleasure in eachother’s company. Mine did too–still do when they are together. But a word of warning, they will stick together before telling you anything. It is what we want but don’t want. I could go on and on but won’t. Just one more thing, when they are in their 20’s they will tell you everything. Then the fun begins.
If the child is not also one of the ones cutting herself or talking about suicide, then I would let it be. Kids need to be able to vent and who knows what we would have posted if the Internet had been accessible in the 1980s. Boundaries between public/private space are very unclear here.
If she is one of the ones cutting herself or threatening suicide, I would e-mail the posts to the school’s guidance counselor. Let a professional deal with it. Use an alternate email address if it makes you feel more incognito.
Because as unkind as the things the kid is writing are, we all have our own truth. Just alerting the parent may not fix the problem, it may only silence the voice…
I would want to know but not every parent would, or honestly, she already would know.
My two cents for what they are worth.
Luck may have a little to do with it, but I’d bank more on your parenting, your involvement. It sounds like you’ve found a perfect balance between being a mother but still being close. (Funny how I see those things as mutually exclusive; where’s a therapist when you need one?)
Don’t know what to tell you on the myspace front. It would be an easy call if the kid were threatening to hurt herself or someone else. Since you’re not saying this mother is a good friend of yours, I’d be hesitant to get involved.
Yeah…That’s a good idea about the sending to the guidance counselor. I hadn’t thought of that. My first reaction is to be pissed for the parent, but also understanding that we all have felt that way about our parents at sometime. (sorry mom).
She talks about ‘cutting’ herself in her MySpace blog, but the majority of her ‘tochered’ self comes out in her bulletins, which I am guessing where the ‘hey, look at me’ is coming from.
What excellent advice from Stephlis! I have seen parents go berserk when confronted with the atrocities of their kids. Same time, passing the information to a professional can get the kid some attention she obviously needs and maybe put some pressure on the site to act more responsibly. Just my 1/2 kronor.
the only question i have is…why isn’t this parent keeping an eye on her child the way that you are on yours? why isn’t she finding this herself…?
i agree with the anonymous tip to the guidance counselor. you may feel compelled to intervene but i agree that your first concern remains your own children.
This is a tough one.
Although I’m not a parent, I had a pretty big role in raising my half-sister. I was 12 when she was born so I had a slight mothering role.
My sister is now 16, and she (although YES, she’s not getting the kind of positive attention she so needs) is being raised in a similar home to the one I was raised in. There are NO physical reprimands, only words. She is afforded lots of flexibility. She can have any food she wants as long as it’s healthy. Personally, I think it’s a pretty cushy deal. Far cushier than I had.
BUT, my sister posts absolute LIES online. She talks about how she gets smacked around, how she hasn’t eaten in two days, etc, etc. Outright lies; just to get attention. She doesn’t know I’m reading parts of her ‘online life’, but I’m glad I do.
While she totally can’t stand my stepmom (her mom), and writes about it online, she professes her love for me. I’m so glad that I still have some kind of line of connection there. I really hope she listens to my side (as being the older sister) someday when she really needs to hear it.
Not sure what you should do in this situation, but if you know the woman…give what her kid says some thought. If you think that the mom should know, then trust your gut.
This girl also talks of how her friends are helping her to not cut herself anymore, but how it’s so tempting when everything is so horrible in her life. THIS is the stuff that…not scares me…but PISSES ME OFF.
I can understand how as a parent not see everything your kids are doing, but CLEARLY you should know if your kid is CUTTING THEMSELVES! You should see this change from a cute little girl to a girl all in black with plastered makeup and cuts on her arms and legs. Right? or am I just living in a fantasy world? BE HONEST with me here…because I would think you would see this HUGE change in your child.
I’m not a parent, but I agree with the recommendation to refer her to a guidance counselor. If it’s something serious, they can help, and if it’s simply a cry for attention, they can probably see that. (I hope it’s the latter.)
You are such an awesome mom. I admire the way you talk about your brats. You all have a great mutual respect.
If it’s luck that you have such good kids, it’s only because you make your own luck.
