• Random and Odd

    You want more? I’ll make it….

    Oh how I wish I could say I was a Holiday type of person. I think since the Incredible Hulk skates mix up when I was child that I don’t have it in me anymore.
    I got an invite to bail out on Christmas morning madness and I actually considered it. Hell, I am still considering it.

    My sister is the glue of our family and when I put my fingers in my ears and start saying, “lalalalalala-i can’t hear you-lalalalalala” there is a good chance that I am going to get in trouble. She hasn’t given me the “Yes, we are coming down for Christmas.” so I am looking for just about any reason to not celebrate. I got a tree earlier than I normally do because I could see this was not going to be a good year for me. It’s been sitting in my new living room without a single thing on it for a week. The only reason I put the lights on it the other day was because I felt bad for the tree.
    Every time I walked by he would say, “It wasn’t enough I was cut down, tied up and thrown in the back of a truck like a refugee on the run and then SOLD FOR TEN BUCKS, but you won’t even trim me up and decorate me? YOU SUCK WOMAN! SUCKITY SUCK SUCK!”

    You have lights now, shut the hell up you damn tree!

    I can’t even imagine the freedom to be able to say, “Hey, i’m going to do this, not feel guilty about it. “
    It’s a “Hold my beer and watch this…” famous last words moment. I would NEVER live it down.
    “Remember that year you bailed on Christmas?”
    Ohhhh, but the thought of laughing all day and not worried about if I got enough, the food is good, is it enough…have I given ENOUGH???
    Ever feel like you give all you have and there is always someone that looks at you like you didn’t do enough? I do. Why do I even give a flying fuck? Because he is the other 50% of my children’s memories growing up and his words have impact on the way they look at me.

    I did actually call and tell him I was going to have the girls on Christmas Eve and he could have them Christmas morning.
    I rendered him speechless.

    I wonder what would win out in my memories later in life? the guilt trip I got or the laughter I had that day?

  • Random and Odd

    How much do I hate the doctors?

    I have to laugh when they take my blood pressure. It makes them very uncomfortable that my blood pressure is so low.
    “This is scary low.” the nurse said.
    I realize that and that is why I went in…TWICE.
    The doctor said what they always say…”could be stress.” Which makes no sense to me because isn’t stress spose to give you HIGH blood pressure?

    I’m up to six viles of blood later and they don’t have any answers to what is wrong and why my body is shaking like I have hypothermia and I have to wear 5 layers of clothing to keep warm. That much isn’t so bad. It’s the light headed and can’t breath part that is bugging me.

    They ran a pregnancy test. I felt like laughing, but the stupid gown they had me in was NOT helping with the shaking.

  • Random and Odd


    Well, I have reached that final spot. The one where you hit the floor in the hallway and slide up to the bed in praying stance and say, “GOOOOD! HELP ME!”

    I’ve been here before. Many times. This time seems to be different. I’m done living this life the way I think it needs to be lived. I’m giving my life back to God and going to live it as his will.  Whatever direction he points me in, I will not question anymore.  The need for peace and hope is what I need to stop just surviving and start living.

    Does this mean that I become one of those ‘bless you’, kinds of people. Probably not. In this process I hope to lose the part of myself that carries the hate, anger and the inability to forgive.   I’m done with Karma. I’m done with “everything happens for a reason”, i’m also done with the holding on to something because I was good for it.  If that person or object isn’t good for ME, it needs to go. I already weeded out the truly EVIL people in my life…now it’s to get rid of that anger that was associated with them.

    Tabitha and I talked today. If we loved ourselves with the passion and intensity that we love other people, we would be unstoppable. It’s time for me to start believing in myself….and to also hand over the stuff that I can’t handle anymore.
    That is out of my control.

    Do I forgive yet? No. It takes time. Am I not angry and hateful yet? HELL FUCKING NO.  (i’ll work on the language later) but I am willing to let it go, if He is willing to take it away and replace it will blessings.

    There was this song I use to listen to when I was younger and it was based on Proverbs. “Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, lean not on your own understandings. Acknowledge the Lord in all of your ways…and he will set your paths straight.”
    I’m ready to trust, stop questioning His will for me and for my paths to be a little less uphill.

    The support system I am surrounding myself with is going to get stronger….I actually asked Spock for guidance on my relationship with God and how to get past the road blocks that have stopped me in the past.   Someday I’ll explain this line. :)

  • Random and Odd

    Watch this!!

    I am SO grateful that my sister can ALMOST fully appreciate this sport now.  After she does her *first* tandem, she will be able to understand why I love it so much.  The fact that she said she WILL go and she is excited about it, just thrills me to death!

    So, here you go: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lxMBCWfDV5Q&feature=player_embedded#!
    One of the most amazing things about this sport are the videos!

    If you didn’t get a chance to view Courage in Sports which had Ed and the other wingsuiters you missed a good show, check out TIV’s blog:

  • Random and Odd

    The Ex-wives Club

    The Ex-wives Club, originally uploaded by Suddenly Single.

