It’s Thursday, which means later on tonight I will uploading a picture of my luggage for SPF. SPF is all about taking a picture of your stuff (Stuff Portrait Friday) and just sharing your link with everyone so you can get to know your fellow bloggers.
I love when I assign a picture and people really take it to a whole other level. It amazes me how people see things so differently.
This week’s assignment is Luggage and I can only imagine how people will take this one. Suitcases, Diaper bags, children, an ex-husband…the options are unlimited.
You would think with everything from yesterday that my “Luggage” would be the stuff that I am carrying around from my past.
I’ve actually let all of that go. Maybe it’s easier for me because I was younger than my brothers and sister when our life was less than ideal. Maybe it was because I lived in a fantasy world where I was a princess that nothing bad could ever happen. Everyone loved me enough to let me live in that world and I thrived there. Everything was magical. My brothers were Princes that protected me and my sister was the most beautiful woman in all the land.
My dad was an ogre. My mom was the carriage driver. Anyone that came to the house was ignored unless they had a role in my world.
As I got older, my princess life changed into a world of stories. I would write for hours and hours about people, their emotions, drama and happy endings. I remember handing my dad one of my favorite stories and letting him read it. He pointed out that I was changing the tense of the character. My mother got mad at him and told me it was an awesome story.
I never wrote another story after that. Even though my mom was supportive of what I was trying to do, one single word from my dad about how he didn’t like the story and my whole motivation was lost.
Yeah, sure…I’ve let it go huh?
I’ve gotten over worrying if my dad approves of what I accomplish anymore. When I graduated from college I put together a whole book of my electronic tests, each with an A on the top of the pages. This was my gift to him for having to put up with me as a child who wouldn’t even open a book during high school.
He flipped through the pages and said, “good.”
It might have been at that moment that I realized It didn’t matter. I kept the book for myself as a reminder of what I accomplished.
I know that some of this stuff will come out during my meetings. The guy will say that I do so much to gain people’s approval. I don’t set boundaries because I don’t want people to get mad at me or say bad things about me.
He will be right, because even though I don’t seek my father’s approval, I’ve transfered it to other people and the fear of guilt of not doing enough is my driving force to keep doing more.
So, now that I have that all figured out, what now? try to not feel guilty for not doing enough? How does one go about changing that? How does one change the whole fiber of their being without becoming a self centered bitch?
Yeah, I think I will just post a picture of my luggage. It’s red. It holds lots of stuff. I’ve never used it.
17 responses to “Luggage or Baggage?”
I have that same issue Kristine. My mother would tell me I was beautiful and talented and wonderful and then my father would, “But you could stand to lose 5 more lbs (i was 5′ 8” and weighed 115lbs…uh hello?), and do something with your hair”…and just stuff like that and that’s the thing that has stuck with me and I TOO have that need for approval….ESPECIALLY from men. But hey, at least I KNOW what my problem is;)
Good luck in your treatment and I hope you find the “answers” to clear your mind so you can be at peace.
still love your blog….
Fingers are crossed for you sweetie!
Oh, I played… kind of early, but I am driving up to Sac today, so I won’t be able to post tomorrow ;)
my luggage is red as well…
i don’t use it enough either…
and it’s on top of the “outside” fridge.
i am knee deep in project,..
but oh so ready to start playing soon!
i am also no longer a lurker it seems. lol
Look at it this way, your pictures are pretty. Life sucks.
See, I’ve solved everything. Now that you know what the problem is (ie, that life sucks) you can fix it. :) Right? It is THAT easy, isn’t it? I keep trying to fix my own life to no avail.
Good luck with all this crap. I hope it works for you.
Even though you don’t have it all figured out yet, you seem to be well on your way. It is amazing how much parents can damage us though, isn’t it? Little things, that probably mean nothing to them, stick with us forever.
I also have issues with my father, mostly because he’s emotionally unavailable and everything revolves around him. Example: when I told him I had gotten engaged, his response was, “Oh. But I was going to buy you a ring for your birthday.” No “congratulations” or “I’m happy for you.” Just a comment about how it affected his plans.
Hopefully you will able to let go of the hurtful parts of your past, learn from the experience, and move on. Of course, that is much easier said than done! Some of those things never seem to truly go away.
Oh Kristine, I am so sorry! I wish your dad would have seen what a precious treasure you are! Those father wounds go deep. If I figure out how to fix them, I will let you know.
Ooooo….I may play.
*shameless plug alert*
Since I opened a blog again. ;)
I hope you find your magic potion soon Kristine.
amazing how much of what troubles us today is rooted in our youth…..
I played….early, I know….tonight is my veg night….survivor, grey’s and men in tree’s…I would think in three hours of mindless tv I can think of something!
I am playing SPF tomorrow on my journal page. Ihope it is all right that I took your SPF logo and put it on the page–let me know.
I just went to shoot my book and actually travelled for the first time in seven years. Because two of our kids have autism, I don’t ever go anywhere. Jim bought me new luggage, pretty but kinds of cheap, BUT!! on sale!!! Yay! The pockebook fell apart at the airport before I even checked in. Come see my photo tomorrow on my site if you have the time.
I believe what you are writing right now is extremely valuable to help other people. I sometimes think that people possibly let down their guard a little after beginning to feel better. Your marriage was so happy and lovely and made you feel so secure, it could have opened the gateway for you to feel as if you could allow some of your really strong harsher feelings about the past hurts to show. I could be wrong. I just sense that that sort of thing is not uncommon and very understandable. It means you are on the way to getting all better. I love you. Take care ! jean
I meant your wedding, when I said marriage! :)
Just so you know I think you are a terrific writer and a great photographer as well! I will be playing…my luggage is read too!
I’m a new player, but after lurking for a hwile, I’ve decided to join in on the SPF craze.
I played! Not too original!
Good luck with everything you’re going through. I have no wise words of wisdom, but we are all here for you.
The first step is to recognize it and know that you are not to blame. For me, the turning point was when I actually put it into words on my blog. (I’ve talked, whined, ranted, complained about it over and over again throughout the years to friends and therapists alike so I’m not sure why writing on my blog was so different) Nothing was ever good enough for my father. If I got an “A” in a class he asked me why I didn’t get an “A+”….
So, I can empathize with you forever trying to do what your father wanted and losing so much of yourself in the process. It hurts deeply and its not something that can easily be forgiven OR forgotten. You will always have that luggage. Hopefully you will find ways to store it so that it doesn’t weigh you down. Preferably in a closet that you don’t open very often. You are right – the experience has made you who you are. Negative AND positive.
Weee…time for me to go back to lurking. I didn’t do SPF this week (or many others for the past several months) but I’m enjoying all the photos just the same.
Fear, fear of failure. That is my “thing”. Turned me into a workaholic, a guiltaholic, a constant worrier, an I can’t say noaholic. I avoid conflict at all costs and all of it exhausts me, all the time.
Funny thing is; I had a regular ole childhood with supportive and involved parents. The truly believed I could “do anything” and get straight A’s if I just tried. So I am still trying.
Like you doing the best I can one day at a time and trying to remember that it will all work out as it should. It sounds so cliche….I know.