the rain makes it easier.

I saw this the other day and it reminded me of this card I saw about six or seven years ago at a little shop in Old Town Sacramento.  I remember looking at the drawings on the pictures and what she had written.  When I got home I googled the company and found she had so many more.  I swore I was going to order the book she had written, but I never did.

This just makes sense to me.
I’m strong because I don’t really have any other options.
Being weak reminds me of this woman I once thought I knew who after getting to know I realize was just a waste of space on this planet.  Even as bad as my life could get, at least I wasn’t her. She over compensated for  her for  taking of breathing space by talking about how this person or that person in her life was “the best in their field” as if that made up for her downfalls, at least all of her “friends” were high class lawyers. I never wanted to be that weak as she was, living each day dependent on manipulating other people to survive just one more day.  Life was to be lived, enjoyed, ran through with reckless abandon.

Okay, so this might not have been the best approach in life, the whole…reckless abandon.  In reality, I never really had THAT option as well.  I was a step mom at 18 years of age, married at 20, had my daughter at 21 with two others close behind.  Between taking kids to school and passing out Children’s Tylenol to them when they were sick…I never had time to plan ‘reckless abandon’.  Then I was single and in college, remarried again, divorced again.  I just didn’t have time to dream of what life could be like. I would wait until the kids got older and then figure out what my dreams would be.

Just for the record for some of you, it doesn’t get easier as they get older and the dreams and places you said you wanted to see, go unchecked.
I never thought I would be lucky enough to take a boat in the middle of the ocean in Maui and fall over back off the side and scuba dive again, but I was and I am so grateful.   There are a few things in this life I never thought would happen, but I made them happen and things I didn’t even know I wanted, I am blessed with.

Right now, at this very moment I am having to be grateful for that saying, “What doesn’t kill you will make you stronger.”.  I don’t want to be grateful though. I’m tired of being strong. I’m tired of being worried about the little details.
I’m 40 years old and for a month, a week or just a whole day I don’t want to worry about what tomorrow brings.  I want to say, “I don’t have to think about that…i’m going to be fine.”

…i’m the only one that can make it ‘fine’ though.