F-M-L

I had this dream last night and I feel like I need to just purge it out of my system so I can move on.

In this dream I was at this family gathering (not mine…obviously) and I was watching everything going on around me and this man came up behind me as I was at this table with people I didn’t know. In my dream I knew him though.  He wrapped his arms around me and handed me a drink and did the top the head kiss.  I melted into as he held me.  Then I woke up.

Euphoric is how I felt when I opened my eyes and then it hit me.   That not only isn’t my life, it will NEVER be my life.
My heart fucking shattered in my chest for someone that didn’t even exist, in a life that was just a made up illusion in my subconscious shut off brain.

My friend Maddie sent a text checking in on me like she does every day and I told her about it and started bawling into my morning coffee.

That isn’t an existence I get to even fantasize having in my waking hours, but my brain when I am asleep decides to fuck with me and give me something I can’t have.
I can’t decide what is worse, the nightmares of people I love laughing at me and leaving me  or this.  I think I would take the nightmares over and over again on loop than to feel hopeful and then have it taken away and reminded of WHY I can’t have those things.

Because I AM THE COMMON DENOMINATOR in ALL the failed relationships in my life…or so I have been told and now believe as fucking gospel.