I’m still working on my project, but going through all the diaries I have is a daunting task. The words I wrote are beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time.
Today was a hard day for me. I spent most of the days on the verge of needing to cry and needing to scream. As I dug through the piles of diaries in my closet and garage…I sat there and let it out. I cried. The anxiety I had today was worse than I have had in a very long time. Against my wishes, I took a pill in hopes of being able to breath and stop my heart from pounding so hard. As the pill worked his way through my system, the tears subsided and the need to crawl out of my skin slowly washed away. Somewhere in my home, in a beige box, are words that say I am a bad parent. Papers that were stamped with a court stamp. Admittedly, I searched for that beige box. God didn’t want me to find it tonight.
I’m just not strong enough to read them and feel that hurt again. The diaries will have to do. I can find laughter in there. I can read firsts, my journey, the fear of not being good enough at anything.
The ‘number’ for this SPF is 25. Twenty five years of my life are in those books and the many others I have stashed somewhere.
Did you play?
Tags: diaries, myolddiary.com, spf, words
March 28th, 2008 at 12:49 am
Even though it is hard to go back and read you will find out how you have grown in those 25 years. You don’t need to look for the beige box–you know you aren’t a bad parent and more important your kids and the others you are helping to raise know also.
I wish I was wise enough to keep journals.
March 28th, 2008 at 12:50 am
I forgot to say FIRST and I love the new header.
March 28th, 2008 at 1:47 am
I love the new masthead. You looks so very pretty.
I wish I had kept my diaries.
March 28th, 2008 at 1:51 am
i played!
http://singingwithmyheart.blogspot.com/2008/03/spf-memes-and-more.html
:D
happy friday!
March 28th, 2008 at 4:47 am
I second what Tutu said. And I’m glad to see the SPF back! Sorry I missed it last week :-)
I played: http://fondofsnape.com/?p=1608
March 28th, 2008 at 5:17 am
You know I played. You’ll have to scroll down a bit because I have 2 photo contests on Fridays.
Love the new header!
March 28th, 2008 at 5:20 am
Wow. Now those are some poignant numbers. I am glad you didn’t find that box. And how I wish that I was better about keeping journals. It’s so great that you have those to look back on.
I played SPF this week too.
March 28th, 2008 at 5:39 am
I am so sorry to hear you had a bad day. I hope today is a better one. I say stick to reading the diaries and skip that stinkin’ old beige box - maybe even burn it in fact if you can. No need to read those old hateful words. From what I know of you, you are one of the best parents I know. Have a good weekend.
March 28th, 2008 at 5:59 am
I played.
March 28th, 2008 at 7:14 am
I played I played!
hope you have a better day :D
March 28th, 2008 at 7:35 am
I almost forgot, but I played. :) Here is to a better day today.
March 28th, 2008 at 8:19 am
I played! I’m a first timer but think this is a great idea:)
March 28th, 2008 at 8:25 am
Mine is up. And my number is 25 too — but a very a different take on it than yours.
March 28th, 2008 at 8:25 am
Oh, hope there are happy things inside of all of those books as well.
March 28th, 2008 at 8:37 am
Not sure if I’ve ever commented here, but I’ve lurked for quite a while now. I appreciate your honesty and humor. And inspiration, I joined you for SPF this week: http://thepagesofourcrazylife.blogspot.com/2008/03/stuff-portrait-friday.html
March 28th, 2008 at 9:09 am
I played! Thanks for bringing it back …
March 28th, 2008 at 9:28 am
You are a great parent:) Hope your day is better.
March 28th, 2008 at 10:08 am
I played. I’m glad that SPF is back! I wish I could go through everyone’s SPFs but I don’t have the time right now, Little Guy is going through a blasted growth spurt and sucking my teat every hour on the hour and sleeps for maybe 30 minutes at a time. If he wasn’t so cute I might have to give him away :P Just kidding!
I can relate lately to the being on the verge of crying or screaming - every little thing is setting me off, and I know it’s part of the baby blues but with my past history of anxiety and mild depression I fear PPD and that makes me even more emotional…grrrrr.
March 28th, 2008 at 11:49 am
Beautiful diaries. I played!
March 28th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
I played, barely but I played,
March 28th, 2008 at 1:34 pm
[…] chose it for today’s SPF because tomorrow is the big game. But 555 wont be in action. Number 5 in this picture has to work. […]
March 28th, 2008 at 1:38 pm
Yes…even an Uzz played today:-) Great pic and a great thematic still life:-)
March 28th, 2008 at 1:38 pm
I understand more than you know.
… and I played!
March 28th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
I played!
Hopefully tomorrow is a better day for you! *hugs*
March 28th, 2008 at 2:16 pm
Gosh, I am jealous… 25 years of journals. I’ve never written one and although some of the memory might hurt, you still have it written down. Thats great.
I played!
March 28th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
I played…I’m a dork, but I played! :) I have to say that blogging is the first journal I have ever kept in my life. I love it. I’m bad about posting every day, so I really don’t have an audience…but it’s all about me, so I roll with it!
March 28th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
I played…I’m a dork, but I played! :) I have to say that blogging is the first journal I have ever kept in my life. I love it. I’m bad about posting every day, so I really don’t have an audience…but it’s all about me, so I roll with it!
March 28th, 2008 at 7:04 pm
I read at Janet’s that you brought this back….for some reason I thought you had stopped blogging.
So sorry you had such a bad day.
I didn’t play, but will keep an eye out for this. I did this way back when i first started blogging. I found so many great blogs from this.
March 28th, 2008 at 7:05 pm
I read at Janet’s that you brought this back…..
So sorry you had such a bad day.
I didn’t play, but will keep an eye out for this. I did this way back when i first started blogging. I found so many great blogs from this.
March 28th, 2008 at 7:15 pm
Happy Belated Birthday!
You are oh-so worthy of an Excellent blog award.
Please stop by to collect your honor.
March 28th, 2008 at 8:25 pm
Saw this over at Janet’s and decided to play along - even though it’s Saturday here I’m sure it’s still friday somewhere.
March 28th, 2008 at 8:41 pm
I have maybe 17+ yrs of journals somewhere, but, only the more recent ones are the hardest for me. It is difficult to read about the hard times.
If you were meant to find that beige box, you would have. God works in mysterious ways.
Hope the weekend is better for you.
March 28th, 2008 at 8:56 pm
Honey, your sadness comes through in your words. I’m proud of you for doing the hard stuff. You will find the box when you are ready. I played.
March 29th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
I played but forgot to tell anyone as I ran out of town.
Those are very heavy words. And that’s a huge undertaking. It takes strength to do what you are doing.
March 30th, 2008 at 3:51 am
i’m way late but i still played. just wanted to let you know :)
i actually have a few paper journals myself and luckily i usually enjoy reading them. but that’s mainly because i can’t voice [not even on paper] how i really feel… and i never could…