I don’t think that you can always see a huge change in a/your teenager when self-mutilation occurs. My sister has cut herself and she was the same around me. NO ONE KNEW, until she told a counselor when asked.
I would direct the Mom to read her child’s MySpace account, telling her that you are concerned about the things she says. It may seem hard, but I would try not to place judgment on her – you just don’t know what is going on there – you just never know.
This is one of those “other man’s shoes” situations. We (and you) have no idea what goes on behind the closed doors of their house, and as Leafgirl points out, the entire MySpace thing could be a fantasy world for her. Normally, I’d say in those circumstances that we back away and let other people live in the world they create.
That said, expressing a need to “cut herself” constitutes a danger sign, and I don’t know that you can remain aloof – so, a word with the guidance counsellor might be in order. That also might remove things one more degree from you and your kids, giving them plausible deniability.
Good kids come from good parents. But good kids also come from bad parents. We’re part of the equation, but only a part. Too many times I’ve reached around to pat myself on the back and discovered a “kick me” sign.
Planted by my kids.
Hmm, what a conundrum.
Idon’t know what I’d do. I wonder what your daughters think you should do?
About the spam, you might have already tried this, I don’t know, but in wordpress, you can go to “options” then “discussion” and in the part that says “comment moderation” put the IP addresses of the spammers. That worked for me. I had the same problem.
Since I’m not a parent, I don’t have useful advice to impart.
I would say it has little to do with luck and everything to do with you and Shaun.
Maria
This is a tough one. I am a parent, but my son is only 5 years old and my stepchildren who are teenagers are really good kids. I haven’t had to deal with cutting issues or some of the other things you saw on this gal’s My Space. I would want to know. It would be hard for me to hear and I might get defensive, but in the end, I would thank you for telling me. It’s so hard and I can’t imagine being a single parent with 3 or 4 kids. Heck, I can’t imagine being a single parent to my one little guy! Parenting is hard enough so I think anything that other parents can do to help out or give advice to other parents is great. Of course, this is just my twisted advice. I still have AOL and IE, so what the hell am I talking about? ;)
Seriously, you have had some really good advice and you are an excellent parent. I think it is really considerate of you to want to help this kid and her mother as well.
Such a cry for attention. I am “the cool mom” in my kids eyes…and her friends. I play online with them and do the whole myspace thing. But I am also looking out for them.
My niece (who is graduating this summer) has one and I read hers and I am just mortified. She is putting on this whole persona that is not her. She talks about the whole cutting thing but in reality she is lucky to even be alive (she is a cancer survivor). She is doing this for attention and she is getting it but unfortunately its not from the one it needs to be from – her father.
You are a good mom. I as a parent would want to know if this was going on.
Unless the kid is also threatening to harm herself or others, I can’t see the point in telling her Mom.
I have no idea.
Be thankful for your kids, sister.
Yikes.
I actually had to deal with this recently. While cleaning my kids bathroom I found a note to my son from his gf. She was calling her mom a bitch for not letting her go out on Saturday to the movies. Although, I didn’t say anything to the mother I did say something to the gf. I explained that as mothers we do things we dont always like to do, but we do them with the best intentions. I told her calling her mother a bitch for not letting her go to the movies was part of being a young girl being protected by her mom…and she should think about things before she writes them down again. I told her I didnt think her language usage was the kind of girl I wanted my son associated with. The next day she broke up with my son. Who cares. She was a nasty snotty girl.
Girl, I just don’t know. My first instinct is to keep quiet if you think it is just an “outlet” type of thing. I am not a parent though, so take my advice as you will.
Your children are fab because you are a fab mom. Nuff said.
I don’t know what to tell you either. I guess I would probably tell the other mom.
I’m not a parent. But i am 17.
As a kid, you have stages where you hate your parents enough to blog stuff like that about them but it’s all about self control. I love my mum. don’t get me wrong but at times she drives me insane.I would never blog stuff like that though.A blog is awesome to let people know what is going on in your life. but some people take it a little further. You say yourself that you feel loved when you get so many comments – I’m sure its the same for this girl.
