I know.

It’s really, really late and I am falling in and out of sleep when I hear the ‘thump, thump’ of Kara’s stereo. She’s fallen asleep to the hip hop station and I have to go turn it off or I will have JLo stuck in my head for the next two days.

I maneuver around pillows, towels and Polly Pocket toys until I find the stereo. I turn it off and see both of my girls cuddled up together in Kara’s bed. I think “Oh how cute” and I try to find my way back to my bedroom without tripping over the Polly Mall.

I climbed back into bed and it dawns on me. My 8 year old is in bed with the 11 year old. This means one of two things: Alyx had a bad dream or Kara had a bad dream and told Alyx to get in bed with her. The likely of the two is that Alyx had the bad dream and felt it would be safer to get into bed with her older sister.

I got back out of bed and picked up Alyx and I brought her to my room. This was ‘our’ room for 3 years before Shaun moved in. Kara and Shea both liked their beds and on occasions would come get in bed with me, but Alyx always slept with me. She had her side of the bed. There was never a question that when I would come to bed, she would be there with just the top of her head poking out of the covers. It’s just how it was and no one questioned it.

It took a couple of months of slowly getting Alyx use to sleeping in her own bed, but for the most part she did really good. I missed her and I knew she missed ‘her side of the bed’ too.

Tonight as I slipped her into my side of the bed and cuddled up close to her I had forgotten how good it felt to hold her and feel her instantly cuddle into my chest. I remember why it was so easy to be single for all those years.

Then it hit me like a fucking train at full speed and with a knot in my throat I thanked God. I thanked him because I couldn’t think of anyone else at that emotional moment.
I thanked Him because I know there is a mother out there, laying awake at 1 in the morning wishing they still had their 8 year old daughter in bed with her…maybe for just one more night.

I’m not naive enough to think that something bad will never happen to me or my girls. I know it can.

I pulled Alyx closer and thought about the parents that lay in bed at night while their children are in a hospital fighting for their lives. Who get up every morning and instead of making breakfast, finding lost shoes and bitching about where their 11 year old daughter hid her eyeliner, have to get up and go spend the day at the hospital and watch their child lose their hair & get poked with needles.

Some will spend the day wondering where their child is and with who. I know where my little girls are. They are laying in bed next to me kicking the covers off of their feet, turning over and over and rubbing my arm while they sleep.

I can’t stop kissing Alyx’s head and rubbing her face. I want God to know that I am not taking anything for granted and to please keep them safe, because I recognize how lucky I am to have them here.

I then start thinking about Dan, my ex-husband. He loves his girls so much. I say ‘thanks’ to him too. He’s not laying here with his baby girl, holding her little hand and thinking about how lucky he is. He’s at his apartment, alone. He didn’t want to give up this either. He certainly didn’t ask to be a ‘part time dad’.
I silently thank him again for not leaving state with my girls. I’m not naive enough to think it couldn’t have happened. It happens. Every single day.
And in my safe little world I think, “Well at least the other parent knows that the child will be safe because at least it was the other parent that took the child.” …and then I feel Alyx roll over and let out a big sigh and I think, ‘but the parent that doesn’t have the child…doesn’t have this.’ and I kiss her head for the fourteenth time in 5 minutes.

She’s waking up because I can’t stop pulling her closer. She slowly pops up her head and sees Shaun laying there and puts her head back down…and then puts her arm around him and goes back to sleep. My heart explodes. I thank my mom. I thank her for teaching me good judgment. I know in the past I’ve dated a couple of complete idiots, but for the most part I have been VERY smart about the men I let into my life. I made the best choice I could have ever made by letting Shaun in. He feels her hand around him and in his sleep he pats her little hand and lets out a sigh.

I know I complain. I know I get frustrated. I also know that things could be so much worse and sometimes I just need to be reminded of how wonderful my life is. I am grateful that it happens in moments like this and not after the fact.