SPF: Numbers

March 27th, 2008

I’m still working on my project, but going through all the diaries I have is a daunting task.  The words I wrote are beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time.

Today was a hard day for me. I spent most of the days on the verge of needing to cry and needing to scream.  As I dug through the piles of diaries in my closet and garage…I sat there and let it out. I cried.  The anxiety I had today was worse than I have had in a very long time. Against my wishes, I took a pill in hopes of being able to breath and stop my heart from pounding so hard.  As the pill worked his way through my system, the tears subsided and the need to crawl out of my skin slowly washed away.   Somewhere in my home, in a beige box, are words that say I am a bad parent.  Papers that were stamped with a court stamp.  Admittedly, I searched for that beige box.  God didn’t want me to find it tonight.

I’m just not strong enough to read them and feel that hurt again.  The diaries will have to do.  I can find laughter in there. I can read firsts, my journey, the fear of not being good enough at anything.

The ‘number’ for this SPF is 25.  Twenty five years of my life are in those books and the many others I have stashed somewhere.

Did you play?

Filed under stuff portrait friday |

35 Responses to “SPF: Numbers”

  1. Tutu on March 28, 2008 12:49 am

    Even though it is hard to go back and read you will find out how you have grown in those 25 years. You don’t need to look for the beige box–you know you aren’t a bad parent and more important your kids and the others you are helping to raise know also.
    I wish I was wise enough to keep journals.

  2. Tutu on March 28, 2008 12:50 am

    I forgot to say FIRST and I love the new header.

  3. Maria on March 28, 2008 1:47 am

    I love the new masthead. You looks so very pretty.

    I wish I had kept my diaries.

  4. Heather on March 28, 2008 1:51 am

    i played!
    http://singingwithmyheart.blogspot.com/2008/03/spf-memes-and-more.html
    :D

    happy friday!

  5. Janet on March 28, 2008 4:47 am

    I second what Tutu said. And I’m glad to see the SPF back! Sorry I missed it last week :-)

    I played: http://fondofsnape.com/?p=1608

  6. ~Easy on March 28, 2008 5:17 am

    You know I played. You’ll have to scroll down a bit because I have 2 photo contests on Fridays.

    Love the new header!

  7. Jenie on March 28, 2008 5:20 am

    Wow. Now those are some poignant numbers. I am glad you didn’t find that box. And how I wish that I was better about keeping journals. It’s so great that you have those to look back on.

    I played SPF this week too.

  8. Michelle on March 28, 2008 5:39 am

    I am so sorry to hear you had a bad day. I hope today is a better one. I say stick to reading the diaries and skip that stinkin’ old beige box - maybe even burn it in fact if you can. No need to read those old hateful words. From what I know of you, you are one of the best parents I know. Have a good weekend.

  9. Ferngoddess on March 28, 2008 5:59 am

    I played.

  10. Christie on March 28, 2008 7:14 am

    I played I played!

    hope you have a better day :D

  11. Army of Mom on March 28, 2008 7:35 am

    I almost forgot, but I played. :) Here is to a better day today.

  12. amy on March 28, 2008 8:19 am

    I played! I’m a first timer but think this is a great idea:)

  13. Dawn on March 28, 2008 8:25 am

    Mine is up. And my number is 25 too — but a very a different take on it than yours.

  14. joeinvegas on March 28, 2008 8:25 am

    Oh, hope there are happy things inside of all of those books as well.

  15. Meg on March 28, 2008 8:37 am

    Not sure if I’ve ever commented here, but I’ve lurked for quite a while now. I appreciate your honesty and humor. And inspiration, I joined you for SPF this week: http://thepagesofourcrazylife.blogspot.com/2008/03/stuff-portrait-friday.html

  16. Moi on March 28, 2008 9:09 am

    I played! Thanks for bringing it back …

  17. Shelly on March 28, 2008 9:28 am

    You are a great parent:) Hope your day is better.

