What you’re not saying is coming in loud and clear…
For the last few days I have been watching the two shows I have Tivo’ed for the day and then I turn off the tv around 10pm and talk myself to sleep.
To be able to do this is SHOCKING. I have fought with insomnia for so many years it’s not funny. To be able to shut off the tv and to be able to dig deep into my thoughts and let that lull me to sleep is a blessing that I am holding onto.
A million years ago I was able to be able to put things in ‘boxes’ in my head. If I could figure out where something fit, then I could move on and it wouldn’t nag at me any longer. I stopped doing that when I was told it wasn’t healthy how I was doing it. I wasn’t facing the issue, just how to get rid of it.
The other night I had some suppressed anger that was nagging at me.
I turned off the television and drew a line in my head. One side was what happened. Underneath that is how that action made me feel. On the other side was who caused that feeling and why they did it.
Right smack in the middle was a blame column.
I started at the beginning of it all from my point of view and then switched over to the other side. I realized after about ten minutes that I brought it on myself. This one belonged to me. I owned this anger, frustration and sadness.
I feel asleep feeling better because even though I was the dumbass that did it to myself, I had learned from that action and it’s not one I will repeat again.
Last night I had some other things rolling around so I did the same thing. I turned off the tv and went digging in. It was about 35 seconds later I feel asleep. I guess that issue wasn’t as pressing as I thought or I wouldn’t have been able to fall asleep if I hadn’t figured it out.
Everyday is new day (or so I am told, I’m starting to feel like I’m recycling old days sometimes) and today on my way to work I had one of those awesome moments where I thought, ‘right now, i’m happy.’.
I’m happy with how well I am doing. I’m flipping pages to my life and each chapter is so different from the last one, but damn…i’m living it.
Did it turn out like I planned? Nope…and it’s darn good thing because I can’t imagine what tomorrow is going to bring.