Today is Shea’s 8th birthday. Yep. My youngest child is eight years old.
Shea’s birthday always puts me in this weird mood. It reminds me of her first birthday and how my marriage was coming to an end.
“Shea turns eight. My marriage ended 7 years ago.”
It’s a crappy thing to remember on your daughter’s birthday.
Alyx broke her arm on what would have been my annaversary with her father. Now when I think of July 11th, I don’t think of the day I got married, but the day Alyx broke her arm. We actually do this strange ‘broken arm’ celebration every year and it makes me smile instead of feeling regret or sadness.
My ex called today after he got out of the doctor’s appointment.
“Well, he said I have about 3 months to live.”
My brain never had so many thoughts run through it before I finally said, “WHAT?”
He said, “Yep, the doctor gave me three months…..to lose this weight.”
I called him a fucking dumb ass for scaring me like that. He laughed and proceeded to tell me that the doctor instructed him to lose weight.
My first thought was to say, “WELL DUH.”, but I was nice because I live in a glass house.
I’ve spent the morning trying to get over the fact that my mother’s day sucked ass. Learning the art of not letting the way other people behave and treat me and other people has been a huge lesson that I haven’t quite learned how to do yet.
When the neighbor was a prick to me I was pissed, but I had not really put any effort into trying to make our ‘neighbor relationship’ the best it could be, so I didn’t really feel much of a loss.
There were things I could have done to try to make our relationship as neighbors go smoother. I could have gone back over there and asked him what hours he worked so I could see if I could keep the dog in during those hours. I could have said I was sorry that my dog woke him up. I could have been a lot nicer and gone out of my way to make sure that certain things wouldn’t trigger him.
BUT and I mean, BIG OL’ BUT…yesterday reminded me of something that I should have known from all the years of me being nice to people and going out of my way to make sure that everyone got along: It doesn’t matter how much you do for someone, when they want to be mean, they are going to be mean. It doesn’t matter how much you put into a relationship, if someone isn’t putting just as much effort into it then it’s not going to work. If you put in a lot of work into something to earn trust and respect and it goes unnoticed…you need to just walk away and stop trying.
I’m not going to go out of my way to try to be nice to my neighbors because in my heart of hearts I know that it doesn’t matter all the things I do right to make our relationship right, it’s going to take one misunderstanding or one thing and they are just going to talk behind my back and call the cops on me again for something petty that could have been resolved by simply coming over and talking to me like an adult.
So the lesson I am learning today is I’m only going to put effort into relationships that give back and I can find trust in.
I’m not going to dwell on the bad things that happened this month (even though it SUCKED REALLY BAD!) or the petty things that happened yesterday or even the things that happened 7 years ago.
Tonight my ex-husband will probably drag me, the girls, my future husband and his children out to dinner to celebrate his daughter’s birthday. He won’t bring up the past and how this month marks the tragic end to our marriage 7 years ago. He’ll laugh and smile and crack jokes with Shaun about me. He won’t raise an eyebrow as Shaun tells the girls to settle down or to use a spoon to eat the ice cream instead of eating it like a dog.
These are two grown men that aren’t threatened by each other and the roles they each have in their children’s lives.
This is the type of relationship I need to be in. This is the type of relationship that I am going to put effort into maintaining.
All the other relationships that don’t have 100% from everyone involved, I chose to not be a part of.
And this is the post where I sound mature, but later at dinner I’m probably going to pat my ex’s stomach and ask him when he’s due.
28 responses to “if one lets go, the other falls down.”
LMAO at the last sentence.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOUR BABY!!!
((((HUGS))))
And you are so right.
That is such a good relationship to be in! Shaun is great!
Oh–and please do ask him when he’s due–and ask “Does the mother know?” teehee
So Sad! I’m certain you could get away with torching their car. Its not that hard, pick a rainy dark night and have a plan…stan…
Dr H.O. Potamus
Happy birthday, Shea!
