The Enchanting Concert post
I came to a shocking conclusion the other day. The reason I am super obsessed with the Era’s tour this year is because that’s where I was getting my dopamine from since my mom died. When my mom died — everything sucked. Everything sucked more than it normally did, but soon after we started the Era’s tour ticket “great war” and it became something else for me to focus on that would make me happy…less suckage.
To explain how much this has meant to me would sound stupid. Trust me, some people have said it to me so I wouldn’t be surprised. This weekend was the concert and Alyx facetimed me during Margorie and then again with Champagne Problems. I cried so much on Saturday. The flipside is I also laughed, sang, dance, chanted during that concert. Watching her come up through the stage RIGHT in front of the girls to sing No Body No Crime — I was punching air saying, “my baby girls are RIGHT THERE!” When she started to sing Long Live, i sobbed. I sobbed knowing that Alyx was likely sobbing, singing and having the time of her life with Taylor (and her best friend and her sister) –no joke, just writing that made me get all choked up.
It’s been a couple of days and when Alyx has a minute to collect her thoughts she’ll call me and I will ask the million questions I have been holding on since Saturday.
So now that the concert is over I am going to have to replace that dopamine with something else. I have no trips in the active planning stages, but Italy is going to happen. The reading has been crazy. I stopped counting at 150 books so far. Reading has always been a good place for my brain to be, reading and creating worlds keeps me from leaning into the depression and anxiety. It doesn’t matter if I am sad, grieving, happy, joyful—reading regulates me. Right now I am indifferent to feelings. Yes, that sounds like depression and maybe it is. Yes, I need to find something that will pull me from indifferent. The last month has been just getting settled into my new life and a routine that I am comfortable wrapping myself up in.
The silence has been healing.
Shea and Keagen are moving .03 miles from Alyx and Aaron and my heart damn near exploded when they told me. Now I get to visit both of them at the same time. This is probably my get for the year.
I will miss having a tattoo artist at my disposal at all times. I have more tattoos from her than I have from anyone else and that makes me proud. I want more before she leaves. My new favorite is the All Things End/Begin Again tattoo (as seen on my Instagram)
I see it every single day and I can hear her words in my ears as she agreed to the tattoo. I’m still working on that promise, but when it’s time I will try.
This is the first time that I have felt the need to actually start writing, and I am going to get it all out eventually. I’m still in the manic handwriting (All Things End) part and haven’t reached this part *waving arms around the typed part* yet. YET. I will write more because it’s all I have left.
The book is going well and I turned in the first 8 chapters for review and editing. I had been dragging my feet on it because there was stuff that I needed that I couldn’t get. Now that I have been granted the permission I needed and the paperwork in hand…i’m almost there. I’m going to change the names before it publishes, but right now they are Nelson and Bay. The website is next and I am emailing designers about the cover. I know what style is popular right now, but that’s not the way I am leaning. Thinking more Credence vibes or the original Flock cover. It’s moody and this book is exactly that. I really hope the story doesn’t change because I read this stupid book the other day and then all my dreams were filled with more stories and when I started to write I had to walk away because the story wanted to go in a different direction and the two MC can’t go in any direction than the one they are on. That was the worst run on sentence. SEE WHAT I MEAN? it’s frustrating.
So until tomorrow…or 5 months from now, Bye.