    Last night was the last night for Tabitha and Jeremiah in the town we live in.
    Her phrase always was, “I am not from here!” and I get it, but once we got past our differences (ha-that makes it sound less painful than what we went through) we got really close and I very much enjoyed her conversation and the times spent laughing with each other. I’m going to miss her ‘not from here’ ass.

    She was warned that she will have to come stay one weekend out of the month because I am going to go through Jeremiah withdrawals. I asked him last night while he was giving me the biggest hug, “What’s my name, little man?” he hugged me tighter and said, “Auntie Awesome.” I hope he never outgrows that…or calling Kara, Kiki.

    Things have been going pretty good for me though. I’ve lost nearly 20lbs…with only 60 more to go! Breaking past the 20 marker has been a pain in the ass though. I can’t remember the last time I had a soda. I thought for sure I would miss them, but I haven’t and I can actually SMELL sugar if it’s close enough to me. The artificial sweeteners are too sweet for me now.

    It seems like everyone is going out and getting their Christmas trees and I have no interest in doing so. I have 5 boxes in my garage screaming to be unpacked and put up to ring in the holiday and I’m just not there yet. Thanksgiving came and went without any fanfare…(well, except that one thing) and I guess I was hoping that Christmas could do the same. I have a feeling I won’t be so lucky…on either count.

    I have 25 days to find that Christmas spirit. Might be in one of those boxes in the garage.

  • Random and Odd

    Split Social Personality

    I’m at that weird cross road where I am caught between who I am, what I want to be…and in those moments I seem to be able to write from the heart.   As you can tell, i’m kind of half assing it here.
    So here is where the split social networking personality comes into play.
    Facebook: I write whatever the fuck I want, but then I hit delete and try to write it where my family doesn’t want to wash my mouth out with soap, my aunt feels she needs to pray for my soul, that is without a shadow of a doubt, going to rot in hell. I don’t want to sound single/available because I don’t want anyone interested. I don’t want to sound single/bitter because there will come a day when I do and I don’t want someone to think I will cut off their penis if they leave the toilet seat up either.  I don’t want to sound weak, because i’m not. I don’t want to sound strong, because I’m not.
    I just write really pointless crap…which I have come to find is what Facebook is best for…oh, and being able to find the funniest shit on youtube. I mean come on…Antione and “hide your wife, hide your kids, hide your husband because they are raping evr’one out here.” I don’t care who you are, that was funny as fuck.

    R&O is my heart. This is where I bring it and dump it and not really care who is going to read it.  There’s a pretty good chance I will not ever go into a position in my life where high up executives will go through my blog and say, “Dear God! that woman spoke of boob hair on the internets!!”

    Flickr that is mostly associated with my blog is where I had a blast.  The amount of technical crap I learned from those amazing photographers that I have passed onto other people in return is the ultimate pay it forward website.  I have since blocked nearly 9,000 pictures.  Not sure where I am going with it yet, I might bring back the artistic pictures…right now it says what I need it to, it’s my reminder to move forward.
    The other Flickr I have is from Suddenly Single.  When I got my new phone I put the address to upload my pictures to that Flickr instead of my old Flickr because I didn’t want a bunch of ‘cell phone pictures’ cluttering up my main account and with this new phone that is *cue angels singing* heeeeaaavvvvennnnn….I had noooooo idea how many ‘cell phone pictures’ I would be taking.  For the record, A WHOLE BUNCH. Since we are talking about my new phone… How did I live before swype? I. DO. NOT. KNOW!
    In the process of getting to know my new phone I found some cool apps that do a great job fucking up a normal picture and sometimes making it look kind of cool.  Fine line people, FINE line.  When I started uploading them and looking at them, I was inspired to write. When I write there, I would like to say it’s from my cheerleader side.  You know that person inside of you when you break down and start crying and that voice starts yelling at you to stop, pick yourself up, keep going…that one that tells you that you’re a fucking idiot and to get a clue.  That is the one that writes on that Flickr. I think I kinda have a little crush on her.  She’s the smarter, wiser, stronger part of me.

    I wish that I had more of an artistic side, but I guess I can only have 1 or 2…that is split up into 2 or 3 each.

  • Random and Odd

    everything’s alright I’ll just say goodnight and I’ll show myself to the door

    The weather was so nice driving back up to Redding yesterday. This morning the weather is horrible!
    The wind is kind of scary.
    I can drive in rain and snow without freaking out…but you throw wind in there and I get a bit weirded. It wasn’t as bad when I was driving the big truck, but my wee little car tends to get whipped around on the road.

    I tend to be a spur of the moment type of person. I decided in 3 minutes that I was going to throw a pair of pants and my running shoes into a bag and head to Redding to see my sister. Three hours isn’t too bad if you have music and a good attitude. It would be wise for me to be a bit of a planner, because as pretty as it was yesterday…i’m going to driving home today in crap ass weather. This wasn’t a big secret, apparently it was on the news.

