Apathy

It always seems like I fall upon a wishy-washy word when I have something to say.

October is a weird month for me. By the end of October I feel like they year should be done and I get to start all over with a clean slate. I know as Halloween comes and goes that it’s the beginning of the long, rocky road of Winter, or as I call it, “UGH!”

Some people enjoy this time of the year. Tyler, my step son, is one of those people. When he first moved in with me at the beginning of his freshman year, I would make it a point to pick him up down the street from the high school if the weather was even looking bad. He would always come walking up to the car, surprised to see me. Now, there is this thing about Tyler, he bounces. He has this walk that if you knew nothing about him, if you were to see him walking, you would say, “That’s a happy guy.” He is. He’s a happy kid.
It was probably the middle of his Sophomore year that realized, he really likes to walk home if it’s raining. He would come through the door, soaking wet, all smiles, “Hi Kristine!”
Lost in my own, it’s Winter–UGH! world, I wouldn’t even realize that it was raining outside. “Tyler, you’re soaking wet!” and like a gust of fresh air busting through the room he would say, “I know.”
It’s taken a few years to just let him happy in his wet clothes and squishy shoes. The rain makes him happy.

I’m not this person. No-sir’rey-bob. The rain depresses me. Don’t give me that, “It washes away all the dust and dirt and makes everything all fresh and new” mumbo-jumbo either. There is a place that all that dust and dirt will eventually gather…and that is exactly my emotions during the rainy season. That brown, murky mess that keeps circling as more brown crap piles into it.

Without the rain…I KNOW. I get it. I just really don’t like this time of the year. It’s not that it’s wet, rainy, people drive extra stupid and I look like a bigger cow in a sweater than most. Well, that is a portion of it. I just think that there are people out there that are dark and gloomy because it’s our job to be. Yeah. that’s it. It’s my job to be extra cranky when the weather gets ugly. There are also people like Tyler that can bounce his way home in the rain and looks forward to it. It balances out the world. Gloomy and depressed Winter people and the ignorantly happy Winter people.

I finished reading my book tonight. I wasn’t disappointed at all. That journey she was on…I’ve been there. I’m still stuck in many of the places she has managed to shake through. There is always something strange about reading about someone journey. There are so many things I could relate with and so many things that I know are in me that I keep in lock down. Much like my favorite story of Pandora’s box, I feel like there is a box in my heart and soul that holds all the bad and good. If I dare to peek in there, something slips out. Through this process of going through this list is me being able to reach my hand in the box and summon that certain emotion or fear.

Today is Apathy. I hate this word. It’s the lamest word in all of mankind. No, I take that back; tchotkies. That is the lamest word in all of mankind. It just doesn’t sound right. When someone says that word, it makes me want to get the soap and wash out their mouth and then squirt some antibacterial gel in my ears and grab a q-tip.
I digress.
Apathy, lack of feeling or emotion. Lack of interest or concern.
Who could like this word? The heart broken? The drunk? The lawyers?

Now when someone says, “I have apathy for their situation.” are they saying they have no feeling or concern for that person? Have I totally misunderstood what people were really saying for all these years? “She has no apathy.” Does that equally mean that she actually DOES have emotion and concern?
*sidenote of stupidity- I was thinking empathy.
Okay, regardless of my complete moronic view of the English language…Apathy is a word that just crawls under my skin and makes me want to itch it off.
Why?
Why does this word bother me so much?

It’s October, and my feelings and emotions get all murky and brown. I try not to care too much about things right now. I try to just look at what is going on around me and say, “alrighty then…FOR NOW.” This is the time of the year when I just don’t like myself as a person. I am realizing that I am not as strong as I think I am with the sun shining on my face and my feet are set to walking around. in the sun. happy. whistling a song. whoooa, went to far…I don’t whistle. You get my point right?

I guess you can say…I’m at my strongest and my weakest. I am strong enough to let people do what they think they need to. I am also so weak that I let people crawl up my ass and eat away at my being. I let not only PEOPLE, but feelings do that. There is no anti-anxiety pill in the world that can fix that without completely erasing me of all emotion and leaving me a drooling mess on the floor.

This season…it’s Apathy.