Dreaming is a bitch.
The other night I dreamt that everything was back to normal. We were laughing in my kitchen and I looked into his clear eyes and he said, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what happened, I wasn’t right in my head. I am sorry I hurt you and believed such wicked, horrible things.” I touched his face and smiled at him. I woke up crying because I knew that day would not come. If past truly does repeat itself then I will be at blame or all that went wrong this time around, just like when we were kids. Someone else will be to blame for his actions. I wish I could say, “I didn’t know what I was getting into.” but the reality is, I did. I just didn’t incorporate the mental breakdown he was going to have and how I went from being the person that brought him calmness to the person who was his trigger in such a short amount of time.
I know that I will never be able to be with the person I love because I cause him to lose his mind by just being who I am and the person he said he would love forever. Sometimes love isn’t enough I guess.
I woke up this morning angry. Since this all happened I have been sitting on the edge of anger. That comes with having to defend myself every time we spoke. This morning though I was angry because I had more dreams. This time I was yelling at him to listen to me, to believe me. He just stood there and mocked me. I don’t know what is better, the good dreams that make me sad and miss him or the dreams where I wake up angry and want to scream at how unfair this whole thing turned out. If I am being honest, I thing I would take the angry mornings because at least I am in touch with the reality of how it’s going to be….over. It’s unfair that his mind wasn’t strong enough. It’s unfair that I couldn’t be the one to spend the rest of my life with someone that would love me with all that he ever was and was going to be. It’s unfair that he made promises of a lifetime of cuddles, dinners, laughter, walks in the woods and fun adventures. It’s unfair that I got to see all that I ever wanted with the one person I wanted it all with and it got ripped away from me in such a cruel way.
Now I see all that I want. He showed me what kind of love I deserve. Maybe someday someone will walk into my life and be able to show me that again. It won’t be him though. It won’t be the one person that looked at me like I was his angel. He will never look at me like that again because his mind broke and he saw me as something so unlike me that there is no magic eraser to fix it.
A million little wishes float across the sky
But it’s a waste of breath and a waste of time, I know
Cause just like him, you always leave me crying
Now I prepare for Hawaii where hopefully I recover from this disaster.