Part Two: Sharing my load

The first part was hard to get through. I had to stop typing it because remembering those feelings of detatchment from everything around me was actually scaring me today. There are days when I feel the same way I did six years ago and I just have to find a way out of it or I will truly lose.my.mind.

So here’s the last part:

July 31, 1998

I don’t know exactly why I am crying and I think that is what makes me cry more.
I know it wont be long before he runs into a woman who is alive, vibrant and finds him appealing to talk to. She’ll talk to him and he will feel needed again, loved again and desired again and then he goes to her after he comes home to a dirty house, no dinner made, screaming children and a zombie for a wife.
I’m sure he is striving to feel alive again also and i’m not making him feel that way.

So why not do something about it? I can’t.

I’ve tried. I’m running on NO emotions. I feel like someone has slipped mea drug that allows me enough energy and emotion to get through the day, but not enough to enjoy it or even feel it. A drug that totally numbs the senses, like that feeling you get when you wake up from a deep sleep and you’re forced to function. You’re awake, but still numb.

I want to run and hide from what I see happening, I feel like if I even try to fight for ‘whatever’ that i’ll completely snap and that scares me to death. I’m so afraid of completely loosing everything.

When I get angry, it drains me. Happy, it drains me. All im left with is guilt. I don’t want to see my husband run to another woman, but everytime he walks out of the room I whisper, “we aren’t going to make are we?” and I am afraid that one day my pillar of strength, my rock, my support is going to turn to me and say, ‘no’. then I will cry and all my emotions will be gone. I wont even be able to fight back. I will just walk away because I know that he can’t live this way. Why should I punish him into this life of having no feelings simply because I have none.

For better or worse. In sickness and in health.

I feel like I am slowly killing myself and I don’t even care.

And there you have it. That was the part of the worst time in my life. It wasn’t that long after this journal entry that I did what I thought my husband would do.

Like I said before this opens so many doors for people to judge me and start name calling. I stand by what I said before, if it helps one person…bring it on.
I had, and sometimes still have, depression. I still struggle everyday with anxiety. Some of the anxiety is over the things I have been through. This time in my life was a walking anxiety attack.
Someone said I had a good support group. I did, but if you’re not reaching out for help, you’re not going to get it.
I reached out of help and I was misunderstood. I was told to ‘get out more.’ or ‘get a job’. Dear God couldn’t they see where I was in my head? Couldn’t they see that adding ONE more thing that would make me feel more guilty would seriously push me over the edge?
No, they didn’t. When you see someone hurting and you can’t help them you get frustrated. When you say, “Please, just do this.” and they don’t do it and they get worse you just throw your hands up and lash out with, “IF YOU WOULD JUST LISTEN TO ME YOU WOULDN’T BE IN THIS SITUATION!” I frustrated a lot of people, but I wasn’t listening. I wanted help, but they didn’t understand. I had questions I needed answers to, but didn’t know how to ask.

If you know someone that is hurting, confused or depressed. Just listen. Don’t judge them and don’t say, “if you just do this…” because what works for you, might not work for them. Just listen to them. Try not to get frustrated. Right now this person needs a friend. Someone they can really just say, “I feel really ugly on the inside and I need help.”

I’m lucky that I came back from this place. I now understand what I need to survive and it’s the ability to trust myself enough to say to the people that I love, “Hey, look. I need help.” and I can trust the people that they will take whatever steps to get me that help.

and now I promise next week will be all about boob hair, Shaunisms, Shea pictures & my mother and her redneck ways.