  18. Liza on March 28, 2008 10:08 am

    I played. I’m glad that SPF is back! I wish I could go through everyone’s SPFs but I don’t have the time right now, Little Guy is going through a blasted growth spurt and sucking my teat every hour on the hour and sleeps for maybe 30 minutes at a time. If he wasn’t so cute I might have to give him away :P Just kidding!

    I can relate lately to the being on the verge of crying or screaming - every little thing is setting me off, and I know it’s part of the baby blues but with my past history of anxiety and mild depression I fear PPD and that makes me even more emotional…grrrrr.

  19. christina ina on March 28, 2008 11:49 am

    Beautiful diaries. I played!

  20. shellieb on March 28, 2008 12:15 pm

    I played, barely but I played,

  21. SPF - Numbers « Rura and Miss on March 28, 2008 1:34 pm

    […] chose it for today’s SPF because tomorrow is the big game. But 555 wont be in action. Number 5 in this picture has to work. […]

  22. Uzz on March 28, 2008 1:38 pm

    Yes…even an Uzz played today:-) Great pic and a great thematic still life:-)

  23. Allisone on March 28, 2008 1:38 pm

    I understand more than you know.

    … and I played!

  24. Miss on March 28, 2008 1:39 pm

    I played!

    Hopefully tomorrow is a better day for you! *hugs*

  25. Silke on March 28, 2008 2:16 pm

    Gosh, I am jealous… 25 years of journals. I’ve never written one and although some of the memory might hurt, you still have it written down. Thats great.

    I played!

  26. Steph T. on March 28, 2008 2:43 pm

    I played…I’m a dork, but I played! :) I have to say that blogging is the first journal I have ever kept in my life. I love it. I’m bad about posting every day, so I really don’t have an audience…but it’s all about me, so I roll with it!

  27. Steph T. on March 28, 2008 2:43 pm

    I played…I’m a dork, but I played! :) I have to say that blogging is the first journal I have ever kept in my life. I love it. I’m bad about posting every day, so I really don’t have an audience…but it’s all about me, so I roll with it!

  28. tommiea on March 28, 2008 7:04 pm

    I read at Janet’s that you brought this back….for some reason I thought you had stopped blogging.

    So sorry you had such a bad day.

    I didn’t play, but will keep an eye out for this. I did this way back when i first started blogging. I found so many great blogs from this.

  29. tommiea on March 28, 2008 7:05 pm

    I read at Janet’s that you brought this back…..

    So sorry you had such a bad day.

    I didn’t play, but will keep an eye out for this. I did this way back when i first started blogging. I found so many great blogs from this.

  30. cajunvegan on March 28, 2008 7:15 pm

    Happy Belated Birthday!

    You are oh-so worthy of an Excellent blog award.

    Please stop by to collect your honor.

  31. Julie on March 28, 2008 8:25 pm

    Saw this over at Janet’s and decided to play along - even though it’s Saturday here I’m sure it’s still friday somewhere.

  32. Beth on March 28, 2008 8:41 pm

    I have maybe 17+ yrs of journals somewhere, but, only the more recent ones are the hardest for me. It is difficult to read about the hard times.

    If you were meant to find that beige box, you would have. God works in mysterious ways.

    Hope the weekend is better for you.

  33. traci on March 28, 2008 8:56 pm

    Honey, your sadness comes through in your words. I’m proud of you for doing the hard stuff. You will find the box when you are ready. I played.

  34. Grayangi on March 29, 2008 3:43 pm

    I played but forgot to tell anyone as I ran out of town.

    Those are very heavy words. And that’s a huge undertaking. It takes strength to do what you are doing.

  35. kim on March 30, 2008 3:51 am

    i’m way late but i still played. just wanted to let you know :)

    i actually have a few paper journals myself and luckily i usually enjoy reading them. but that’s mainly because i can’t voice [not even on paper] how i really feel… and i never could…

Trackback URI | Comments are closed.