really?

I was interviewed last night about this blog.

It was the standard question of what blogging means to me, how I come up with topics…your general, not very probing questions.

After I sent off the answers I began to think again about this ‘blog’ I have. What it really means.

This isn’t the root of my writing, it’s an offspring of something I started many, many years before the word ‘blog’, before templates and free hosting. It started in my bedroom when I was in 5th grade with a pen and a Anne Frank knockoff diary.

In a diary covered with a teddy bear and pink hearts I began to pour my heart out to no-one and the whole world at the time. I wrote down the fears of the upcoming year, my bmx race I had won 3rd place in, my growing crush on all things that even looked like a boy and the angst over my 8th grade graduation dance where Bryce Mahon broke my heart, but not dancing with me even once. My broken heart could be felt with every single word you read.

My diaries were filled with the pain and happiness of my life. In every book marked a new milestone in my life. My first diary of meeting the man I would marry was a paisley brown. The birth of my first child is a book with a beautiful woman on the front wearing a pink gown staring in a mirror. The life I lived in this home as a married woman was a cloth covered book with a red high heal shoe. When I ended my marriage the cork cover held all my deepest, darkest secrets. The hurricane of the rebuilding of my life is between two leather covers.

This here, this should reflect the place I am in my life. I am still trying to capture that woman. The template I had before was what I want. I want a clean me. I want a flower filled world. I want everything to look neat.

My life is not neat. It’s much like this template. I am in the sand trying to capture the exact thing I have eluded for so long. ME.

I know I have said it many times before, but the reality is I want to write and write and write about what the hell is swirling in my head. I have lost my footing on how to figure out where I am and how I have progressed these last few years.

I want to look back a year from now and twirl around and sing, “Ta-Da! Look at how far I have come!!”

The next phase of Random and Odd is going back to raw. I don’t want to piss anyone off. I don’t want to hurt any feelings, I don’t want to scare anyone. I am a strong, beautiful woman who will be more than OK. If the words you read are too much, please come back another day and read. You might catch me on a whirlwind of happiness. The truth right now needs to be told and some days it might just get too much ‘real’.

I said something years ago that got my ass in trouble. “Follow my bliss”. There is a new me, a new bliss that is going to be fought for and for now on, Random and Odd will reflect that battle. I need to heal. It’s time.

And on that note to quote one hell a band;

Why in the world
Would anybody put chains on me?
I’ve paid my dues to make it
Everybody wants me to be
What they want me to be
I’m not happy when I try to fake it!