Wah-Mah

Finding my place in the blog world has always been this back and forth thing.  I want to be funny, I want to be honest, I want to connect…blah blah blah.

I got an email the other day and finally found out where I fit into this place.  It’s strange how I can write everyday about the stupidest of things, my dorky kids, my neighbors that by the grace of God will someday move far away (and then Matthew McConnahay will move in and play the bongo in the nude in the front window), my ex husband, my relationship with Shaun and just everything that seems to trigger me to write. (Sidenote: my stomache just made the wierdest sound I’ve ever heard!!)

This email revolved around the relationship I have with my step son, Ryan.  I have never wanted to respond to an email more in my life.  (Well, except that one I got from the Montel Show)
I  call myself “The Crash Test Dummy” because if there is a wall, I have hit it and everyone knows, “You can learn a lot from a dummy.”

During the email I wanted to reach out and hug this person and just let her know that everything was going to be okay. I wanted her to know that she’s not alone in this battle of being a step parent.  If you’re a step parent you know that the things that you say will somehow get back to the “REAL” mom or dad and all hell will break lose.  It’s not easy to have all these thoughts/emotions and not being able to say what you’re going through.  You have to be strong for your husband or wife that is dealing with the “REAL” parent.  You have to have all this bottled up and not just scream at the top of your lungs about how your feeling because if you do, you are now labeled as the ‘crazy step mom/dad’.

I have spent the last 16 years of my life being a step parent. I have been labeled as the woman that ruined my step son’s life. I have been told to my face that if I wasn’t around than my step son would have had a daddy.
More recently I had to find my place into a new step situation.  Shaun’s ex had a similar situation that I had so both of us went into this hoping that it wasn’t going to be ugly and that we could get along.  It doesn’t matter how much we wanted to get along and do what was right for the kids, the baggage we both carried from our pasts reared it’s ugly head and we had our issues.  I’m not saying everything is peaches and cream now, we will probably butt heads again a few more times in the future…but right now it’s okay and I love ‘okay’.  I think we have both found a respect in each other and no matter if we disagree, we have a respect that seems to come up and it makes it easier for us to get through it.

Being a step parent is hard. Having a relationship with your ex is not always easy and sometimes nearly impossible. There are just some situations that it won’t be able to happen because the other person is just a complete moron…or you’re the moron…it doesn’t matter really which one is the hard headed mule, it’s just not going to happen.

It seems that the one thing I get more emails and phone calls about is ‘dealing with your ex’ or being a ‘step mom’.  You guys think I am doing a pretty good job.
I’m trying, but honestly…I am not that great at it. I still get my feelings hurt when I hear mean things about something I did. I still worry 24/7 that something I say or do for either of the kids will get to the other parent and it will be taken the wrong way and I will be labeled again.  I’m sad that I can’t buy anything for Ryan without having to put it under someone else’s name so his mother doesn’t get mad and take it out on him.  I’m afraid i’m doing too much or not enough.  I worry about it a lot actually.

Being a step parent is a hard thing. It’s a pretty thankless job. Most of the time you’re the ‘bad’ guy when you’re a step parent from the “REAL” parent and sometimes from the kids and if you’re REALLY lucky, the in-laws on either side.

I wouldn’t give any of my step kids up for anything and when I say I have 5 kids, I mean it.  When I call Ryan my step son (even though I haven’t been his step mom for the last 7 years) I mean it.   I love them because they are kids.  It’s not thier fault that it didn’t work out, it’s not thier fault that they are being ‘brainwashed’ by either parent, it’s not thier fault…at all.  Someday EVERYTHING will come out in the wash and when it does, I know that I will be seen for the person I really am.

I’m okay with that.