And you’re right. Focus on the good.
Maria
Wait, there’s something wrong with eating ice cream like a dog?
A very Happy Birthday to your Shea!!
Have fun and know that everything is going to be fine in good time :)
Happy Birthday to sweet Shea and I’m so very sorry that your may is sucking so bad. Hope it gets better. Have fun at dinner. Oh and you sounded very, very mature in that post. I’m proud of you. As usual…
This is going to sound a little nuts maybe, but I have learned that when I invest in something I have to invest with few expectations of the other party, unless the other party has explicitly agreed to behave or respond in kind. Then if they respond or act weird, I am clear in my mind it is about them, and not a statement of my value.
The other thing I had to learn how to do was stop having conversations in my head with a person who wasn’t even with me. I ended up trying to imagine where other people were coming from to the point that I would have debates or conversations with them in my head. But the whole thing was made up. I had to stop thinking we had the same values, because we didn’t I had to stop thinking I knew where they were coming from, because I didn’t.
All I could say was “This is me. This is how I feel.” And let the rest go.
Over time, there has been less and less to let go.
One thing I left out is that when I used to have those conversations in my head, I told the other person how I felt (angry demanding). But in person (respectfully, when I was calm), I never really did tell them how I felt. I was the only one who could figure out how I felt and what I needed and communicate it, but I was not doing it.
I had to work on that too.
P.S. Happy Birthday, Impish Shea!
With the gorgeous big brown eyes :)
Amen sister.
You don’t beat yourself up.
You got it right in this post.
ONLY PUT EFFORT IN FOR THOSE WHO GIVE BACK TO YOU!
EVER.
PERIOD.
PERIOD.
EXCLAMATION POINT.
HUGS
in three months…
Happy Birthday to Miss Shea!
I hope she has a wonderful day !
I picked you a rose the other day, last week on my blog but I guess you didn’t see it.
A. FUCKING. MEN.
I am also currently having a really hard time learning when it is time to throw in the proverbial towel on certain things and damn if I don’t relearn the same fucking lesson 6 times a year.
I really hope this time I remember your post because I need to focus on the things that are good to me and are helpful to me. Not the toxic crap that is around me sometimes.
come pat my stomach and ask when i am due… :)
hugs to you hun…
peace…
You are so lucky to have your ex and Shaun get along. It must make it so much easier all around; especially for the girls! You sound like May was a shitty mcshitster month for you – so make sure that june is pamper and spoil yourself month! You gotta make it up right???
Happy Birthday to Shea!
And that last line was awesome. Did you really do that? :)
Oh my goodness your baby is not a baby anymore but she will always be your baby!
Happy Birthday Shea!
Happy Birthday Baby!!
and I think that’s cool you guys all hang out :)
I Love That Photo!!!! Happy birthday to Shea!
And I think you are wise to surround yourself with the people who treat you right, who give what you need to take and take only what you’re willing to give.
I wasn’t too mean, but I punched him really hard for scaring the bejezzus out of me
It’s awesome that you guys are so great with each other. Your kids will benefit! SO many people just want to be angry… then again, I can’t really comment because I’ve never been there.
My ‘baby’ just turned 8 too!! And my Mothers’ Day sucked ass too (big time!!!)
When I was pregnant with the 8 year old, my middle son (about 3 at the time) told me that we could keep the baby I was having, but the one daddy was having would have to live with Grandma!! One of the funniest things I have ever heard…, still cracks me up!
Love the photo!!! Sooooo beautiful!
That photo is SO awesome, K. And, I heart you. And, happy (belated!) birthday to your baby girl! : )
Your relationship with your ex and Shaun are definately worth investing in, but I must respectfully disagree about the whole “don’t give unless you get back” philosophy. I don’t think I really need to elaborate. May ends soon, hon, and I hope your June is a thousand…no a million times better.
That’s a really cool picture.
Beautiful photo! Happy B’day!