Shaun here, performing a public service. I saw the new Miami Vice at a sneak preview last night. No real spoilers here, just my general thoughts on the film.First of all, there’s no white blazers. No teal shirts. No alligator on a houseboat. No Phil Collins cameo. What is there from the original show, you ask? Ummmm…….water. Detectives named Crockett and Tubbs. That’s about it. For a movie set in Miami, South America, and Cuba, the hot chick factor is well below average(RSG is canceling her Fandango tickets right now).

Colin Farrell(Crockett) looks like an undercover cop. His untamed unibrow, Johnny Depp pirate mustache, and faint 5 o’clock shadow (it was pretty light, so we’ll just call it 4:30), mixed with expensive suits and jewelry would get him shot in the first scene by any decent movie bad guy. In this movie, though, all the criminal masterminds and druglords actually believe he’s some badass drug-runner who served time in Pelican Bay. Ummm, OK. Lets just say I rooted for the Columbians.

Jamie Foxx(Tubbs) was wasted in this movie. Didn’t this guy win an Academy Award? Like, a year ago? Can we somehow vote to take it back? I mean, just for the principle of taking the role of the icon Phillip Michael Thomas who went on to, well….uhhh…hmmmm. Actually, I’m pretty sure it was Phillip Michael Thomas who tore the movie ticket and directed me to the theater to the left at this sneak preview.

This movie tries wayyyy too hard to be cool. One scene is intentionally blurry. The next scene has the characters way off center. The next scene is grainier than the Zapruder film. It was more like a two hour trailer for some yet-to-be released better Miami Vice movie. And the movie is slow. It’s a little less than two hours long but I checked my watch about ninety minutes in wondering how long I’d been there. Usually not a good sign.

It was Bad Boys 2 without the cool parts, the funny parts, and with a white guy with bad facial hair thrown in. The last thirty minutes is actually very entertaining and action-packed, though. Save yourself the $9 a ticket, Wait for it on DVD, then skip to the last half hour or any extras about the original show.