Random and Odd


The new year is right around the corner and I am giddy with excitement!
I’ve decided to change so much in my life and even though many of them are already in motion, the new year is  the rock solid date fora few of them. Prepping for the new year has been challenging, but I am ready.

I’ve decided that I am letting go of all that anger and resentment I have been carrying with me. The first part of that is forgiving myself.  This is the hardest part.

I got a facebook message from a reader and she opened up to me and her words have had a healing effect on me since then.   I took what she said and I turned it around in all different directions, much like trying to figure out a puzzle piece and how it fit into my life.  The words were from the heart and it was a part of the paying it forward part of this blog.   I say that because when I started writing here, it was for nothing more than keeping my mother and sister updated on what was going on. It was a carry over for another blog I had.  Where this blog has gone has been amazing.  I have been contacted by readers through out the years with questions and recommendations.  They have been there when I had a question I couldn’t figure out for myself.  This comes from the brutally honest way that I have written and how open I have been. There were people in my life that said to stop writing and telling people all the stuff I was going through.  Looking back through the years, I don’t regret my honesty because from it, I have gotten more than I could have given.
This reader was catching up and because of something I was going through, she felt she could share with me.  I am so lucky she did because it has allowed me to look at the way I want to live my life for the following years.

The part of forgiving myself comes from that very message.  In order to be loved, I have to love myself.  People will come into my life that can’t love me because they don’t love themselves.   I can’t fix the second one, but I can fix the first one.
Being honest with what I tell myself.
The other day I put that into action and this whole taking what you’re saying and REALLY looking at it and questioning it is hard work.  It was so hard that I decided that I am not telling myself anything anymore because 90% of it isn’t really true.
If you haven’t gone to www.thework.com and filled out the ‘judging your neighbor’ form, do so.   The reality of how what I say has such an impact is brought into light.
The end result of the ‘relationship’ part, I came the conclusion that without the things I was worried about, telling myself and feeling I wouldn’t be holding myself back from true happiness. I would be amazing again.
You would think that would be something that people should just know, but I guess not. I’m not stupid in any way, shape or form (except directionally)  and getting to the question, “imagine what your life and what you be like without that thought.”
It was at the end I decided to forgive myself.
Because I am forgiving myself, it’s okay to forgive the other people in my life.   Does this mean they have a place in my life? No. They don’t. That is now something that will have to be earned.

I’m excited about the woman I am becoming. You would think by now I would be the woman I am going to be for the rest of my life. SOOOOooo not the case!  My sister is an example I am proud to have.  She is willing to use this next year to do some of the things she said she would never do and in the process of doing that, she’s changing.   Supporting her means that I change too.  Because I am willing to do other things, there are people in my life willing to follow me.

Last night was great.  I looked at the pictures that were taken and I look genuinely happy.  This morning on the way to work when I have such a long trip and time to pull out boxes of the things I think about, I recognized some of my old thought patterns and I stopped.  I looked at what has been bothering me and how it wears on me emotionally.
I don’t want to be angry anymore.  Just saying, “it’s okay if people in my life are not in the same place.” has been a source of relief.  Not everyone is courageous, not brave enough to make the changes to be truly happy…not willing to dig deep in themselves and remember what makes them happy and run towards it without hesitation because they feel they will be rejected.  Not everyone can do that and it’s no reflection on me.

I’m getting there. Thanks for following along and pushing forward on your own path.

I'm a lot of things, but mostly I'm just Random and Odd.