Someone asked me if I was happy.
No. I am not happy.

Today my friend told me that I need to project what I want.
He’s an idiot, so I don’t listen to him, but it got me to thinking.

What would it take for me to be happy?  To unhear  and unknow some shit.  Complete rewind, to forget completely.  This gets me to thinking about my mom because she would say this all the time, “I wish you all could just forget what a horrible mom I was.”  and honestly I did forget some of the bad things that happened…well generally….you can’t forget ALL the bad things because they are really burned (pardon the pun) in there.  For me, she was a great mom that struggled with all the same stuff I struggle with right now.  Maybe the best that could happen is that she would forget it all.  I’m sure there are so many things she wished to never remember.  I want to forget everything too.

So back to the idiot friend that thinks I should manifest the good.  Where to start…or go back.  I would go all the way back to 2002 and never contact the man I would end up marrying. He was hands down the most absolute worst mistake of my entire life.   BUT I guess that is my fault because I am the reason that relationship failed. I am without question the reason all my relationships failed. I just wish THAT relationship failed much quicker.  I wish I was such a fucked up human that he would have done all that he did in the first day so I could fuck that relationship so bad it never went anywhere.
biggest. mistake.

this is all my fault.