    Recently, I have had a lot of wake up calls and one of them is, there might come a time when I am not allowed to drive because I might forget where I am going. There might a time when my kids freak out because I am too old to be driving in a car all by myself. So if I can throw my stuff into the trunk of my car and drive, dear God, I am going to do it.

    This is just another one of those things in life that I am going to push through…so that way next time I can say, “Hey, I’ve been here and I survived it!”

    So bring on the freaking tornado. I’m just going to tighten my seat belt and turn up the radio. :)

  • Random and Odd

    Oh the blessings…

    Happy Thanksgiving!

    How fantastic was it to not wake up to an alarm this morning? Amazing!!
    How awesome is the cup of coffee I am enjoying from my bed on my NOT work computer? HEAVEN!

    Alyx is with a friend down south this week. It took a act of God for both Dan and I to agree to let her go because to both of us, she’s still just 5 years old and never too far from either one of us.  In a little over a month she turns 14 and it’s just not easy to wrap my mind around that. I am thankful that she’s a smart, funny and responsible girl that we can trust.

    Shea and Kara are sleeping in like they have this whole break.  Kara actually crawled out of bed at 3pm the other day. Damn, I sort of miss those days when laying in bed all day wasn’t a treat, but a weekend requirement.  Now I get up at 5:30 every morning and drive an hour in traffic.

    Everyone on Facebook has been talking about what they are thankful for for Thanksgiving.  Family, Friends, Health. Those are the staple things I have been reading.  I am thankful for all those things too, but I think the really things tend to get forgotten and so I am taking my little things and writing about them here.

    1. I am thankful for my car. Yes, it’s old as hell without a single bell or whistle, but it gets me from point A to point B.  Would I love a newer car? yes, I would, but I am thankful for what I have today.

    2. For the woman who gave me a shot and allowed me to move into her home as a renter.  Having lost my home this year was heartbreaking and I swore I was going to end up in a tiny apartment, but someone heard my story and trusted that I would treat her house as a home and take care of it. I will not let her down.

    3. The school system my kids are in.  I don’t think they get enough credit for all that they do. The teachers that take their lives and dedicate it to making sure that our children will not fail.

    4. My amazingly comfortable bed. Sometimes I sink my face into the feather down goodness of it and say, “thank you..I love you!” It’s not until you sleep in somewhere else that you realize how you and your bed have a special relationship.

    5. My memories. Sometimes they are mean to me, but for the most part, I have some great memories and recently I found out how vivid a memory can be that you can actually remember what someone feels or smells like.

    6. Those rare moments when Kara and Shea get along and realize they have more in common than they thought. Those moments where Kara realizes how much her little sisters look up to her and relish every moment she is nice to them. I am blessed that my girls do love each other, stick up for each other when it counts and keep each other out of trouble.

    7. My ex’s.  Let’s start with Dan. Does he piss me the fuck off on a daily basis? YES he does. He also loves his daughters and as much as he hates to admit it, he loves me too.  I am the mother of his children and he knows what I do is for them and though there isn’t a chance in hell we will ever be together again, he there if my car breaks down, needs air in the tires, the smoke alarm batteries are chirping, the garbage disposal gets clogged or I need to have a mental break down…he is there. Next Shaun…there are two things I am grateful for; 1. He left. 2. He left me with Tabitha, Jeremiah and Marina.
    and last the best Ex of all: Tabitha.  Our friendship which is like a sisterhood started out great, got rocky, got ugly, got hateful, got beautiful, got hateful again and now…through all that we have been through is something I am PROUD of. She has turned out to be a better friend than all those people that were a part of my life and helped me bash her and call her names. No, i’m not proud of that, but I think that it just had to happen to get us to where we are now. I’m sure everyone of her friends have wonderful stories of the things she said about me too. :)  We have gotten past that and when I don’t hear from her on a daily basis, I actually MISS her.

    8. My blog.  Ups and downs this poor thing has been through huh? The fact that I still get comments and emails from you all is truly amazing!  The fact that so many followed me to Facebook and our friendship have blossomed is shocking. I love it.

    9. My bathtub.  After my fall down the stairs where at the bottom I looked like a homicide victim, I still ended up going to the gym with a jacked up knee and shoulder that I am pretty sure is dislocated…that amazing bath took nearly all the pains away.  Not all…this shoulder hurts like hell!

    10.  Entertainment.  I remember after a tearful conversation a year ago when I had poured out all the things I needed to say…I turned on the TV to get my head somewhere else and I turned on Chuck.  30 short minutes later I was cracking up. I had said my final goodbyes to my husband through tears…and 30 minutes later I’m laughing at a TV show?  It sounds heartless, but it showed me that I would laugh again…oh how much laughter have I had in the last 19 months? SO MANY!  Music has moved me into action and pulled me from sadness and helped fuel anger to push me forward.  Rocky Horror  Picture Show brought down a wall with my daughter and allowed her to accept a friendship she wouldn’t allow.  The Biggest Loser has shown me that I can push, push, push myself.

    So there it is. My crazy list of things I am thankful this year :)