In conclusion, i don’t think you should tell the mum. It would only make it harder for her and cause conflict. It is obvious this girl needs to vent somewhere – as horrible as some of it is, she obviously needs to say it and silencing her won’t do any good. Consider it the same as a diary. Only with a million other people allowed access to it. Bad as it is to diss her mum, she has the right to free speech and she will come out of it eventually and be grateful for her mum. So i think maybe let her get it out of her system.
thats my two cents. sorry if it makes no sense :)
What about the ‘cutting’ herself part and ‘suicial’ part?
I knew this girl when she was little and she was the cute, good, quiet girl in pigtails and now she’s all ‘goth’ with the dark eyes and black nails and bad ‘tude.
This is all new to me.
I totally get the whole wanting attention…I had a friend in school who would lock herself in the bathroom and say she was going to kill herself because (insert boy’s name) dumped her…and she went through that about a million times in 2 years.
I think it’s the escalation of stuff. First it was just cussing…then the badmouthing of the mom and now the ‘i’m cutting myself’ thing.
And as far as the diary thing. I understand that. That is something private and ‘real’ about a diary. You’re not writing to impress or get attention, you’re writing to get it out. Those are raw, truthful words that you know that no one is going to read. MySpace is not a diary, it’s a stage. Many people have said that people want to portray themselves a certain way in that forum.
I think when you write, “I’m cutting myself. I cut my wrist when I got home from the dance.” from that stage, you’re begging for attention. You’re locking yourself in the virtual bathroom and saying you’re killing yourself to get people to comment and care.
I was never a person that said I would kill myself. I never would have wrote it, thought it or said it. GOD WOULD HAVE STRUCK ME DEAD AND I WOULD HAVE ROTTED IN HELL (or so my mother told me). I got attention by playing sports or being in drama and that was enough. So I don’t know how much of it is ‘real’ and how much of it is ‘i want people to notice me’ when kids say, “i’m cutting myself. I want to die. I want her to die.”
And after writing this I realize…I am not qualified to know the difference and it needs to be handed over to someone that does.
poor girl sounds like she’s really angry. I think you’re right to ask for help on this one from the guidance counsellor. You’ll feel better for at least having tried and maybe it might that girl do some good to know someone cares about her.
As always, you’re amazing!
You are not only a great mom to your kids you are a great person for caring enough to weight the pros and cons about what to do with this other situation.
I don’t have kids and I am not a kid so I am not sure what I would do. You are blessed in so many ways…I love reading that about your life!
Congrats on having wonderful children!
I think my boys are awesome… I couldnt ask for better kids! I was truly blessed!
Hey..If my child was doing ANYTHING to harm herself and/or others, I would, without a doubt, want to be told. It’s called Tough Love and an eye opener for those parents that don’t know shit about what their kids are doing. I don’t get that, as I know you feel the same. Sadly, kids today aren’t playing outside like we did. We have to worry about freaks who might take them. So today’s kids are using myspace and instant message as a way of socialization. I see all kinds of bully talk on these pages too. It’s all so sad. But they can get away with it because it’s easy to talk shit about eachother via comments..They don’t have to deal with the reality of real life social confrontation. It’s all so sad..And I know so many who’s parents are CLUELESS about myspace and all the scary sexy pictures these young beautiful girls are posting..bending over showing their G-stings…Of course they have a nice ass..THEY’RE 12!!!! :)
TELL the parents or mom or whoever…and I know, I owe you a call. I’m just SOOO very busy at the moment.
My two cents: Cutting is a cry for help. It’s a visible sign of an inner issue spiraling out of control. This girl definitely needs someone to notice, and to do something about it. I think this is going to be hard for everyone involved, and I don’t know that you will even be able to stand by and say nothing now that the point of realization has been crossed. I don’t think I could not say anything. Is there a way you can talk to this girl’s friends perhaps? They might be the best way to reach her right now. I do also think the guidance counselor is a good avenue to pursue.
It makes me happy to know there are parents like you out there, K. Kids need to be loved endlessly. Even when they say they don’t want to be. Your kids sound like they get not only an amazing mom, but a good friend, too. Which is a pretty awesome deal.
