Together…

There was a point in my life where I didn’t want to keep going.  It was about 11 years ago and I was at rock bottom. The only thing that kept my car in the right lane was the image of my little girls playing dress up and the image of them grown and putting on prom dresses.  I put my hands back on the wheel and headed home. I would have to find a way to deal with the dark place I was at another way.

This year, Kara will put on a dress and go to her junior prom. All the dances before this have brought her to where she is now.  She has picked out her dress and I have yet to see her in it.
I know some parents cry when they see their daughter or son dressed up and ready to leave on that special night, but for me, it holds something so much more.

The other night she did something that stopped my heart for a second.  While I was out, she went to the wonderful man in my life and asked him if he would drive her to her Junior Prom.  For him it meant something important…not only had she accepted him into our lives, but wanted him to be a part of her life.   She is learning to trust again and I am blessed that I get to watch her do this and learn to follow her lead.
Trusting people is no longer a strong point in my life. People are mean.  A person that is going through something similar to what I am said that people hate it when other people are happy.  Thank you Sheri…sometimes I needed to be reminded of that. Misery loves company and I’m sorry, but I won’t be miserable anymore because it is going to make someone else unhappy…especially when that person  is mean.

On that note; I’m happy. I am learning to trust again. It’s not an easy path, but with hours of talking and sharing feelings and trying to find a way to be able to communicate that works for both of us, we are healing.
My friend, John said, “You’re a two year project.”  When he said it, I was in the middle of the oblivious phase of this process. I get what he means now.  It does take about that long for all the bullshit to get out of our system.  I have 6 months on the person I am with, so I am ALMOST past the truly angry part. The only time I get angry is when I think about not what he did, but what he left us to clean up.  I can totally understand the part where he cheated. That is a human thing that people do. I have totally and completely forgiven him for that.   It’s how he left and never turned back until he wanted something from us.   No more.  Someone else gets to fear that day.

Last night reminded me of a Rumi poem. Hours of talking. I hung up the phone feeling like the wonderful man I am trusting with my heart with, finally understands where I am.  I’m closer to understanding why he does the really moronic things he does. Hours of talking and communicating.  Last night I told him, “Just say, ‘i’m sorry you’re sad, I’m here and i’m not going anywhere.'” and he said, “I love you so much.”  —yeah…that works too.  It’s amazing how those words fill a place that you didn’t even know what empty.

Together we are moving forward. Our kids are learning to trust again. We are learning to trust each other.
My daughter Alyx crawled onto the bed and said, “Please try to quit smoking.”  We heard her, and we both want to, but never really TRIED.  This week we are both starting our prescription to quit smoking….together.  We made a promise to her to TRY and we are going to do just that.

All those years ago in my car when I took my hands off the wheel, did I ever imagine I would have been through everything I have? No.   I have never taken my hands off the wheel since and even though the road was rough, I wouldn’t change a single thing that got me here…2 weeks from my daughter’s junior prom.