I got this…as always.

I’ve been on this strange roller coaster of emotions lately.
This month is turning out to be worse than the whole year of 2009.

Tabitha has this saying, “Fake it till you make it.” and dear Lord, the amount of energy it requires to smile through any type of situation is exhausting.  I will admit, at first it was pretty easy…but about 3 weeks in I feel like taking a baseball bat to anyone that has the audacity to ask, “you okay?”.  No, i’m not okay.

I’ve been going to the gym, and I hate to admit it, but it has helped my sleeping habits.  By ten o’ clock I am exhausted and fall asleep wherever I am sitting.  It could be that or the lack of food I am eating.  Either way, I am so grateful to finally being able to get sleep.
In the last month I have been corresponding with someone at some point in my life meant a lot to me.  I’m hesitant to let this person too close and for good reason.  I recently stopped that correspondence because he has  more drama than a Jersey Shore cast member.
Then last week, out of the blue another person that meant absolutely nothing to me growing up came back into my life.   My sleep patterns changed dramatically because of the hours we were spending on the phone catching up.
Now, hopefully…after yesterday’s all sleep marathon…I hope to be back to normal.

Things are shitty. For some of you…that will bring you great happiness. For others you know that this doesn’t usually last that long for me and I tend to bounce back faster than most.
Yesterday I had a range of emotions going through me. “Damn, I wish I could just drink a pint of something, laugh, do crazy shit and not remember it in the morning!”
My brain then kicks in and says, “You would remember and you would feel like shit because you let someone do Jager shots off your tits.  You’re not in college anymore, grow up.”
Then the other options. “I wish I could do bong hits all night long and just laugh until my face hurt.”
Then brain then tells me, “You’re not in high school anymore, you would just get the munchies and the diet that you’ve been on for the last month would go to shit.  You don’t want to sit around and watch Spongebob for 5 straight hours. Besides it would be your luck something bad would happen and you wouldn’t be in control enough to drive…and really…where in the hell would you find anyone that even has a bong or pot? you’re a dumbass.”
Next option…I wish I could just move far, far away.
Brain starts talking, “Your kids are in the best schools you’ll ever have them in. You have sacrificed so much to keep them in for years. You have 5 more years and then you can go wherever you want….so suck it up and just deal with this shit you’re going through!”

I hate the fact that I am my own cheerleader.  My cheerleader is more like a mean PE teacher.
That responsible part of me is usually right though. So I get up every morning, take a shower, go to work, smile and pretend that everything is fantastic. Come home, put on my gym clothes and use that hour to run, walk, jog, bike or lift that angry aggression I have.  When I get home I pass out.  There really is no time for anything else outside of my kids and making sure I have clean clothes for the morning.
This is just how it has to be for me for the next five years and when I get it through my head that nothing else but getting healthy, looking decent, putting money in my savings account matters I will be able to get through this part.

A bunch of girls and I were talking one day and the subject of bitches came up.  I’ve been lucky enough to surround myself with non-bitches.  One asked, “Ever realize how the longest relationships we know usually involve a nice guy and a horrible, cold, mean bitch?”  We pondered why that happens.  Why do guys stay with total bitches? I still haven’t figured it out.

Anyway…I need to go gather my clothes for work tomorrow and start all over again.  Thank you xanax for all that sleep yesterday. I needed it.