Reading…
Kara and I were cruising around and I was in search of a new book. I can read a book in a night so I am always in search of something new. She picked this up as a joke to show me and I noticed it was written by the same woman who wrote, ‘eat, pray, love’ and I really liked the book because I was able to relate to her crying in the shower and being a ball of sadness on the floor wishing she could just escape.
I bought the book and started reading it a week ago. It’s not an easy read for me because I am absorbing what she’s saying. It’s not a love story by any means and the relationship she has with the man she loves is very much like the one Lester and I have.
We are together, we love each other, we are going to try to not hurt each other and it might end up a horrible disaster, but we are going to try. We don’t need a piece of paper to prove it.
I said I will love him forever. Now “forever” is a mighty long time….(shit, just quoted Prince) “forever” to me is a promise of now. That makes no sense. Okay, the way I love him right now is what I will strive to do for the rest of my life. That’s my forever. It’s a ridiculous amount of love and if I play my cards right and he still smiles at me and kisses the back of my neck expectantly… then I think I can spread that love out until the end of our life together.
We have both said ‘forever’, ’till death do us part’ and as much as I dream of the ‘death’ part for one of my ex’s…it didn’t work out ‘forever…or until death do us part’ for either of us.
In fact, the ‘forever’ part of the promise I made lasted until the about the 5th time I found my ex had no respect for the vows we had made. Then the ‘forever’ love was replaced with, ‘this is the bed I made…’ and did my best to get through it.
For Lester i’m sure he has his own story about how it felt to be betrayed and the staggering end to the ‘forever’ promise he made too.
How do two people make peace with that and hope their relationship doesn’t turn into a cautionary tale of, ‘rebound’ disaster?
Let’s be clear here, I believe in marriage. I think it’s a beautiful union and there is nothing that makes my heart soar more than the two words; husband and wife. Those are the most powerful words I can think of that are tied to the word ‘love’.
I just can’t buy into the legalized marriage anymore though. The more I read about it, the more it pisses me off.
The dumbass forgot to click a box when filing our divorce papers that would automatically give me my last name back. Because it wasn’t checked, I have to come up with the money to petition the court to have my name changed. A box. A fucking box. That is what it is now, just a series of boxes and ways to divide what was once one.
I don’t want that. Isn’t there something else? This book might have it in there. So far she has nailed how I feel about it. She has to get married though or her boyfriend is going to be deported.
This should be good.
On that note, I give my one month notice to my apartment and I will move in with Lester. This is a huge step for me. I’m scared.
I get pissed really easy because I am stubborn and I enjoy my single life. This freedom to place a picture frame here or move every pot and pan to a different cupboard because I am having a feeling it would be easier to reach is liberating. No one questions when I change the bedding 3 different times in a month. No one complains about the sheer volume of pillows or the fact that I have a 4 different pairs of shoes in every single room. No one cares that I clean the toilet 4 times a week or that I have a weird way of folding towels so they fit into a small space. This is something I take for granted until I am at his place and I actually fear of doing something wrong. Placing something in the wrong spot. Moving something.
In spite of all the fear that is actually making me lose feeling in my hands as I type that last paragraph, I want to be there with him. I want to so much it makes my heart ache. This though…is going to be the biggest clash of stubborn wills that ever was.
He will win every single time if he kisses the back of my neck and just gives me that smile. Shhhh, don’t tell him that though.