i shit you not!

So Tabitha are sitting on my patio having a beer and talking about the topic of the day…how dreams sometimes do come true.
Then it derailed so fast my head started to spin with, “HOW? WHAT. THE. FUCK?”
How the conversation took such a strange detour, I might need to retrace my our conversation:

Talking about Billy, perfect weather, “a fuckin’ tree!”, Lester, a rake wine rack, “if it’s not one thing, it’s my mother”, billybillybilly, some more billy, Oakland’s Day on the Green, pink bunny rabbits playing the drums to Tom Sawyer, pregnant Pantera concert, OH THERE IT IS!  I got it.
So Tabitha and I are on the patio drinking a beer and I was sharing a story about the concerts I had been to and I remembered this one Moby concert I went to in San Francisco and how afterward we were walking back to the hotel and passed a strip joint.  I had informed my date that I had never been to a strip joint and he said he had been in the famous OFarrell Brother’s theater, but it was simply for the historical value.  Yeah, historical value…let’s go with that.
So I tell her proudly how we went in, as if I am giving her some insight on how truly cool I am.  Then she tells me about the time her and our ex-husband had gone to the city and went into a strip club. I then realized, I think we paid too much to for a lap dance, because they got a show.
“There was this woman.” She leans in, “she uh…could smoke a cigarette with her…” she looks down “crotch.”
“WHAT THE FUCK!?” I look at my cigarette and try to put all the pieces of my shattered mind back together, “WHAT. THE? You’re fucking shitting me.”
She started cracking up, “I swear, her cootchie was smoking a cigarette.”
My mouth fell open again at the image and then the questions started, “How? how do you even know that your…I mean, was she sitting around one day and thought, ‘hey, cool party trick.’  or ‘i need a gimmick and I shall be the woman who can smoke a cigarette with my pussy.’  YOU HAVE GOT TO BE SHITTING ME!”
She shook her head laughing. “I swear.”
How could someone make this up?
I kept going through my head all the questions I had to ask, “could it exhale?”  She laughed even harder, now remembering more clearly, “YES!”
“NO!!! IT DID NOT! Did it blow smoke rings too?”  At this point we have reached full busting up and shocked laughter, “yup! I KNOW, I asked all the same questions too!!”

“I’m blogging this and you can’t tell me no!”

We exchanged funny quips and then she remembered, “Oh god, she could also do this thing…where she shoved birthday candles in her nipples and lit them on fire.”

“SHUT UP!”  there is just no way.

She giggled as she tried to explain how that little party trick worked.

“It’s like this shit is just writing itself!”  I tell her.

“It was kind of cute.” She tells me, “Her boobs were dressed up as little cupcakes.”

… just when I think I had heard it all.