Okay, my niece is a sixth grader and most of her friends use Xanga (they are still too young for the MySpace craze). I have been reading their sites and comment threads for the last several months. Several of them talk about “cutting,” drinking, having sex, and drugs. They are only eleven. This is scary! I agree that the best thing to do is to contact the school’s counselor. You them with a list of the children you are concerned about and their site names. Let them handle the situation. It is really the best way. These kids post way too much information out there. Their phone numbers, their photos, when they are home alone, and where they are going to be on any given night. It is way too much information for people who are up to no good. The schools need to teach them how much info to give out and what info to protect, because it is obvious that most parents are not as efficient as you, Kristine.
I definitely think that the moment that even the suggestion of “cutting” or any other harmful act is brought up then there needs to be some intervention. If the girls are doing it they need help. If they are doing it just for attention – they still need help/attention. I think that going to a school counselor is the best way to help a girl that you are concerned about.
Cyber Tipline
iSafe
Try to find a way to run into the mother casually or talk to her in some way that wouldn’t necessarily implicate your kids. Maybe you should invite the girl over to your house for dinner? Do what you need to do out of your concern for the girl. Don’t worry about breaching some teenage social boundary. If the girl is really in trouble, it’s worth it.
I would say something to theother parent. Wouldn’t you want to know?
By the way I think it is awesome that you can see that you are a good parent. You have great kids and it is due to you and Fonz passing the right way to do things on to you.
Tough call, but I say don’t jeopardize the girls.
Sounds like you are a pretty good parent to me. I only hope I can have as open and close a relationship with my daughters as they grow as well. Though I think that since both my husband and I want that, that it should just happen naturally.
As far as the MySpace thing goes, I agree with what most others are saying and that you should pass it on to the guidance councellor. I think both the girl and the parent would take it better from someone in that position.
This is certainly a tough one. One of the things about the internet, though, is you never know what someone is saying is real, stretching the truth, or an outright lie. What if this girl has this online personality only? Are your daughters concerned about her in ‘real life’? If so, then I would want to alert her mother with a gentle, ‘Hey, I saw your daughter the other day while dropping off the girls at school. To me she looked so sad. This is such a turbulent age, anything you want to talk about?’ That way, you don’t put the parent on the defensive making her think that you think she is a clueless mom.
I don’t know….
The spam comments suck.
I guess that it is true that we all turn into our mothers! I seem to have realized it once I became a a parent as well. You
You are so blessed to have such wonderful children, sounds like you’ve been raising them just right!
Fuck.
I only have 11 years until my first one is a teenager. I won’t sleep tonight.
Maybe you could write a parenting book for the rest of us who are not there yet…
I HATE BLOG SPAM!
Kristine, I think you are dead on about the whole My Space thing. It is for attention. The cold truth is that people who really want to kill themselves tend to just DO it. People who want people to THINK they want to kill themselves TALK about doing it. Either way, they are still in need of some help.
I’d say tell her, but I am not sure it will do much good. I’d want to know, and so, probably, would you. But for the same reasons we’d want to know, we probably already would know.
If you think there really is a chance that she is either a) suffering from abuse or b) in danger of really hurting/killing herself, you might consider calling Child Protective Services (or whatever your local branch calls itself).
Anyhow, good on you for caring about her.
I would just want to know that my baby was safe. If she ever wanted to ‘try’ something she would be secure enough in our relationship to ask me. I would like to think I could tell her truthfully the mistakes that I made, and that she would at the least listen. We can’t expect our children to learn from our mistakes…but we can instill the values that we would hope for them to have and hope they can overcome whatever they are faced. Drugs is my biggest fear but I have to pray I am doing the right thing and she choses the path she choses because of what I’ve taught her.
Peace :)
I had to leave this comment here because I know you are fighting spam and comments on the Jack Bauer post are closed. Woman sick or not if you are going to talk about MY MAN you better spell his name right. BOWER?!?!?! Bauer girl! Bauer…..hopefully my last name some day. Sigh. I love that show…and that man.