cutting my nerves

Yes, a new design. I had to do it. I need it something different and this seemed more different than anything I found. I also checked it in IE (evil) and Firefox (good) and it worked in both. I then asked the one person I know that won’t blow smoke anywhere near my ass…Striznizay and asked her what she thought. She said that the picture isn’t too flattering.
Take a good look internets, that’s really me. That was taken on day 2 of my honeymoon. This was the honeymoon that I had forgotten my toothbrush and a brush. Honestly though, that is REALLY what I look like. Hair all trashed in a ponytail, big ol baggy clothes and no shoes. That’s the REAL me. I’m hoping that’s why you like me so much, because i’m as honest as I can be without grossing you out too much.

I’ve got this post bursting inside of me and I am taking a few days to deep breath my way through it. It’s not often that I talk about my first step son’s mother. I try to stay the hell out of whatever Dan (my ex) and that CAB (crazy ass bitch) are doing, but after spending many years in the epicenter of ‘hell’, it’s hard not to get pulled back into it.

While in Redding for a few days to get my hair done I was pestered by the girls to go see their brother. He lives in Redding and how cool would have been to be able to cruise the mall with their older brother and meet some of his friends. His little sisters wanted to hang out with him at the water park. Ryan is a great older brother to his sisters. Alyx worships him. He is her hero. When he doesn’t come down for his ‘every other weekend’ visit, she gets bummed out.
I let the girls call him and ask if he could come hang out. I would pick him and drop him off as not to put his mother who thinks I am ‘evil in flip flops’ through any trouble at all. After some bitching she allowed him to go to the waterpark. I didn’t want to keep him out too long so I brought him home after a couple hours.

The whole 4 day visit the girls wanted to hang out with him. The older ones wanted to go to the mall, but he wasn’t ever allowed to go. I told them, I’ll ask one more time and if he says no, we will just stop calling. We didn’t want him paying the price of her wrath just so they could hang out. He never was allowed to go after that first trip to the park.

When I got home my ex called me laughing saying, “CAB said she’s going to file a restraining order against you for calling Ryan.”
I use to work for the family law courts and a family law attorney. I knew it would have to take an act of God for her to not get laughed out of court, but it still hurt my feelings. The kids heard me when I exploded, “SHE IS GOING TO FILE A RESTRAINING ORDER? FOR WHAT? FOR ASKING IF HE COULD GO TO THE MALL WITH.HIS.SISTERS!?”
Not the smartest thing for them to over hear, but they already know her hatred for me so it wasn’t too big of a shock.
I ignored it and just laughed it off because honestly, if she has nothing better to do with her time, have at it.

Now the thing is, she text messages my ex husband…like ALL THE TIME. She still has this thing for him that had her call my ex 2 months after I had Kara and asked him to meet her at a hotel room so they could, ‘hook up’. Yeah, we were MARRIED with a BABY and she didn’t stop. I then had two more kids and we were married for 7 years. That didn’t stop her from trying. After we split up she came down and tried to sleep with him in my backyard hammock. (Yes, that hammock went into the trash as soon as I found out) Her new source is text messages and I’ve read them…and they are so nasty it would gag a magot!
He’s an ass to her. Like a total ASS. She said she was going to join the circus and he text her back and said, “What as? the hairy beast?”. He’s a total dick to her. When she comes down he has to lie about where he’s going so she won’t track him down.

Anyway, she came down last weekend to take the kids to a bumper car / golf course. She likes to come and play ‘family’. I think she does it because it makes her feel like there is some sort of hope that he will see how great it could be if he took her back. It’s great for Ryan to be able to see that his mom and dad can get along. I think she does it because she knows that Shaun, Dan and I still do all kinds of things together as a family and she wants so badly to show him that they can have that too, but in the process she is pushing herself at him in a way he’s not interested in. She has made it REALLY clear she wants to um…well…hump him. BADLY.
I love Dan to death and I would love for him to get a lil’ sumpin’ sumpin’, but dear Lord in the heavens above…hire a hooker, it’s cheaper and she won’t haunt you for another 16 years. He won’t get back together with her for many reasons, some of the reasons I can’t talk about because I just ate and it makes me seriously vomit thinking about it.

In our divorce papers I had a clause put in there. We are not allowed to leave the kids with anyone that the other person doesn’t approve of. When we wrote it, we called it our ‘Tracy Clause’. He knows I don’t mind if she sits with kids long enough to make sure he can run to Starbucks, but that is about as far as it goes.
It’s not exactly that I don’t trust the kids in her care. I totally think that she would watch them like a hawk and make sure that nothing would ever happen to them. She would LOVE to be their ‘step mom’. Honestly she would probably make a great step mom. She would make sure they were well taken care of and loved. I don’t doubt this. But she hates me. WITH A PASSION. This is not a woman I want around my children. Not because she would hurt them out of her hatred for me, but she has NO control of the words that come out of her mouth when she gets angry.

She had such a good time playing ‘Mommy’ last weekend that she invited Dan and the girls to go to LA to go to an amusement park (7 hours away) and this would require a hotel sleep over (see where this going?). He panicked and called me and told me “She just doesn’t give up!” I told him, “Well, use the Tracy clause.” so he did. He told her that I said ‘no’. He pointed out that it was rather hypocritical that she wants to take MY girls 7 hours away to a park when just a month before she was going to file a restraining order for just calling to see if I could take Ryan to the mall that is less than 3 miles from her house!
Of course this backfired. She told him, “You will NEVER see your son again! Kristine is never allowed to talk to my son EVER again! No email, no MySpace, NOTHING! in fact, YOU can’t ever see him again!” This is recorded on his voicemail.

This is the drama I walked away when I divorced him. This is also the drama that manages to keep coming back. Shaun pointed it out to me. I allow it though. I allow Dan to pull me into this. He’s totally right too. This is the ‘bond’ that Dan and I have together. She does something, he calls me and tells me, we laugh about it and it’s ‘our’ thing. It’s something I have to stop. I have to stop asking and caring how much she hates me this week.
Shaun is the smartest man in the world. Watch out Dr. Phil.

I’m sort of sad about it. I know Dan won’t stick to anything she says because she knows the only reason she is being so nice is because she wants to get back together with him *heebie jeebie* and that even though she gets so mad at him that she could spit nails, in a couple of weeks she will be over it and will forget about it.

What she will never get is, Dan and I love each other. I love that he’s my children’s father *even though he’s a big ol’ stupid dumb ass sometimes* and he loves that I am their mother *even though I’m an idiot sometimes*.
We honstly care about each other. We have a two sided friendship. We both give and take. *I take more though*
They will never have that because she can’t except the fact that WE have that.
I only hope that Ryan grows up to be a smart, honest, not so fucking crazy man.
Everyone…pray for him, he’s going to need it :)