Long Drive Home…

I love visiting my mom and sister. I hate the drive home. No matter who is with me or if I’m alone, I fall into this strange place between where I am now and where I was when I lost my mind.

What song was on the radio, I don’t remember, but it triggered the thought of ‘who was there for me and who wasn’t there for me’. When I thought of all the people that turned their backs on me when I ‘lost my mind’ it made me start to cry. Just typing those words makes my throat start to constrict.

When asked the question, “Do you hold grudges? Do you forgive?” I always say ‘yes’. I do too. I don’t like that weird feeling between me and another person if we aren’t getting along. I guess so much that I will forgive people for saying and doing things that aren’t acceptable. Sometimes without even confronting them about what they did to me. That is what I call ‘an elephant’ in the room. The thing is, the longer I go without saying anything, it’s less likely that I will actually approach the subject.

It was an overall sad feeling I had, HAVE, and I know it’s far too late to broach the subject with the people that hurt me. I’m not going to go digging up old bones now. Those words that were said and written, hurt me then…and continue to hurt me.

For those of you that know someone that is going through a hard patch in their lives, and you feel like they must be just ‘crazy’ or ‘losing their minds’ or ‘being stupid’…or just not doing what YOU think they should be — Leave Them Alone. If you don’t agree with their actions, there is no need for you to tell them that they are stupid, wrong, need help and give your advice YOU think they should do.
If you know someone who’s going through one of the hardest things in the world; ending a marriage or relationship, please be there for them to talk. You don’t have to agree with them. If that is just too much for you, that you CAN’T just be there without putting in your two cents, just leave them alone to deal with their problems.

There is no text book perfect way of leaving your husband. I had a friend once who went out and rented an apartment, furnished it and moved her husband out. She went to the store and got all the things he would need; blender, cooking utensils and all that. When he came home she handed him the keys and gave him the apartment number.
Did he hurt any less? No, probably not.
Mine wasn’t as clean. It was the typical movie storyline. A really bad movie storyline.
Either way, it doesn’t matter how people go about ruining their lives, following their bliss, whatever you want to call it…they shouldn’t be judged.

I’m guilty of being the judge too. Looking back, it makes me SICK of the way I judged people. SICK. People say that they don’t have regrets. I do. It’s those times when I thought I had the right to say, ‘that’s wrong and i’m better than that.’.

Today I am sorting through all the emotions. I want to be angry and mad today about what happened to me. What I allowed other people to do to me. I want to hear, “You know what, I AM SORRY for what I said to you, what I wrote about you. It wasn’t true.”

Because it wasn’t true.