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I’ve been waking up with this nagging feeling that I need to do something. Yes, I need to make the car payment & find my cell phone….but something more than that.

I wrote this letter to Ryan (my step son) 14 years ago. I told him that I was sorry for the way things went. I had a lot of guilt back then. Maybe if I had not stayed with Dan when I found out his ex-girlfriend was pregnant then he would have gotten back together with her and Ryan would have a full time dad.
I never gave him that letter. In fact, I ripped it up about a year after writing it. I had decided that since we were doing our part (every other weekend) that it was good enough and everything would be fine.

He’s 14 now and I realize he needed more than every other weekend with his dad. It’s so blinding that it makes me want to cry.
I’m older and wiser now and know it’s not my fault, but it doesn’t stop that nagging feeling inside of me.
Ryan was raised by a woman who was jealous in every aspect of her life. She always felt I was going to ‘steal’ Ryan, like I stole Dan away. She’s bitter towards me and that reflects on Dan and his visitation with his son.

This week while I was up in Redding with the girls, Dan was up there working and he stayed with my mom. He was ‘afraid’ to call Ryan while he was up there because he knew that his mom would start calling him 10+ times a day (no exaggeration) to find out where he was, what he was doing and pretty much ‘stalking’ him. He also knew she would tag along if he decided he wanted to do something with Ryan. He waited until I got up there because he knew that if he took Ryan somewhere she wouldn’t want to go if she knew I was there.

This plan of his always backfires. He should know that.

When he called to see if Ryan could go to dinner with us, she invited herself to go. He told her that I was going to be there and she then informed him that Ryan couldn’t go.

I know this isn’t on me. Dan should stand up for his rights and so-on. I won’t make excuses for him. I do understand why he does what he does when it comes to dealing with his son. I know her, what she does when he calls…and ultimately what Ryan has to deal with after the phone is hung up.
It’s easier for him to just say no to visiting his Dad then live with her being bitter, mean and hostile for days after. If he doesn’t go visit his dad he doesn’t have to be interrogated for details of the visit.

That nagging feeling has been with me for a couple of days and I want it to go away.

I want to send him that letter I wrote when he was a year old.

It’s just too late now.

I’m sorry, Ryan.